Part 3 and last:
I have to say thought that it happens sometimes that it goes well with my husband. He can be the most caring one moment and horrible the next. When I talk to him with a lot of tenderness he does things. otherwise he is a slob and sometimes doesn’t care if he looks dirty or has torn clothes, etc. It is embarrassing. Sometimes he went to pick my son at the daycare wearing his dirty mechanic clothes. We have fought several times in me wanting him to make a quick change into clean clothes in the bathroom before picking my son from the daycare he said he didn’t have time otherwise he would be late and that I was superficial and that he didn’t care about what people said and that if I was not happy to go to pick him up myself (when I was travelling - very wise). My son is little, but he will not like it if his daddy is like this when he grows up.
My husband has still supported me in stressful times (sometimes). He cooks and now that he is not working takes care of of my son who has finished daycare. He is in general a good father but sometimes either too strict or too permissive depending on the situation. My son loves him. Sometimes he is too confident of the well being of my son. My son broke his wrist falling at the park and burnt his fingers under his supervision. I will never forget that and sometimes makes me worried.
Now my husband has told me that he wants to become better, he wants to study to be finally able to be the provider. He currently takes care of the car, food (sometimes), car insurance but his debt is so high that he cannot contribute more. He feels trapped and I understand but the way he is insensitive (sometimes even laughing at me when I cry), and disrespectful to me and my parents, is very difficult to handle. However sometimes he is very nice and helps my parents fixing things in their house. it is difficult to understand. I still have a little tenderness for him : i see him as alone in the world, his family doesn’t care about him nor our son nor me and even his own mother told me to ask for an annulment. She his horrible and a hypocrite.
I feel desperate and lonely. I was never looking for someone rich or supersmart, only a good person who really loved me - I wanted to have at least 4 kids, but in this situation i can’t. I would like and pray to have another baby as my son is almost 5 years old and I am already 35, but my heart tells me I cannot have a child out of love. My parents would be so disappointed if I got pregnant because they dont’ like my husband at all now. They feel that we have been lied to and my dad says that God has failed us. I feel so sad that he is losing his faith because of my situation. My mom prays the rosary every day that my husband changes but she told me that I can’t go on like this and need to make a change in my life.
I don’t know what to do… we are in counseling again at the moment. I have chosen a man psychologist as the women didn’t work. I have enough and I look at an eventual separation. I have no interest in meeting someone else. He has killed all desires of love in me. I just want to have a quiet life with my son and take care of my parents as they are aging. I dont’ see my husband with me when I am old. I see myself alone.
I want to respect the sanctity of marriage but I see nothing holy in mine besides the blessing of my son. I feel that my husband sees me like his mother and tries to reflect his issues with her through me. I also feel that he is jealous of my relationship with my parents and that I make more money than he does. I also feel he is kind of depressed even if he always says that everything goes well. I wanted to be a stay at home mom but he hasn’t offered me this opportunity. I feel judged because on his side of the family almost all women stay at home with their children and on my side of the family I know they say that I am greedy for working all the time giving priority to $$$ which is not true. If they only knew… but it is too embarrassing to let them know.
I feel sometimes forgotten by God. I was so committed in the church. And I am living this because I married a man of “faith”. He still goes to mass and believes he is making efforts… I haven’t had communion for several months in a row because of my anger at him and at his family particularly his mom. Even if I go to confession my anger and frustration doesn’t go away. One of my friends had 2 abortions, had faith but was almost never at church - she found later a husband who is an architect, who is the provider and her in laws are wonderful. And I got this. I feel it is not fair, but who am I to judge any of God’s decisions. I am nothing and imperfect. But even if I don’t have faith or pray less now, I don’t’ forget Jesus. I think of Him every day of my life. I have taught my son his prayers and I want him to be close to Jesus, even if I don’t have much faith anymore, I want my son to have faith. When I read about Pope Francis, it moves me a lot, but I feel that all of this is impersonal as I feel that I got trapped into something I didn’t deserve. I know that there is a lot of suffering in the world at the moment, but we all carry our own cross.
Please have my family in your prayers as I want the best for my son.
Also, forgive me this was quite long.
God bless you all and give us all much peace.
