I Asked My Son to Leave

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KLindaRz

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Hello -

I’m a prodigal daughter, gone from the Church 40 years, now back for three months. I am fortunate to be able to attend Mass daily.

I am 56, disabled from MS and arthritis, divorced for many years, and have two of my five living children still at home with me, sons, aged 21, and almost 25 and father of a 3-year-old daughter.

I told my 25-year-old son that he will have to move from my home. I will not be able to see my granddaughter as much because he visits her in my home. She is a joy to me. I was unable to have my own children attend any religious education and I’m praying about finding ways to have my granddaughter attend the Catholic school at my church when she is old enough.

My 25-year-old son works 12 hours a week at a minimum wage job. He did not graduate high school but has had pitifully few credits to make up over the past seven years to get his diploma. He enrolls in programs for the diploma and doesn’t finish it. He applies for jobs and goes for interviews but other people get jobs, not him. He took some vocational classes in welding but failed one class and gave up. His younger brother and sister have succeeded in welding. My 25-year-old son has an anger control problem that pops up; he has damaged property and someone’s car as well as broke his cell phone, throwing it.

I do get on him about working and/or education toward something that will enable him to become independent. I have had one rule, a 12 midnight curfew, because I want to know when I go to bed that the house is locked up and that nobody will be wandering in (and out) all hours of the night. He’ll show up at 12:30, 12:15, anything but midnight. He knows that if he did that with his job he’d be fired.

I’d like to know if anyone knows of a better way to handle the situation with my 25-year-old.

Thank you.
 
I can’t comment as a parent but I can comment as a 27-year-old man. I think you made the right decision to force him out the door. It’s a good way of forcing more maturity out of him if he is so extremely unproductive at this point in his life.
 
Hello,

My sympathies to you. You did the correct thing by asking him to leave home. You have to stop enabling him to continue this behavior. By enabling him to stay at home you will encourage him not to find a job or learn to take care of himself. Perhaps you have been too nice to him. You have to be strong. I had the same problem with my son, until I finally fessed up and sent him on the road. It is the only way to help them.
 
You did the right thing. It is high time he takes responsibility for himself and his child. :hug3:
 
I know you have it very difficult. MS is very debilitating (my sister has it).

You do have the right to tell your son to leave. Although I will say that a curfew for a 25 year old adult is not something that I can agree with. And you should not “get on him” about education and such. You can guide and recommend, but you cannot live his life for him and he doesn’t have to listen to your recommendations.

Lock the door at 9 pm or whenever you go to bed and let him re-lock it when he comes home. I think adults should be treated as adults. (Although I have children this age and know that they are not always respectful to parents and house rules).

Anyway, I wish you the best and I know it is not easy.
 
off hand not an expert in jack diddly, I think ( an what I think means nothing ) you made a great decision, I wish my parents had kicked me out of the house long ago, it would have taught me a lot of valuable skills in life. Your son may have a lot of problems, but at least he is working, I have been unemployed for almost 3 years now, some of it is my fault some of it is not.

You are 56, and disabled, your son is apparently physically healthy, and is working, there are plenty of places one can rent a small home or trailor on a weekly basis or even a motel for cheap on a weekly basis.

sounds like some kind of psychological therapy would help him to some degree , you mentioned he has siblings who know how to weld they could offer to teach him an get him up to speed so he can pass what ever he needs to pass to get certified ( pending he is on good terms with them )

If he is not making your home safe and helping to take care of you to some degree and his anger issues are scaring you and you are fearing for your own safety, then unfortunately he might need to leave , that doesn’t mean he cant visit you when he is doing well or in a good healthy mood, nor does it mean he cant come back when he is on his feet.

there probably is no real better way to handle the situation, just different suggestions, get more family involved in his life that are willing to be apart of his life an try to help, pending there is more family available.

I am sure others will be posting better suggestions soon, and you and you son will be in my prayers.
 
Maybe you should pray the rosary each day and on your son’s behalf for the grace to become Catholic and turn his life around?

If he turns to God, then God can turn his life around. It sounds like his main problems are with will and commitment. Once he has that stability in his life, then he can commit to a vocational program with one of your local unions, graduate, and get an apprenticeship.

Ironically, if he does that, he faces a somewhat easier future than many college graduates outside of engineering. The life of a tradesman is a good and stable life.

Working minimum wage into your adulthood like that might cause harm by making you feel devalued and hopeless. I hope he gets out of that rut.

If he was already Catholic, you could make living with you available on the condition that he goes to mass every Sunday and gets involved in the parish somehow. But I am not sure that would be acceptable to the Church with respect to compelling him to go to the RCIA program.
 
You did the right thing. Do not look back. You have an obligation to take care of yourself. Yes, pray for your son, but he must be responsible for himself.

I will pay for you tonight.
 
TK421 said:
I can’t comment as a parent but I can comment as a 27-year-old man. I think you made the right decision to force him out the door. It’s a good way of forcing more maturity out of him if he is so extremely unproductive at this point in his life.
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Thank you for your reply.

Unproductive sure is the right term.
 
You are doing the right thing by asking him to leave. I suggest a 2 week notice. If you let him stay you will continue to enable him to remain barely working, low wage, low educated, and dependent. He is at an age where he needs to learn how to live independently as a man. Now at first he may find that difficult, and blame you if he loses his job, goes to jail, etc. You must realize that whatever happens to him is his choice, and you did not cause it. This is called tough love. Keep in touch with him. Speak to him with love and kindness, but be firm about him having to live on his own.
 
Change your locks, and then lock up at a reasonable time. If he isn’t home by then, tell him he has to spend the night somewhere else. Oh, and start charging him rent. If he doesn’t pay, out he goes. If he isn’t all the way out already. Sounds to me like he hasn’t had much push to go before this. Once he is out, he will see just how hard it is to live on what he makes. Pray for him, but don’t enable him. 👍
 
JohnMPhilomena said:
I know you have it very difficult. MS is very debilitating (my sister has it).

You do have the right to tell your son to leave. Although I will say that a curfew for a 25 year old adult is not something that I can agree with. And you should not “get on him” about education and such. You can guide and recommend, but you cannot live his life for him and he doesn’t have to listen to your recommendations.

Lock the door at 9 pm or whenever you go to bed and let him re-lock it when he comes home. I think adults should be treated as adults. (Although I have children this age and know that they are not always respectful to parents and house rules).

Anyway, I wish you the best and I know it is not easy.
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Trying to guide my son in a realistic way, education is the only way to become a “productive” member of society and support his child. Nine dollars an hour for 12 hours a week with half of that amount automatically taken out in child support (and even that does not satisfy the monthly child support amount, so there is a $2,000 arrears balance) at age 25 is inadequate.

Without a high school diploma, he is precluded from the military or even city jobs here.

It may be wrong but I find it hard to treat him as an adult, with adult privileges, when he has done basically nothing to earn them.

The midnight curfew was established because there was such abuse of a later curfew and midnight is the absolute latest I can stay awake. It should not be that way, having to stay up to see if he is on time but otherwise it is giving him a license to do whatever he wants because I will be asleep. That does not seem right either.

I think the forcing of work or school came from my limits on being able to support the expenses of my home, myself, and those which his minimum wage job do not cover.

Yes, MS is no fun. I feel for your sister.

Thank you.
 
you did right.
i had several false starts and a lot of problems. i had anger issues. i couldn’t hold dowsn a job. fought with my mom.
the last time a left i couldn’t believe she didn’t try to stop me! :eek: then i couldn’t believe she wouldn’t let me come back! :eek:
it was hard, it still is. i got laid off and am looking for a new job and juggling bills. even so everyone feels better when they are independent. tough love works.👍
 
I don’t understand why you need to stay awake until he gets home in the first place. He is 25. Lock the door and he can let himself in with his key and lock the door again once he comes in.
 
Don’t see how this will help your son. Guess it makes you more in control. I will pray for your son.

Obviously you thought this through, so it is a decision you can live with.
 
Your plan could very well help him, in my opinion. I have a relative… 50 years old… never left home. Still lives with his Mom. Never got a high school diploma. He would only work when he felt like it and never kept a job for long. I cant say for sure, but I don’t think he ever tried to do anything to better himself. Now his Mother is very old… she wont be around much longer and it still looks like he does not want to try to do anything to become self reliant. Some of us are worried what is going to happen to him after his Mom dies. He is not crazy or anything… just a little off in the head because of a lot of substance abuse when he was younger. He does not act like a normal 50 year old man. He still acts like someone in their teens or a very immature person in their 20’s, at best. Getting angry/making scenes when he does not get his way, always blaming others for all his problems, accusing others of being “jealous” of him although there is nothing to be jealous about, just wanting to hang out with his friends (most of whom are his age and similar to him) and party. I am only 28 and it is very hard to respect him as a elder.

I cant help but wonder if anything would have been different if he was not so sheltered and babied. What would have happened if someone told him “Do something with your life or get out” It is not too late for your son. I did not “Mature” until I turned 25. But it took some hard things to bring that about.

Prayers said for you and your family. Good luck.
 
I understand about why you want to know your doors are locked before you go to bed too. Some people have no problem hardly ever locking their door. I am not one of those people. I would not trust someone I feel is irresponsible to remember to lock the door every single time like I do. I still have to remind friends sometimes to lock my car door after they get out when I give them a ride, because they don’t sometimes if I don’t remind them. I do it, every single time. I have a habit of locking doors behind me.
 
LaughingBoy1503 said:
Your plan could very well help him, in my opinion. I have a relative… 50 years old… never left home. Still lives with his Mom. Never got a high school diploma. He would only work when he felt like it and never kept a job for long. I cant say for sure, but I don’t think he ever tried to do anything to better himself. Now his Mother is very old… she wont be around much longer and it still looks like he does not want to try to do anything to become self reliant. Some of us are worried what is going to happen to him after his Mom dies. He is not crazy or anything… just a little off in the head because of a lot of substance abuse when he was younger. He does not act like a normal 50 year old man. He still acts like someone in their teens or a very immature person in their 20’s, at best. Getting angry/making scenes when he does not get his way, always blaming others for all his problems, accusing others of being “jealous” of him although there is nothing to be jealous about, just wanting to hang out with his friends (most of whom are his age and similar to him) and party. I am only 28 and it is very hard to respect him as a elder.

I cant help but wonder if anything would have been different if he was not so sheltered and babied. What would have happened if someone told him “Do something with your life or get out” It is not too late for your son. I did not “Mature” until I turned 25. But it took some hard things to bring that about.

Prayers said for you and your family. Good luck.
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Thank you for prayers. The scenario you describe is so sad. It wasn’t just a child who needed more time and patience than usual. It’s an example of a piece of fruit stuck on the tree and rotting.

I’m afraid the only difference between your example and mine is time.

The job of a parent is not to make home so comfy that the kids have no reason to leave. Seems logical that your own place, where you have earned the right to make the rules, is something to work hard for.

God blessed me with five living children. It is amazing how different each is, even when they were tiny babies. I was fortunate enough to have two of them turn out to NOT need to learn lessons the hardest way possible. My 25-year-old is not one of them.
 
First of all… good for you! You did the right thing by telling your son he had to go. I have a 24 year old who is saving up to move out. She is just now starting a full-time job. I am ready for her to go, but like you, I’m a grandmother. I will miss seeing my grandchild every day, even though I’m ready for my daughter to move.

Since your son has vacated, I’m not sure why you feel compelled to “get on him”…? If he wants to earn a living without a diploma, then that’s his business-as long as you don’t have to support him any more. I know of men like this who find friends (usually girlfriends) to take up where their parents left off. However, he is no longer your problem once he’s out. Do whatever you can to maintain your relationship with your grandchild.
 
We are having this same discussion about our 19 year old. He works more hours than your son, and goes to college, but he totally rejects our standards and family culture. He has done several exceptionally wrong things, the latest being endangering his younger brother by exposing him to Internet porn. It happened several years ago but has just come to light. That is about all I can take, so we are trying to come up with a plan to get him out. We currently provide him with a car, (basic transportation, nothing fancy) a tank of gas per week, and pay his tuition. He refused to homeschool like the others so we also paid for private catholic high school. He uses us.

Like you I have a progressive neurological disorder. I can feel myself failing under the stress of hating my home and some of the people I live with. It is a definite health risk to live with so much stress. You must take care of yourself, and getting him out seems non-negotiable.

Why did he not finish high school? Is his father involved, can he help? His troubles seem to stem from getting off to such a shaky start. Do you feel guilty in any way about his limitations? If you feel that you still should help how about an ultimatum? If you do not have your GED in six months, your stuff goes on the curb?
I agree that a 25 year old shouldn’t have a curfew, but it is perfectly okay to say after midnight the deadbolts go on and you sleep somewhere else. That was a good idea. Getting enough rest is a health issue for you, as is feeling secure.

Are you afraid of him? You say that he has a temper. How will he react to being thrown out?
 
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