I Asked My Son to Leave

[maryjk]

I don’t understand why you need to stay awake until he gets home in the first place. He is 25. Lock the door and he can let himself in with his key and lock the door again once he comes in.

I don’t get that either.

Lock up and go to bed. Let him lock up after himself. At 25, he doesn’t need a curfew.

You are doing the right thing by asking him to leave.** I suggest a 2 week notice. **If you let him stay you will continue to enable him to remain barely working, low wage, low educated, and dependent. He is at an age where he needs to learn how to live independently as a man. Now at first he may find that difficult, and blame you if he loses his job, goes to jail, etc. You must realize that whatever happens to him is his choice, and you did not cause it. This is called tough love. Keep in touch with him. Speak to him with love and kindness, but be firm about him having to live on his own.

If you live in the US, you might want to check with your city and state about the law.

Even though he isn’t paying rent, he may be considered a “boarder.” I know someone that tried to kick their son out, and they were told by the police that they had to give him 30 days notice. Just like an eviction. And they needed to file that eviction notice with the city.

This was for someone that wasn’t abusive. Of course if a spouse or adult child is abusive, call the police.

 

[SamH]

If you live in the US, you might want to check with your city and state about the law.

Even though he isn’t paying rent, he may be considered a “boarder.” I know someone that tried to kick their son out, and they were told by the police that they had to give him 30 days notice. Just like an eviction. And they needed to file that eviction notice with the city.

This was for someone that wasn’t abusive. Of course if a spouse or adult child is abusive, call the police.

Agreed. Many women that break up with their worthless live in boyfriend find they can’t legally kick him out.

 

[ecotime47]

What is his relationship to his father like? Maybe he could help push him a little.

 

[KLindaRz]

I don’t get that either.

Lock up and go to bed. Let him lock up after himself. At 25, he doesn’t need a curfew.

If you live in the US, you might want to check with your city and state about the law.

Even though he isn’t paying rent, he may be considered a “boarder.” I know someone that tried to kick their son out, and they were told by the police that they had to give him 30 days notice. Just like an eviction. And they needed to file that eviction notice with the city.

This was for someone that wasn’t abusive. Of course if a spouse or adult child is abusive, call the police.

Letting my son lock up after himself is letting the fox guard the hen house. As you can tell, trust is gone as to locking up the house consistently and properly as well as his obeying the curfew. Honestly, if it wasn’t the curfew, which is the only rule my son has in this home, whatever else I required would become the battle ground. I am a light sleeper. Also, whatever time my 25-year-old comes home wakes up his younger brother.

If I ask him to take me somewhere, i.e. a doctor’s appointment, I get a panic attack because there is such a problem with being on time in general (when it is something he does not want to do). Nine times out of ten I will end up driving myself because my son is lagging and I am certain I will be late. He has been fired for this, no surprise.

Is the answer here to require absolutely nothing of him because there is so much he does not want to do and is screaming this in a passive-aggressive way?

 

[KLindaRz]

I don’t get that either.

Lock up and go to bed. Let him lock up after himself. At 25, he doesn’t need a curfew.

If you live in the US, you might want to check with your city and state about the law.

Even though he isn’t paying rent, he may be considered a “boarder.” I know someone that tried to kick their son out, and they were told by the police that they had to give him 30 days notice. Just like an eviction. And they needed to file that eviction notice with the city.

This was for someone that wasn’t abusive. Of course if a spouse or adult child is abusive, call the police.

My oldest son, 30, is an alcoholic who works. He does not live with me but he did stay with me two times in the past five years. The last time he began drinking again in spite of the requirement that he not drink living in this home. The lying and behavior became too much, arguing with me, drinking until we thought he was dead, etc. He would not leave my home. The police were called but they would not remove him. It was not a crime to get drunk and he was my son and lived here. I wasn’t going to lie about that, but they were no help. I would have had to go through a formal eviction process.

The whole situation was very very sad and scary.

 

[KLindaRz]

We are having this same discussion about our 19 year old. He works more hours than your son, and goes to college, but he totally rejects our standards and family culture. He has done several exceptionally wrong things, the latest being endangering his younger brother by exposing him to Internet porn. It happened several years ago but has just come to light. That is about all I can take, so we are trying to come up with a plan to get him out. We currently provide him with a car, (basic transportation, nothing fancy) a tank of gas per week, and pay his tuition. He refused to homeschool like the others so we also paid for private catholic high school. He uses us.

Like you I have a progressive neurological disorder. I can feel myself failing under the stress of hating my home and some of the people I live with. It is a definite health risk to live with so much stress. You must take care of yourself, and getting him out seems non-negotiable.

Why did he not finish high school? Is his father involved, can he help? His troubles seem to stem from getting off to such a shaky start. Do you feel guilty in any way about his limitations? If you feel that you still should help how about an ultimatum? If you do not have your GED in six months, your stuff goes on the curb?
I agree that a 25 year old shouldn’t have a curfew, but it is perfectly okay to say after midnight the deadbolts go on and you sleep somewhere else. That was a good idea. Getting enough rest is a health issue for you, as is feeling secure.

Are you afraid of him? You say that he has a temper. How will he react to being thrown out?

His father is not involved in his life, but that side of his family cares very much. We were not married. I think our move to another part of the city in 2004, when he was starting high school, exposed my son to an environment in which the majority of students did not care. No Child Left Behind was no help because all schools are overcrowded here. That said, his two younger siblings managed to get through it and graduate from that same high school.

Like you I have a progressive neurological disorder. I can feel myself failing under the stress of hating my home and some of the people I live with. It is a definite health risk to live with so much stress. You must take care of yourself, and getting him out seems non-negotiable.

The stress of chaos in the home has to make you feel worse. My son has been lying and with that there is the worry that there is another shoe I don’t know about that will drop. How can he do this to me? Or my older son, drunk, who just stepped over me when my vision doubled and I fell to the floor? How can your son bring the abomination of porn into your home, share it with a sibling and hide it for years?

Not that action should not be taken, and prayed about first, but as to how a child can do this to a caring parent I can only think of Jesus, Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.

 

[VivienneJ]

It is a hard thing to have to do but this kind of thing is the only way with some adult-children.

I was so close to doing the same with my elder daughter, with the support of my priest (please note those who feel it is a bad thing to do), but she found a job and a place to live before I put the plan into action.

I can totally understand the need for the ‘adult’ (you) to have to ensure the place is securely locked up if the irresponsible adult-child will not do that. While a curfew for a 25 year old may seem ‘controlling’ to some, his own lack of responsibility is what resulted in your doing that.

May this step be the final push he needs to get his life together and make something of himself. :hug3: from a mother of a formerly dysfunctional daughter who is now a married woman, holding down a worthwhile job; may your son also get to this point in his life.

 

[Musician]

You’re doing the right thing. Do it immediately. Heck, I kicked my teenage daughter out TWICE! ! She sure changed her tune. She is also 25 BTW. Now is married with two children and holds down a fulltime job she loves. Your son needs a jolt of reality.

 

[KLindaRz]

As kind of an update, my son says he has “nowhere” to go. I came back from Mass this morning and he was parked in front of the house, asleep in his car.

Apparently the place he has been going and staying out past the curfew is the home of a “druggie.” He said he isn’t doing drugs though. I was told the person also receives stolen items and sells them.

This is more complicated than I thought and potentially dangerous. Drugs would better explain why my son would be risking everything important in life to be over there.

Prayers, lots of prayers…

 

[KrazyKat]

Stand by your son. They are our children until we die. Love conquers all.

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

maryjk:

If you live in the US, you might want to check with your city and state about the law.

Even though he isn’t paying rent, he may be considered a “boarder.” I know someone that tried to kick their son out, and they were told by the police that they had to give him 30 days notice. Just like an eviction. And they needed to file that eviction notice with the city.

This was for someone that wasn’t abusive. Of course if a spouse or adult child is abusive, call the police.

Forgot about the law, even. It’s just common human decency to give anyone living with you ample warning that they must leave. Arranging a living situation is a serious matter.

This excludes, as you mention, behavior that puts people in a situation of imminent danger, but that doesn’t necessarily sound like the case here.

 

[madelynn]

Letting my son lock up after himself is letting the fox guard the hen house. As you can tell, trust is gone as to locking up the house consistently and properly as well as his obeying the curfew. Honestly, if it wasn’t the curfew, which is the only rule my son has in this home, whatever else I required would become the battle ground. I am a light sleeper. Also, whatever time my 25-year-old comes home wakes up his younger brother.

If I ask him to take me somewhere, i.e. a doctor’s appointment, I get a panic attack because there is such a problem with being on time in general (when it is something he does not want to do). Nine times out of ten I will end up driving myself because my son is lagging and I am certain I will be late. He has been fired for this, no surprise.

Is the answer here to require absolutely nothing of him because there is so much he does not want to do and is screaming this in a passive-aggressive way?

Whew! I can relate. I ask my daughter for less and less because it’s such a chore to ask for anything. Supposedly, asking her to meet a repair person to fix the plumbing/electricity/ac, etc, is a such a burden-even if she was going to be at home anyway. But then she’s surprised if I won’t let her borrow my car. Perhaps when your son does agree to take you to an appointment, you could tell him that you have to be there an hour earlier than your actual appointment time?

Incidentally, I do have another child and he’s in college. Since my son also works & does whatever he can to pay his tuition (without having to take out loans)-AND he doesn’t have children-I tend to be more helpful to him. In fact, sometimes he turns me down when I offer help.

I don’t understand these young people. When I was a young woman living in my mother’s house, I told her where I was going, who I would be with, and what time to expect me home-even if it was late at night. That way, if I wasn’t at home on time, she could start making phone calls to make sure that I was OK. I do like the suggestion of “putting on the deadbolts” after a certain time-I might just do that. Have you told your son that he wakes up his younger brother when he comes in late? If he can’t respect that, then he definitely needs his own place.

 

[madelynn]

As kind of an update, my son says he has “nowhere” to go. I came back from Mass this morning and he was parked in front of the house, asleep in his car.

Apparently the place he has been going and staying out past the curfew is the home of a “druggie.” He said he isn’t doing drugs though. I was told the person also receives stolen items and sells them.

This is more complicated than I thought and potentially dangerous. Drugs would better explain why my son would be risking everything important in life to be over there.

Prayers, lots of prayers…

Did he not know that the homeowner/tenant was into illegal activity? Is he just now finding this out?

I agree with the posters who mentioned the 30-day notice. He does need time to find another place to live.

Prayers to you! May God guide you through this tough time…

 

[Deus_tecum]

If you live in the US, you might want to check with your city and state about the law.

Even though he isn’t paying rent, he may be considered a “boarder.” I know someone that tried to kick their son out, and they were told by the police that they had to give him 30 days notice. Just like an eviction. And they needed to file that eviction notice with the city.

This was for someone that wasn’t abusive. Of course if a spouse or adult child is abusive, call the police.

I’m in the US but had not thought of that because I am “old school”. I would think a young man would want to move out as soon as he realized he was not wanted there, but I guess if he is obstinate she would have to go through the eviction process.

 

[Deus_tecum]

As kind of an update, my son says he has “nowhere” to go. I came back from Mass this morning and he was parked in front of the house, asleep in his car.

Apparently the place he has been going and staying out past the curfew is the home of a “druggie.” He said he isn’t doing drugs though. I was told the person also receives stolen items and sells them.

This is more complicated than I thought and potentially dangerous. Drugs would better explain why my son would be risking everything important in life to be over there.

Prayers, lots of prayers…

I would say to him, “It makes me sad to see you sleeping in your car, and I love you so much I hate to see that, so…please park your car on another street and sleep there.” That he is hanging out with a druggie/dealer explains his attitude and behavior. Even if it is “just pot”, that stuff makes people lazy as can be, and it distorts their perception of time, and the importance of punctuality. You cannot fix him. He can only fix himself by the grace of God. Out he should go even if it means you see him dressed in rags digging into restaurant garbage cans. If so that is his choice.

 

[kamiller1972]

I can understand your situation, as my situation with my oldest son is similar. I will pray for you both. God Bless.

 

[maryjk]

I’m in the US but had not thought of that because I am “old school”. I would think a young man would want to move out as soon as he realized he was not wanted there, but I guess if he is obstinate she would have to go through the eviction process.

Unless, as his mother has stated, he has no where else to go.

I wouldn’t equate not wanting to live in my car as being obstinate.

 

[madelynn]

I’m in the US but had not thought of that because I am “old school”. I would think a young man would want to move out as soon as he realized he was not wanted there, but I guess if he is obstinate she would have to go through the eviction process.

I hear what you’re saying-why stay somewhere that you’re not wanted? But if the rent and living conditions are right, staying may be much easier than going. I know of a woman right now who complains about her son often, because he says that he can’t find a job and he staying at her place. If she complains to acquaintances, I can imagine how much she complains at home!

In my state, you can evict on breach of contract, and it doesn’t have to be for non-payment of rent. A homeowner could get the tenant to sign an agreement saying that he/she will do certain chores, repairs, maintenance, etc. If the agreement is breached, the homeowner can use pictures and video (showing an uncut yard, broken window screens, etc) as evidence for court. Also, the homeowner could add a stipulation that 2 eviction notices within a 2-3 month period would be grounds for eviction without further notice. That’s just in case the tenant tries to quickly complete all the undone chores before the court date.

 

[ecotime47]

I’ve been praying for you and your son. What is the latest news with him?

 

[donna369]

it paints a sad picture…the poor son sleeping in the car when mom comes home from church. what would i do if it were my son? simple. go inside, lock the door and go about my day. i would not let hm in. if he came knocking i would ask him to remove his car and self from my property.
if he chooses to live with unlawful people that is his problem. there are shelters. but then they have rules. he HAS to be out of your home and your protection if he is to learn anything of respect and responsibility. IMHO if you allow him to stay you are hurting him. you are an enabler. we allow our children to suffer through painful medical procedures for their own good, we let them rides bikes knowing they may fall, we let them go away to camp where they may come to harm in an accident, we let them drive our cars knowing they may come to harm. we can’t raise them in a bubble. we can’t blame the school.
our duty to our children is to give them all the tools we have to survive and thrive. the duty of the child is to use those tools.
trust me on this; i have seen the results and dealt with the fallout of such adult children. they are toxic. you MUST get rid of him. let him know that you love hm and will pray for him but this does not work for either of you. perhaps in the future you will be able to support him in WORTHWHILE endeavors. but he can never live with you again.