I can't forgive my cousin

[bacon_man]

Thanks for sharing this story with me.
My cousin is Catholic but not a practicing one, he doesn’t go to Church at all, got Confirmed a month or two ago to be able to get married in the Church, and he’s been living with his fiancee for a few years. However, I will still pray that he will repent, since nothing is impossible.

No problem, I hope it helped.

 

[lizziebits]

I agree with the previous post.

The fiancee needs to know. What she does with that knowledge is her issue, but better to find out now than after she is married.

I am so so sorry that all of this happened to you. Please, see a therapist, and perhaps consider some family therapy as well.

Prayers for you.

 

[flyingfish]

You are right, I really needed to hear this. Sadly the only people to know about this are my parents, and as I’ve said before my father has really discouraged me from messing with “other people’s buisness”, and I am ashamed to say that I think it was starting to influence me, even though it still bothered me constantly (I am unable to concentrate at work because of this). But in the fiancee’s position, I would be mortified to discover something like this after getting married I guess I am a bit of a coward, I am already imagining all the drama (wedding guests are coming from overseas in about a week). I realize that it is my responsibility though, I just don’t know how to do it. What if she doesn’t believe me?

Well, it would certainly be easier to keep silent. But I think that if you don’t say anything, and she goes through with the marriage you might have serious concerns, regrets, and other psychological issues arising from it. Already you cannot concentrate at work and are having nightmares. I think you might end up constantly worrying about him possibly abusing their children, her niece etc. And if you wait until after she’s married you’ll feel bad about her not being able to marry another man, because the Church may not grant an annulment.

The time to talk is now, before the marriage. It is in the fiancee’s best interest too. The situation you described is extremely serious. Not only did he, as a grown man, follow a 6 year old into the bathroom to molest her, but he did it to his cousin. That is incest on top of sexual abuse.

It will be hard to tell her, and she might not believe you (that is why I think you and your sister should talk to her together). He likely will deny it, try to diminish it, make it seem like you were a silly child who misunderstood. And you have to be ready for that. But at least your conscience will be clear, and if he does go on to abuse in the future you will be able to say you did what you could to stop him.

 

[Ghoti]

What is the likelihood that he has truly changed? How serious was the molestation? You said he tried to RAPE your 6 year old sister when he was 19? Can a person really change something so twisted?

A shrink on TV once said about situations like this: “Once is an aberration. Twice is a pattern.”

Nicole: I will pray for your peace of mind, and for the courage you will need in the coming times. The man needs to be removed from the vicinity of children: I’d wager he probably needs to be in prison – permanently. I don’t know if there is any hope held out for the “recovery” of child molesters and child rapists. And the problem is not just what they have done, but what they will do – there is often a pattern of escalation, as the atrocities they commit no longer satisfy them. And now with the Internet, there is also the danger of your little cousins becoming victims and being displayed on some pervert’s webpage – not only would they have their childhood destroyed, but done in public view for all to see their misery.

I do not envy at all the row you have to hoe – as God is my witness, I don’t know if I would have the courage to step forward. I pray that I would, but I don’t think anyone can truly say “I would…” or “I would not…” unless they are square in the situation themselves.

All I can say is, child molesters, wife beaters, etc can only survive in the shadows, in places where people will not talk. Why do you think they always say, “Don’t tell?” **They know it is wrong. **They are afraid of it being known. When was the last time someone did a good deed and said, “Don’t snitch!”? The only people who say this are criminals – they have managed to convince people that exposing the TRUTH is a bigger sin or crime than whatever they themselves have committed.

In the schoolyard, it was “Don’t be a tattle-tale.” In the 'hood, it’s “Don’t snitch.” In the pervert’s shadowy lair, it’s “Don’t tell.” If you tell, **you’re **bad, not me, despite what I did. And that’s a total perversion of truth.

Don’t tell tales. Keep up appearances. We don’t talk about these things. Don’t air dirty laundry. Get over it. Stop dwelling on the past.

Bull.

Criminals of all stripes get away with it because they have somehow conned us all into thinking that exposing crime is somehow worse than the crime itself.

The Lord came to bear witness to the Truth, and He called on all who were on the side of Truth to listen to His voice.

Definitely talk to a priest, and find a therapist. There should be a mental health hotline in tour city, or at the very least a number for young people in danger, who can direct you to the help you need.

Maybe talk to a lawyer, too.

On the original post itself – yes, forgive, even if you don’t forget. Being able to forgive, as Monicad pointed out, is an act of will, not emotion – but you might find that the act of forgiveness will take away any power he has over you, and render that power to you. And fear not, “forgiveness” is not the same as “excusing”.

Sorry if I am rambling here, my thought patterns are a bit incoherent – predators really boil my blood.

All I can do for you from my little room far away is pray for you. I will pray a Rosary just for you, for your strength, your courage, your healing, your peace.

 

[Ghoti]

Well, it would certainly be easier to keep silent. But I think that if you don’t say anything, and she goes through with the marriage you might have serious concerns, regrets, and other psychological issues arising from it. Already you cannot concentrate at work and are having nightmares. I think you might end up constantly worrying about him possibly abusing their children, her niece etc. And if you wait until after she’s married you’ll feel bad about her not being able to marry another man, because the Church may not grant an annulment.

Isn’t paedophilia an impediment to sacramental marriage?

(Not a rhetorical question – I really don’t know.)

 

[TeresaAnn]

Oh Nicolle… my heart aches for you, my stomach is upset.

I’ve been there hun, with the same questions burning. It’s so complicated… ah… I wish you didn’t have to go through this, or your sister.

my opinion…

Tell the priest immediately and let him decide. He’ll likely talk to the couple and a decision will be made and your conscious is clear. It will eat at you if don’t talk to someone. I mean it, it doesn’t go away. Another option - when my Dad found out he took the guy (no marriage issues like yours, he was ~60) to his family Doctor and told the doctor everything and told him this guy was his responsibility. My Mom and Dad thought a trial would have done me more harm than good because I was very shy. I think they were probably right. You just have to tell someone who has a professional responsibility not to sweep it under the rug.

I don’t know what to say about your Dad.

During my teen years I was date raped. I had someone give me the same guilt trip about going to the authorities because he may re-offend. So I did. I told two officers the whole story the next morning. The more experienced officer ended up telling me he didn’t think we could get him charged and made me sign something so I couldn’t bring the incident up again at a later date. So, that was it. I relived it all for them and then walked out the doors again in worse shape than when I went in.

My feelings about the fiancee… she has to know, just put yourself in her shoes. Let the priest tell her. Maybe she already knows or doesn’t believe it. It will spare you the pain of the confrontation.

As far as the timing? I would think that you didn’t know what to do when you thought it had just happened to you. When you found out just last week that it happened to your sister as well you had to speak up. Sometimes we allow people to hurt us, but when thy hurt your baby sister that’s another story. It also shows a pattern. He has offended at least twice, probably more, one that you know of as an adult.

About forgiveness… once the situation is sorted out you can work on that. Maybe God is giving you these feelings right now for a reason.

I will pray hard for you tonight my dear.

Teresa Ann

 

[flyingfish]

Isn’t paedophilia an impediment to sacramental marriage?

(Not a rhetorical question – I really don’t know.)

I don’t know I never heard that it is.

 

[flyingfish]

The more experienced officer ended up telling me he didn’t think we could get him charged and made me sign something so I couldn’t bring the incident up again at a later date.

Wow, that sounds like the police were breaking the law. Do they even have the power to make you sign something like that? Were they protecting the offender?

 

[Ghoti]

Wow, that sounds like the police were breaking the law. Do they even have the power to make you sign something like that? Were they protecting the offender?

The problem is that there seems to be a mentality that date rape isn’t “real” rape – and unfortunately, that mentality sometimes extends to those whom we trust to uphold the law (not just police, but prosecutors and judges, too).

 

[Nicole777]

Ok, so I have talked to my sister and we agreed to tell the fiancee about this as soon as possible, maybe tomorrow night. We’re still figuring out how to reach her without Ben finding out, he may find it a little shady if my sister and I need to “talk” to her (we never hang out alone with her). We’ll probably just say that since we missed her bridal shower we want to catch up or something.

Some people seem to think I should tell my priest first. Tomorrow I will stop at my parish after work and talk to him about this. I feel like I am racing against the clock, I wish I had done all of this sooner

 

[Nicole777]

Thanks for all the advice and prayers, it really helps

 

[mommyof4]

Ok, so I have talked to my sister and we agreed to tell the fiancee about this as soon as possible, maybe tomorrow night. We’re still figuring out how to reach her without Ben finding out, he may find it a little shady if my sister and I need to “talk” to her (we never hang out alone with her). We’ll probably just say that since we missed her bridal shower we want to catch up or something.

Some people seem to think I should tell my priest first. Tomorrow I will stop at my parish after work and talk to him about this. I feel like I am racing against the clock, I wish I had done all of this sooner

good luck with the talk

 

[flyingfish]

Ok, so I have talked to my sister and we agreed to tell the fiancee about this as soon as possible, maybe tomorrow night. We’re still figuring out how to reach her without Ben finding out, he may find it a little shady if my sister and I need to “talk” to her (we never hang out alone with her). We’ll probably just say that since we missed her bridal shower we want to catch up or something.

Some people seem to think I should tell my priest first. Tomorrow I will stop at my parish after work and talk to him about this. I feel like I am racing against the clock, I wish I had done all of this sooner

*hug

Stay strong, you are doing the right thing.

 

[GodIsGracious]

Nicole, no words just prayers. I have survived a violent sexual assault myself so I understand the pain. May God be with you.

 

[TeresaAnn]

Wow, that sounds like the police were breaking the law. Do they even have the power to make you sign something like that? Were they protecting the offender?

The problem is that there seems to be a mentality that date rape isn’t “real” rape – and unfortunately, that mentality sometimes extends to those whom we trust to uphold the law (not just police, but prosecutors and judges, too).

I don’t remember the name of the form, once I found out their attitude about it I couldn’t get out of that place fast enough. Even though I had no where to go. I missed curfew so I was out. Tough days.

I think Ghoti is correct.

You know, no wonder I was petrified of having daughters. Even with my sons, I put them in karate and 3 of of 4 have black belts now. I just want them to be able to defend themselves when they have to and have the self confidence to say NO to people. The abuse when I was young went on for 2 years because I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings?? (mind of a child).

 

[w2bp88]

I definitely think you should talk to the priest first and see what he recommends. I also think the girl needs to know so it is good that you are going to tell her. If my future husband had molested young girls, I would want to know about it. Imagine what he might do if they have kids?

I’ll pray for you to have the strength to do this and to heal.

 

[BrokenFortress]

I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through something like this. I do agree with everyone else that the fiancee needs to know.

Definitely saying prayers for you tonight.

 

[Trishie]

It does seem clear that Ben has acted like a preditor.
My prayer is that this won’t cause rifts in your family.
You and your sister need to be strong, and accept that it’s likely, which is why your parents may be reticent. Your parents will be scared for you both as sometimes people don’t forgive the wrong people. When you were small they played it down hoping you wouldn’t remember. They didn’t mention it again, hoping you wouldn’t remember. No doubt they were distressed, but thought it would pass and be forgotten, and thought the scare of being found out, even though he lied, might prevent his acting like this again. But it didn’t.
Your courage may save other small girls from similar trauma from his criminal behaviour criminal, even some day, his granddaughters.
But it a courageous thing and our prayers go with you and your sister.

 

[bpbasilphx]

I was really angry to learn that all that time my parents knew about this and they never tried to talk to me about it, that I had to deal with this alone.

---

**Of course, what happened to you was scary. It always is. I was 14 when an adult tried to molest me, and it badly frightened me. It must be much worse for a small child.

Something you need to try to understand about your parents’ reaction: There was a time when it was thought that the best thing for the victim of any sexual violence–be it molestation or rape or even a stillbirth–was to try to act like it never happened. The idea was that the process of erasure (as it’s called) would eventually eradicate the memory and the pain.

We know better now. You might want to talk with your parents about this matter. They were probably doing the best they knew how at the time–doing the wrong thing for the right reason.

And parents aren’t perfect. They probably had no better idea than you how to handle this tragedy.

But I know a little about how you felt. When I went to tell a policeman, he simply said, “This kind of thing happens all the time.” He offered no help at all. End of story.

And by all means you should tell your cousin’s fiancee. Your cousin molested girls twice to your knowledge. He may well attempt this again.**

 

[rayne89]

I’ve read through this thread, and I have no advice, except that I’d have a heart to heart FIRST with your parents…why does your dad want to act like this never happened? Why didn’t he defend your sister/his daughter when she was 6, and Ben was 19? Something is off there, but my prayers are with you. What a terribly difficult situation you’re in, I’m sorry.

Sadly as horrifying as this sounds her parents’ reaction is extremely common. My best friend was molested by her brother-in-law from when she was 9 until she was 12, and when it finally came out because she was seeing a therapist for a suicide attempt the whole family wanted to pretend it never happened and has all these years. Another friend I made while my husband served in the military was molested by her older brother, so were 3 of her sisters and all her parents did was make her brother go to confession. I have two other friends who were molested by family members and all the families wanted to do was make it disappear and pretend it never happened. It’s maddening, but unfortunately all too common.

The OP’s parents’ let this molester back into their home after they knew he had already touched one of their children and he went on to victimize another and God knows how many other children. Nicole you and your sister are very brave young ladies, and thankfully strong enough to do what’s right without family support. Please look for a support system outside your family -there are support groups for survivors of sexual abuse. If you are still in school please check with your counseling office for help. You are going to need a lot of support in the face of people who want to bury their heads in sand instead of face their own culpabilty for allowing this sick individual to continue to victimize others and not standing behind the children who needed them most.