I can't get over my partner's past, but I love her with all my heart

[max_demian]

Hey everybody,

I was surfing the Internet to find answers or at least someone I could talk to about this, but there’s so much confusing and just plain bad advice out there and so many things said out there that I really don’t agree with due to my Catholic upbringing. Then I found this place. I’ve been reading about people who posted similar troubles as mine and the advice that they were given was really useful and in line with the way that I understand the world. So useful that I decided to give it a shot too, if you have the time to read and reply.

I have been in a wonderful relationship with a woman for 3 years. She is very different from anybody else that I’ve known. She’s the most caring, honest, patient, loyal, forgiving and supportive person I have ever known. My life has changed for the better after I met her. Of course it is sometimes difficult as I am 2.5 years younger than her, we come from different parts of the world (she’s from Europe, I’m Latin American), we understand the world differently on some aspects and we have different religions (she’s Protestant, but I think she lost all faith after a personal tragedy; I am Catholic, but not very good at it…she even “makes” me get up and go to Church together on Sundays. I appreciate that she does that, as she knows it is important to me). Regardless, I firmly believe that we were meant to meet and be together.

I was a virgin when I met her and though I knew she wasn’t I told her at the very beginning that I didn’t want to know anything about her past. She didn’t know that I was a virgin. I lied, as I was a bit ashamed. I did believe waiting for marriage was the right thing to do, but I also believed no one would understand my way of thinking, especially as we live in a place where most people don’t even believe in God.

A few months ago I made a terrible mistake. I read her private E-mails and found out things about her past that are still really hurtful to me. I won’t go into the details but I will just say that the things that I’ve read are very hard for me to understand. How could such a nice person let herself be treated that way? How could someone so smart and mature fall for such people? and the things they did to her? Why that many people? Why was she still friends with some of those people? Why couldn’t I stop reading if it was hurting so bad? Why did I feel so betrayed and disappointed, if she had tried to be honest with me at the beginning of our relationship and especially, since if I was in the wrong by reading her stuff in the first place? Why do I feel cheated?

I took me two months of suffering before I gathered the courage to tell her of my mistake. It was an awful night. She felt hurt and judged and I felt like a scumbag. I said hurtful things. But she forgave me for my mistake. She even stopped being friends with those people as well.

I know that the past is the past, that people need to go to certain things in life before being the people they are right now, that it’s none of my business what she did before she met me and that only God should jugde her for what she did in her past. I’ve read all that and I understand it. I do. Yet every now and then this feeling comes back to me and takes the better part of me. A word, an image, a song, a name will trigger this feeling. I want to stop thinking about it. I have cried. I have made her cry. We have spoken heart to heart about it. We go back to being happy and then I do it again. I know I am straining our relationship. I don’t want to lose her. I want to stop thinking. What should I do?

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

Welcome to CAF, and I hope that our advice will be of help to you.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. It is hard. On the one hand you know that her past should not concern you, but you can’t help it. Thing is, love is not rational. We can’t always help how we feel.

It seems like you are still in shock over the discovery. Perhaps the feeling of betrayal and anger will lessen over time. Years ago I forgave the boyfriend who cheated on me. However, the feeling of hurt and humiliation burned like fire for a long time, and I had moments when I wanted to destroy him, I was so furious. But I got over it eventually. I still had occasional moments when I felt angry and humiliated and wanted to punish him, but these feelings started to lessen with time and completely faded eventually. We are now married and I never think about this. I remembered the incident now as I decided to reply to your post, but it feels like someone else’s story. I am completely detached from it.

What my story suggests is that these feelings can go away. If you love her then pray to be freed from these feelings. Don’t punish her for her past. Give yourself time to come to terms with things. Love can be tough, and this crisis can make you or break you. See this as a test of the maturity of your relationship. And turn to God to help you. That is always the best thing to do, in good times and in bad.

I hope this has helped a bit. I will pray for you.

God bless.

 

[Memaw]

Hey everybody,

I was surfing the Internet to find answers or at least someone I could talk to about this, but there’s so much confusing and just plain bad advice out there and so many things said out there that I really don’t agree with due to my Catholic upbringing. Then I found this place. I’ve been reading about people who posted similar troubles as mine and the advice that they were given was really useful and in line with the way that I understand the world. So useful that I decided to give it a shot too, if you have the time to read and reply.

I have been in a wonderful relationship with a woman for 3 years. She is very different from anybody else that I’ve known. She’s the most caring, honest, patient, loyal, forgiving and supportive person I have ever known. My life has changed for the better after I met her. Of course it is sometimes difficult as I am 2.5 years younger than her, we come from different parts of the world (she’s from Europe, I’m Latin American), we understand the world differently on some aspects and we have different religions (she’s Protestant, but I think she lost all faith after a personal tragedy; I am Catholic, but not very good at it…she even “makes” me get up and go to Church together on Sundays. I appreciate that she does that, as she knows it is important to me). Regardless, I firmly believe that we were meant to meet and be together.

I was a virgin when I met her and though I knew she wasn’t I told her at the very beginning that I didn’t want to know anything about her past. She didn’t know that I was a virgin. I lied, as I was a bit ashamed. I did believe waiting for marriage was the right thing to do, but I also believed no one would understand my way of thinking, especially as we live in a place where most people don’t even believe in God.

A few months ago I made a terrible mistake. I read her private E-mails and found out things about her past that are still really hurtful to me. I won’t go into the details but I will just say that the things that I’ve read are very hard for me to understand. How could such a nice person let herself be treated that way? How could someone so smart and mature fall for such people? and the things they did to her? Why that many people? Why was she still friends with some of those people? Why couldn’t I stop reading if it was hurting so bad? Why did I feel so betrayed and disappointed, if she had tried to be honest with me at the beginning of our relationship and especially, since if I was in the wrong by reading her stuff in the first place? Why do I feel cheated?

I took me two months of suffering before I gathered the courage to tell her of my mistake. It was an awful night. She felt hurt and judged and I felt like a scumbag. I said hurtful things. But she forgave me for my mistake. She even stopped being friends with those people as well.

I know that the past is the past, that people need to go to certain things in life before being the people they are right now, that it’s none of my business what she did before she met me and that only God should jugde her for what she did in her past. I’ve read all that and I understand it. I do. Yet every now and then this feeling comes back to me and takes the better part of me. A word, an image, a song, a name will trigger this feeling. I want to stop thinking about it. I have cried. I have made her cry. We have spoken heart to heart about it. We go back to being happy and then I do it again. I know I am straining our relationship. I don’t want to lose her. I want to stop thinking. What should I do?

If her past was impurity with others as your post suggests, then just remember your doing the same sinful things with her that they did, so whats the difference. I think both of you should talk to a priest about doing whats right and forgiving each other. If she has changed that much you should be thankful and help her stay free of sin, not keep her ,(and yourself) in it. We are responsible if we are the cause of others to sin. Our job is to help them get to Heaven, not sin. No matter who they are or what their past was. God Bless, Memaw

 

[nodito]

If her past was impurity with others as your post suggests, then just remember your doing the same sinful things with her that they did, so whats the difference.

Did OP say he was being unchaste with her?

 

[Memaw]

Did OP say he was being unchaste with her?

Re-read his post, he did say he was a virgin ‘untill’ he met her. He also said he "did’, (past tense) believe in waiting for marriage. God Bless, Memaw

 

[Truth_Faith13]

Re-read his post, he did say he was a virgin ‘untill’ he met her. He also said he "did’, (past tense) believe in waiting for marriage. God Bless, Memaw

That’s interesting…the Bible says Mary was a virgin “until” she had Jesus…you are reading the same sentence and interpreting it in two different ways.

Anyways to the OP,

No you shouldn’t have read her private emails and no her past is not of your concern especially as she seems to have turned a huge corner.

One question…are you struggling with her past because you are cross at her or because you are cross for her? I only ask because say something traumatic happens to someone, they go through all the stages…come out the other end and put it behind them. They then tell someone who cares for them a great deal and it can mean that person has to go through all he same emotions etc because of the care for that person even though the person who was involved has long since forgotten it? Does that make sense?

 

[Memaw]

That’s interesting…the Bible says Mary was a virgin “until” she had Jesus…you are reading the same sentence and interpreting it in two different ways.

Anyways to the OP,

No you shouldn’t have read her private emails and no her past is not of your concern especially as she seems to have turned a huge corner.

One question…are you struggling with her past because you are cross at her or because you are cross for her? I only ask because say something traumatic happens to someone, they go through all the stages…come out the other end and put it behind them. They then tell someone who cares for them a great deal and it can mean that person has to go through all he same emotions etc because of the care for that person even though the person who was involved has long since forgotten it? Does that make sense?

I doubt he meant it the same way as the scripture about Mary. there would be NO reason for him to mean it that way. And I gave 2 references, not just one. And he did refer to her as his ‘partner’, which implies one thing these days. I think your wanting to argue about something that isn’t really there. God Bless, Memaw

 

[Truth_Faith13]

I doubt he meant it the same way as the scripture about Mary. there would be NO reason for him to mean it that way. And I gave 2 references, not just one. And he did refer to her as his ‘partner’, which implies one thing these days. I think your wanting to argue about something that isn’t really there. God Bless, Memaw

Why do you think I’m wanting to argue? I just found your thinking interesting that’s all…he actually said “when” he met her not “until” anyhow.

I’m curious, what is an unmarried couple who don’t engage in sex supposed to refer to each other as?

 

[Xantippe]

Hey everybody,

I was surfing the Internet to find answers or at least someone I could talk to about this, but there’s so much confusing and just plain bad advice out there and so many things said out there that I really don’t agree with due to my Catholic upbringing. Then I found this place. I’ve been reading about people who posted similar troubles as mine and the advice that they were given was really useful and in line with the way that I understand the world. So useful that I decided to give it a shot too, if you have the time to read and reply.

I have been in a wonderful relationship with a woman for 3 years. She is very different from anybody else that I’ve known. She’s the most caring, honest, patient, loyal, forgiving and supportive person I have ever known. My life has changed for the better after I met her. Of course it is sometimes difficult as I am 2.5 years younger than her, we come from different parts of the world (she’s from Europe, I’m Latin American), we understand the world differently on some aspects and we have different religions (she’s Protestant, but I think she lost all faith after a personal tragedy; I am Catholic, but not very good at it…she even “makes” me get up and go to Church together on Sundays. I appreciate that she does that, as she knows it is important to me). Regardless, I firmly believe that we were meant to meet and be together.

I was a virgin when I met her and though I knew she wasn’t I told her at the very beginning that I didn’t want to know anything about her past. She didn’t know that I was a virgin. I lied, as I was a bit ashamed. I did believe waiting for marriage was the right thing to do, but I also believed no one would understand my way of thinking, especially as we live in a place where most people don’t even believe in God.

A few months ago I made a terrible mistake. I read her private E-mails and found out things about her past that are still really hurtful to me. I won’t go into the details but I will just say that the things that I’ve read are very hard for me to understand. How could such a nice person let herself be treated that way? How could someone so smart and mature fall for such people? and the things they did to her? Why that many people? Why was she still friends with some of those people? Why couldn’t I stop reading if it was hurting so bad? Why did I feel so betrayed and disappointed, if she had tried to be honest with me at the beginning of our relationship and especially, since if I was in the wrong by reading her stuff in the first place? Why do I feel cheated?

I took me two months of suffering before I gathered the courage to tell her of my mistake. It was an awful night. She felt hurt and judged and I felt like a scumbag. I said hurtful things. But she forgave me for my mistake. She even stopped being friends with those people as well.

I know that the past is the past, that people need to go to certain things in life before being the people they are right now, that it’s none of my business what she did before she met me and that only God should jugde her for what she did in her past. I’ve read all that and I understand it. I do. Yet every now and then this feeling comes back to me and takes the better part of me. A word, an image, a song, a name will trigger this feeling. I want to stop thinking about it. I have cried. I have made her cry. We have spoken heart to heart about it. We go back to being happy and then I do it again. I know I am straining our relationship. I don’t want to lose her. I want to stop thinking. What should I do?

First off, if you want to continue to have a relationship with her, you need to apologize for bringing it up over and over again and then STOP mentioning it. If you feel the need to talk to somebody about your feelings, talk to a priest or a counselor. In fact, a therapist is a good person to work with on figuring out how to stop engaging in obsessive and/or destructive thoughts. (A real therapist who does cognitive behavioral therapy, not some sort of weird Freudian garbage that never helped anybody.)

It may be too late for your relationship because of the stuff you’ve done, but if it can be saved, this is probably the only way to save it.

With regard to your girlfriend’s past, remember that she’s the “most caring, honest, patient, loyal, forgiving and supportive person I have ever known.” Part of what’s formed her as a person is her bad experiences. It wasn’t the girlfriend you know today who did the stuff you don’t approve of–she’s the person who was formed by those experiences.

Another thing that comes to mind is that your girlfriend may in fact be repeating her bad pattern with you. You mention that people treated her badly. Well, guess what–you are treating her badly right now and some of your behavior is borderline abusive (and maybe right over the line). The question is, can you stop? If you can’t, you should let her go.

Best wishes!

 

[gigi_mvn]

Hi there -

The past IS NOT the past unless one repents (confession, prayer, penance, etc) and moves forward to a new future. It does not sound like she has done this for herself.

Don’t be so hard on yourself. It was a smart move on your end to read her emails, considering that she was still dealing with certain people.

In general, I find you should speak up more on what you want out of a relationship and be honest with yourself: some confidence maybe? Seriously, it took you 2 months to approach her? You had every right to call her over then and there and read over the key emails to her.

Overall, in my opinion, it sounds like this relationship is not good for your well-being. Personally, I would highly recommend for you to spend a couple of years single pursuing a religious life and getting acquainted with God’s laws. Get involved with a Catholic parish, and once your religion and vision are solid, then develop relationships beneficial to your Catholic faith.

 

[Xantippe]

Reading emails or investigating a girlfriend’s or boyfriend’s phone without permission is never a good idea. If you have that much doubt in the person, move on.

As I’ve seen mentioned elsewhere, the problem with snooping is that you always find something you don’t like.

 

[Truth_Faith13]

Reading emails or investigating a girlfriend’s or boyfriend’s phone without permission is never a good idea. If you have that much doubt in the person, move on.

As I’ve seen mentioned elsewhere, the problem with snooping is that you always find something you don’t like.

Agreed…it completely breaks the trust in the relationship.

 

[Xantippe]

Even if the previous relationship were totally chaste and pure, there would be a lot of emails that would give the reader pain, if the reader is the jealous new boyfriend.

“I love you so much, Eduardo–my heart hurts with how much I love you!”

“I’ve never felt this way before–I will love you always!”

“I love the way your eyes crinkle when you laugh and how strong your arms feel when you hold me.”

Etc., etc.

The couple could have been as chaste as Bella and Edward from Twilight, but reading their love letters would still give the new guy huge amounts of pain.

 

[Memaw]

Why do you think I’m wanting to argue? I just found your thinking interesting that’s all…he actually said “when” he met her not “until” anyhow.

I’m curious, what is an unmarried couple who don’t engage in sex supposed to refer to each other as?

What did they refer to themselves as before sex got to be the reason for a partner? I had boyfriends not partners!! God Bless, Memaw

 

[Miserissima]

To answer your initial questions, please pick up the two booklets “Pure Womanhood” and “Pure Manhood,” by Crystallina and Jason Evert. I think they’re three dollars.

chastityproject.com/

Mr. Evert was a virgin on their, wedding night, Mrs. Evert was not. His book explains his feelings similar to yours,.and her book explains her actions and feelings, too.

 

[Truth_Faith13]

Even if the previous relationship were totally chaste and pure, there would be a lot of emails that would give the reader pain, if the reader is the jealous new boyfriend.

“I love you so much, Eduardo–my heart hurts with how much I love you!”

“I’ve never felt this way before–I will love you always!”

“I love the way your eyes crinkle when you laugh and how strong your arms feel when you hold me.”

Etc., etc.

The couple could have been as chaste as Bella and Edward from Twilight, but reading their love letters would still give the new guy huge amounts of pain.

It’s true…when my husband and I moved in together, we went through his things that had been in storage for years. He was open and said he couldn’t remember what was in there and they had been sealed since before he had left his previous relationship (he’s an atheist)…even with his honesty and knowledge of what could be and I trust him whole heatedly, I’d be lying if I said it didn’t hurt just a little when I came across her belongings or an old tag from a present he’d given her saying “I love you so much my darling xxxxx”

We all have our pasts, all have done and said things we shouldn’t…it sounds to me as if the OPs partner has put it well and truly behind her, it’s just a shame he didn’t trust her enough and felt he had to go behind her back.

 

[Truth_Faith13]

What did they refer to themselves as before sex got to be the reason for a partner? I had boyfriends not partners!! God Bless, Memaw

Each to their own I guess…when my husband and I first got together…referring to him as my “boyfriend” when he is not far off 40 sounded so preschool.

 

[gigi_mvn]

I do not find anything wrong with max_demain reading her emails. It’s called vigilance.

If a person wants “privacy”, then don’t be in a “partnership”.

 

[Xantippe]

I do not find anything wrong with max_demain reading her emails. It’s called vigilance.

If a person wants “privacy”, then don’t be in a “partnership”.

It’s called “abuse” and “invasion of privacy.”

The OP knows that he did wrong and abused his girlfriend’s trust.

If you feel that you need to be “vigilant” with regard to a boyfriend or girlfriend, it’s time to move on.

(I give a little more grace to people who snoop and then find that their significant other has been cheating or posting to Craigslist looking for sex, but this isn’t one of those cases.)

 

[Memaw]

Each to their own I guess…when my husband and I first got together…referring to him as my “boyfriend” when he is not far off 40 sounded so preschool.

Then how about just friend, until he becomes your fiance. I didn’t know preschoolers had boyfriends. At least not the kind I am referring to. One can find fault with just about anything these days. God Bless, Memaw