I can't get over my partner's past, but I love her with all my heart

[Truth_Faith13]

Then how about just friend, until he becomes your fiance. I didn’t know preschoolers had boyfriends. At least not the kind I am referring to. One can find fault with just about anything these days. God Bless, Memaw

Seriously? If your “boyfriend” had introduced you to his parents, friends, work colleagues etc as “this is my friend”… You would be ok with that.

I was exaggerating with the pre school thing but yes there are really cute 3 year olds who refer to close friends as “boyfriends” and “girlfriends”. When I hear boyfriend/girlfriend…I think of teenagers, constantly swapping and changing partners and having lots of unprotected sex.

At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter what people refer to that “special person” as, as long as if Christian they are being chaste. You see “partners” and think sex, I see “girlfriends/boyfriends” and think uncommitted relationships and sex. Does it really matter?

 

[Memaw]

Seriously? If your “boyfriend” had introduced you to his parents, friends, work colleagues etc as “this is my friend”… You would be ok with that.

I was exaggerating with the pre school thing but yes there are really cute 3 year olds who refer to close friends as “boyfriends” and “girlfriends”. When I hear boyfriend/girlfriend…I think of teenagers, constantly swapping and changing partners and having lots of unprotected sex.

At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter what people refer to that “special person” as, as long as if Christian they are being chaste. You see “partners” and think sex, I see “girlfriends/boyfriends” and think uncommitted relationships and sex. Does it really matter?

How times have changed and not really for the better I’m afraid. My second date with my future husband was going to dinner to his folks and he just introduced me by my name. They knew I was coming of course. Yes it does really matter or at least it should really matter and for adults to pass it off as ‘normal’ or ‘what difference does it make’ does not set a good example for anyone. When will we ever learn. God Bless, Memaw

 

[Thorns]

Hi there -

The past IS NOT the past unless one repents (confession, prayer, penance, etc) and moves forward to a new future. It does not sound like she has done this for herself.

Don’t be so hard on yourself. It was a smart move on your end to read her emails, considering that she was still dealing with certain people.

In general, I find you should speak up more on what you want out of a relationship and be honest with yourself: some confidence maybe? Seriously, it took you 2 months to approach her? You had every right to call her over then and there and read over the key emails to her.

Overall, in my opinion, it sounds like this relationship is not good for your well-being. Personally, I would highly recommend for you to spend a couple of years single pursuing a religious life and getting acquainted with God’s laws. Get involved with a Catholic parish, and once your religion and vision are solid, then develop relationships beneficial to your Catholic faith.

This!

If shes still keeping contact with those people, then its not the past. These are red flags. The way I see it, is who knows what else she’s been into and what else she might get into in the future, and how much of that she wont tell you.

 

[Truth_Faith13]

How times have changed and not really for the better I’m afraid. My second date with my future husband was going to dinner to his folks and he just introduced me by my name. They knew I was coming of course. Yes it does really matter or at least it should really matter and for adults to pass it off as ‘normal’ or ‘what difference does it make’ does not set a good example for anyone. When will we ever learn. God Bless, Memaw

No what people refer to each other as really doesn’t matter…what you are saying is a chaste Christian couple who live for Christ who refer to themselves as “partners” are worse than the non committed people having sex with countless partners but refer to themselves as “girlfriends/boyfriends”

Are you American or British or where are you from?

 

[Truth_Faith13]

This!

If shes still keeping contact with those people, then its not the past. These are red flags. The way I see it, is who knows what else she’s been into and what else she might get into in the future, and how much of that she wont tell you.

We don’t even know for sure what “the past” is? The OP only gave some vague ideas. How do we know the people she is in touch with are problematic?

There are red flags here, but it’s not from the partner…

 

[Memaw]

No what people refer to each other as really doesn’t matter…what you are saying is a chaste Christian couple who live for Christ who refer to themselves as “partners” are worse than the non committed people having sex with countless partners but refer to themselves as “girlfriends/boyfriends”

Oh my, how easy it is to try to put words in someone else’s mouth. Have fun. You KNOW I never said that or even meant to imply it. God Bless, Memaw

 

[Truth_Faith13]

Oh my, how easy it is to try to put words in someone else’s mouth. Have fun. You KNOW I never said that or even meant to imply it. God Bless, Memaw

So why does it matter whether someone refers to their other halves as partners, boyfriends, girlfriends, ducky, sweetheart etc etc? You are the one saying it does matter, and how times have changed and how we will never learn?

You either connect the word with chastity or you don’t so which is it?

 

[Memaw]

So why does it matter whether someone refers to their other halves as partners, boyfriends, girlfriends, ducky, sweetheart etc etc? You are the one saying it does matter, and how times have changed and how we will never learn?

You either connect the word with chastity or you don’t so which is it?

Another one who just likes to argue. God Bless, Memaw

 

[Truth_Faith13]

Another one who just likes to argue. God Bless, Memaw

If you don’t want people challenging your position or asking you to clarify your situation…you shouldn’t be on forums. You are the one who connected him referring to his partner and him not being chaste…I wasn’t trying to argue but to state that not all people associate “partner” with chastity. On the contrary, as I do…some hear girlfriend/boyfriend and think of non committed relationships with multiple unprotected sex. I was also suggesting that some people think of girlfriend/boyfriend as being too young for professional older couples and so use “partner” instead.

I feel sorry for you that you don’t feel comfortable explaining and discussing your position but instead feel the necessity to resort to cop outs and accusations such as the above.

 

[Xantippe]

Truth_Faith13,

I think the problem is that in American English, partner means the following (in rough order of prevalence):

1. Business partner (Hence, when I hear of a romantic couple referring to themselves as “partners” I think to myself, “What are you, a law firm or a plumbing company?”)
2. Sexual partners (“You have tested positive for gonorrhea. Please inform any partners that they may have been infected.”)
3. (And this is the one that is gaining in popularity and that you are using, but which would be unfamiliar to many older Americans, particularly in non-coastal areas–for instance Memaw) Main squeeze, the person you’re going steady with, life partner, etc.

Older Americans have often dealt with the boyfriend/girlfriend issue by saying “lady friend” or “gentleman friend.”

In current American English, “boyfriend” and “girlfriend” are fairly serious titles and not easily acquired. You would not believe how much agony 20-something adult women have over the problem, “Is he my boyfriend?”

babble.com/mom/how-to-tell-if-hes-your-boyfriend-or-just-there-for-the-benefits/

 

[Truth_Faith13]

Truth_Faith13,

I think the problem is that in American English, partner means the following (in rough order of prevalence):

1. Business partner (Hence, when I hear of a romantic couple referring to themselves as “partners” I think to myself, “What are you, a law firm or a plumbing company?”)
2. Sexual partners (“You have tested positive for gonorrhea. Please inform any partners that they may have been infected.”)
3. (And this is the one that is gaining in popularity and that you are using, but which would be unfamiliar to many older Americans, particularly in non-coastal areas–for instance Memaw) Main squeeze, the person you’re going steady with, life partner, etc.

Older Americans have often dealt with the boyfriend/girlfriend issue by saying “lady friend” or “gentleman friend.”

In current American English, “boyfriend” and “girlfriend” are fairly serious titles and not easily acquired. You would not believe how much agony 20-something adult women have over the problem, “Is he my boyfriend?”

babble.com/mom/how-to-tell-if-hes-your-boyfriend-or-just-there-for-the-benefits/

Yeah I figured that might be the case which is why I asked where she was from, but it still is a lack of thinking on her part to not realise that some people will use the term differently and to automatically associate her thinking to the OP. Here in the UK it is quite common to say partner. In fact in the medical industry we are taught to say partner as it doesn’t have any “assumptions” associated to it. It’s neutral. It can also mean business partner but people usually state business partner.

I can imagine her coming to the UK and screaming “fanny” quite happily in the street. (Apologies to any here from the UK who understand the English version)

 

[max_demian]

Welcome to CAF, and I hope that our advice will be of help to you.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. It is hard. On the one hand you know that her past should not concern you, but you can’t help it. Thing is, love is not rational. We can’t always help how we feel.

It seems like you are still in shock over the discovery. Perhaps the feeling of betrayal and anger will lessen over time. Years ago I forgave the boyfriend who cheated on me. However, the feeling of hurt and humiliation burned like fire for a long time, and I had moments when I wanted to destroy him, I was so furious. But I got over it eventually. I still had occasional moments when I felt angry and humiliated and wanted to punish him, but these feelings started to lessen with time and completely faded eventually. We are now married and I never think about this. I remembered the incident now as I decided to reply to your post, but it feels like someone else’s story. I am completely detached from it.

What my story suggests is that these feelings can go away. If you love her then pray to be freed from these feelings. Don’t punish her for her past. Give yourself time to come to terms with things. Love can be tough, and this crisis can make you or break you. See this as a test of the maturity of your relationship. And turn to God to help you. That is always the best thing to do, in good times and in bad.

I hope this has helped a bit. I will pray for you.

God bless.

thank you very much for opening your heart and telling me your experience. I can’t imagine what you went through. It kind of put things in perspective for me, as she didn’t do anything wrong to me directly. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers.

 

[max_demian]

One question…are you struggling with her past because you are cross at her or because you are cross for her? I only ask because say something traumatic happens to someone, they go through all the stages…come out the other end and put it behind them. They then tell someone who cares for them a great deal and it can mean that person has to go through all he same emotions etc because of the care for that person even though the person who was involved has long since forgotten it? Does that make sense?

Hey Truth_Faith13,

I guess it’s really both. I resent her a little bit because I created in my head an image of a person that she’s not. She’s human and she makes mistakes. I’m working on it though, because I know who she is NOW.

On the other hand she’s very good at forgiving, putting things behind her and moving on. And she did exactly that with all the people she was involved with. I’m not good at those things at all, though. I tend to dwell on things far too long. Even insignificant things as people on the street being rude at me make me lose my sleep.

I just want to move on.

 

[max_demian]

It’s true…when my husband and I moved in together, we went through his things that had been in storage for years. He was open and said he couldn’t remember what was in there and they had been sealed since before he had left his previous relationship (he’s an atheist)…even with his honesty and knowledge of what could be and I trust him whole heatedly, I’d be lying if I said it didn’t hurt just a little when I came across her belongings or an old tag from a present he’d given her saying “I love you so much my darling xxxxx”

We all have our pasts, all have done and said things we shouldn’t…it sounds to me as if the OPs partner has put it well and truly behind her, it’s just a shame he didn’t trust her enough and felt he had to go behind her back.

Yes, you’re hitting the nail. She’s put all that behind her and here’s me, dragging her back into it with my attitude. I read her E-mails in the first place not out of distrust. It started out with something as silly as trying to remember the date of our first date (silliness). Then reading about all the wonderful things she said to her friends and family about me when she first met me (pride) and then finding out about other people and just not stopping (plain stupid).

 

[Truth_Faith13]

Hey Truth_Faith13,

I guess it’s really both. I resent her a little bit because I created in my head an image of a person that she’s not. She’s human and she makes mistakes. I’m working on it though, because I know who she is NOW.

On the other hand she’s very good at forgiving, putting things behind her and moving on. And she did exactly that with all the people she was involved with. I’m not good at those things at all, though. I tend to dwell on things far too long. Even insignificant things as people on the street being rude at me make me lose my sleep.

I just want to move on.

Then you need to talk to her when you are worrying, none of this going behind her back. Pray about it and ask God for the ability to move on. She’s made mistakes, you have made mistakes. She’s forgiven you and moved on, now it’s time to forgive her and move on. Concentrate on the image she is now, that kind caring supportive woman you love if you need counselling for this issue of not letting things go, maybe that’s an avenue to explore.

 

[Memaw]

Yeah I figured that might be the case which is why I asked where she was from, but it still is a lack of thinking on her part to not realise that some people will use the term differently and to automatically associate her thinking to the OP. Here in the UK it is quite common to say partner. In fact in the medical industry we are taught to say partner as it doesn’t have any “assumptions” associated to it. It’s neutral. It can also mean business partner but people usually state business partner.

I can imagine her coming to the UK and screaming “fanny” quite happily in the street. (Apologies to any here from the UK who understand the English version)

I don’t recall you asking me where I was from and here in the US today, when referring to a partner usually means a sexual partner. A life partner should be a wife or husband. God Bless, Memaw

 

[Truth_Faith13]

I don’t recall you asking me where I was from and here in the US today, when referring to a partner usually means a sexual partner. A life partner should be a wife or husband. God Bless, Memaw

Post #24

 

[max_demian]

First off, if you want to continue to have a relationship with her, you need to apologize for bringing it up over and over again and then STOP mentioning it. If you feel the need to talk to somebody about your feelings, talk to a priest or a counselor. In fact, a therapist is a good person to work with on figuring out how to stop engaging in obsessive and/or destructive thoughts. (A real therapist who does cognitive behavioral therapy, not some sort of weird Freudian garbage that never helped anybody.)

It may be too late for your relationship because of the stuff you’ve done, but if it can be saved, this is probably the only way to save it.

With regard to your girlfriend’s past, remember that she’s the “most caring, honest, patient, loyal, forgiving and supportive person I have ever known.” Part of what’s formed her as a person is her bad experiences. It wasn’t the girlfriend you know today who did the stuff you don’t approve of–she’s the person who was formed by those experiences.

Another thing that comes to mind is that your girlfriend may in fact be repeating her bad pattern with you. You mention that people treated her badly. Well, guess what–you are treating her badly right now and some of your behavior is borderline abusive (and maybe right over the line). The question is, can you stop? If you can’t, you should let her go.

Best wishes!

I agree with what you’re saying. This situation has turned me from a very confident man to a jealous monster. Her friends don’t know anything about what we’re going through (she’s too embarrased to tell anybody and so am I) but they still describe me as the perfect boyfriend. Far from that. I have changed. I’m sure I’m not worse than all the other men she met but I’m definitely not better. I have been abusive with my attitude and with my words. And she stays with me because she really loves me. It came to a point when I told her that I wanted to break up and she just said “I don’t want to break up” and bursted into tears. I hate the person I have become. I want these feelings to stop.

 

[Thorns]

We don’t even know for sure what “the past” is? The OP only gave some vague ideas. How do we know the people she is in touch with are problematic?

There are red flags here, but it’s not from the partner…

Did you read the part where the OP cried over who she was in contact with and what they’ve done with her? That sounds problematic.

 

[gigi_mvn]

I am not sure exactly the nature of your relationship with this woman, but if you two are having sexual relations and are not married, this is what I would suggest in all seriousness: for the TWO of you to repent together. From this day forth to NOT engage in ANY sort of sexual relations OUTSIDE of marriage.

If you do want to or plan on marrying her, then I would highly recommend before marriage the TWO of you to have a purification period for a good length of time (six months to a year or longer - the longer the better) that entails no kissing, no hugging, no sleep overs, and of course no sexual relations.

During the purification time, (as posted earlier with some modification) the TWO of you should spend your time pursuing a religious life, and getting acquainted with God’s laws. Get very involved with a Catholic parish. I would suggest you having your girlfriend convert to Catholicism.

Maybe after this you’ll feel more comfortable with her? Personally, I think you should be single and find a Catholic woman with experiences and a past that is not so daunting.