I can't receive sacraments because of my husband

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vatoco6

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I have been informed (by my Archbishop, no less) that I can’t receive Communion or make a Confession without my husband having his first (brief, teenaged) marriage annulled.

My husband
  1. doesn’t want to revisit his first marriage in any way, some 25 years after the fact,
  2. would really prefer I NOT “come home” to the Church after 20 years away (long story), and
  3. thinks 21 years of marriage is long enough to make our marriage valid in ANY church!
So, what do I do? Can I get his first marriage annulled by myself? And what’s the point of going to Mass when I can’t participate?

Therese
 
Therese - there is always a reason for going to Mass! You hear God’s word…you are in the presence of other believers and of course, the Real Presence.

I would ask the Archbishop the questions that you are asking us. There is recourse to your situation - there always is. See if you can talk to a canon lawyer and find out what can be done. There are many ways to work on this situation.

I will keep you in prayer Therese - please keep me in prayer as well. To God be the Glory
 
My Archbishop’s only suggestion was waiting until my husband dies. (He’s 46.) Then I can be readmitted into full Communion with the Church…when I’m what, 90? :confused:

Is this true? Please tell me there’s another way.

Therese
 
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vatoco6:
My Archbishop’s only suggestion was waiting until my husband dies. (He’s 46.) Then I can be readmitted into full Communion with the Church…when I’m what, 90?

Is this true? Please tell me there’s another way.

Therese
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Dear Therese,

I wish I was a canon lawyer and can help, but I am not. I will keep you in my prayers.

As for that archbishop, I wonder whether he considers himself pro-life? It doesn’t sound very pro-life attitude to tell you that you will have to witness another person’s death in order to receive Communion, and I assume salvation. No confession either? That’s harsh. Essentially it sounds like you are doomed to be spiritually dead until your husband is physically dead. That’s pretty morbid. Besides, what if you die first?

Without knowing canon law, I can only opine. It is entirely possible that he is bound to those rules, but somehow I doubt it.

Alan
 
But Alan…my Archbishop is Charles Chaput. Everyone on this list seems to think he’s just wonderful. He’s a nice enough guy to talk to, but very, VERY conservative, and expects unquestioning obedience from his priests and Catholics in general.

I want desperately to come “home” to the Church, but keep getting doors slammed in my face. Yes, I believe what the Church teaches…but I don’t believe priests are infallible. I do know enough to know that what the Archbishop says, goes. Period.

I am also the product of a Jesuit education. I think I’m in trouble here.

Therese
 
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vatoco6:
I want desperately to come “home” to the Church, but keep getting doors slammed in my face. Yes, I believe what the Church teaches…but I don’t believe priests are infallible. I do know enough to know that what the Archbishop says, goes. Period.
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I always thought it was a doctrine of PAPAL infallability! I know every catholic has the right to appeal, ok, so you’re not in full communion yet with the church but you want to be - find a Cardinal? Apostolic Nuncio? Appeal to Rome directly?

Please please please don’t give up!
 
I second the canon lawyer advice, although the bishop is right that you cannot receive sacraments until this is regularized.

I know that in some circumstances it IS possible to get an annulment (if it is warranted, of course) when one of the parties is unwilling to cooperate. Pray for your husband to come around – and that he might come home with you!

Doors are slamming in your face? Put this in perspective; you also slammed a door yourself 21 years ago. It may take a while to reopen it. Patience. Persistence.

What the Archbishop says goes. OK. But if you can bring new evidence to bear upon the situation, then he must revisit the question.

What does it say when you question the value of going to Mass because you cannot receive Communion? Learn to eat the Bread of Desire. Desire for the Eucharist is a very powerful form of penance.
 
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vatoco6:
My Archbishop’s only suggestion was waiting until my husband dies. (He’s 46.) Then I can be readmitted into full Communion with the Church…when I’m what, 90?

Is this true? Please tell me there’s another way.

Therese
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The Holy Bible:
And Pharisees came up and in order to test him asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?” He answered them, “What did Moses command you?” They said, “Moses allowed a man to write a certificate of divorce, and to put her away.” But Jesus said to them, “For your hardness of heart he wrote you this commandment. But from the beginning of creation, God made them male and female.' For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man put asunder.” And in the house the disciples asked him again about this matter. And he said to them, “Whoever divorces his wife and marries another, commits adultery against her; and if she divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery.” (Mark 10:2-12)
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Do not fault your bishop or the Church for trying to do the right thing; it was Jesus who said, “Whoever divorces his wife and marries another, commits adultery against her.”

As someone else recommended, you should consult with a Canon lawyer about your options. Your archdiocese can probably put you in touch with one. I am not a Canon lawyer but I have heard one on Catholic Answers Live a few times and it is my understanding that short of your husband’s death or the death of his first wife, you have two options: 1) Try to get his first marriage declared null by the Church (“annulled”) and then get your present marriage convalidated (“blessed”) by the Church; or 2) Stop living in sin; stop living together as husband and wife and start living as brother and sister. As long as you and your husband live as brother and sister, instead of as husband and wife, you are not living in sin and, assuming you are Catholic, are then free to go to Confession and confess your sins, including your 21 years of adultery, and start receiving Holy Communion. By doing option 2) above, your husband may become more interested in pursuing option 1) (Wasn’t this what the women in Aristophanes’ Lysistrata did to get what they wanted?).

Until as such time as you are reconciled to the Church and become eligible to receive Holy Communion, continue to go to Mass and, at communion time, make an Act of Spritual Communion, such as the following taken from www.ewtn.com:

My Jesus,
I believe that You are present in the Most Holy Sacrament. I love You above all things, and I desire to receive You into my soul. Since I cannot at this moment receive You sacramentally, come at least spiritually into my heart. I embrace You as if You were already there and unite myself wholly to You. Never permit me to be separated from You. Amen.
 
Hi vatoco6:

Your Bishop, thank God, is right. If more shepards were like him our church would be a much healthier place.

My sister is in the same boat you are. She has had her first marriage annulled … but married again to someone who isn’t annulled. They have been trying for three years, and my guess is it won’t happen.

I have sent my sister numerous articles about the caution of Living in the situation she is. My brother inlaw is awesome, he is a Knight and both of them are Eucharistc Minister’s in the Catholic Parish which just gives me shivers. They know they aren’t suppose to do it … which further scares me.

It isn’t a judgement - but scripture is very clear about this and the Catholic Church is very clear on the rules to play by. I liken it to being part of a club … if you want to be part of it … you have to obey the rules. The church has put these barriers up to help us in our journey to heavan.

If your husband refuses to get his brief marriage annulled, it will be a long road for you. Mass always gives graces, whether you receive or not … I also recommend some time before the Blessed Sacrament!

Go with God always … life is not always easy … and the road to heaven is very narrow.

Moe
 
I’m not comparing the actions, but this reminds me a lot of the Sacrament of Reconcilliation. The more time that has passed, the harder it is to “revisit” painful memories. But just as time doesn’t take away sin, time doesn’t take away the first marriage. No matter how stupid that action was the fact is a marriage was created and if it should be invalid those steps have to be taken.

We live in a society that believe only time heals wounds. Time only suppresses them. It is God’s Grace that heals.
 
I would also recommend performing an act of spiritual communion at Mass.

As for your husband’s first marriage - Was either he or his first wife Catholic? Were they married in the Catholic Church?
 
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vatoco6:
I have been informed (by my Archbishop, no less) that I can’t receive Communion or make a Confession without my husband having his first (brief, teenaged) marriage annulled.

My husband
  1. doesn’t want to revisit his first marriage in any way, some 25 years after the fact,
  2. would really prefer I NOT “come home” to the Church after 20 years away (long story), and
  3. thinks 21 years of marriage is long enough to make our marriage valid in ANY church!
So, what do I do? Can I get his first marriage annulled by myself? And what’s the point of going to Mass when I can’t participate?

Therese
Click to expand...
You should not distance yourself from the Church, continue towards the Church. Attend Mass, pray and become involved. The circumstances of life can change in a heartbeat. You may have recourse to the Sacraments in an emergency. You will need to be known by the priests and registered in the parish for this to be available without complications. It is important to realize that your “marriage” is not a valid Marriage and that you made this mistake 20 years ago by not following the Canon Law of the Church in regard to a Catholics participation in a Marriage. You and your family failed to stand up and say you can’t marry him until this is cleared up. You didn’t address it then and now it needs to be addressed.
 
I am in the exact same situation as you. My husband also said he would NOT under any circumstances bother getting an annulmnet for a marriage that was brief, ended a long time ago (she left) & produced no children. I begged him… argued with him… threatened him (Fine… we’ll just have to live like brother & sister then!!) and nothing I did worked. Finally I gave it over to God. I prayed… “OK God… you are the one who wants me to be Catholic… I want to be obedient but I can’t figure my way out of this mess so please help me.” And then I decided that I will do what I can do… go to mass & wait on the Lord to fix it. Well fast forward several months… my husband up & announces that he will seek the annulment, he actually called his ex out of the blue… told her to look for annulment papers… she said she was so sorry and regreted what she did to him. It was actually a wonderful thing for him to hear - very healing after all these years. So the process has begun. Bottom line, YOU can’t make your husband do anything. But God can. Let Him show you what He can do. Don’t think badly of the church because the rules are the rules. It doesn’t seem fair that you are held back because of your stubborn husband but it is what it is. Pray pray pray. Maybe God wants to see how serious you are? Do you jump ship just becasue of this obstacle or do you take up your cross and follow Him? Hang in there. I’ll pray for you. <>< CM
 
Go up to communion and receive Jesus, if He doesn’t want to help you, you will feel a burning sensation in your throut and you will then collapse on the ground and the host will eject itself from your body.

However, if you feel fine afterwards and start to treat the least like they might be Him, then you will know that what he said about believing in Him is true.

Peace
 
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vatoco6:
But Alan…my Archbishop is Charles Chaput. Everyone on this list seems to think he’s just wonderful. He’s a nice enough guy to talk to, but very, VERY conservative, and expects unquestioning obedience from his priests and Catholics in general.

I want desperately to come “home” to the Church, but keep getting doors slammed in my face. Yes, I believe what the Church teaches…but I don’t believe priests are infallible. I do know enough to know that what the Archbishop says, goes. Period.

I am also the product of a Jesuit education. I think I’m in trouble here.

Therese
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Dear Therese,

From what other posters are saying, it sounds like you were probably doomed when you got married 21 years ago without getting the annulment first.

Maybe it’s not legally relevant to the case, but I wonder what the effects of going to his ex-wife after all these years has on her? Is there a basic presumption that it would not be detrimental to her unless proven otherwise? Like I said, it probably doesn’t matter.

Perhaps the archbishop is correct in going by canon law, but that brings up an ironic twist, especially considering some things I learned in other threads. That is, if he is holding you bound, it is because he chooses to, not because the Word of God “requires” him to. If the Church teaches that her authority comes from the incident where Jesus gave Peter the keys to heaven, then if the Church wishes to release you, then you will be released in heaven and you will not be committing adultery. (That assumes, I guess, that from the time she releases you from your shackles to the time you get married into the Church you do live as brother and sister, as another poster suggested.)

Just in case someone thinks what I’m suggesting will devalue Christ’s teachings or God’s commands, I might observe that the Church is (granted she has a right to be) quite selective about which laws and commands she holds bound. For example, in this case she is apparently holding you bound to the commandment against adultery as explained by Christ’s teachings on divorce. What about the commandment against killing? When was the last time someone was held bound in a way that confession could not cure, for being angry with his brother? What about abortion? Abortion supposedly carries the penalty of automatic excommunication, but even a parish priest can waive that penalty and grant forgiveness based on mitigating circumstances.

My point is that it is the Church’s non-infallible decision to hold you bound, in your particular case, whether she justifies it with lots of legaleze or not. Since I have only heard your side of the story, I cannot say whether I agree with her in your particular case. Perhaps the archbishop thinks that you or your husband are being obstinate and uncooperative – I don’t know. What I do know is this: the Church, by her own interpretation of Christ’s teachings, cannot say she is “bound” to hold you bound. It his her decision, made by human beings according to their own wishes. If I’m wrong, then much of what I’ve learned on this forum about Church authority is nonsense or has completely gone over my head.

Alan
 
Vatoco,

Does your husband understand your desire for full communion with Jesus, in his Church?

Although seeming completely uncomfortable and troublesome for him, this would be an incredible act of faith and love by him. He would be laying aside his own issues for his bride. Reminds me of that great scripture in Ephesians 5.

This is obviously a time God is attempting to give great graces to you and your husband through your marriage.
God Bless, keep Hope
 
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dmm2000:
Vatoco,

Does your husband understand your desire for full communion with Jesus, in his Church?

Although seeming completely uncomfortable and troublesome for him, this would be an incredible act of faith and love by him. He would be laying aside his own issues for his bride. Reminds me of that great scripture in Ephesians 5.

This is obviously a time God is attempting to give great graces to you and your husband through your marriage.
God Bless, keep Hope
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Perhaps the womens husband is asking her if the church really loves her, why would it withold Jesus from her?

That is not only a fair question, it begs the question of what would Jesus’ response be to that question?

Peace
 
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ricatholic:
Perhaps the womens husband is asking her if the church really loves her, why would it withold Jesus from her?

That is not only a fair question, it begs the question of what would Jesus’ response be to that question?
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You are incorrect, this is not a fair question.

The reason the Church would withhold the Eucharist is for the wellfare of the individual involved. As reception of the Eucharist unworthly is a sin.

In the Byzantine Catholic Church we say the following prayer before reception of the Euchrist.

O Lord, I believe and profess that You are truly Christ, the Son of the living God, Who came into the World to save sinners, of whom I am the first. Accept me as a partaker of your mystical supper, O Son of God, for I will not reveal Your mysteries to our enemies, nor will I give you a kiss as did Judas, but like the thief will I confess to You.
Remember me, O Lord, when You shall come into Your kingdom.

Remember me, O Master, when You shall come into Your kingdom.

Remember me, O Holy One, when You shall come into Your kingdom.

May the partaking of your holy mysteries, O Lord, be not for my judgment, or condemnation, but for the healing of soul and body.

O Lord, I also believe and profess that this, which I am about to receive, is truly Your most precious Body and Your life-giving Blood, which, I pray, make me worthy to receive for the remission of all my sins and for life everlasting. Amen

O God, be merciful to me a sinner.

God, cleanse my sins and have mercy on me.

O Lord forgive me for I have sinned without number.

The scriptures also tell us that taking the Eucharist unworthly is wrong as does the Catechism. (someone else can provide the exact ones in necessary)

What you suggest is not Catholic.
 
RI

I believe that Jesus speaks to us through his Holy Catholic Church so as to that point, I believe Jesus is giving her his answer.

The question as to why the Church would withhold Jesus, could be addressed in Scripture when Paul says “Whoever, therefore, eats the bread or drinks the cup of the Lord in an unworthy manner will be guilty of profaning the body and blood of the Lord. Let a man examine himself, and so eat of the bread and drink of the cup” (1 Cor. 11:27–28).

“For anyone who eats and drinks without discerning the body eats and drinks judgment upon himself” (1 Cor. 11:29)

It seems to me that the Church has the state of her immortal soul in mind, when providing guidance to her in this medicinal remedy from the Archbishop.
 
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