I don't feel beautiful

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annie17on12

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How do I handle not feeling beautiful? I am getting married soon and I am worried that I will feel too self conscious to enjoy the day. I know I have low self esteem since I have felt this way since I was 13. I just wish I could overcome this somehow for my wedding day. Anyone know of any theological writings about beauty that might help? Any Prayers? Advice? 😊
 
Well, my dear, clearly someone thinks you’re beautiful–your fiancé. 🙂

In our culture we measure beauty by some very artificial standards. The shape of a nose, chin line, body shape, etc. It’s all nonsense. Beauty lies within and radiates through the whole person. A person who is kind and loving towards others is always beautiful in the true sense of the word. Forget the ads and the models and the idea that a woman has to be a certain size and shape to be beautiful. Every woman is beautiful in her own way, especially if she is gracious towards others. Be that and you will no longer care about the world’s skewed outward expectations of beauty.
 
This may seem “shallow,” but I think it matters a great deal - do you take time to take care of yourself? I am no great beauty, but I feel very different about myself when my body and hair are washed, my nails are trimmed, my teeth are brushed, I wear clothes that fit and flatter my body type, and put on a touch of makeup. When it’s a roll out of bed and wear sweatpants kind of day, I tend to feel very blah about myself. Most people are average looking, but average-all-cleaned-up looks a lot better than average-not-caring. (And weddings tend to bring out the big guns for clothes, hair, and makeup. If you’ve got a professional photographer, he or she knows how to do flattering shots, too.)

If you struggle with self-esteem, and especially if you have for a long time and not been to counseling, I’d highly recommend that you try it.

And what does your fiance say? If you want him to tell you you look nice, ask him to! Some people aren’t big with words and may not know how much it means to those of us who are.
 
pensmama87 said:
This may seem “shallow,” but I think it matters a great deal - do you take time to take care of yourself? I am no great beauty, but I feel very different about myself when my body and hair are washed, my nails are trimmed, my teeth are brushed, I wear clothes that fit and flatter my body type, and put on a touch of makeup. When it’s a roll out of bed and wear sweatpants kind of day, I tend to feel very blah about myself. Most people are average looking, but average-all-cleaned-up looks a lot better than average-not-caring. (And weddings tend to bring out the big guns for clothes, hair, and makeup. If you’ve got a professional photographer, he or she knows how to do flattering shots, too.)

If you struggle with self-esteem, and especially if you have for a long time and not been to counseling, I’d highly recommend that you try it.

And what does your fiance say? If you want him to tell you you look nice, ask him to! Some people aren’t big with words and may not know how much it means to those of us who are.
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I agree. 🙂 I’m no great beauty, either, as the world thinks of beauty, but I do keep myself looking as good as I can–with what God has given me and I can afford. Not that I stand in front of a mirror for hours, but I’ve learned what will fit my shape, what make-up enhances my looks, and that keeping neat and clean is just part of being respectful of others.

A lot of girls start to have self-esteem issues in their early teens because it’s an awkward time in a girl’s life. Hips begin to get bigger, along with other bodily features, and sometimes they aren’t in proportion at that time, so a girl may feel fat, when really she’s just “filling out” as we all do. Anyone old enough to get married has gone through that stage into adulthood, so she needs to relook at herself and realize that her looks are normal for her.

And when buying clothes no one should think they have to be size 0 in order to look good. That’s an unreal expectation. 99% of us will never be a size 0. Most of us are size 14. That doesn’t matter. What matters is buying clothes that fit one’s size, whatever it is, and one’s age. Doing that goes a long way towards making anyone feel good about her appearance.
 
pensmama87 said:
And what does your fiance say? If you want him to tell you you look nice, ask him to! Some people aren’t big with words and may not know how much it means to those of us who are.
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My fiance tells me I am beautiful everyday. But when I tell him I don’t feel pretty he gets sad, so I try not to make too big of a deal out of it. I believe he thinks I am beautiful, but I have a hard time accepting myself (especially my face, which sounds pretty vain but I can’t help it.) I used to get picked on by other people in school all the way up to college. They would poke fun of my nose and my ears and my lips. I guess I started believing them. Now I just feel like a goon I guess. I feel like they killed my spirit.

And I also tried therapy a while back but the therapist was useless. (She wanted me to have sex before marriage.)
 
Della said:
And when buying clothes no one should think they have to be size 0 in order to look good. That’s an unreal expectation. 99% of us will never be a size 0. Most of us are size 14. That doesn’t matter. What matters is buying clothes that fit one’s size, whatever it is, and one’s age. Doing that goes a long way towards making anyone feel good about her appearance.
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I am a size 0. 😦
 
annie17on12 said:
My fiance tells me I am beautiful everyday. But when I tell him I don’t feel pretty he gets sad, so I try not to make too big of a deal out of it. I believe he thinks I am beautiful, but I have a hard time accepting myself (especially my face, which sounds pretty vain but I can’t help it.) I used to get picked on by other people in school all the way up to college. They would poke fun of my nose and my ears and my lips. I guess I started believing them. Now I just feel like a goon I guess. I feel like they killed my spirit.

And I also tried therapy a while back but the therapist was useless. (She wanted me to have sex before marriage.)
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Not all therapists are created equal. Good ones are great. 👍

When your fiance tells you you are beautiful, believe him!
 
annie17on12 said:
I am a size 0. 😦
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I envy you, sweetie! 😃 I’ve recently gone from a size 1 plus-16/18 to a 10. There was a time in my life when I would have killed to be a size 0, but I had to accept that I’ll never be that.

Girls in school can be cruel. I know. I too was “teased” mercilessly. I ignored them. I realized that in a very few years I’d probably never see them again. As it happens, I did see them at a class reunion, and guess what? They weren’t any better looking than me, and they hadn’t done half the things in their lives that I had. Don’t spend the rest of your life defining yourself according to a bunch of losers like them. There is nothing wrong with any of your features. In fact, I’ll bet you anything they envied you your small size so they attacked you in a sick effort to make themselves feel better. You’re an adult now. Let it go. It’s not reality, it’s only a bad memory. Live for today and your own happiness. None of those girls are a part of your life, nor should you continue to let them affect your life. Your fiancé is right–you are beautiful. 👍
 
Pensmama,

You are just too cute. My wife has the same issue I believe she is pretty – yet when tell her that she gets shy and tells me to stop – which I do not. Keep in mind that it does not matter what “others” view to be pretty – the only ones that should matter are those who love you – as your soon to be husband does. He views you as being pretty – and that is all that should matter.

Also there is more to beauty than physical appearance, which will fade. Once that is gone then you are left with the true person – some people can be very pretty physically, yet be the ugliest person inside.

Remain calm and trust in God and your husband. They are the only ones that should matter to you. This way you will be able to show you children that they should not let others determine their self-worth or the self-esteem.

I pray that God grants you peace and happiness now and always.

Winter
 
Winter_Warlock said:
Pensmama,

You are just too cute. My wife has the same issue I believe she is pretty – yet when tell her that she gets shy and tells me to stop – which I do not. Keep in mind that it does not matter what “others” view to be pretty – the only ones that should matter are those who love you – as your soon to be husband does. He views you as being pretty – and that is all that should matter.

Also there is more to beauty than physical appearance, which will fade. Once that is gone then you are left with the true person – some people can be very pretty physically, yet be the ugliest person inside.

Remain calm and trust in God and your husband. They are the only ones that should matter to you. This way you will be able to show you children that they should not let others determine their self-worth or the self-esteem.

I pray that God grants you peace and happiness now and always.

Winter
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Yes, what Winter has said. some of the most beautiful people I have met are ugly from the inside and it slithers through. Love who you are as God made you. I hope you have a wonderful marriage with the man who sees the inner you. Peace and prayers.
 
You’re engaged, but fear that no-one finds you beautiful?

It’s just prenuptial nervousness; breathe and relax!

Congratulations and ICXC NIKA.
 
annie17on12 said:
How do I handle not feeling beautiful? I am getting married soon and I am worried that I will feel too self conscious to enjoy the day. I know I have low self esteem since I have felt this way since I was 13. I just wish I could overcome this somehow for my wedding day. Anyone know of any theological writings about beauty that might help? Any Prayers? Advice? 😊
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My previous pastor said that he never ever did a Wedding or a Nuptial Mass where the bride was not simply gorgeous.
Even if he knew the girl in advance, and she was just average or even plain, he said that something about marrying your beloved, wearing that white gown, being in the presence of your family and friends, and walking up the aisle transforms even those who think they are ugly ducklings into beautiful brides.
Obviously you are gorgeous on the inside or else he wouldn’t have wanted to spend the rest of his life with you. 😉
Cheer up. 🙂
You’ll be one of those beautiful brides. 👍
 
annie17on12 said:
How do I handle not feeling beautiful? I am getting married soon and I am worried that I will feel too self conscious to enjoy the day. I know I have low self esteem since I have felt this way since I was 13. I just wish I could overcome this somehow for my wedding day. Anyone know of any theological writings about beauty that might help? Any Prayers? Advice? 😊
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Be gentle with yourself, and with your husband.
Every bride is beautiful on their wedding day–I’ve never seen a picture where I wasn’t absolutely struck by how beautiful the bride looked!

But the most beautiful thing of all? Your smile and your gentle graciousness. Make your husband feel loved. This is what sets you apart from all the other beautiful ladies. It is simply because you love him, and your giving your entire LIFE to him. He’s a very, very lucky man for someone to do that for him. Now if that’s not beautiful, I don’t know what is.

Now go and smile, and know your worth!
 
annie17on12;13956396**:
My fiance tells me I am beautiful everyday. But when I tell him I don’t feel pretty he gets sad, so I try not to make too big of a deal out of it.
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I believe he thinks I am beautiful, but I have a hard time accepting myself (especially my face, which sounds pretty vain but I can’t help it.) I used to get picked on by other people in school all the way up to college. They would poke fun of my nose and my ears and my lips. I guess I started believing them. Now I just feel like a goon I guess. I feel like they killed my spirit.

And I also tried therapy a while back but the therapist was useless. (She wanted me to have sex before marriage.)

He doesn’t get sad because you tell him this. He gets sad because to him you are the most beautiful woman in the world and he probably doesn’t understand how you could possibly feel that way. Trust me, as a man, also preparing for marriage.

Talk about this with him. That will help. Maybe also you could both read "The Joy of being a Woman, And what a Man can Do" by Ingrid Trobisch. My fiancee read it and then asked me to read it. It doesn’t deal directly with beauty but it does talk about acceptance of self as a woman. I would say it’s vital pre-marriage reading.

God Bless
 
annie17on12 said:
How do I handle not feeling beautiful? I am getting married soon and I am worried that I will feel too self conscious to enjoy the day. I know I have low self esteem since I have felt this way since I was 13. I just wish I could overcome this somehow for my wedding day. Anyone know of any theological writings about beauty that might help? Any Prayers? Advice? 😊
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It is nice to feel beautiful, but that is all it is. It is one of the desserts of life, a treat.

You might want to turn this around and decide it is more important that you are beautiful to your husband on your wedding day than it is that you feel beautiful. It is more important to concern yourself with his enjoyment of the day and your guests’ enjoyment of the day than to worry about whether or not you will enjoy it. Feeling nice about yourself is nice, but it is easier to be content if your contentment lies in knowing you have done what you could to make life better for those you love.

Try that on for size. If it helps, great. If not, try something else. Don’t give up, and most of all, do not worry that a wedding day that isn’t perfect is a big deal. It isn’t. A great marriage is important. Great friendships are important, great relationships with your new family and your family of origin are important. A great wedding day is a trifle by comparison–enjoyable, but not immensely important in the big picture. Take the day that way, and even the “disasters” will be something to laugh over later.
 
annie17on12 said:
How do I handle not feeling beautiful? I am getting married soon and I am worried that I will feel too self conscious to enjoy the day. I know I have low self esteem since I have felt this way since I was 13. I just wish I could overcome this somehow for my wedding day. Anyone know of any theological writings about beauty that might help? Any Prayers? Advice? 😊
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God Bless your marriage! In my opinion, all people are beautifull because they are made by God. God only can make beautiful. Within God’s wonderful beauty some are more beautiful than others. But that is of much lower importance. What truly is the most important is your soul. That is what should matter most to your spouse and to others. Whenever I see a beautifull woman I say to myself at the advice of my confessor, “I wonder what she would be like to live with!” So physical beauty is is not everything. Dont worry Im sure your husband and family with think you are stunning on your wedding day!
 
You are made in the image and likeness of God. What could be more beautiful than that?
 
I am 67 years old and have been married 46, almost 47 years. I have lost the girlish figure, my hair is graying, my chin is sagging, I have some wrinkles, etc. Yet my husband still calls me his “pretty lady” and “Princess”. And I don’t argue with him. In his eyes that’s what I am, and that is what is important. Don’t argue with your fiancé. You ARE beautiful.
 
CB_Catholic said:
I am 67 years old and have been married 46, almost 47 years. I have lost the girlish figure, my hair is graying, my chin is sagging, I have some wrinkles, etc. Yet my husband still calls me his “pretty lady” and “Princess”. And I don’t argue with him. In his eyes that’s what I am, and that is what is important. Don’t argue with your fiancé. You ARE beautiful.
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Exactly this.
 
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