I don't get how people do it

[Irishmom2]

I don’t know the circumstances of how you met, or how far apart you live or how often you physically get to spend time together. Perhaps that is the reason that you don’t feel you know each other well enough. It is possible for some people to connect despite being long distance, but it sounds as if this is problematic for your relationship. One would think that after 2.5 years though, you would know one way or the other. But since you don’t…

If the day comes that you will marry, one of you is going to have to move. I am not saying you should move in together, but one of you needs to consider moving closer to the other so you can make a decision based on spending time together if that is what is keeping you from knowing each other “enough.”

Honestly, since you have a child, your boyfriend is the one that should move.

 

[Xantippe]

Honestly, since you have a child, your boyfriend is the one that should move.

That’s a very good point.

It might not always be the right move (for instance, if there were major professional or geographical issues), but I think it’s a good default.

Also, the older your child gets, the worse it will be to move them. We moved to our current area when our oldest was nearly 5, and we got a huge regression in potty training after we moved, not to mention a year of sadness about missing her old area and her buddy from pre-K. It wasn’t a big deal for her 2-year-old brother. So, if you must transplant your kid, do it earlier rather than later.

About the cohabitation stuff–if you’re going to be married, live in the same area and do a lot of home stuff together. The person moving (ideally your fiance) could rent a studio apartment or a room, minimizing expenses, and you can use your home as a home base. Down the road, after you’ve settled in, you might consider a new home that will be equally yours.

Definitely don’t move somebody into your home, marriage or no marriage, who has not already spent A LOT of day-to-day time with you and your child.

 

[Xantippe]

I don’t know the circumstances of how you met, or how far apart you live or how often you physically get to spend time together. Perhaps that is the reason that you don’t feel you know each other well enough. It is possible for some people to connect despite being long distance, but it sounds as if this is problematic for your relationship. One would think that after 2.5 years though, you would know one way or the other. But since you don’t…

If the day comes that you will marry, one of you is going to have to move. I am not saying you should move in together, but one of you needs to consider moving closer to the other so you can make a decision based on spending time together if that is what is keeping you from knowing each other “enough.”

Right. Live in the same town (or no further than an hour away) and see a lot of each other and do everyday stuff together and see if you have a future together.

Fish or cut bait–either move forward or move on.

 

[EasterJoy]

I don’t know the circumstances of how you met, or how far apart you live or how often you physically get to spend time together. Perhaps that is the reason that you don’t feel you know each other well enough. It is possible for some people to connect despite being long distance, but it sounds as if this is problematic for your relationship. One would think that after 2.5 years though, you would know one way or the other. But since you don’t…

If the day comes that you will marry, one of you is going to have to move. I am not saying you should move in together, but one of you needs to consider moving closer to the other so you can make a decision based on spending time together if that is what is keeping you from knowing each other “enough.”

Honestly, since you have a child, your boyfriend is the one that should move.

A willingness to move in together doesn’t make marriage either more likely or more likely to succeed if it does. If anything, it allows a couple (or one in the couple) to “kick the can down the road” for a longer time. If you’re essentially living as if you are married already, what is the hurry to marry?

I agree with the OP that the way she handles this will be the template her daughter is going to feel free to follow. (If it is so great, Mom, why didn’t *you *do it that way?)

 

[Irishmom2]

A willingness to move in together doesn’t make marriage either more likely or more likely to succeed if it does. If anything, it allows a couple (or one in the couple) to “kick the can down the road” for a longer time. If you’re essentially living as if you are married already, what is the hurry to marry?

I agree with the OP that the way she handles this will be the template her daughter is going to feel free to follow. (If it is so great, Mom, why didn’t *you *do it that way?)

Just for the record, no where in my post did I say for them to move in together.

 

[1ke]

Just for the record, no where in my post did I say for them to move in together.

Sometimes when people quote you, it isn’t because they are responding but because they are adding on to your thoughts. Just a suggestion, that might be the case here.

 

[Lea101]

If a couple has that “family relationship”, living together, pre marital sex (I’m not saying you guys are doing it, just speaking generally) , then marriage is just some contract. It’s not a huge deal anymore. I don’t know how to phrase this better, so I hope this makes sense!

It’s important for a couple to realise this, it’s so tempting to want to know a person “fully” by living together, but when you get married, nothing changes. Marriage is not the last step of a relationship! Anyway, like you said already, you want to set a good example for your precious child

I think it’s very important to have a long talk with him about everything. Honestly. It’s not uncommon for a guy to behave that way so I wouldn’t worry unless he keeps on insisting IMO. I feel like you have it under control, you sound very mature. Don’t feel bad for resenting the faith sometimes. It is very very very hard, but it’s in our best interest! Couples who live together before marriage are more likely to divorce anyway! I’m not sure why but if I were to think of a reason, it’s because they don’t view marriage as a huge deal. Just some sort of a title, I guess, since they were behaving like a married couple before they are even engaged

 

[pianistclare]

Well, I guess it’s not really clear.
Is this a long distance relationship, (like from a different state) or does he just want to move in?

 

[thechrismyster]

My wife and I dated for almost 2 years… i saw her everyday. We never lived together before marriage, we just dated until we realized we needed to get married, got married and then we got a place together. Its not hard to do whats right. Doing whats right is actually amazing easy. If you try to circumvent how its supposed to be … (date, engage, marry) then troubles will follow. There is an order to these things. If you cohabitate before marriage, that’s not the right order, then you invite problems.

 

[Bri125]

We only live about 20 minutes away from each other, so by long distance I only mean we live in different towns. I’m at his place for dinner after work several times a week (as i still live with my parents) and on the weekends, usually Friday night, he and I spend some time together after my daughter goes to sleep. Usually one weekend day (if not both) the three of us spend time together. However, I always go home at night…there has never been any staying over or sleepovers or any of that. He is very close with my daughter…often babysits if she is home sick from school or whatnot (he works from home.) But I guess he still feels like that is not enough. The more i am thinking about it, the more I am ripping mad about it. He says he feels like he HAS to marry me for us to get real “us” time, but DUH thats what I think marriage is and what I have thought of it the whole duration of this relationship. Thats the logical next step to me. Theres no doubt that we know each other well enough, so i really just don’t understand his argument. Plus, I don’t really understand whats so bad about having to marry the person with whom you’ve been anticipating marriage with for 2+ years, so I guess this is something that he has to work out on his end. If something crazy happened to me right now and I HAD to get married to him asap, I would be thrilled!

Thanks again, and please send prayers for clarity and resolution.

 

[Xantippe]

We only live about 20 minutes away from each other, so by long distance I only mean we live in different towns. I’m at his place for dinner after work several times a week (as i still live with my parents) and on the weekends, usually Friday night, he and I spend some time together after my daughter goes to sleep. Usually one weekend day (if not both) the three of us spend time together. However, I always go home at night…there has never been any staying over or sleepovers or any of that. He is very close with my daughter…often babysits if she is home sick from school or whatnot (he works from home.) But I guess he still feels like that is not enough. The more i am thinking about it, the more I am ripping mad about it. **He says he feels like he HAS to marry me for us to get real “us” time, but DUH thats what I think marriage is and what I have thought of it the whole duration of this relationship. Thats the logical next step to me. **Theres no doubt that we know each other well enough, so i really just don’t understand his argument. Plus, I don’t really understand whats so bad about having to marry the person with whom you’ve been anticipating marriage with for 2+ years, so I guess this is something that he has to work out on his end. If something crazy happened to me right now and I HAD to get married to him asap, I would be thrilled!

Thanks again, and please send prayers for clarity and resolution.

Alrighty–if you guys live 20 minutes away, my sympathy for him has just dried up completely.

An ultimatum is bad–you don’t want to arm wrestle him into marrying you if he doesn’t want to marry you. Ideally, he should passionately WANT to marry you.

The next time he mentions living together, you can tell him, “Sweetie, the ball is in your court. I would love to get married to you, but I don’t want to move in without marriage. Aside from the moral aspect, I have a child to think about.”

Be prepared to have him break up with you. Also, have a mental kill date set up after which (if there is no proposal), YOU break up with him–no more than six months, I would think. By Christmas, you should either have broken up and moved on or be engaged already. This man has taken up more than enough of your time.

 

[Xantippe]

It might also be helpful to mention that you do not expect an engagement ring and that you have moderate wedding plans, if that happens to be the case.

 

[1ke]

We only live about 20 minutes away from each other, so by long distance I only mean we live in different towns.

I don’t think most people would classify that as “long distance”. In fact, that is “practically right down the street” in most people’s book.

But I guess he still feels like that is not enough.

That’s what marriage is for!

He says he feels like he HAS to marry me for us to get real “us” time, but DUH thats what I think marriage is and what I have thought of it the whole duration of this relationship.

What does “us” time look like if not dinner 3x or 4x per week, weekly Friday night dates and all day Saturday and/or Sunday together??? Frankly, you don’t get much more “us” than that.

You have more “us” time than some married couples I know who are running themselves and kids to activities and rarely eat a meal together!

Plus, I don’t really understand whats so bad about having to marry the person with whom you’ve been anticipating marriage with for 2+ years

I think this is a question you need to ask him, directly.

 

[1ke]

Alrighty–if you guys live 20 minutes away, my sympathy for him has just dried up completely.

An ultimatum is bad–you don’t want to arm wrestle him into marrying you if he doesn’t want to marry you. Ideally, he should passionately WANT to marry you.

The next time he mentions living together, you can tell him, “Sweetie, the ball is in your court. I would love to get married to you, but I don’t want to move in without marriage. Aside from the moral aspect, I have a child to think about.”

Be prepared to have him break up with you. Also, have a mental kill date set up after which (if there is no proposal), YOU break up with him–no more than six months, I would think. By Christmas, you should either have broken up and moved on or be engaged already. This man has taken up more than enough of your time.

Yep.

 

[1ke]

My wife and I dated for almost 2 years… i saw her everyday. We never lived together before marriage, we just dated until we realized we needed to get married, got married and then we got a place together. Its not hard to do whats right. Doing whats right is actually amazing easy. If you try to circumvent how its supposed to be … (date, engage, marry) then troubles will follow. There is an order to these things. If you cohabitate before marriage, that’s not the right order, then you invite problems.

My DH and I lived 1800 miles apart, so REAL long distance. We dated 1.25 years, got engaged at Christmas, and married 8 months later. That was almost 11 years ago.

Something seems off if a person who has been seeing you 3x to 6x per week for 2.5 years, calls your 20 minute distance apart “long distance”, and doesn’t think they have enough “us” time with you will not move to make a marriage commitment.

 

[Xantippe]

What does “us” time look like if not dinner 3x or 4x per week, weekly Friday night dates and all day Saturday and/or Sunday together??? Frankly, you don’t get much more “us” than that.

You have more “us” time than some married couples I know who are running themselves and kids to activities and rarely eat a meal together!

Yeah.

 

[Maximilan_Kolbe]

Alrighty–if you guys live 20 minutes away, my sympathy for him has just dried up completely.

An ultimatum is bad–you don’t want to arm wrestle him into marrying you if he doesn’t want to marry you. Ideally, he should passionately WANT to marry you.

The next time he mentions living together, you can tell him, “Sweetie, the ball is in your court. I would love to get married to you, but I don’t want to move in without marriage. Aside from the moral aspect, I have a child to think about.”

Be prepared to have him break up with you. Also, have a mental kill date set up after which (if there is no proposal), YOU break up with him–no more than six months, I would think. By Christmas, you should either have broken up and moved on or be engaged already. This man has taken up more than enough of your time.

20 minutes! That’s called a commute to work!

I assumed long-distance implied remote geographic isolation of some sort.

My wife and I were an hour away when dating, and though it was a challenge to see her other than on a weekend, it was still more than enough contact to discern marriage.

How is your time with your boyfriend spent? Sometimes the quality of what we do is more helpful in discernment than the quantity. If all my girlfriend and I did was watch movies when we saw one another, we’d never get a good feel for each other. We attended Catholic lecture series with good speakers, mass and confession, and even more benign things like simply having long discussions while walking. Granted, your daughter is your priority, so that may limit what you are able to do, but a 20 minute distance is not an impediment to truly getting to know someone, and certainly using it as an excuse to “move in” doesn’t pass muster on his part. I suspect that is just a convenient excuse to get what he wants, but I don’t know your BF in fairness.

 

[St_Francis]

Is he good at making decisions, or is he the type of person who does a huge amount of research before, say, buying a car?

 

[pianistclare]

We only live about 20 minutes away from each other, so by long distance I only mean we live in different towns. I’m at his place for dinner after work several times a week (as i still live with my parents) and on the weekends, usually Friday night, he and I spend some time together after my daughter goes to sleep. Usually one weekend day (if not both) the three of us spend time together. However, I always go home at night…there has never been any staying over or sleepovers or any of that. He is very close with my daughter…often babysits if she is home sick from school or whatnot (he works from home.) But I guess he still feels like that is not enough. The more i am thinking about it, the more I am ripping mad about it. He says he feels like he HAS to marry me for us to get real “us” time, but DUH thats what I think marriage is and what I have thought of it the whole duration of this relationship. Thats the logical next step to me. Theres no doubt that we know each other well enough, so i really just don’t understand his argument. Plus, I don’t really understand whats so bad about having to marry the person with whom you’ve been anticipating marriage with for 2+ years, so I guess this is something that he has to work out on his end. If something crazy happened to me right now and I HAD to get married to him asap, I would be thrilled!

In that case, it sounds like he just wants to move in without the marriage.
I’d sit him down and explain that you want marriage, not another kid in the house.
The response he gives will tell you a lot about where his heart is. You don’t HAVE to marry anyone. Particularly someone who isn’t really interested in marriage in the first place.
Good luck.

 

[Bri125]

I am thankful to have had the opportunity to speak to others on this topic, it helps immensely to be able to let all of the thoughts out. It is so so painful to think that we may break up over this. He kind of sounds like a jerk the way I described him in this post, but he’s really not. I don’t think I’d know how to move on if he walked away over this but I know for my daughter’s sake I must do what is right and pray and hope for the best. Thanks to all who responded…it was all sound advice!