I don't get how people do it

[chevalier]

“Tolkienesque courtship” is hilarious.

It can be a rewarding personal experience, it just isn’t mandatory for everybody or even a good idea. Let alone that you don’t need to be a half-angelic princess that’s too good for a human male to touch or some sort of a royal with 5000 years of documented pedigree who almost dodged Original Sin*.

(* But it still painfully inadequate.)

That’d be just a lil’ bit too janssenist. Or some other -ist. I’m pretty sure there must be an -ism for that. Somewhere.

 

[Still_Hoping]

Thanks for replying. I guess the real problem is, my boyfriend is struggling with the “long distance” (not living together) thing more than I am. The way he sees it, we have been together for 2.5 years, yet we have no close couple-y relationship outside of the one we share together with my 5 year old daughter (from a previous relationship…part of the rocky past I mentioned earlier). While having a child certainly makes any relationship harder, you can imagine how hard it is to balance both factors. My boyfriend is feeling like he HAS to marry me now in order to get us all under one roof and living a close family “real” relationship, and that’s the only solution. While we have both been wanting and anticipating marriage since the start, i think he is feeling pressured, like the only way he can get all of me is by marrying me. We tend to disagree on this slightly, since I think that that’s the whole point of marriage. But anyways, thanks again for listening!

Don’t be dismayed. It is normal to have these feelings but that it makes you doubt his commitment, well that is a red flag. Anytime you feel pressure to do something you don’t want it is a sign. You have dated long enough, so I don’t know why this is an issue. You either know that you want to be with this person or not; there is no second guessing. When you do it means something is off and you should reflect on it.

This ‘free’ lifestyle that non-catholics enjoy is not what it seems. We are purchased at a price. Remember what it cost God and then reflect on what true freedom is.

I suffer too. I look at all these happy free-loving people and wonder how do they do it? Someone said to me that when such things happen like attraction, it is a gift and a positive feeling that is warranted and rewarded to those who grasp it and are not afraid to live it (married or not). As Catholics we are taught to not throw caution to the wind and be wise. Yes, it means a constant dying to one’s desires and to unite our will with the will of God. Hence, the reason we need to be surrounded by believers so that this belief may be upheld, to keep us from falling into temptation.

The world looks free but it is not.

 

[Still_Hoping]

It’s doable, but you need to be able to realize that peer pressure is just pressure and not something you’re actually supposed to comply with. You also need a girlfriend/boyfriend who will not put that kind of pressure on you, obviously. That kind of pressure is still resistible, but it exposes you to powerful temptation to rationalize and justify something (in this case ‘something’ is fornication) you don’t even actually want to do.

Not a smart move, yes, because discernment is necessary, but the thing is: marriage is not a crowning achievement for having found your soulmate or some other other half magically separated at birth etc. Marriage is only the beginning of the path. And no, I somehow doubt that people are supposed to marry only in their middle age and only after 5 or so years of Tolkienesque courtship. Marriage is not the zen of attaning enlightenment together and moving on to a higher plane of spiritual existence intended for those who know (it’s easy to extrapolate that kind of view into a gnostic heresy).

Look at canon law. I know it’s not a work of theology, but as far as I go it drives home the message that after puberty + more or less sound catechesis one should be good to go.

Again, marriage is not a higher plane of existence for M.A. holders in theology with an accomplished internship in a contemplative monastery. It’s something a not particularly retarted adolescent should be able to pull off by default.

And the rest is hard, hard work. The part that everybody dreads and some don’t even think about. Including a 16 year old boy who grew up on a farm and didn’t ever go to school, like it used to be.

I agree with you. Somehow, we females are made to think that marriage is the epitome of romance and love. While it can encompass these qualities it is far more than these. The agape love that Christ taught is not as visible in the world as is this flagging love the world teaches. Should agape love be more visible in the world, the more people would understand the mysteries of God and his plan for us in this world; especially the sacrament of marriage.

 

[chevalier]

I agree with you. Somehow, we females are made to think that marriage is the epitome of romance and love. While it can encompass these qualities it is far more than these. The agape love that Christ taught is not as visible in the world as is this flagging love the world teaches. Should agape love be more visible in the world, the more people would understand the mysteries of God and his plan for us in this world; especially the sacrament of marriage.

These days people make it sound awfully complicated, like you need to almost do master’s research in Catholic philosophy before you can date and doctorate before you can marry.

We may want more than our grandparents did (though I somehow doubt that), we may put more emphasis on some things than they did, but at the end of the day marriage is still for the people and not for the learned in the Scripture. (For whom celibacy is more like it.)

[Says incurable romantic. For all my academic rigour I’ve never cured myself of Aragon & Arwen fable. Part of the reason I’m still single at 33.]

 

[AdamP88]

Hello friends. Several years ago, I “re-found” my faith and became a devoted follower of my Catholic faith (despite a rocky past). I educated myself on my religion and felt very solid in what I believed in.

So fast forward, I have been in a relationship for almost 2.5 years now, with the intention of being married and living happily every after. Since it goes against my Catholic faith, I decided from day 1 that I would not co-habitate until marriage. 2.5 years later we are still living separately, and I must admit it has been the biggest struggle ever. I understand and agree with the teachings of the church, but it is SO SO SOOO hard to build a solid foundation from two separate houses. Now that we’ve been together for a couple years, we want to get married, but in some sense we feel like there’s so much we don’t know about each other because we lack that close connection. I hate to even think it, but sometimes it makes me resent my faith. I see all of my friends living these “freestyle” relationships with no Catholic “rules” and it looks awesome. I know God’s teaching is the right way to go but it is so hard and I hate it. I feel like I just want to rush and get married just so we can be together but I know that’s probably not the right move either. I don’t understand how Catholics do it. It was a struggle to keep a “long-distance” relationship alive for 2 years, and I didn’t expect it to be. How are people who do not live together expected to keep the relationship alive?

Thanks for listening. I guess I’m not looking for any real advice, I just needed to vent.

I was in a long distance relationship for a year with my now fiancee. She moved closer to me last year and we also find it a struggle to save for a wedding and a life together when we have to pay separate rent and bills and work hard to start out.

We also have decided to wait until marriage for an “intimate” relationship. We are obviously looking forward to that aspect but we don’t let it dominate. The time before marriage is important to get to know your future spouse and is to be cherished and not wished away. I’m looking forward to married life but I’m also enjoying every moment of engagement. It’ll never come again.

I think the way to keep a relationship alive is to date often and talk often. Sometimes it’s a hard week and you may not get to see much of each other and I always find it’great to see my fiancee after I haven’t been near her in a few days due to work.

Is marriage on the horizon for you?
The church generally doesn’t advise long courtships for exactly the reason you’re describing.

 

[chevalier]

I’m looking forward to married life but I’m also enjoying every moment of engagement. It’ll never come again.

Get some pro’ photos made, it makes all the difference. Judging by your profile paraphernalia you should have no problem finding memorable moments in memorable settings. You probably already have a stack of selfies from cool places anyway.

 

[AdamP88]

Get some pro’ photos made, it makes all the difference. Judging by your profile paraphernalia you should have no problem finding memorable moments in memorable settings. You probably already have a stack of selfies from cool places anyway.

Thanks for the advice. We definitely will. Since I’m a kayaking fanatic we may get some of our wedding photo’s in canoes as the Church where we’re getting married is right beside the canoe club where I’m a member.

God Bless

 

[Xantippe]

Get some pro’ photos made, it makes all the difference. Judging by your profile paraphernalia you should have no problem finding memorable moments in memorable settings. You probably already have a stack of selfies from cool places anyway.

Very good idea!

 

[AdamP88]

Get some pro’ photos made, it makes all the difference. Judging by your profile paraphernalia you should have no problem finding memorable moments in memorable settings. You probably already have a stack of selfies from cool places anyway.

I actually entered a competition for free pro photography on a wedding site earlier. Pray that we win!!

 

[chevalier]

Thanks for the advice. We definitely will. Since I’m a kayaking fanatic we may get some of our wedding photo’s in canoes as the Church where we’re getting married is right beside the canoe club where I’m a member.

God Bless

I recall a picture of JP2 saying Mass on a kayak turned upside down, with a cross of oars, but can’t come up with the right keywords to find it in Google Images, or perhaps it’s not there.

 

[AdamP88]

I recall a picture of JP2 saying Mass on a kayak turned upside down, with a cross of oars, but can’t come up with the right keywords to find it in Google Images, or perhaps it’s not there.

I remember seeing this too. I can’t seem to find it either.

 

[Still_Hoping]

These days people make it sound awfully complicated, like you need to almost do master’s research in Catholic philosophy before you can date and doctorate before you can marry.

We may want more than our grandparents did (though I somehow doubt that), we may put more emphasis on some things than they did, but at the end of the day marriage is still for the people and not for the learned in the Scripture. (For whom celibacy is more like it.)

[Says incurable romantic. For all my academic rigour I’ve never cured myself of Aragon & Arwen fable. Part of the reason I’m still single at 33.]

You are still young and it is fine to be romantic. However, I don’t know what young woman want today. I will pray that God provides you with a wonderful woman to marry. God Bless.

 

[guanophore]

Hello friends. Several years ago, I “re-found” my faith and became a devoted follower of my Catholic faith (despite a rocky past). I educated myself on my religion and felt very solid in what I believed in.

So fast forward, I have been in a relationship for almost 2.5 years now, with the intention of being married and living happily every after. Since it goes against my Catholic faith, I decided from day 1 that I would not co-habitate until marriage. 2.5 years later we are still living separately, and I must admit it has been the biggest struggle ever. I understand and agree with the teachings of the church, but it is SO SO SOOO hard to build a solid foundation from two separate houses. Now that we’ve been together for a couple years, we want to get married, but in some sense we feel like there’s so much we don’t know about each other because we lack that close connection. I hate to even think it, but sometimes it makes me resent my faith. I see all of my friends living these “freestyle” relationships with no Catholic “rules” and it looks awesome. I know God’s teaching is the right way to go but it is so hard and I hate it. I feel like I just want to rush and get married just so we can be together but I know that’s probably not the right move either. I don’t understand how Catholics do it. It was a struggle to keep a “long-distance” relationship alive for 2 years, and I didn’t expect it to be. How are people who do not live together expected to keep the relationship alive?

Thanks for listening. I guess I’m not looking for any real advice, I just needed to vent.

Catholic teaching does run counter to our culture. Most marriages fail BECAUSE of the distorted thinking that knowing what people find out when they co-habitate will make it work but it is the opposite. More marriages fail after pre-marital co-habitation.

Barely 100 years ago and more many marriages were arranged, and many still are in places. How did the marriage work when the couple never met until it was time to go to th altar? They learned to love in the process of working out the marriage.

What matters is just God’s will … Where He guides, He provides, so if you allow HIm to lead you, then His grace will be sufficient.

 

[ToeInTheWater]

Catholic teaching does run counter to our culture. Most marriages fail BECAUSE of the distorted thinking that knowing what people find out when they co-habitate will make it work but it is the opposite. More marriages fail after pre-marital co-habitation.

Barely 100 years ago and more many marriages were arranged, and many still are in places. How did the marriage work when the couple never met until it was time to go to th altar? They learned to love in the process of working out the marriage.

What matters is just God’s will … Where He guides, He provides, so if you allow HIm to lead you, then His grace will be sufficient.

It seems the OP and her BF have a fundamentally different view of marriage. She sees marriage as the beginning of a truly committed relationship, while the BF sees it marriage as merely the proclamation to society that a truly committed relationship already exists. I don’t see how such different views can be reconciled.

But let’s not go to the extreme of idealizing arranged marriages, either. A marriage can be a failure even if it doesn’t end in divorce. Not all couples in arranged marriages “learned to love”. Many essentially lived their separate lives after they did their duty and produced children. Some even engaged in discreet, or not so discreet, affairs on the side.

Now, perhaps you would state that even such a marriage is superior to a “love marriage” that ends in divorce and remarriage, but adultery is adultery.