I don't know how to heal from past sexual abuse

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jmjZelie

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I am finally feeling brave enough to seek help with this. I have an appointment with my counselor next week and I hope that being honest here will help me to be brave enough to say some of these things out loud. Although I feel like I am going to be sick while typing this.

Here goes.

I don’t know how to heal from past sexual abuse. My husband sexually abused and mistreated me for almost 15 years, treating me like a wh*** to fulfill his desires and punishing me with rough treatment and causing injuries in intimate areas if I didn’t perform well enough. Upon our simultaneous conversion to the Faith, all the abuse stopped, but it was several more years before he was able to function in a normal sexual way with me (PE and impotence were constant frustrations). I now often have anxiety attacks trying to have relations.

Out of respect for him, I have never talked about this with anyone, even anonymously, until now. (Actually, I just remembered I did try once to ask advice anonymously but I chickened out and never returned to use that account again.) I have tried to work through it with him, and I have prayed for healing. But I am not moving on. I have chosen to forgive, but I am still waiting for healing, and I am feeling pretty broken up over all of this.

I have never denied my husband, even in the midst of all of the abuse. The most I ever did was to inform him of medical restriction after childbirth. Even while trying to heal from the damage when he punished me was a time when he was not willing to abstain. I kept getting reinjured. Now, with our circumstances being what they are, and us following Church teaching on sexual morality, he has had to learn sexual restraint and that has helped things because he is not expecting everyday relations anymore. However, I wonder, when will my heart heal? What can I do? Is there some way that I am preventing my own healing?
 
I think these are exactly the things you should say to your counselor. Or even copy this and print it out if the words are hard to say (I’ve done that before.)

I have a feeling your counselor will ask about what treatment, if any, your husband has had, and may recommend additional treatments or couples counseling.

It’s hard to say these things, but it’s very important for healing to be open and honest with your therapist. God bless you and I’ll be praying for your healing.
 
I’m sorry.:hug1:

I agree with all Pensmama 87 has to say.

I’m seeing a therapist as well (marriage and by myself as well, marriage more frequently)

You can search my older posts. I had written about my past before.

I’ll pray for your healing as well.
 
Sorry that you’ve had to endure this. It’s remarkable and praiseworthy that you’ve been able to mend your marriage as much as you have. It’s also quite remarkable that your husband was able to change; thanks be to God for that.

I think pensmama87 has given good advice. Printing out what you want to say, but may struggle to, is a good suggestion.
 
pensmama87 said:
I think these are exactly the things you should say to your counselor. Or even copy this and print it out if the words are hard to say (I’ve done that before.)

I have a feeling your counselor will ask about what treatment, if any, your husband has had, and may recommend additional treatments or couples counseling.

It’s hard to say these things, but it’s very important for healing to be open and honest with your therapist. God bless you and I’ll be praying for your healing.
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Right.

I wouldn’t expect to get over 15 years of anything bad very quickly, even given your husband’s admirable efforts.

Work with your counselor and be patient with yourself.

Best wishes!
 
After being so badly and persistently being abused for so long, you have taken the first steps. That’s just a beginning, it’s not surprising you can’t recover immediately. Please be gentle and patient with yourself.
God bless you.
 
Seeking counseling is the right thing to do! Thanks be to God that you’ve taken this step!
 
Praying for your physical, emotional, mental & spiritual healing.
 
jmjZelie said:
I am finally feeling brave enough to seek help with this. I have an appointment with my counselor next week and I hope that being honest here will help me to be brave enough to say some of these things out loud. Although I feel like I am going to be sick while typing this.

Here goes.

I don’t know how to heal from past sexual abuse. My husband sexually abused and mistreated me for almost 15 years, treating me like a wh*** to fulfill his desires and punishing me with rough treatment and causing injuries in intimate areas if I didn’t perform well enough. Upon our simultaneous conversion to the Faith, all the abuse stopped, but it was several more years before he was able to function in a normal sexual way with me (PE and impotence were constant frustrations). I now often have anxiety attacks trying to have relations.

Out of respect for him, I have never talked about this with anyone, even anonymously, until now. (Actually, I just remembered I did try once to ask advice anonymously but I chickened out and never returned to use that account again.) I have tried to work through it with him, and I have prayed for healing. But I am not moving on. I have chosen to forgive, but I am still waiting for healing, and I am feeling pretty broken up over all of this.

I have never denied my husband, even in the midst of all of the abuse. The most I ever did was to inform him of medical restriction after childbirth. Even while trying to heal from the damage when he punished me was a time when he was not willing to abstain. I kept getting reinjured. Now, with our circumstances being what they are, and us following Church teaching on sexual morality, he has had to learn sexual restraint and that has helped things because he is not expecting everyday relations anymore. However, I wonder, when will my heart heal? What can I do? Is there some way that I am preventing my own healing?
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You have started the healing process by making the appointment with the counselor and writing this post. It will be a series of very small steps, but you will get there and you will heal. Keep your appointment; you can get your life back and have a healthy marriage.
 
jmjZelie said:
I am finally feeling brave enough to seek help with this. I have an appointment with my counselor next week and I hope that being honest here will help me to be brave enough to say some of these things out loud. Although I feel like I am going to be sick while typing this.

Here goes.

I don’t know how to heal from past sexual abuse. My husband sexually abused and mistreated me for almost 15 years, treating me like a wh*** to fulfill his desires and punishing me with rough treatment and causing injuries in intimate areas if I didn’t perform well enough. Upon our simultaneous conversion to the Faith, all the abuse stopped, but it was several more years before he was able to function in a normal sexual way with me (PE and impotence were constant frustrations). I now often have anxiety attacks trying to have relations.

Out of respect for him, I have never talked about this with anyone, even anonymously, until now. (Actually, I just remembered I did try once to ask advice anonymously but I chickened out and never returned to use that account again.) I have tried to work through it with him, and I have prayed for healing. But I am not moving on. I have chosen to forgive, but I am still waiting for healing, and I am feeling pretty broken up over all of this.

I have never denied my husband, even in the midst of all of the abuse. The most I ever did was to inform him of medical restriction after childbirth. Even while trying to heal from the damage when he punished me was a time when he was not willing to abstain. I kept getting reinjured. Now, with our circumstances being what they are, and us following Church teaching on sexual morality, he has had to learn sexual restraint and that has helped things because he is not expecting everyday relations anymore. However, I wonder, when will my heart heal? What can I do? Is there some way that I am preventing my own healing?
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For what it’s worth, you are by far the strongest person I know. You have amazing courage and patience. I have no doubt that you will win this battle. You are in my heartfelt prayers.
 
. As a victim of abuse, I understand (though not exactly the same circumstances) how overwhelming the feelings of despair and how deep the emotional scars can be. My therapist and my priest were pivotal in my healing. I know God will guide you and protect you Hold tight to your Faith, and obviously your strength. You have done more than most by simply talking about the pain and trying to find a way to deal with it. . You are a brilliant light of hope for others and your are stronger than you can possibly imagine. God Bless you. You will be in my prayers for some time to come.
 
I have no advice, but want you to know you’re heard, and my prayers are with you for strength. My God be with you.
 
Zelie. I’m so glad you opened up to this. I’m so glad you’re that brave. To face this head on like you did is a truly powerful thing. It’s a really big first step. Because I think I’ve started to learn that pain kept inside is like keeping a razor inside you. It just keeps cutting and the wounds don’t heal properly. I mean getting things said that need to be said helps you get past those things. It helps you to start to move them outside yourself. It’s the first step in breaking them down. In taking away their power.

Because to get to healing we’ve first got to take out that part of ourselves that’s wounded. That’s still suffering this pain. And to do that we need to break it down into pieces. We need to talk them through. And resolve them bit by bit. It’s a long process. It takes a lot of time. But it’s like weathering a rock. With persistence and courage and faith it can wear down. It’s a sure thing.

I mean you know I put my pain to paper. I wrote out all the details. I made the words plain and open. I took an account and wrote it all. Getting it on the outside was the first step. Sharing it was the second. Reconciling each piece bit by bit was the third. And that’s a work in progress. You might want to think about going on some kind of retreat to work through some of the tougher parts. I don’t know. All I know is that you’re a very busy person. Full of caring for others. So it’s no wonder you’ve had so little time to care for yourself in this.

But that’s why I’m so very glad you’ve done this. And I’m very glad you’re started this. And that you’re taking this further on. I’m really proud of you Zelie. I really am. You’re a special person. I admire and respect you totally.

Peace Zelie. I want you to know that I will pray for this. That I’ll be thinking of you in this. That I’ll be here if you need me for anything. I really wish I could help more.

Your friend,

Trident
 
Buck_Crosswhite said:
You have to start by forgiving your husband.
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😦
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jmjZelie:
I have chosen to forgive, but I am still waiting for healing, and I am feeling pretty broken up over all of this.
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I have forgiven my husband. If someone breaks a favorite vase of mine, and they apologize and I forgive them because I love them and I choose not to withhold the forgiveness they need, does my forgiving them make the vase be put back together again, as if it was never broken? Of course not.
Thankfully, souls can heal when vases cannot, but, as I am coming to find out, it can take many years of very hard work and tons of grace to heal from some types of offenses.
 
Thinking of you Zelie. Hope you’re doing Ok. I don’t really know what else to say here. I just feel bad that I can’t help you more in this. 😦

Peace Zelie. If you need me just let me know.

-Trident
 
Trident_H said:
Thinking of you Zelie. Hope you’re doing Ok. I don’t really know what else to say here. I just feel bad that I can’t help you more in this. 😦

Peace Zelie. If you need me just let me know.

-Trident
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Thanks, Trident. 🙂

I am doing okay. I have been working through the forgiveness exercise that I found on the St. Maria Goretti relic tour website, making my choice to forgive a formal act. That has helped greatly. In the past, I didn’t understand that the pain takes a while to subside and healing for some things can take years. I had assumed that I was doing something wrong to block my healing, even though I know that I had chosen to forgive years ago. Now, working through the process again, formally, has brought greater peace and acceptance, and even a greater gratitude for our conversion (we converted together as a couple).

Thanks for checking in. I hope you are doing well, too. You remain in my thoughts and prayers.

Zelie
 
jmjZelie said:
Thanks, Trident. 🙂

I am doing okay. I have been working through the forgiveness exercise that I found on the St. Maria Goretti relic tour website, making my choice to forgive a formal act. That has helped greatly. In the past, I didn’t understand that the pain takes a while to subside and healing for some things can take years. I had assumed that I was doing something wrong to block my healing, even though I know that I had chosen to forgive years ago. Now, working through the process again, formally, has brought greater peace and acceptance, and even a greater gratitude for our conversion (we converted together as a couple).

Thanks for checking in. I hope you are doing well, too. You remain in my thoughts and prayers.

Zelie
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Thanks Zelie for the update. I’m glad to hear you’re taking charge of this. Forgiving’s such a powerful thing. I’m still working on that myself so you’re a bit ahead of me in that. I’m glad you’re doing it though. It sort of gives me a bit more of a push to be more active on that side too.

Thanks for the prayers Zelie! And of course you’re in mine too.

Peace Zelie. You inspire me. I hope you stay strong in this and see it through to where it needs to go.

-Trident
 
Buck_Crosswhite said:
You have to start by forgiving your husband.
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That was not loving thing to say. The OP has stated that she has chosen to forgive him. Not only did you fully pay attention to what she said, you offered no charity. not a nice thing to do
 
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