I don't know if I can stand this anymore - mi kids

[minkymurph]

So regarding my question - is this worth divorcing him over?

What I ultimately want is for him to get off my back. I think he has other issues apart from drinking. He is a heavy drinker, which may be exacerbating other issues.

I don’t think it’s his drinking that annoys me so much as the fact he is a control freak. I’ve been reading about it on the internet and by all accounts, like most things, you can’t help them if they don’t accept there is an issue. So, maybe it’s not so much a case of living with an alcoholic but a control freak.

 

[jesuspsr]

Praying for you and your family.

Al-Anon

 

[exoflare]

I too grew up with an alcoholic father. As a consequence I learned how to spot bullying and emotional blackmail a mile off, and not to buy into it.

If that were true, you wouldn’t be stuck in a situation like this in the first place.

 

[karbear]

Hi MinkyMurph,

I don’t know if posers here are really aware of the great differences in cultural attitude towards heavy drinking between the US and Ireland.

In my own family, praying a family rosary at dinner time worked miracles. We didn’t do it for that purpose, but many unexpected things happened, I believe, as a result. If nothing else, there is always a great sense of peace afterward, wich is likely to affect the family dynamic. Please consider talking to your kids about praying a rosary at the dinner table with you and placing your troubles at the foot of the cross through Mary. Place your cares in His hands. If your husband does not want to join in, pray it before he comes to the table.

 

[minkymurph]

If that were true, you wouldn’t be stuck in a situation like this in the first place.

Meaning?

 

[HolyRosaryChild]

Minky, I did not realise nor acknowledge the fact I had married a bully and a man with mysoginist traits (controlling traits) until 7 years into the 20 year marriage given that he exhibited these traits full on after we had married, shortly thereafter when our children had arrived. Insecurities left with him (laying dormant) as a result of an alcoholic environment with both of his parents ie humiliation and degradation suffered as a child at home and at school.

If you know (acknowledge) that your husband has ‘control issues’ praying and counselling ‘is a must’; counselling the solution to assist you in making the right decisions for both your children and self (now and not in another ten years time) when possible damage has been done to the children.

Having stated the above, I need to say that turning lights on and off is a common general trait in many adults paying the bills (a girlfriend of mine with her 6 children monitors the same thing along with her husband attempting to keep the bills down, particularly during the winter period).

In relation to your studying (I can recall you mentioning that your husband refused to pay your bursary and that you have missed out on this now? Is it possible for you to claim on tax (not sure which country you reside) for your studying ie on your books, your course, and so forth?

Alternatively, are you able to work a few hours x 3 evenings per week to pay for the bursary yourself? How old is your eldest son? Is your son sufficiently responsible in the home of an evening to ensure all is well while you spend two or three hours working out of the home?

If some changes are made to work around some of the major issues, your family may well be a great deal happier after Mum is happier!

My saving grace is always God who guided me through the years raising my children. Times were tough as they are for many families, however always tougher for people without any extended family. Do you have extended family nearby? I worked two weeks here, two weeks there, when the children were in primary school (wonderful being out of the home on breaks mixing with other people) and not listening to degradation. Ditto the same when the children were in Secondary School; I could not leave my kids with grandmother as she was an Alcoholic (not working) so I found alternative trustworthy and reliable childminders during their Primary School years.

Many people encouraged me to leave him however stayed married for 18 years and worked around the controlling behaviour. It can be done with minimal damage to our children, however it takes strength, commitment, follow through and loads of praying!!

 

[minkymurph]

Hi MinkyMurph,

I don’t know if posers here are really aware of the great differences in cultural attitude towards heavy drinking between the US and Ireland.

In my own family, praying a family rosary at dinner time worked miracles. We didn’t do it for that purpose, but many unexpected things happened, I believe, as a result. If nothing else, there is always a great sense of peace afterward, wich is likely to affect the family dynamic. Please consider talking to your kids about praying a rosary at the dinner table with you and placing your troubles at the foot of the cross through Mary. Place your cares in His hands. If your husband does not want to join in, pray it before he comes to the table.

I don’t think they are aware. There are great differences in cultural attitudes towards heavy drinking. Most people here who drink drink too much, and it’s not considered a big problem unless the drinker is violent.

However, the Rosary is a powerful prayer and you have just reminded me of that.

 

[minkymurph]

Minky, I did not realise nor acknowledge the fact I had married a bully and a man with mysoginist traits (controlling traits) until 7 years into the 20 year marriage given that he exhibited these traits full on after we had married, shortly thereafter when our children had arrived. Insecurities left with him (laying dormant) as a result of an alcoholic environment with both of his parents ie humiliation and degradation suffered as a child at home and at school.

My husband was not always like this. He became like this when I became ill. I had mental health problems. I had a lot of professional help and am well recovered now. This is another reason why I feel like I can’t just walk out. He didn’t leave me when I had problems and things were rough for him.

Having stated the above, I need to say that turning lights on and off is a common general trait in many adults paying the bills (a girlfriend of mine with her 6 children monitors the same thing along with her husband attempting to keep the bills down, particularly during the winter period).

It’s not the turning the lights off. It’s the getting so stressed about things like lights, things that he never got stressed about in the past.

In relation to your studying (I can recall you mentioning that your husband refused to pay your bursary and that you have missed out on this now? Is it possible for you to claim on tax (not sure which country you reside) for your studying ie on your books, your course, and so forth?

Apologies for the confusion. The bursary is paid to me by the University in order to help with purchasing books. The University won’t release the money to me because it is means tested, they need proof of your joint household income, and my husband has not given them proof of what he earns.

Alternatively, are you able to work a few hours x 3 evenings per week to pay for the bursary yourself? How old is your eldest son? Is your son sufficiently responsible in the home of an evening to ensure all is well while you spend two or three hours working out of the home?

My eldest son is 11. My younger son is 8 and autistic. I can leave them while I nip out to the shops or something, but if I left them to go to work and something happened I would be held responsible as it’s not recommended you leave children alone until they are 13 in the UK.

Many people encouraged me to leave him however stayed married for 18 years and worked around the controlling behaviour. It can be done with minimal damage to our children, however it takes strength, commitment, follow through and loads of praying!!

You can say that again! I don’t have any extended family. I do think its a problem that can be worked around - its how. That was why I started this thread.

Thank you for your support.

 

[hurting]

My husband was not always like this. He became like this when I became ill. I had mental health problems. I had a lot of professional help and am well recovered now. This is another reason why I feel like I can’t just walk out. He didn’t leave me when I had problems and things were rough for him.

• A lot to be said for this. It’s an important factor in both of your lives. Not only does he deserve the benefit of the doubt, you need to recognize that his support of you may have taken a toll on him.*

It’s not the turning the lights off. It’s the getting so stressed about things like lights, things that he never got stressed about in the past.

Apologies for the confusion. The bursary is paid to me by the University in order to help with purchasing books. The University won’t release the money to me because it is means tested, they need proof of your joint household income, and my husband has not given them proof of what he earns.

My eldest son is 11. My younger son is 8 and autistic. I can leave them while I nip out to the shops or something, but if I left them to go to work and something happened I would be held responsible as it’s not recommended you leave children alone until they are 13 in the UK.

You can say that again! I don’t have any extended family. I do think its a problem that can be worked around - its how. That was why I started this thread.

Thank you for your support.