I don't think I can do this

[TSB4]

TSB4, if your husband won’t go, you should go for counseling alone. It will help you to vent and they will be able to help you deal with your husband better.

The issue is, i don’t want to harm my children. I don’t want my boys mimicking his behavior. I feel like there is still hope to undo his actions. Am I totally wrong for wanting him to leave? I don’t mean on another vacation (like he needs another one)

 

[Irishmom2]

I must clarify that I meant if your husband won’t go to counseling with you, you should go by yourself.

 

[flufinonis]

By making your husband leave, you’re teaching your kids that if something doesn’t work, you dispose it, rather than if something doesn’t work, you fix it. And if you can’t fix it yourself, you ask for help.

 

[pianistclare]

The issue is, i don’t want to harm my children. I don’t want my boys mimicking his behavior. I feel like there is still hope to undo his actions. Am I totally wrong for wanting him to leave? I don’t mean on another vacation (like he needs another one)

I think it’s reasonable to have him get away and get some air. For you and the children as well. While away, he may consider what the children are seeing. That’s going to be the thing that convinces him to seek counseling. And I would insist on marriage therapy before he came back. I know the men here probably think this is not helpful, but we women who have been through stuff like this…it’s better than having a guy flip out on the children and harming someone.
Stand your ground. If he’s a good guy, he’ll turn around. If not, you’ll save your children a lot of wounds.
You candle still burning.
Peace.

 

[TSB4]

By making your husband leave, you’re teaching your kids that if something doesn’t work, you dispose it, rather than if something doesn’t work, you fix it. And if you can’t fix it yourself, you ask for help.

I cannot fix it by myself. He isn’t willing to try. Do i just sit back and take it??

 

[flufinonis]

Kids when don’t learn the “fix it” beahvior, for example, tend to drop out school and studies out of frustration, think that they can’t archieve things because by failing once, they fully give up instead of trying.
Kids learn best by what they see. If you fight to fix your marriage, they’ll learn through that, even if they aren’t informed of the process, what they’re seeing is that you aren’t kicking their father out and some years later bringing whatever man in. They can see that despite their parents being angry and fighting, they’re still waking up and having their daddy there. Don’t let them lose that.

 

[Xantippe]

TSB4 said:

“Am I totally wrong for wanting him to leave?”

It’s quite natural for you to feel like that. On the other hand, if he hasn’t always been like this, there’s hope that he will change. Also, is it harder or easier for you when he’s gone for a week? If it’s harder, maybe he is doing stuff to help that you don’t notice. If it’s easier, if everything goes more smoothly, the housework gets done better, and the kids are easier to deal with, well that’s very interesting.

Does your husband understand that the more love, attention, and energy you and he put into interacting with the kids, the more pleasant and manageable they will be? Conversely, the more he ignores them, the more annoying and demanding and disobedient they will be. If he only pays attention to them when they’re bad, they will get worse and worse.

I would suggest reading “Transforming the Difficult Child” and “Don’t Shoot the Dog” (they’re both books on positive reinforcement, with the former focusing on children).

 

[flufinonis]

I cannot fix it by myself. He isn’t willing to try. Do i just sit back and take it??

You can’t but God can. You’re about to start participating in a parish group. You’re not alone. Things are going to be okay. Just, don’t rush in your desitions. Have you tried praying these days?

 

[TSB4]

Kids when don’t learn the “fix it” beahvior, for example, tend to drop out school and studies out of frustration, think that they can’t archieve things because by failing once, they fully give up instead of trying.
Kids learn best by what they see. If you fight to fix your marriage, they’ll learn through that, even if they aren’t informed of the process, what they’re seeing is that you aren’t kicking their father out and some years later bringing whatever man in. They can see that despite their parents being angry and fighting, they’re still waking up and having their daddy there. Don’t let them lose that.

So, my kids are better off with both parents in the house no matter the circumstances.

 

[pianistclare]

So, my kids are better off with both parents in the house no matter the circumstances.

taking a break may be just what you both need. Doesn’t mean you’re automatically headed for divorce.
There needs to be some cooling off. Some time apart. Some reflection.
Some peace.
THEN…you can have rational, productive conversations. And if you still can’t…then that will be really telling…
Yes pray. Pray your heart out. Ask Our Lady to help you. Ask St. Joseph to intercede for your husband. Ask the guardian angels to watch over your children.
We’re praying too.
Peace.

 

[TSB4]

TSB4 said:

“Am I totally wrong for wanting him to leave?”

It’s quite natural for you to feel like that. On the other hand, if he hasn’t always been like this, there’s hope that he will change. Also, is it harder or easier for you when he’s gone for a week? If it’s harder, maybe he is doing stuff to help that you don’t notice. If it’s easier, if everything goes more smoothly, the housework gets done better, and the kids are easier to deal with, well that’s very interesting.

Does your husband understand that the more love, attention, and energy you and he put into interacting with the kids, the more pleasant and manageable they will be? Conversely, the more he ignores them, the more annoying and demanding and disobedient they will be. If he only pays attention to them when they’re bad, they will get worse and worse.

I would suggest reading “Transforming the Difficult Child” and “Don’t Shoot the Dog” (they’re both books on positive reinforcement, with the former focusing on children).

I tell him this all the time. It seems to go in one ear and out the other. Things are okay when he is gone, honestly. The only thing I need to work on is being okay alone with my anxiety.

 

[Xantippe]

If having him home makes you less anxious, that’s something.

By the way, what is your husband’s theory of child management? What does he think is going on at your house?

 

[TSB4]

If having him home makes you less anxious, that’s something.

By the way, what is your husband’s theory of child management? What does he think is going on at your house?

my husband seems to think our children are more self sufficient that they are. he doesn’t treat them age appropriately and barely watches them. His idea is that they shouldn’t do anything wrong while unsupervised. Constantly compares them to himself and how he was bought up.

 

[SpidersfromMars]

Kids when don’t learn the “fix it” beahvior, for example, tend to drop out school and studies out of frustration, think that they can’t archieve things because by failing once, they fully give up instead of trying.
Kids learn best by what they see. If you fight to fix your marriage, they’ll learn through that, even if they aren’t informed of the process, what they’re seeing is that you aren’t kicking their father out and some years later bringing whatever man in. They can see that despite their parents being angry and fighting, they’re still waking up and having their daddy there. Don’t let them lose that.

Maybe, but some studies have also shown that children often prefer their parents to be separated and happy than together and fighting constantly.

 

[oneplustwo]

As a man, these are my thoughts. Honestly, there isn’t much you can do, and what you can do is unlikely to cause any immediate, miracle changes.

But there are some things you can do…some directions that you can go in. But you will need perseverance.

First, you can stop calling his fits of rage “man tantrums”. It isn’t doing anything to help. To respect someone means honoring the integrity of his person: honoring his time, his space, his purposes. When you respect someone, you understand that they are not there for your own use, to be sent this way or that at your whim.

Secondly, don’t nag him. When women get really upset with their husbands they have a tendency to let it all out on them all the time. There is a place for honest discussion…but don’t nag. It won’t help.

Third, try not to get too emotional, even though it may be hard. Men often don’t know how to handle overly emotional women, because it becomes a barrier to communication. It will only increase the anxiety of you both.

As for him…if he has honest addictions, he needs professional help. As you said, he may not be willing to seek such help. There is not much you can do there. But maybe by discussing it with him you might be able to change his mind.

If he is physically abusive, you need to get yourself and your children away.

If he is not abusive but just generally being a curmudgeon, not taking care of his responsibilities, then maybe separating for a period of time might help but don’t be quick to go that route.

The problem has to be resolved: he can’t keep doing what he’s doing, and no you can’t just ignore it to let it keep going on. You have to do something about it. But only go to separation as a last resort. In the meantime, try to express to him as calmly and as simply as you can what your real, most important, needs are. Tell him that you need him to love you.

Your objective is to try to awaken in him the awareness of what his family needs from him. And, of course, always pray for him.

There’s no easy answer, and it is going to be hard. But, “for God all things are possible”.

 

[Xantippe]

TSB4 said:

“my husband seems to think our children are more self sufficient that they are. he doesn’t treat them age appropriately and barely watches them. His idea is that they shouldn’t do anything wrong while unsupervised.”

That’s very interesting. On the one hand, I think your two older kids are just on the verge of being able to be a real help to you if appropriately handled, but on the other hand, 4 and 2 is really small to be unsupervised. I think my kids were probably just a little older than your two oldest kids’ age when they really started to be able to make a contribution to our family.

“Constantly compares them to himself and how he was bought up.”

That is such a guy thing–thinking that mom was perfect, but having no idea at all of how mom made all the magic happen. The thing is, when you’re a little kid, you don’t really have the best seat in the house for figuring out what’s going on with your family. Little kids can be pretty self-centered and obtuse–I certainly was.

I guarantee you that your husband has no idea how he was brought up or what sort of kid he was.

 

[flufinonis]

So, my kids are better off with both parents in the house no matter the circumstances.

Your husband isn’t threatning your life or your kids’ which would be completely understandable to separate them.
And yes, there’s trustworthy scientific evidence that kids are better off with both parents, even if they fight or their love is dead and don’t have physical intimacy. I personally know two marriages where now their adult kids are really thankful their parents didn’t divorced and remain faithful despite the pain and fights. One of them decided to live in separate rooms, but still raised together the kids and all that. That’s the fix it mentallity. Know also other marriages that did divorced years ago and those kids still have pain in their hearts and a lot of troubles.
Because the kid’s state can’t be erased, divorced or not, those kids are sons and daughter, have a mother and a father and it’s you both and they need you both.

 

[flufinonis]

Maybe, but some studies have also shown that children often prefer their parents to be separated and happy than together and fighting constantly.

Yeah, and that confirms the disposal mentality. It’s just an idea, a preference, but does that is really beneficial to them?

Here’s a study about the outcomes of children in their adulthood. These are facts taken from a large random group, not just preferences or ideals or feelings.
familystructurestudies.com/outcomes/

 

[Et_Cetera]

TSB4,

I have just read a great deal of your thread, and first of all I want to commend you for continuing to push through the nightmare that must be your life right now. My heart breaks for you. I also know what it’s like to deal with anxiety and panic disorders, and they are really, really taxing.

I think you need to do what you feel is right for yourself. Adoption sounds like a great option for you and your kid. I’m sure there are a lot of wonderful people out there who would provide your child with a great life. You have so much on your plate right now. There is no shame is hitting a breaking point and saying, “You know what? Life is not enjoyable at all, and I deserve to be happy.” Because you do deserve to be happy. Anyone who judges you for trying to get out of this extremely unpleasant situation and marriage isn’t worth your time. No one else knows what you’re going through. It kind of reminds of when I had panic attacks about academics and everyone told me to just keep pushing through, when in reality I wanted to take a leave of absence and get healthier. I stayed, but I really think that I should have done what was best for myself. I should have probably taken that leave, but I was so concerned with appearances–afraid that I would be seen as weak. I know it’s hard to sometimes do what’s best for ourselves when society is always breathing down our backs.

Your husband sounds like he is causing you great misery, and you don’t have an obligation to stay around that kind of atmosphere. If you think you’ll be happier without him (and you probably will from what we know of his actions), then leave him. He’s had his chances. He doesn’t sound like a very involved parent. Too often women are blamed for wanting to get out of a bad marriage. Seriously, taking a vacation when you’re going through what sounds like a nervous breakdown and leaving you with four kids? That’s either the behavior of someone who is entirely oblivious or downright cold.

I see people on here consistently telling you to keep going through this, to keep working on the marriage and to keep the baby, but they don’t know your struggle. When anxiety disorders are added to these kinds of mixes, life can really seem unbearable. It sounds like you have already gone through so much more than you ever should have dealt with. Remember that you are not just a wife or a mother, you are your own person too. You, as your own autonomous figure, deserve happiness.

I wish you the best of luck. Sometimes you have to just step out of a bad situation.

 

[Et_Cetera]

Your husband isn’t threatning your life or your kids’ which would be completely understandable to separate them.
And yes, there’s trustworthy scientific evidence that kids are better off with both parents, even if they fight or their love is dead and don’t have physical intimacy. I personally know two marriages where now their adult kids are really thankful their parents didn’t divorced and remain faithful despite the pain and fights. One of them decided to live in separate rooms, but still raised together the kids and all that. That’s the fix it mentallity. Know also other marriages that did divorced years ago and those kids still have pain in their hearts and a lot of troubles.
Because the kid’s state can’t be erased, divorced or not, those kids are sons and daughter, have a mother and a father and it’s you both and they need you both.

You don’t know what’s better for the OP’s children than she does. Stop trying to guilt her into continuing with her miserable life. And your “studies” are highly questionable. There is a ton of evidence showing that being in an atmosphere of constant fighting and unhappiness takes a huge toll on children. These kinds of posts are getting really irksome because they show a lack of respect for the OP and her struggles. It’s so easy for you to type that she should stay together with her infuriating husband, but she’s the one who actually has to live her life.