I don't think I can do this

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oneplustwo said:
No, that is a logic error. First, there is no mention of an abusive marriage here. Secondly, one is not limited to remaining in an unhappy marriage in order to show love for God. There are much better ways to show love for God…for example, doing one’s duty, accepting one’s responsibilities, and loving one’s spouse.

I realize the OP is having significant difficulties. That has to be addressed. But the answer should not be for them to separate so quickly, especially for such light reasons as some on this thread are suggesting.

It seems to me that the OP is being tempted by some here to abandon responsibility and give into the quick and the easy. The situation is more complicated, and these temptations are not honoring that.
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I see what you’re saying. I was pretty sure I had misunderstood your previous post (I was certainly hoping that I had).

Like I said just above, it certainly would be best for her and the husband to work things out, if possible. But that may not be the case. Also I would question your assumption that ‘divorce is quick and easy’. Far from it, from what I’ve seen. So yes, all other options should be considered first, but if the OP feels she does not a divorce or period of separation, I don’t think she should have to feel guilty about that. Some people have been throwing up the word ‘selfish’ and I don’t think that’s fair at all.
 
Et_Cetera said:
Well, then we probably have differing opinions, but you played into and perpetuated a common stereotype of women as “nagging and overly emotional.” There are various spectrums by which we measure these (mostly) sociological terms. While one professor might agree with me, another might be on the other end of the spectrum and look more at things like overall tone. But I am sensitive to these issues, so that’s where my opinion would lie. Yes, there are some issues of semantics in this discussion now:
  1. You made a blanket statement about women. “They tend to nag.”
  2. The blanket statement was negative.
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I did not read what oneplustwo said as a blanket statement. I am a women, and actually I can relate to this in that yeah a lot of women do nag… gasp we do? really? Well yeah, we tend to do that, it is just how we are sometimes… I don’t nag often, but I do know that I am guilty of it at times 😊
 
oneplustwo said:
No, that is a logic error. First, there is no mention of an abusive marriage here. Secondly, one is not limited to remaining in an unhappy marriage in order to show love for God. There are much better ways to show love for God…for example, doing one’s duty, accepting one’s responsibilities, and loving one’s spouse.

I realize the OP is having significant difficulties. That has to be addressed. But the answer should not be for them to separate so quickly, especially for such light reasons as some on this thread are suggesting.

It seems to me that the OP is being tempted by some here to abandon responsibility and give into the quick and the easy. The situation is more complicated, and these temptations are not honoring that.
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Then I guess I have to ask what thread you’ve actually been reading?
 
From what I gather, it’s not as though the OP’s husband has had one bad week of behavior, in which case I would say, “Hey, don’t throw in the towel yet.”

I think this is an ongoing problem that is not likely to be resolved. He won’t even go to counseling with her.
 
Et_Cetera said:
Well, then we probably have differing opinions, but you played into and perpetuated a common stereotype of women as “nagging and overly emotional.” There are various spectrums by which we measure these (mostly) sociological terms. While one professor might agree with me, another might be on the other end of the spectrum and look more at things like overall tone. But I am sensitive to these issues, so that’s where my opinion would lie. Yes, there are some issues of semantics in this discussion now:
  1. You made a blanket statement about women. “They tend to nag.”
  2. The blanket statement was negative.
In many circles (possibly more academic) this would be considered as misogynistic. It doesn’t mean that you hate women or that you mistreat them. In your case, I think it’s likely that you’ve internalized many of these stereotypes from society as a whole, in which case the blame must also be put on society. And I do believe that society is very much to blame for perpetuating stereotypes, whether they be racial, gender specific, etc.

Really, I see quite a bit of misogyny in this thread as a whole. This woman’s autonomy seems to be consistently undermined and downplayed, as she is time and again told that she should put more effort into making the marriage work and in raising this unwanted child. I believe that this overall tone is largely a product of a society that still views women as subjugate and feels it easier to blame them for family mishaps. I do take issue with the people in this thread who seem to feel that she should remain trapped in an unhappy life when there are options for her happiness. She has tried to make things work; she is strong person who has struggled for far too long. As compassionate beings, we should encourage her to find a route that will lead to her happiness and to removing bitter, negative people (the husband in this case) from her life.
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My friend,

If you are referring to this:

“When women get really upset with their husbands they have a tendency to let it all out on them all the time…”

and saying this was a misogynistic statement, then I think you are judging me unjustly.

First, it was not a blanket statement, for the following is a condition:

“When women get really upset with their husbands”

that limits the segment of people involved to married women who are upset with their husbands.

Secondly, if the statement was negative, it’s because it was an observation of a negative reality. Are you suggesting that you haven’t observed a tendency for upset women to nag their husbands…?

My friend, you are greatly misled. You talk about the OP and her autonomy. You talk about this “unwanted” child. You talk about a society that views women as “subjugate”. You ignore something huge: childbirth is real; sexual reproduction is real; marriage is real. These things cannot be, and should not be, wished away because they can be hard.
 
TSB4 said:
I cannot fix it by myself. He isn’t willing to try. Do i just sit back and take it??
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No you don’t have to just sit back and take it. Counseling will show you how to deal with him and your situation. I hope you can find a good, maybe Catholic, counselor to go to in your area.

exceptionalmarriages.com/about-us/

"The Pastoral Solutions Institute was founded in 1999 as an organization dedicated to providing the resources religiously-committed Catholics need to live more faithful and abundant marriage, family, and personal lives. Since that time, The Pastoral Solutions Institute has become nationally-recognized for its leadership in integrating cutting-edge counseling psychology with solid Catholic theological principles.

The Pastoral Solutions Institute offers a wide variety of resources and professional services intended to help committed Catholics overcome problems like marital conflict, childrearing problems, depression, anxiety, stress, and the difficulties associated with major life transitions."

Here is more----maybe some in your area.

google.com/search?q=catholic+counselors+association&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8&aq=t&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&client=firefox-a&channel=sb
 
SpidersfromMars said:
Again we see this notion that physical abuse is the only kind that ‘counts’.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m hoping that the OP’s husband comes around and they work things out. That would be the best thing for the family. However, if this doesn’t happen, she shouldn’t feel obligated to stay in a bad situation.
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I do know what you mean, and it isn’t the only thing that counts, but if someone is in physical abuse situation that is a significant reason to leave. Of course this is her judgment call, she is the one dealing with it and I am sad that she is, and it is possible that it may be best to be separate for a time, see how that works, and with prayerful judgment potentially dissolve the marriage… although for her sake I would hope that her husband would change. She does care for him,and wants to be loved, but if he is unwilling to change, then she will have to make some sort of decision, she is for certain in my prayers.
 
TSB4, I am praying for you and for your family, including your unborn child.

DGB
 
Please, stop arguing here about your philosophies. It isn’t helping to argue here back and forth. Maybe someone can start a thread where you can debate whether staying together or separating is better for children. But not here, this woman has enough going on. The only thing the OP needs to hear repeated over and over is that you will pray for her and her family.
 
oneplustwo said:
You talk about this “unwanted” child. You talk about a society that views women as “subjugate”. You ignore something huge: childbirth is real; sexual reproduction is real; marriage is real. These things cannot be, and should not be, wished away because they can be hard.
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A very real child was scheduled to be killed because the yahoo father isn’t willing to actually be a father and the mother has reached her wits end. I’m sorry, but when you start considering killing your unborn children because you can’t deal with your kids and their father simultaneously I think it’s time to leave.

Honestly, if it were me, I would have packed his stuff, taken it to his mother’s house, and had the locks changed when he left for Miami.

TSB4, I am thinking of you and praying for you, too.
 
Please visit our post at Prayer Intentions, and add a prayer for our sister Mrs, TSB4. That is the best way that we can help her.
 
Et_Cetera said:
From what I gather, it’s not as though the OP’s husband has had one bad week of behavior, in which case I would say, “Hey, don’t throw in the towel yet.”

I think this is an ongoing problem that is not likely to be resolved. He won’t even go to counseling with her.
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No, this isn’t new behavior. I have put up with more than I should have from him, even before we even got married. I take full responsibility for that. However, I assumed he would grow up, like I have. But he hasn’t. There isn’t physical abuse going on. (Although there has been physical altercations in the past.) but his unwillingness to work this out with me, is making me want to just throw in the towel. I’ve spent the last 10 years trying to understand him and make it work. I do love him very much. But I love my children more. I do not want them to grow up hating me because I chose to keep them around an absent, raging father.
 
We never got to talk last night, I fell asleep. I saw him this morning before I left to go help my mom, he wants to go out tonight. I honestly don’t want to go anywhere with him. He always does this, acts out, and then acts like nothing ever happened. I can’t play this game with him any longer.
 
Does he normally ask you to go out?

If not, I would go and use the opportunity to have a break, or even to possibly start a dialogue.
 
Irishmom2 said:
Does he normally ask you to go out?

If not, I would go and use the opportunity to have a break, or even to possibly start a dialogue.
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Sometimes. But he wants to go to the casino. I’m guessing for pictures for this online marketing business. I feel like a prop in his life, like nothing is genuine. It’s never about where I want to go. Even when we do go out, he’s paying more attention to his darn phone than me.
 
TSB4 said:
No, this isn’t new behavior. I have put up with more than I should have from him, even before we even got married. I take full responsibility for that. However, I assumed he would grow up, like I have. But he hasn’t. There isn’t physical abuse going on. (Although there has been physical altercations in the past.) but his unwillingness to work this out with me, is making me want to just throw in the towel. I’ve spent the last 10 years trying to understand him and make it work. I do love him very much. But I love my children more. I do not want them to grow up hating me because I chose to keep them around an absent, raging father.
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Okay, so you put up with it in the past, and you take responsibility for it. That’s good that you recognize it, but now you don’t have to keep allowing it. Tell him you are not going to tolerate this any longer even though you have in the past.

Starting today, things can be different. We teach people how we want to be treated.
 
Irishmom2 said:
Okay, so you put up with it in the past, and you take responsibility for it. That’s good that you recognize it, but now you don’t have to keep allowing it. Tell him you are not going to tolerate this any longer even though you have in the past.

Starting today, things can be different. We teach people how we want to be treated.
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Thing is, I’ve said I wanted a divorce before and never followed through with it. Now, if I say it he doesn’t believe me.
 
TSB4 said:
Sometimes. But he wants to go to the casino. I’m guessing for pictures for this online marketing business. I feel like a prop in his life, like nothing is genuine. It’s never about where I want to go. Even when we do go out, he’s paying more attention to his darn phone than me.
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Tell him you will only go if you get to decide where you are going this time. And tell him if he picks up that phone, you are going home. Bring your set of keys with you, and if he picks up the phone, get up and leave.
 
Marysann said:
Please visit our post at Prayer Intentions, and add a prayer for our sister Mrs, TSB4. That is the best way that we can help her.
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Amen. Two pages of prayer intentions and counting so far.

DGB
 
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