I Don't Want Any Friends

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Scout

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I’ve been thinking about this topic a lot lately, and I’m wondering if there’s something wrong with me.

The fact is, I don’t have any friends, outside of my husband, and I don’t have any desire to have any. To be perfectly honest, I find most women to be caddy, self-obsorbed, overly-opinionated, and superficial. Now, please understand me, I know not all women are like this. It just seems that most of the women I come in contact with are this way. Or, if they’re not, they’re so insecure that you can’t say two words to them about themselves without them getting defensive.

To be honest, I prefer the company of men. I find them much more honest and direct, and they’re not always trying to “play games” with people or widdle compliments out of each other. Unfortunately, I also do not find it appropriate for a married woman to have a deep friendship with a man, outside of her husband, of course.

So, it’s just me and my husband and I’m happy with that. Please understand, I know this is going to come off as being extremely arrogant and condescending to other women, and I’m not meaning for it to sound that way. It’s just the way that I feel.

I guess I’m wondering if this attitude is something I should be conscerned abut. It’s not that I can’t make friends, it’s that I don’t want any.

Just looking for some thoughts.
Thanks.

Scout :tiphat:
 
To have friends you need to be a friend, and if you’re not ready for that (because yes, it’s a lot of effort) then I’m sure it’s fine.

I have three very good friends; apart from that, I’m nice to everyone I meet, but I don’t go out of my way for them, usually - other than my students, and I only do that in my role as “teacher” - I don’t see myself as their “friend,” as such.
 
jmcrae said:
To have friends you need to be a friend, and if you’re not ready for that (because yes, it’s a lot of effort) then I’m sure it’s fine.
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Yes, it does take a lot of effort. It’s funny that you say that because when I think of someone being a friend of mine, I don’t really see it as a friendship. I just see it as someone sucking the life out of me. Thinking about it makes me feel like I’m suffocating.

Scout :tiphat:
 
Scout said:
Thinking about it makes me feel like I’m suffocating.
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Well, then, I think you know the right answer - having friends is supposed to be fun - if it’s not fun, then why bother?

I also know people who suck the life out of me if I’m around them too much - and I tend to avoid them. I’m not interested in that kind of relationship with anyone.

I didn’t know you were allowed to throw people like that out of your life, until a priest told me one time that he just walks away from anyone who says negative things to him in the context of a social gathering. That’s the first time I realized that you don’t actually have to stand there and listen to people who are wasting your time.
 
I’m a lot like you, Scout. I prefer the company of men, too, if they are talking about real topics not sports and that sort of thing. I find I can’t really talk to women (except for a few rare exceptions) about anything of real importance because it always descends into discussions about health and children. It’s taken me years to be able to fit into a group of women, and even after working very hard at trying to look interested in all the small doings of their children and grandchildren, I’m still happiest left on my own or just with my husband.

There’s no law that says women must love the company of other women. Not all of us are built the same way, as the expression goes. If you are happiest just with your husband, then do that. But, if you get involved with a group of women at your parish or some other such thing, as a service group, then be prepared to be drained by it. At least you’ll have something to offer up in the way of small sufferings, yes? 😉
 
If every woman you meet (and hardly know) seems to be a particular way, I suppose it is possible that what you see them having in common may be the result of your own imagination.

What it is that you often like in others may well be a reflection of what you like about yourself. It is hard to understand much of anything without already having some experience. And it takes understanding to have appreciation.

Likewise, what it is that you dislike in others may be a reflection of somebody you know – perhaps your mother or perhaps the person you see in the mirror.

In reality I think people are much more diverse than they may outwardly seem. Most things are. No two snowflakes are alike, although looking out the window the snow looks like snow. Everyone has had a different experience growing up. Everyone has different likes and dislikes.

If family commitments and if your station in life permits, I think you should consider your interests and join a small womens group – especially if it is a group that works towards meeting the needs of others. Perhaps St. Vincent de Paul. Perhaps AAUW or something else.

And if the above doesn’t make any sense, maybe you live in a small town where I might agree with your observation.
 
jmm08 said:
And if the above doesn’t make any sense, maybe you live in a small town where I might agree with your observation.
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Actually, I live in a town of about 400 people, that occupies exactly one square mile. However, my children go to school in a much larger town about twenty-five minutes from here, so I understand what you are saying. I’ll consider your advice.

Scout :tiphat:
 
I don’t have a lot of friends either. I primarily have two best friends which I’ve kept since college, and other than them then I typically only do things with co-workers or classmates (since I’m in grad school)…but rarely to long, serious friendships develop out of this. It mostly gives me a reason to go out to lunch or dinner occassionally. For the most part, between work and grad school in the evenings, and taking care of family, I don’t have a lot of time to devote right now to spending incredible amounts of time keeping other people satisfied and/or entertained. Sometimes I wish I had more friends, but when I sit and think of all the energy required to keep those friends happy…I’d rather not.
 
You sound a bit like my mother. Other than her sister, I don’t know that she had a female “friend” in the world. But she was one of the most friendly and charitable women who ever walked the earth. She was completely devoted to her family; was intellectually very active, and just plain didn’t “run around” with other women. It seemed a huge waste of time for her, and it probably would have been, as she had six children and also ran a farm (my father worked in town). Later, she also taught school, then operated a business. Shortly before she died, (she knew she was going to) she talked to our parish priest a great deal. At her funeral, the priest, who was not in any way given to overstatement and didn’t give eulogies at all, said (it was uncharacteristic of him to say anything personal about a deceased person) “she was holy in ways she did not expect were holy”.

So, I’m no expert on such things. But I don’t know that socializing with a bunch of women (or men) is in any way necessary to our spiritual lives which, after all, ARE our lives.
 
Scout said:
Actually, I live in a town of about 400 people, that occupies exactly one square mile.
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Not every woman wants to join Eulalie Mackechnie Shinn and her ladies dance committee nor does every woman get graced with a personal invitation to the usual and exclusive ladies only garden club…nor does every woman want an invitation.
Everyone else on this thread has given some pretty sound thoughts.
I don’t think it is that you don’t want to make friends as much as you probably are just plain old content with your DH…and that in itself is not unusual…he is enough for you 🙂 Bless you both.
 
In general, I agree with you… although I don’t prefer the company of men, mainly because I’m very outgoing and the men tend to think I am flirting with them when actually I’m just friendly… so I have to avoid that.

I have a few good friends I really like and I’m happy with that. I just have no time or desire for more friends. I wouldn’t worry about it… there’s nothing wrong with you at all. 🙂
 
I have two very close and dear friends that I’ve had since I was twelve. We have stayed friends so long probably because we are like minded and have similar values. Since adulthood I have developed three friendships that I really found satisfying with women. Many are just too different in values or personality to develope close friendships with.

If you are happy then don’t feel guilty about not having friendships with women but I wouldn’t shut the possibilty of friendship out. You may come across a like minded woman yet. Although my hubby truly is my best friend, my friends have been a fantasic support system especially during times of crisis.
 
Interesting thoughts in this thread! I’m in the “no friends” group, too, by choice. I find I get on better with guys, too (including the sports & car talk!)…so I don’t mind DH having the guys over to watch a game, etc. And I love kids, so it’s no big deal to have the basketball team over for spaghetti, or DS & the neighborhood kids lounging around talking Pokemon after homework is done.

There’s just something about the “typical” women’s gatherings that…well, it gives me hives! The military wives have a lot of get-togethers while our guys are underway on patrols, and I suspect I perplex them. But I’m much happier at home working on the bazillion projects on our list, or playing hoop with DS, or enjoying the occasional peace & quiet. I always feel like I’ve wasted a huge chunk of time whenever I get dragged along to those (countless!) candle parties, lunches, shopping trips,etc. If there’s a purpose, like someone’s sick & needs help at their house, etc, then I’m usually one of the first ones there…but I do whatever it is needing doing, then ride off into the sunset without loitering. Otherwise I wonder “what’s the point??”

My mom is exactly like me, happiest at home (she’s alone) & knitting hats for charities. On the other hand, my 2 sisters (identical twins) are complete social butterflies…hm…

Another happy (SAHM) homebody here!
 
My apologies …but this op sounds sad to me…almost condescending.

I enjoy people…women and men…they all have different personalities and some I have more in common with than others
remember there are differences between friends, best friends and pleasant acquaintances…socialize with whom you want but remember kindness goes a long way…
 
Scout said:
I guess I’m wondering if this attitude is something I should be conscerned abut. It’s not that I can’t make friends, it’s that I don’t want any.
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Friends take a lot of work. If you don’t have the kind of time needed, I wouldn’t worry. If you have a lot of difficulty in a variety of public situations, then I’d consider the situation. Also, you can find women to be light friends with, where you don’t have to be calling them every week or anything. It is possible. I have a friend that I talk to infrequently, but we can talk about the important things when we do talk.

Also, I think with some people you have to understand how to get past their facade. I don’t mean a bad facade, just an autopilot sort of social set of habits and ways of talking that they have learned are useful. They just aren’t useful with YOU, but they likely won’t realize that immediately.
 
Friend is a very special word.

Too often it is used liberally to describe just about anyone who imposes themselves upon us. I have had people in my life say that I am their best friend when I don’t see them that way. I have had people who put themselves under the title of friend only to find that they were not a friend at all.

Friend is someone who is for you, not against you. Friend is someone who respects you even if they do not agree with you nor understand you, nor accept everything about you and still desires to be your friend.

I used to have lots and lots of friends, but in this last year those who I thought were friends have proved not to be and now I am in a position where I have less friends, but true ones. I have a greater number of acquaintances now and this is more appropriate.

People may have alot friends, but I assure you it can be equally lonely in a crowd.

I think in this society there is a great emphasis to have lots of friends and tolerate everything they may say and do, this is not what Jesus teaches us about friendship. Jesus had a close bunch of friends and He did not invite everyone into this close circle.

I think friendship is important so I would always advise people to make friends with one or two people and over time deepen that friendship.

You know that alot of the time women can be overly concerned about clothes, fashion, money, possessions, relationships etc but no-one really likes this kind of materialistic attitude, but because society is set up this way they feel they have to be this way to make friends, be liked and get on in the world. Most people are waiting for someone to say to them…‘I hate all that kind of thing’, then their defences drop and you get to know the real person, not the person they feel they have to project to others and constantly protect.

Say a prayer to Jesus and go along to some place you are very interested in, say you like animals, go help out at a shelter one day a week and talk to the women there, during a conversation about materialistic things (you won’t have to wait long for one such chat to take place!) say you can’t be bothered with all that business and say whatever comes into your head about it, I can guarantee someone’s eyes will light up at your words and you will find someone who has longed to meet someone just like you and be friends with them. This will happen because everyone longs to be loved for the person they are not for their looks, their possessions etc. If people feel they do not have to impress you, they will open up to you in a way that you have never thought possible before without all that silliness you describe in your original post.

But you do not have to allow people into your close social circle if you don’t feel it is right. Stay selective, St Paul advises this, to keep good company and soon or later you’ll find a lady who will be a good friend to you and you to her.

In my prayers
 
Good topic, Scout!!!

I’m with you. I’ve always been more comfortable with men than women. I’m not into male things like sports, hunting, cars, fishing, etc. What I do enjoy that I’ve never found with females is straight -forward - honest discussion. And you know, I’ve found over the years that I’m happier that way.

I remember that my mother did not have any friends, male or female. Her niece once told her that for years she (the niece) didn’t like my mother because she “never said a negative thing about anyone” - I guess this made the niece too uncomfortable not being able to gossip about anyone.

Anyway - don’t worry about it Scout. You’re normal :D. Enjoy life:thumbsup: !
 
aimee said:
My apologies …but this op sounds sad to me…almost condescending.

I enjoy people…women and men…they all have different personalities and some I have more in common with than others
remember there are differences between friends, best friends and pleasant acquaintances…socialize with whom you want but remember kindness goes a long way…
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Well, as I stated in the op, I knew it was going to sound condescending, but I didn’t mean for it to. That was not my intent. I’m actually not sad about it at all. And I don’t think I’ve said anything unkind. However, I am sorry that you took it that way.

Scout :tiphat:
 
Wow, I didn’t realize this was going to be such an interesting discussion. It seems that there are other women here on the forum that feel similar to how I feel about friendships and such. I feel much better now because I thought that maybe I was the only person who felt more comfortable just being with my husband and not wanting friends. I was thinking there was something wrong with me. I guess I’m pretty normal. I should just be happy with who I am, at least in this area of my life.

Scout :tiphat:
 
I, too, am sad for the OP and others as isolated as her. There is nothing that can replicate or replace the time spent with good friends. There is nothing more gratifying than being able to support friends in need or graciously accepting the same help in your own times of joy, sorrow, celebration or loss. I am so sorry you have never known this and I would be concerned that you are modeling a very limited lifestyle to your kids. God created us to be social beings and what would ever happen to you if you found yourself without your husband?

I suppose part of the problem could be living in such a tiny community. If the few women there are toxic–perhaps you are better to steer clear. But you did mention that your kids attend school in a larger commmunity close by. What about joining a class, voluntering your time with charitable organization or finding a bible study/faith sharing group that appeals to you in hopes of meeting like-minded folks with whom you can socialize–with or without your husband? It seems you are hiding from the world. Perhaps you should consider offering up the anxiety of moving out of your comfort zone and making yourself more emotionally available to people. God graces us and enriches our lives through our friends and service to others. He uses our relationships to teach humility, compassion, self-sacrifice as well as to bring us joy and contentment here on earth. Don’t take a pass on these amazing gifts.
 
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