I don't want sex

[mommamaree]

I think your husband needs to make your comfort and happiness during lovemaking his number one priority for the foreseeable future. It is not normal for women to climax so rarely. It is very common for a woman to need patient and loving attention to increasing her arousal before penetrative acts, in order to make it comfortable and pleasurable. If it is not pleasurable or comfortable, then he is proceeding TOO FAST. Pain is our bodies’ way of saying STOP, or at the very least slow down and be more gentle.
My advice is to request your husband to read Catholic literature on female sexuality. Catholic Answers has some great titles you can purchase, knowing you will not be exposed to anything sinful. Catholic Education Resource Center is another great, totally online, resource. Then, it might be good for him to stop initiating for a while. Instead, take the time for him to be affectionate, to learn what touches arouse and what stifles desire. He can practice his loving touches, and if he is able to bring about true arousal for you, THEN proceeding to actual intercourse is possible.
This problem might be that he is not having any reason to practice his skills in pleasing you. If he is always satisfied, and you are afraid to demand what your body needs (time, touches, kisses, attention) because he will just tense up and try too hard, as you say, then what point is there for him to stop and think? Could his tensing up and trying too hard be less about his desire to please you and more about his desire to prove something to himself and to you and to move onto his pleasure? Sexuality is complicated and ego is often a hidden factor.
You may need to use your hands to show him, rather than just tell him, too. He may struggle to understand what you need, so if you can show him, either by demonstrating and by placing your hands over his and guiding him. This would be charitable for you to help him in the case of him sincerely desiring to please you but not being able to understand how your body works. Also, try closing your eyes to concentrate your senses on what he is doing to please you. Eye contact is wonderful, but it can actually hamper progress in arousal, because visual stimulus can distracting. Maybe also have a fan blowing air in the room for the white noise to help keep your ears from distracting you with every little sound. Also, cover of darkness might help you to relax, as well as a light sheet or blanket that you two can drape over you strategically to help you not get too cold or feel too exposed all at once. Also, a warm, scented bath or shower just prior to going to bed can be relaxing and helpful for a woman to feel her most beautiful, and therefore more sensual.

Those are just my thoughts, arising from and affected by my personal experiences. I have not dealt with precisely the same problems as you, but have had some similar issues related to sexual dysfunction and aversion and feeling used. I hope what I have shared as ideas or advice have helped and if it is not applicable, then I apologize. Good luck to you. Sexual intimacy is meant to be mutually fulfilling. I hope you and your husband can get things figured out.

 

[FrenzyJen]

A lot of posters are saying this isn’t normal, but by the amount of posts I have seen very similar to this one, I’d wager it is.

 

[mommamaree]

A lot of posters are saying this isn’t normal, but by the amount of posts I have seen very similar to this one, I’d wager it is.

It is common problem, but not something that must just be accepted as normal and unavoidable. In other words, sexual dysfunction is something that happens often for one reason or another, and it usually signals an underlying problem that should be addressed, hence the assertion that it is not normal. Many marriages encounter and overcome sexual dysfunction, and just because a couple is currently struggling, that is thankfully no reason for despair. Things can improve, and greatly.

 

[Giggly_Giraffe]

What I learned from NFP class was the observations that were not said. For example, a woman will climax greater when she is fertile than when she is not fertile (sometimes orgasams are impossible when not fertile). That gross mucious that helps achieve implantation makes the friction of sex go deeper and allows more enjoyment for both.

Further, I saw a TV show that used identical twins. One was fertile and the other was not (on BCP) … Then the two twins were serving men. When asked about attraction, men overwhelmingly were attracted to the fertile female. Well, this tells me the slimmy stuff attracts men (smell???). Then I ask myself, why do men care so much if they gave a intense orgasm … To which I conclude, their virility is tied to life … A good sexual experience for the woman is an indicator of the likely hood of conceiving a baby.

A question many woman need to be more honest about is, “How often do we fake climax?” Is faking climax a sin we need to confess? Since my husband also knows NFP, he has accepted that not every martial experience we have will produce the same level of clmax … So I can say, " it’s just not going to happen this time " and he usually try’s to be more cuddly afterward.

[Tangent mystery solved withNFP and menstral cycles: you’ve probably experienced it’s when females menstral cycles sync up. Well, I believe this promotes fidelity. See, if men are mainly attracted to women ovulating, he a is less likely to stray if all females are fertile and infertile at the same time]

Now, we can use man made materials like lubricant to stimulate the same experience of having marital love during fertile times … But it must be said that there is a spermicide in many of the lubricants.

 

[EasterJoy]

A lot of posters are saying this isn’t normal, but by the amount of posts I have seen very similar to this one, I’d wager it is.

Prevalent, typical and normal aren’t the same thing. For instance, the flu is prevalent, but it is not normal. It is unhealthy. A vitamin D deficiency is typical, but it isn’t healthy, either. People can have it for years and years, but it is unhealthy even if you’re used to it and all your neighbors have the exact same problem. To just “let sleeping dogs lie” with regards to this particular discontent is not a good idea. Get that dog to the vet and figure out if there is something wrong with him.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

You say that you tell him what you want and he freezes up. Is he just young and inexperienced, or is he a selfish lover?

I cannot climax from intercourse alone. However, my husband has always been very loving, patient, and generous with me, and over the years we have learned how to ensure that I climax every time. It takes a little patience, but that’s what marriage is all about. Try talking with him, and then just dive in. Start trying different touches, positions, moves, etc. Find out what you like and what doesn’t.

Also, do you work out? You say that you don’t feel like you want sex or are into it. It’s been my experience that overall sex drive improves with just a healthier diet and some physical activity. It will improve your circulation and bloodflow, and that includes to your most sensitive parts. Besides, you’ll have more energy overall and maybe even feel better about yourself physically. Never underestimate how much those things can improve your drive.

 

[EasterJoy]

You say that you tell him what you want and he freezes up. Is he just young and inexperienced, or is he a selfish lover?

I cannot climax from intercourse alone. However, my husband has always been very loving, patient, and generous with me, and over the years we have learned how to ensure that I climax every time. It takes a little patience, but that’s what marriage is all about. Try talking with him, and then just dive in. Start trying different touches, positions, moves, etc. Find out what you like and what doesn’t.

Also, do you work out? You say that you don’t feel like you want sex or are into it. It’s been my experience that overall sex drive improves with just a healthier diet and some physical activity. It will improve your circulation and bloodflow, and that includes to your most sensitive parts. Besides, you’ll have more energy overall and maybe even feel better about yourself physically. Never underestimate how much those things can improve your drive.

Other issues can diminish sex drive and sexual enjoyment, and then those subpar sexual experiences can sour the heart on sex, when the sex wasn’t actually the central problem or when the sexual problems could have been addressed. You are very right about that!

 

[Joie_de_Vivre]

What I learned from NFP class was the observations that were not said. For example, a woman will climax greater when she is fertile than when she is not fertile (sometimes orgasams are impossible when not fertile). That gross mucious that helps achieve implantation makes the friction of sex go deeper and allows more enjoyment for both.

Further, I saw a TV show that used identical twins. One was fertile and the other was not (on BCP) … Then the two twins were serving men. When asked about attraction, men overwhelmingly were attracted to the fertile female. Well, this tells me the slimmy stuff attracts men (smell???). Then I ask myself, why do men care so much if they gave a intense orgasm … To which I conclude, their virility is tied to life … A good sexual experience for the woman is an indicator of the likely hood of conceiving a baby.

A question many woman need to be more honest about is, “How often do we fake climax?” Is faking climax a sin we need to confess? Since my husband also knows NFP, he has accepted that not every martial experience we have will produce the same level of clmax … So I can say, " it’s just not going to happen this time " and he usually try’s to be more cuddly afterward.

[Tangent mystery solved withNFP and menstral cycles: you’ve probably experienced it’s when females menstral cycles sync up. Well, I believe this promotes fidelity. See, if men are mainly attracted to women ovulating, he a is less likely to stray if all females are fertile and infertile at the same time]

Now, we can use man made materials like lubricant to stimulate the same experience of having marital love during fertile times … But it must be said that there is a spermicide in many of the lubricants.

Correlation≠causation
It’s more of a case that when women are fertile they smell different which men subconscious pick up on, the mucous change is also affected by the fertility cycle.

Men care so much about female orgasm because otherwise it can make them feel impotent.

 

[mommamaree]

Correlation≠causation
It’s more of a case that when women are fertile they smell different which men subconscious pick up on, the mucous change is also affected by the fertility cycle.

Men care so much about female orgasm because otherwise it can make them feel impotent.

I agree that is one reason why men care, but I daresay that is not the only reason. Other reasons include love for their wives, consideration for their satisfaction/fulfillment, and because the climax of the woman increases the pleasure of the man. There may be many more reasons, too, of which I am not aware.

 

[LongingSoul]

Originally Posted by BlueEyedLady
You say that you tell him what you want and he freezes up. Is he just young and inexperienced, or is he a selfish lover?

I very much put a lot of weight on this perspective also. The default position of love oriented married sex, is the mutual orgasm of intercourse… either similtaneously or the woman going a bit ahead during the intercourse process. Of course that isn’t always how it goes, but that seems like the progression as nature intended. That is the ideal that all efforts should aim for.

If that natural default seems elusive for a couple, then other things should be examined like general health, sleep patterns and unresolved issues elsewhere in the relationship.

I remember when my son was suffering deep depression he seemed to feel that the depressive state was his natural default and that his life would consist of putting in great effort medically and psychologically, to rise above that to happiness. It made a big difference to him to understand that that isn’t true of the human default position. We are innately hopefilled and optimistic creatures and conditions like despair and depression are the result of something having a depressing or suppressing effect on that natural state. Having a good diet and plently of sleep and exercise (and counselling regarding emotional issues) pre disposes us to the natural equilibrium.

As a man and a woman who have chosen each other for a life of conjugal unity it should really be high priority to practice and perfect and attend to achieving a really happy and satisfying routine that allows for the necessary abstinences of Catholic family planning, and the uniqueness of each persons needs and libidos, in aiming for that mutually ecstatic moment.

 

[aTraditionalist]

Joie de Vivre:

Quote:

Originally Posted by Maine52

In a nutshell, I have little to no desire for sex for the following reasons:

1.) I do not climax most of the time.

2.) It is usually uncomfortable for me. Not painful per se, just not comfortable. Not comfortable and, as I mentioned before, not pleasurable.

3.) I know my husband is not taking advantage of me, but when he is getting the “full experience” and I am not, well, it’s just not a great feeling.

I know sex is part of marriage, and so I am willing to do it to make my husband happy. However, I am happy for the times of abstinence during NFP. My “fertile window” is up in a few days, meaning we will have to have sex, and I’m already getting worried about it.

My husband and I have talked about this and he says it’s normal for women to not climax, so I shouldn’t worry too much about it. He tries hard to pleasure me, but it doesn’t work.

I’m hurting. Please help.

Most men don’t know what makes women climax; it is the clitoris that is the primary source of orgasm in women.

This is a bold statement.

Try having a few drinks to loosen up and and spend some time together prior to the act. Have some fun with it and don’t over think it.

Posted from Catholic.com App for Android

 

[Giggly_Giraffe]

Correlation≠causation
It’s more of a case that when women are fertile they smell different which men subconscious pick up on, the mucous change is also affected by the fertility cycle.

Men care so much about female orgasm because otherwise it can make them feel impotent.

I think we are saying the same thing … Impotence = inability to impregnate. Right?!?