I feel like an ungrateful wife

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HoneyBea

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Ok I need some suggestions please. I’m afraid of reacting poorly or saying something hurtful to my husband when he returns. I don’t want to fight but I want him to understand why I am hurt by his gift…I know it won’t come out right…I’ve been praying.,should I just keep quiet and pretend to like something I hate and not feel the anger and resentment I do for his lack of caring? Should I continue to eat my feelings?

My husband is still gone (we’ve been fighting since last night). I asked him to leave because the dog was shaking in fear with both our presence.

Anyways, my husband usually doesn’t buy me gifts…like ever… Not on birthdays Christmas never…I just found a gift under the tree…and before anyone starts saying…" Oh but he’s trying" let me explain…

1.This gift is a watch…I don’t like wearing watches…the brand watch is one of those expensive brands but the quality is poor and cheap, but it’s expensive only because of the brand name and foolish consumerism (michael Kors)
  1. I don’t like having things that everyone else has and I don’t mind spending money on a nice watch but quality is important. My husband should know how I feel about spending money on brand names just because it is a brand name. I don’t like things just because they are trendy. I don’t like being like the flock…I like things that stand apart…unique…classy etc…
3.The present isn’t even wrapped…not 10 ft from the gift is wrapping paper, scissors and tape layed out from all the wrapping I did. Could this extra effort not be made?
  1. I know for a fact he ran out to the local BX at the very last moment and grabbed what he thought would do. He let the lady behind the counter talk him into it because the truth is he has no idea what I like because he doesn’t care to know. It makes no difference to him except for the conveniene when buying a gift.
He put no thought into it…he just wanted to get me a gift…some might say I should be happy and grateful well I can’t help but feel even angrier. I feel like a used dirty towel.

I feel like he doesn’t even know his own wife nor does he care to…shouldn’t he know all these things about me after spending the last 8 years with me? I’m not shy, I express myself well so this is not for lack of me expressing or sharing myself.

If he’s not going to be thoughtful I’d rather he just save the money…we could use it on groceries or something we need. I don’t need him spending money in this foolish way. Had he cared and taken the time he could have bought me something nice for a lot less money, this feels wasteful and careless to me.

He is a selfish self centered man and I know I should feel grateful and happy he actually got me a gift for the first time in 8 years but I can’t help and feel even more hurt at the obvious lack of care, thought and love that went into it. And now I feel anger and want to blame him for making me feel ungrateful. This cycle of hurt and anger is exhausting and never ending. My heart is killing me.

I don’t want some cheap gaudy watch, I want my husband.
 
HoneyBea,
I am sorry that you are feeling this way. But have you really looked at what you said here?

Put yourself in your husband’s shoes. He tried to do something for you, and you have nothing good to say about it. If you act like everything he ever does is never good enough for you all the time, I can understand why he may become selfish.

Please, look into the books by Gary Chapman I recommended in your other thread. Based on what I have read in this thread and the other one I posted in today, I was in a place very similar to where you are right now. And until I acknowledged that I was part of the problem, and made the choice to address my issues and try to be more understanding of how my husband expressed and received love, nothing would have ever changed.

Peace & prayers for you and your husband.
 
Thank you

I never act one way because he never does anything. This is the first time he’s ever done anything for me.

He’s never even taken me out on a date. No, I’m not joking.

So, I’m definitely not reacting this way as a norm since there is never anything to react to.

Perhaps, my heart is just hard and that’s why I feel this way.

Also, I have yet to react to him, hence this post. This is how I feel but chances are I will have to smile and pretend to be happy for his sake…as usual.
 
I’ll post more later, but right now I just want to point out that he usually does not give you a gift, and this year he tried. Instead of showing gratitude and trying to teach him how to build on this step forward, you blew up at him-on Xmas eve.
 
It’s Christmas Day here and I did not blow up on him…he broke the door down…called me a whore…and a b**** and was going to lay his hands on me until I asked him to leave,

I’ve been praying non stop since last night…I just found the gift…he is gone and has no idea I found the gift nor how I feel about his gift. The nonstop arguing is not about the gift it’s because I asked him to call his family whom he never calls and I wanted to thank his mother for depositing money in our bank account for Christmas. He couldn’t take 5 minutes to call and give thanks because he wanted to watch tv. This act of selfishness hurt me and I walked outside and he went to bed.

Yes, I woke up angry and yes he did try to apologize, but I am so tired of always having to forgive. I am only human.
 
HoneyBea said:
It’s Christmas Day here and I did not blow up on him…he broke the door down…called me a whore…and a b**** and was going to lay his hands on me until I asked him to leave,
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This is what you should be concerned about, and why you should get you and your kids out of the house. The gift issue is immaterial.
 
HoneyBea said:
It’s Christmas Day here and I did not blow up on him…he broke the door down…called me a whore…and a b**** and was going to lay his hands on me until I asked him to leave,
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Ouch… that doesn’t sound good at all. 😦 I’m very sorry to hear all that. Sounds like some marriage counseling or something is in order?
 
HoneyBea said:
Ok I need some suggestions please. I’m afraid of reacting poorly or saying something hurtful to my husband when he returns. I don’t want to fight but I want him to understand why I am hurt by his gift…I know it won’t come out right…I’ve been praying.,should I just keep quiet and pretend to like something I hate and not feel the anger and resentment I do for his lack of caring? Should I continue to eat my feelings?

My husband is still gone (we’ve been fighting since last night). I asked him to leave because the dog was shaking in fear with both our presence.

Anyways, my husband usually doesn’t buy me gifts…like ever… Not on birthdays Christmas never…I just found a gift under the tree…and before anyone starts saying…" Oh but he’s trying" let me explain…

1.This gift is a watch…I don’t like wearing watches…the brand watch is one of those expensive brands but the quality is poor and cheap, but it’s expensive only because of the brand name and foolish consumerism (michael Kors)
  1. I don’t like having things that everyone else has and I don’t mind spending money on a nice watch but quality is important. My husband should know how I feel about spending money on brand names just because it is a brand name. I don’t like things just because they are trendy. I don’t like being like the flock…I like things that stand apart…unique…classy etc…
3.The present isn’t even wrapped…not 10 ft from the gift is wrapping paper, scissors and tape layed out from all the wrapping I did. Could this extra effort not be made?
  1. I know for a fact he ran out to the local BX at the very last moment and grabbed what he thought would do. He let the lady behind the counter talk him into it because the truth is he has no idea what I like because he doesn’t care to know. It makes no difference to him except for the conveniene when buying a gift.
He put no thought into it…he just wanted to get me a gift…some might say I should be happy and grateful well I can’t help but feel even angrier. I feel like a used dirty towel.

I feel like he doesn’t even know his own wife nor does he care to…shouldn’t he know all these things about me after spending the last 8 years with me? I’m not shy, I express myself well so this is not for lack of me expressing or sharing myself.

If he’s not going to be thoughtful I’d rather he just save the money…we could use it on groceries or something we need. I don’t need him spending money in this foolish way. Had he cared and taken the time he could have bought me something nice for a lot less money, this feels wasteful and careless to me.

He is a selfish self centered man and I know I should feel grateful and happy he actually got me a gift for the first time in 8 years but I can’t help and feel even more hurt at the obvious lack of care, thought and love that went into it. And now I feel anger and want to blame him for making me feel ungrateful. This cycle of hurt and anger is exhausting and never ending. My heart is killing me.

I don’t want some cheap gaudy watch, I want my husband.
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Try writing a note.
 
Oh my God! HoneyBea, that’s awful! I’m so sorry that you’re in such an abusive relationship! My goodness, that’s terrible! You don’t deserve that.

I believe you. I think I understand what you’re trying to say. I was in a very abusive relationship, even physically so, for 5 years.

A lot of the people on this forum, if they haven’t been in one, might not be able to even understand what it’s like, not believe you. I believe you. Break the door down? Call you names, obscenities! Good grief!

You don’t deserve that, but what are you going to do about it?

Can you get some counseling? Can you start, for now, with individual counseling? If, at some later point, your husband wants to join you, that’s a possibility. However, I don’t know how easy it’d be for someone that abusive to want to change.

I even think I understand about that about the gift. In that abusive relationship, guy I was with would abuse me, then maybe give me a gift, but usually the abuse, not a gift.

Some men do this in a cycle. It’s called, “Wine and roses”. So, if you tell people on this forum…“hey, my husband gave me a very expensive watch and I feel ungrateful”, they will probably blame you, not listening to the rest you just said.

Some men abuse, feel so guilty after they slap, push, etc., that they buy a gift to try to apologize for the abuse.

So, you have been ignored and abused. You just want somebody to understand this, that this gift really isn’t a “gift”. It may be to cover up the abuse…out of guilt.

Oh my God.

That abusive boyfriend I had, I was going without food! He once got me this expensive box of chocolates! I just wanted food! I had once gone 2 days without food! I’d be without the very basics, and he’d come over with some, unpractical, unrealistic, luxury item! So, to people, it’d look good, but it was so ridiculous!

Does he also physically abuse you? Sounds like he does.
 
I think you said you had a few kids, that you’re not alone, right?
 
You’re…I forget where you said you were…not in the US, though. I was going to give you some information on support, but that would only work in the US.

You’re in a foreign country, right?
 
I too was in an abusive relationship. I had a few options. Stick and go to counselling(by myself or together. No counselling or leave. I had to make a decision and also ask myself a question. “Am I a victim or volunteer?”
 
Sounds like too much “I” and not enough “we”. At this point the situation appears to be toxic and counseling is required.

Praying this wonderful Christmas Day for you and your family! We all receive presents that are not our style and we smile and say thank you, and mean it!
 
I am sorry that you are having this horrible time, and my thoughts are with you and your family.

However these types of situations always confuse me. You say this man has been horrible to you always. You say he “never” even took you out on a date. What attracted you to him and why did you marry him? If you were just using hyperbole then maybe you shouldn’t. If he really has changed since you married him then you need to assess your situation and act accordingly.

At any rate I believe as others here do that you need to get to counseling and fast.

Merry Christmas
God Bless
Know that you are loved.
 
TARRAT said:
I am sorry that you are having this horrible time, and my thoughts are with you and your family.

However these types of situations always confuse me. You say this man has been horrible to you always. You say he “never” even took you out on a date. What attracted you to him and why did you marry him? If you were just using hyperbole then maybe you shouldn’t. If he really has changed since you married him then you need to assess your situation and act accordingly.

At any rate I believe as others here do that you need to get to counseling and fast.

Merry Christmas
God Bless
Know that you are loved.
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No I’m not using hyperboles. I am very serious. For the sake of keeping a long story short. I met him when I was running away from some things. We never dated because I met him one night …spent the night and basically never left. 8 yrs later we are married (5yrs) and I’ve been miserable for the most part. Why do I stay? I don’t know…i thought if I was the perfect wife I could teach him how to love…I guess I’m scared…and part of me believes God can fix us. My awful marriage is what has drawn me to God. Through all this suffering …God was my last ditch effort…and of course I wasn’t expecting this journey but now I’m mostly confused by Gods will. I wish I knew what he wants for me. I know God hates divorce but I feel like I could have a case for annulment but the truth is despite it all I do love him or maybe I’m really afraid no one else will love me.

And no he has never once taken me on a date. He has not once made special plans for us nor bought me any gift, he bought me flowers twice in 8 yrs that was nice.

And to be fair his behavior has improved and he is genuinely trying. It’s just not enough…it’s sooo painfully slow. I am so tired.
 
Right now you are stuck on a “pity pot”, I know as I have been there. When we expect perfection in an imperfect world we will never be satisfied. Try dwelling on the positive you see in your husband and the love you have for him. Sounds like you are both frustrated. Together you can work this out. God bless you.
 
HoneyBea said:
It’s Christmas Day here and I did not blow up on him…he broke the door down…called me a whore…and a b**** and was going to lay his hands on me until I asked him to leave,

I’ve been praying non stop since last night…I just found the gift…he is gone and has no idea I found the gift nor how I feel about his gift. The nonstop arguing is not about the gift it’s because I asked him to call his family whom he never calls and I wanted to thank his mother for depositing money in our bank account for Christmas. He couldn’t take 5 minutes to call and give thanks because he wanted to watch tv. This act of selfishness hurt me and I walked outside and he went to bed.

Yes, I woke up angry and yes he did try to apologize, but I am so tired of always having to forgive. I am only human.
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Seems like you buried the lead here – the gift isn’t the problem: the name calling and abusive approach is. Men can stink at giving gifts but can express love, appreciation, and thoughtfulness in many other ways. But being verbally abusive isn’t okay. Ignore the gift for now and when he returns, tell your husband you’re giving you both the Christmas gift of counseling. The reasons for annulment are very specific and you may or may not qualify – but try to repair the damage that’s been done before seeking to end what you’ve committed to. Has he had any positive role models for marriage? Sure sounds like he needs one.
 
gracepoole said:
Seems like you buried the lead here – the gift isn’t the problem: the name calling and abusive approach is. Men can stink at giving gifts but can express love, appreciation, and thoughtfulness in many other ways. But being verbally abusive isn’t okay. Ignore the gift for now and when he returns, tell your husband you’re giving you both the Christmas gift of counseling. The reasons for annulment are very specific and you may or may not qualify – but try to repair the damage that’s been done before seeking to end what you’ve committed to. Has he had any positive role models for marriage? Sure sounds like he needs one.
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Unfortunately no : (

His mother has been married 3 or 4 times (I can’t remember) all to abusive men.

His father was married 7 times he died recently and his widow cut ties with everyone and said she was keeping everything as payment for the 10 yrs of hell being married to my husbands father.

He has my parents…they love him and treat him like a son.

I’m afraid he’s never had any good role models nor does he know how to love.
 
Yeah…expecting that you can change someone because you married them is just wrong.
You marry the person they are, not the person you want them to be.

I second the suggestion of checking out the Gary Chapman books.

I don’t get why you didn’t call MIL and thank her for the money if hubby wasn’t going to do it. Women don’t get that men don’t like to be pushed by their women to do things. It doesn’t matter how minor. As I said in a previous post, some people just aren’t close to their families. It took me a long time to get into the “Thank You” card thing because my family just didn’t do it. I learned that skill from my peers and watching other families do it. Unfortunately, some people just don’t have good role models growing up.

Don’t stay in an abusive relationship. I wouldn’t be grateful if I were in the type of relationship you describe.

It’s one thing to get a gift you don’t like, but it’s just not normal to be abusive and violent towards one another when you are in a ‘romantic’ relationship.

Also, some guys really aren’t super romantic. My husband tells me there are two types of guys…the guys who do “romance” and the guys who don’t. It was totally unromantic when my husband asked me to marry him. There weren’t any flowers or a candlelight dinner. There weren’t any messages on a scoreboard either. He just came out and said maybe we should get married because it seems like the next logical step. I said, sure. Sometimes, I wish he were “different”, but I know who I married and he’s never going to be “that person”.
 
Doesn’t the military have a lot of family resources? Have a good look at your base directory.
 
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