I feel like my marriage is dead

[bumby]

I Recommend This <3+

Thank you both for the recommendation - I will look it up.

 

[kelvinf]

No, not really. Aside from I’ve had two children!

And I still breastfeed them both.

Counselling hasn’t happened yet, was scheduled for this week but DH’s shifts were changed last minute. God willing it will go ahead this week. DH rolls his eyes when I mention it but I think he does actually understand we need it.

You said you were thinking of changing your appearance but if you haven’t really changed since you guys married, then your appearance isn’t the issue.

I hope you both finally make it to counselling. Just keep us posted.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I’ve been confirmed if that is what you mean?

This poster may mean well, but he is not Catholic, so take it with a grain of salt. “Baptized in the Holy Spirit” to him does not mean confirmation to us, we are not speaking the same language at all…

I am very glad to hear that your husband seems to understand that you both need counseling (my belief is that HE needs it more, but ). Your needs for intimacy are not abnormal, but his rejection of you has some roots, somewhere in his life.

Keep us updated, you’re in my prayers.

 

[THEYEHOVAH]

I’ve been confirmed if that is what you mean?

Baptism in the Holy Spirit is what made my confirmation IN THE ROMAN CATHOLIC CHURCH REAL! It IS Catholic because it IS Scripture THE CHURCH UPHOLDS. <3+

 

[THEYEHOVAH]

This poster may mean well, but he is not Catholic, so take it with a grain of salt. “Baptized in the Holy Spirit” to him does not mean confirmation to us, we are not speaking the same language at all…

I am very glad to hear that your husband seems to understand that you both need counseling (my belief is that HE needs it more, but ). Your needs for intimacy are not abnormal, but his rejection of you has some roots, somewhere in his life.

Keep us updated, you’re in my prayers.

Why consider a person describing him/herself as Christian NOT CATHOLIC?? <3+TY

 

[THEYEHOVAH]

This poster may mean well, but he is not Catholic, so take it with a grain of salt. “Baptized in the Holy Spirit” to him does not mean confirmation to us, we are not speaking the same language at all…

I am very glad to hear that your husband seems to understand that you both need counseling (my belief is that HE needs it more, but ). Your needs for intimacy are not abnormal, but his rejection of you has some roots, somewhere in his life.

Keep us updated, you’re in my prayers.

You can START with Acts 2 & 19, 11, and 8:16… Not everyone baptized with the Holy Spirit speak in tongues, but ALL speak the wonderful works of God WITH BOLDNESS… <3+TY

 

[Crash220]

Without risk of upsetting you more, why do you not hold hands anymore? Did you or your wife stop doing that? Do you know why she doesn’t give you affection?

Does she know you want to leave?

Well this is the kicker, marriage started going down hill when we lost her mother (13 years ago) and then she started gaining weight, but that does not matter to me. She looked into weight loss surgery quite some time ago, but decided against it.
She is the one that avoids all contact, I asked if we needed to end the marriage, she says no, but I am really confused on what to do. I am not the role model for Catholics, but I do believe my vows to her and GOD are important, not just words spoken in a ceremony.

 

[bumby]

Update:

Well, I finally got some counselling sorted. Just for me because DH didn’t want people to know where we were going.

But it turned out he couldn’t watch the kids while I went anyway. It isn’t his fault but his work shifts have been changed three times and I have had to cancel three times.

I have now been put at the back of the queue, because I have cancelled this many times.
It just seems totally typical but I suppose I mustn’t be downhearted and that maybe I can do my best to improve the situation before a new appointment rolls around again.

I suggested sex again today, after a month or two of not asking. He laughed and said he wondered when I’d ask that, as if I was a naughty child asking for yet another piece of cake or chocolate. I’m just so sick of it.

Then for the rest of the day I was withdrawn and felt depressive. Took me hours to get back to feeling okay again. I felt like I wanted to hurt him, I was very resentful.

I am working on myself, now. I exercise every work day and weekends a little too and read my books to help on my postgrad course next year. Just trying to focus on something positive before this situation drags me down again.

It’s a good job we have kids because I would have moved out a long time ago otherwise.

 

[kelvinf]

Update:

Well, I finally got some counselling sorted. Just for me because DH didn’t want people to know where we were going.

But it turned out he couldn’t watch the kids while I went anyway. It isn’t his fault but his work shifts have been changed three times and I have had to cancel three times.

I have now been put at the back of the queue, because I have cancelled this many times.
It just seems totally typical but I suppose I mustn’t be downhearted and that maybe I can do my best to improve the situation before a new appointment rolls around again.

I suggested sex again today, after a month or two of not asking. He laughed and said he wondered when I’d ask that, as if I was a naughty child asking for yet another piece of cake or chocolate. I’m just so sick of it.

Then for the rest of the day I was withdrawn and felt depressive. Took me hours to get back to feeling okay again. I felt like I wanted to hurt him, I was very resentful.

I am working on myself, now. I exercise every work day and weekends a little too and read my books to help on my postgrad course next year. Just trying to focus on something positive before this situation drags me down again.

It’s a good job we have kids because I would have moved out a long time ago otherwise.

I hope the scheduling finally gets better and you both make it to counselling or at least you.

Ya, children are just so wonderful.

 

[KoalaBear87]

I am not experienced with marriage but I noticed that with people that have similar problems, the men may have other needs or problems to be solved like it could be as simple as easing their minds with kind words or small problems which are dark worlds to them so I suggest be nice and try to find out. Most marriages are fun. You just have to discover it.

Posted from Catholic.com App for Android

 

[WendyDischler]

Sorry for yet another bleak post.

My husband tonight told me if I wanted to have sex just to ask him.

I know when I try he will squirm and tut and I’ll get so uncomfortable I’ll give up. Trouble is, I want him to desire me, not just have sex with me. He feels it is enough to pretend to be interested. I told him “I want you to want me.” And he replied, “I will, just tell me when.” !!!

Is this honestly too much to ask?

I feel as though I am getting close to my limit. I am working on m appearance (need to pose some weight) and if this doesn’t improve then, I may well do something I later regret like ‘M’ or have an affair. This is NOT me! I see the word ‘affair’ and want to laugh! I know marriage is till death do us part but I feel like I am being treated like a joke.

I love my children and don’t want to break up the family unit so I will not divorce him.

I just have had enough.

Some people need to make a date and respect each other just as much as when they were single. For instance, without making “an appointment,” you both seem to be fighting over time that is “yours.” That can be disheartening. Perhaps what is needed is more date-making rather than asking at a certain time?

I had a boss who was amazing. Instead of just coming into the office to pull away our time, even though it was our obligation to stop what we were doing to attend to her primarily, OF COURSE, she ALWAYS came in and asked when we could see her and MADE AN APPOINTMENT. That was SO respectful! It made us feel important and realize we WERE people with something to OFFER! She had one of the best staffs! We all felt empowered and forged ahead excitedly with self-responsibility to see what WE could contribute! She was amazing.

What this boils down to is BE YOUR BEST PERSON. Give the RESPECT you gave before married–whether HE does or NOT. It is OUR responsibility TO BE OUR BEST no matter what anyone else does. “DO unto others what YOU would have done unto you.” said by Christ Jesus says NOTHING about DEMAND from others what you would have them do FOR you! So many times we switch that around. YOU be your BEST YOU.<3+W–expect some flak from this; there is a Jewish author who actually gives some very sound if different ADVICE which meshes perfectly with only minor differences in his belief, of course, ABOUT JESUS, with what the Holy Spirit gave me; the improved nighttime experience of not fighting has come about in my experience as EACH of us tried to be “more JESUS,” AND THAT HAD TO START WITH MY DOING IT ALONE. Keep it up, keep it up, keep it up, and one day they will start. AFTER FLAK. Keep it up, THROUGH FLAK. DO NOT BACK DOWN. You have to be your best–not to IMPRESS but simply to be. IF HE IS NOT A CHRISTIAN THEN HE MAY WELL BE CONVERTED BY WATCHING YOU: 1 Corinthians 7:4, "

The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud ye not." Scripturally, one is not supposed to defraud the other of marital relations intimately; in fact, in the Old Testament, it was part of what was due a wife who could then depart and go back to her family if not: food, raiment, and her marital due–sexual relations. Your husband is there to prevent your fornication, and a wife who has been initiated into marital sexual intimacy when left by the husband ends up in illicit sexual union BECAUSE SEX IS ONE OF HER NEEDS. A Christian will care what the Bible says and try to obey it as above in 1 Corinthians 7:4. Matthew 5:32, “But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.” So there is a real need.

King James and English Standard versions<3+W

 

[Oh_Charlotte]

All those caps are very annoying.

The trouble with Wendy’s advice is it overlooks the fact that not all marriages can be saved, improved or healed by just *one *of the parties being as perfect as possible. In most cases, it takes two people wanting a good marriage. When one does not care or is not able and most importantly, not willing, all the perfection and respect of the other spouse is not going to save things. In many cases, it will make it worse.

When you give respect, kindness, tolerance and kindness to a man who is being abusing and controlling, they usually get worse!

And its very abusing and controlling the way he said, “Just ask” and when she did, he subtly mocked her. Serious problems there. It ruined her whole day, changed her whole mood. Do you think he didn’t notice? It could very well be that that was the GOAL. That kind of behavior does not deserve respect or kindness, which only encourages it.

Bumby, I don’t think you are going to get any help if you rely on your husband. It seems like you need to find a way to get babysitting, or bring a teen a long to watch them, or SOMETHING that does not involve your husband’s cooperation.

Meanwhile you could read Verbally Abusive Relationships: How to Recognize Them and How to Respond, by Patricia Evans, and see if it offers anything helpful. You can probably get it for under a dollar on half.com, plus about $3 in shipping, since there are so many millions in print. It might be good to read that first, because if you do have this problem, you have to be quite careful what kind of counselor you choose, as the author explains…

 

[WendyDischler]

All those caps are very annoying.

The trouble with Wendy’s advice is it overlooks the fact that not all marriages can be saved, improved or healed by just *one *of the parties being as perfect as possible. In most cases, it takes two people wanting a good marriage. When one does not care or is not able and most importantly, not willing, all the perfection and respect of the other spouse is not going to save things. In many cases, it will make it worse.

When you give respect, kindness, tolerance and kindness to a man who is being abusing and controlling, they usually get worse!

And its very abusing and controlling the way he said, “Just ask” and when she did, he subtly mocked her. Serious problems there. It ruined her whole day, changed her whole mood. Do you think he didn’t notice? It could very well be that that was the GOAL. That kind of behavior does not deserve respect or kindness, which only encourages it.

Bumby, I don’t think you are going to get any help if you rely on your husband. It seems like you need to find a way to get babysitting, or bring a teen a long to watch them, or SOMETHING that does not involve your husband’s cooperation.

Meanwhile you could read Verbally Abusive Relationships: How to Recognize Them and How to Respond, by Patricia Evans, and see if it offers anything helpful. You can probably get it for under a dollar on half.com, plus about $3 in shipping, since there are so many millions in print. It might be good to read that first, because if you do have this problem, you have to be quite careful what kind of counselor you choose, as the author explains…

CAPS NOTWITHSTANDING: IS THERE AN ECHO IN HERE–" that does not involve your husband’s cooperation."?? THANKS FOR YOUR AGREEMENT. THERE IS NEVER NOT A REASON to behave as Jesus Christ would have us behave. Yes, the person may very well choose to leave–as the apostles explain. “The nonbeliever may depart…” NOR DOES BEHAVING AS JESUS CHRIST WOULD HAVE US BEHAVE MEAN always being a pushover. That is a “milk interpretation” of the Scriptures and not a “meat interpretation,” which MEAT interpretation GIVEN BY THE HOLY SPIRIT IS TO FOLLOW THE HOLY SPIRIT–who is the same spirit who will lead the saints INTO BATTLE AT THE COMMAND OF JESUS. Namby-pamby “fake kindness” which is “the idea” and not THE REALITY of walking in the Holy Spirit IS NOT TRUTH. Only “TRUTH WILL MAKE…FREE.”

Be as–THE LORD will have you be. NO MATTER WHAT.<3+WENDY

 

[Tampa_Dave]

Geez, Bumby, he cringes when you initiate sex??



Just because he says he isn’t gay, doesn’t mean it’s true. I can’t think of a single reason that a normal, healthy heterosexual male would cringe if his wife initiated sex.

Boy, that’s a fact. I’ve been married over 27 years. I’ve never said no to my wife. She had a genuine headache one time in all those years. I consider myself lucky. My wife is a devout Catholic and she has always believed, like myself, that sex is a marital duty or privilege that cannot be considered lightly. We are very happy in that area, thank God.

 

[whm]

Bumpy, I am sorry to hear of your husbands lack of interest. You are not alone, this is quite common, although it seems more common for the roles to be reversed. I have been in a similar situation, had relations with my wife 20-40 times in the first 5 years of our marriage then nothing for the last ten. Its painful, you either feel inadequate or like a pervert. The reality I determined after many years is that it is not me (or only me), but my wife has issues and I have compassion for her with regards to this. I want to assure you that in the case you can’t get this situation fixed with your husband, things get a whole lot better and you can be as happy or happier than any other married couple. I am extremely joyful to be married to my wife now despite this issue.

That being said. It sounds like your husband is capable of relations and doesn’t have issues with ED. ED is not the only reason men might shy away, performance worries can also result in this reaction. Another possibility is that he is afraid of having another child. His cringing it not necessarily a response to you, but he is cringing about being aroused. Once aroused as a man, he will be all but committed to follow through. It is possible that perhaps he doesn’t want to have sex out of fear of performance issues or fear of a baby.

Another common problem that can cause disinterest is porn addiction. I am not accusing your husband of this, and in someway I feel it is unfair to even bring it up. However, given the shear numbers of people with porn issues, it is worth being aware of. Does he stay up later than you at night? Does he use his smart phone or a computer in isolation? How does he react if you ask to use his phone or computer unexpectedly?

 

[rayne89]

Has he been to the doctor? His testosterone level may be low. They can do a blood test to check that. It may be hormonal. Testosterone therapy is available by Rx.

 

[bumby]

My perspective from my own life, not sure if it will help but hope it may a little bit. I used to think that kissing and marital intimacy without real PASSION behind it was somewhat empty, and that if my husband kissed me but didn’t really WANT to kiss me it was not very meaningful. He would come up to me sometimes and give me a kiss and it felt, well, flat. I very much desired more passion, not all the time mind you but once in a while I really did. I thought it was silly for me to ask my husband for intimacy as if asking him to help me with some other chore and it was a hard time for both of us.

I remember telling him “I wish you would really WANT to do certain things with me and for me.” When I had to ask him it felt, well, empty and it was awful. Praise and glory be to Jesus Christ I was able to grow to beleive just the opposite and the results have been freedom for me and wonderful for my marriage!

To make my point: I wanted passion but then realized ANY man can feel passion for a woman, get “horny” and have sex, but only a husband that is dedicated and has committed his life to a woman will engage in intimacy even when he doesn’t “feel” like it in order to try and make her happy. ANY man can feel swept off his feet with emotion and give a woman a passionate kiss, but only a dedicated husband who has given his life will kiss his wife even when he is not in the “mood.” Getting swept off your feet with emotion is not something to admire, it can happen to anyone…but engaging in lovemaking when you aren’t exactly in the mood is something that can only happen in a committed marriage and is a sign of honoring one’s spouse despite what you feel.

I grew to appreciate the daily life in my marriage more and more! The ordinary days, the ordinary kisses, the ordinary sex life when one person asked for intimacy and the other person said “well, okay.” You see on the surface it may seem shallow, yet it is really something very deep. Passion is wonderful but it is not the truest sign of love, committment is.

Jesus Christ loves you very much. He knows in your heart that you desire passion from your husband. My guess is that you may have wounded your husband very deeply by asking him if he is gay. I am not suggesting that you abandon your desire for passion, but that you expand your heart to see that ordinary lovemaking that may seem superficial because one spouse is not as passionate is not shallow but can be something very deep. I know your situation is not exactly like mine but I hope this helps a little bit. I will pray for you. Please take care as best as you can. God bless.

This makes so much sense, I think you’re right, he is showing he cares. How blind I have been.

 

[bumby]

Has he been to the doctor? His testosterone level may be low. They can do a blood test to check that. It may be hormonal. Testosterone therapy is available by Rx.

Yes Rayne, he was checked three years back and is normal. He is choc full of testosterone I think - he’s got quite an impressive beard, haha.

 

[bumby]

Bumpy, I am sorry to hear of your husbands lack of interest. You are not alone, this is quite common, although it seems more common for the roles to be reversed. I have been in a similar situation, had relations with my wife 20-40 times in the first 5 years of our marriage then nothing for the last ten. Its painful, you either feel inadequate or like a pervert. The reality I determined after many years is that it is not me (or only me), but my wife has issues and I have compassion for her with regards to this. I want to assure you that in the case you can’t get this situation fixed with your husband, things get a whole lot better and you can be as happy or happier than any other married couple. I am extremely joyful to be married to my wife now despite this issue.

That being said. It sounds like your husband is capable of relations and doesn’t have issues with ED. ED is not the only reason men might shy away, performance worries can also result in this reaction. Another possibility is that he is afraid of having another child. His cringing it not necessarily a response to you, but he is cringing about being aroused. Once aroused as a man, he will be all but committed to follow through. It is possible that perhaps he doesn’t want to have sex out of fear of performance issues or fear of a baby.

Another common problem that can cause disinterest is porn addiction. I am not accusing your husband of this, and in someway I feel it is unfair to even bring it up. However, given the shear numbers of people with porn issues, it is worth being aware of. Does he stay up later than you at night? Does he use his smart phone or a computer in isolation? How does he react if you ask to use his phone or computer unexpectedly?

He has struggled with it in the past, but I truly don’t believe he looks at it anymore. He isn’t a guilty-acting person.

 

[smallcat]

He has struggled with it in the past, but I truly don’t believe he looks at it anymore. He isn’t a guilty-acting person.

A couple of people have brought this up and your response seems to be that this was a problem but it isn’t any more- to which I ask, how do you know? Have you asked him? Have you checked the history in his computer and phone? Does he stay up later than you at night? Or spend a long time in the bathroom with his phone? Acting guilty has nothing to do with it and many men are very good at hiding their porn use. If he’s struggled with porn in the past, he is NOT asexual.

Ask him. Do some checking around. I’m not saying that that is what’s going on, but porn use would explain a lot of his behaviors.