I feel like some kind of freak because of this

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jazzy0710 said:
We atcually have had this issue long before the medication. He was put on it just in the last 2 weeks.
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It’s still possibly mental health related. Bipolar down periods, for example, can result in a lowered sex drive.
 
Mintaka said:
Beyond his other medical problems and medications, it is pretty common for middle-aged people to have less energy. That is why we have vitamin supplements, particularly Vitamin D and Vitamin B -12. He may need the whole B complex of vities. (Especially if he does not eat vitamin-enriched flour every day, like in breakfast cereals.) He may even be low on Vitamin A, which tends to be drained away by health problems (particularly colds and flus and other common illnesses).

Before you panic over zebras, try horses. Vitamin lack is very common, even with people who already take a multivitamin. (Because our bodies do not process it as efficiently as we get into middle age.)

Eating fermented foods sounds stupid, but some guts really do better with some yogurt or sauerkraut or beer every few days, or even every day. It helped my middle-aged metabolism a lot.

You can also look up foods that promote energy, like some veggies, and figure out whether he is eating and drinking healthy foods all day.
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👍 thank you
 
BlueEyedLady said:
I’m concerned about the idea of getting out of the military. If he’s a shift cook, the odds of him finding a civilian job with comparable pay and benefits are very low, unless he has spent his enlistment focusing heavily on his education.
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👍 Yes!!! He doesn’t need to give up his career at this point.
 
Have to look at his diet, exercise and sleep. Men shouldn’t lose that much libido so early. I don’t know anything about the OP’s husband so I can’t make any specific recommendations beyond cut out all processed sugar and artificial sweeteners. But that would be an excellent start as it was for me.
 
I wonder if part of this could be a love language thing, too. Men typically have higher sex drives, that’s true, but not always, even when absent other issues like in the thread.

I know during stressful times my husband wants more intimacy - we can reconnect and he feels more like a team. Physical touch is not my love language and when I get stressed it can feel like just one more exhausting expectation. Having that knowledge doesn’t always fix it, but I can usually try to love him the way he wants, and he can love me by acts of service, or kind words.
 
Irishmom2 said:
One: The military is his job, not his problem. Do you think another job would not do the same to him, whatever you perceive that to be?

Two: I agree. Sometimes, you really do need to try a few different counsellors (not a social worker) until you find someone you **both ** feel comfortable with.

Three: No where did she mention pornography as a problem. Your generalization of pornography being a problem in the military is unfounded in this case, and possibly untrue in other cases.
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One. He will not fix his ailing family by being gone.
Three. Aside from medication and depression, really the biggest reason for a lack of drive tends to be the poison of pornography. Especially for men who are separated from families for lengths of time. (Military). This does not go away when one gets home. Porn can affect what a man wants or expects to get aroused for years.

It may not be the case but it’s a common problem for some of the things the wife is pointing out.
 
BlueEyedLady said:
I’m concerned about the idea of getting out of the military. If he’s a shift cook, the odds of him finding a civilian job with comparable pay and benefits are very low, unless he has spent his enlistment focusing heavily on his education.
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glassdoor.com/Salary/US-Navy-Cook-Salaries-E41451_D_KO8,12.htm

And oh let’s pick a random fun job…
glassdoor.com/Salaries/school-bus-driver-salary-SRCH_KO0,17.htm
That’s a raise. If it’s affecting his family and marriage it’s something to think about.
Of course he may not be free to leave…
That’s another story.
And of course that may not be the issue. But I know if my wife was desperate enough to post this, I’d do what I could to fix it.
 
Hoosier_Daddy said:
glassdoor.com/Salary/US-Navy-Cook-Salaries-E41451_D_KO8,12.htm

And oh let’s pick a random fun job…
glassdoor.com/Salaries/school-bus-driver-salary-SRCH_KO0,17.htm
That’s a raise. If it’s affecting his family and marriage it’s something to think about.
Of course he may not be free to leave…
That’s another story.
And of course that may not be the issue. But I know if my wife was desperate enough to post this, I’d do what I could to fix it.
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The OP did not come on here complaining that her husband does not make enough money. So suggesting a job that is a raise is pointless. That is not the problem.

Your post may have made more sense if you had not compared apples and oranges, by the way. You should have compared his job in the military and the same job as a civilian.
 
Hoosier_Daddy said:
One. He will not fix his ailing family by being gone.
Three. Aside from medication and depression, really the biggest reason for a lack of drive tends to be the poison of pornography. Especially for men who are separated from families for lengths of time. (Military). This does not go away when one gets home. Porn can affect what a man wants or expects to get aroused for years.

It may not be the case but it’s a common problem for some of the things the wife is pointing out.
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Being gone? Wow. that is an insensitive and ignorant remark. People serving their country are not “being gone.” Their families understand sacrificing for their country more than you seem to. And again, this is not something the OP mentioned as a problem.

She already said that porn is not a problem, why do you continue to beat that drum on this thread? 🤷
 
Hoosier_Daddy said:
glassdoor.com/Salary/US-Navy-Cook-Salaries-E41451_D_KO8,12.htm

And oh let’s pick a random fun job…
glassdoor.com/Salaries/school-bus-driver-salary-SRCH_KO0,17.htm
That’s a raise. If it’s affecting his family and marriage it’s something to think about.
Of course he may not be free to leave…
That’s another story.
And of course that may not be the issue. But I know if my wife was desperate enough to post this, I’d do what I could to fix it.
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Those “US Navy Cook Salaries” figures are junk. It says the average is $24,516. Military gets paid twice a month, so 24 times a year so that gives $1021.5 per pay which is below E-1 less than 2 years service pay ($1566.90). Nobody in the military makes less than that. Additionally, they may very well get BAS and BAH, (are they still tax free? even more of a benefit), so there is more money coming in. You have absolutely zero clue what this family makes money wise so why put down his job?
 
Xystus said:
Those “US Navy Cook Salaries” figures are junk. It says the average is $24,516. Military gets paid twice a month, so 24 times a year so that gives $1021.5 per pay which is below E-1 less than 2 years service pay ($1566.90). Nobody in the military makes less than that. Additionally, they may very well get BAS and BAH, (are they still tax free? even more of a benefit), so there is more money coming in. You have absolutely zero clue what this family makes money wise so why put down his job?
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I haven’t known many wealthy military families, though I have known a few. I have a friend who is a lawyer in the navy. He makes decent money…

work.chron.com/paid-join-military-20659.html

How much do you think shift cooks get paid?
 
Irishmom2 said:
**People do not join the military to become wealthy. **

You sure are obsessed with how much people make, even when that is not the problem of this thread. :rolleyes:
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I really couldn’t care less. Someone said that the op’s husband would not be able to find the same pay outside of the military. I don’t think that’s true. Money does not need to be the force keeping a person in the military if they wish to leave.

It is very well possible that not only is the military not contributing to the problem but it may be something the husband enjoys immensely. It also can offer much help with counseling and family issues. It’s kind of thier specialty! So there are good things that could be had. I just think that it may not be the perfect healthy and wealthy source of family support that some seem to think it is.

There is an almost irrational defense of the military at times. It’s hard to be a military family. It’s hard to be a family with a special needs child. It’s hard to be a family that is feeling a disconnect and has marital issues. All these things are hard. There are solutions to be had.

It doesn’t matter if the op’s husband makes six figures or 17,000 a year. Neither salary would negatively affect the marriage. But, telling someone that they are trapped in the military because it pays better than a private sector job is wrong.
 
Op:

It’s important to note that none of us have the answer. You post a question and we offer advice and discuss it like a book club at a coffee shop. None of us know your situation. This discussion can be fruitful if you remember that we can just help by having ideas. Not really by completely understanding your situation. The nature of forums is to debate. Please don’t take from that any sort of judgement or finger pointing. Every single poster on here wishes the best outcome for you. Every single one of us offer advice not because we want to cause trouble but because we want things to be better in your marriage and family.

Take heart! There are things you can try.

I speak for others when I say we will pray for you!
 
OP (and all who have posted about a “real” therapist)-
Master’s level social workers are clinically trained and ARE “real” therapists. If the therapist isn’t the right fit for you, though, find somebody else. He might, however, be a good fit for individual therapy for your husband? Is your husband only meeting with the psychiatrist for meds? He might need to talk to somebody more regularly to explore what’s going on with him personally.

If the two of you are seeking couples counseling, find someone who specializes in sexual issues (you might want to find an LMFT). However, that might not necessarily be a problem that can be fixed right away if there are deeper issues going on with your husband. Also, in general, a clinical social worker is trained to look more at the “bigger picture” (the whole person, family relationships, etc.) whereas a psychologist is trained more with techniques geared toward the individual. That might be where the social worker is coming from, I don’t know.

Again, it doesn’t sound like this will be a quick fix, given your husband’s mental health diagnoses, job, and level of stress. I know it must be frustrating to you, but he will need some time to get to the bottom of what is bothering him, and likely it is multiple things. It is often hard for people to express in words what is wrong, or he may very well not know.

Prayers for you and your family :gopray:
 
Zzyzx_Road said:
Have to look at his diet, exercise and sleep. Men shouldn’t lose that much libido so early. I don’t know anything about the OP’s husband so I can’t make any specific recommendations beyond cut out all processed sugar and artificial sweeteners. But that would be an excellent start as it was for me.
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I never thought about that. Come to think of it his diet sucks. He’s a cook on a naval base and has to feed a few hundred people and he and the other cooks often miss a meal or sometimes 2 because there’s too much work to do.
 
Xystus said:
Those “US Navy Cook Salaries” figures are junk. It says the average is $24,516. Military gets paid twice a month, so 24 times a year so that gives $1021.5 per pay which is below E-1 less than 2 years service pay ($1566.90). Nobody in the military makes less than that. Additionally, they may very well get BAS and BAH, (are they still tax free? even more of a benefit), so there is more money coming in. You have absolutely zero clue what this family makes money wise so why put down his job?
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We’re atcually in Canada not the United States
 
jazzy0710 said:
We’re atcually in Canada not the United States
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Good to know. I was unaware that Canada had a military.😉
Just kidding!!!

Not only that but I have no idea of the street value of a ruble or beaver pelts one might recieve as compensation…

(Know that I am joking here)
I have no idea about that situation then…🤷
 
Hoosier_Daddy said:
Op:

It’s important to note that none of us have the answer. You post a question and we offer advice and discuss it like a book club at a coffee shop. None of us know your situation. This discussion can be fruitful if you remember that we can just help by having ideas. Not really by completely understanding your situation. The nature of forums is to debate. Please don’t take from that any sort of judgement or finger pointing. Every single poster on here wishes the best outcome for you. Every single one of us offer advice not because we want to cause trouble but because we want things to be better in your marriage and family.

Take heart! There are things you can try.

I speak for others when I say we will pray for you!
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Thank you 🙂 Honestly when I post in here I don’t come in with any expectations. I know some people will agree and some won’t and the same for understanding. Everyone is different. The only reason I came here to discuss it is because it’s a very sensitive issue that I didn’t really have anyone to talk to about. We had a heart to heart last night that went very well. I also put a bug in his psychologists ear to let her know what’s been going on. If course she can’t discuss his case but did offer to ask him how the marriage is going and then if he opens up to her about it then that’ll be up to them to sort out together.
 
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