I feel my wife is controlling

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Adamski

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She is highly critical of my driving, how I pray, how I clean, parent and so on.
She also wants me to pick up the phone instantly at work and if I don’t she is frustrated
We only have sex when she wants to never if I initiate it.

This things make it very hard for me to care for her or go the extra mile, when I know they are probably just going to get rejected.

Either I am overly sensitive or she is overly critical or a little bit of both
 
Adamski said:
She is highly critical of my driving, how I pray, how I clean, parent and so on.
She also wants me to pick up the phone instantly at work and if I don’t she is frustrated
We only have sex when she wants to never if I initiate it.

This things make it very hard for me to care for her or go the extra mile, when I know they are probably just going to get rejected.

Either I am overly sensitive or she is overly critical or a little bit of both
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What does she say when you sit down with her and calmly explain that these things are of a concern to you?
 
Adamski said:
She is highly critical of my driving, how I pray, how I clean, parent and so on.
She also wants me to pick up the phone instantly at work and if I don’t she is frustrated
We only have sex when she wants to never if I initiate it.

This things make it very hard for me to care for her or go the extra mile, when I know they are probably just going to get rejected.

Either I am overly sensitive or she is overly critical or a little bit of both
Click to expand...
What does your wife say when you calmly explain how you feel about these concerns?
 
Adamski said:
She is highly critical of my driving, how I pray, how I clean, parent and so on.
She also wants me to pick up the phone instantly at work and if I don’t she is frustrated
We only have sex when she wants to never if I initiate it.

This things make it very hard for me to care for her or go the extra mile, when I know they are probably just going to get rejected.

Either I am overly sensitive or she is overly critical or a little bit of both
Click to expand...
Perhaps you could improve your driving. Perhaps your prayer life could use some betterment, perhaps your cleaning is in need of attention and your parenting as well. IF you cannot pick up the phone because of your job your could explain that to her. If you are avoiding her though because you don’t seem to like being around her then that is something you need to remedy.

You could also initiate sex, I’m sure you could entice your wife if you gave it the effort she wishes you would.

How long have you been married? Is this a new event for your lives?
 
Hello,

I wonder if there’s something under the surface that is worrying your wife, or causing stress in your family? I ask because clearly she wasn’t this critical at the beginning, or you would never have married her!

Last year, our son was became ill with a psychiatric problem. Our world fell apart and sometimes, I would catch myself criticising my husband and wouldn’t believe the things I said, nor the tone of voice I said them in! I was just shrewing him night and day! After a while, I realised that I was ‘picking’ at things, trying to find some semblance of control in our family when everything else was falling apart as we struggled to help our son.

In desperation, and not wanting to add marriage counselling to the never-ending list of appointment we were keeping; I listened to Dr. Kevin Leman’s ‘Have a new You/Kid/Spouse’ audiobooks and bought a book; ‘Thriving Marriages’ by John Yzaguirre. I cherry picked the parts that were useful and paid more attention to my marriage. It wasn’t quick or easy but things came right in the end.

It’s hard when you find yourself in opposite corners, and harder yet when romance becomes routine or fraught with undercurrents of resentment, resignation or reluctance. It’s hard when your best friend seems to be on a different trajectory to you. It’s a deeply sad and lonely place to be.

I’m sure you’re bewildered; my Hubster surely was! We girls can be enigmatic. 🙂 Perhaps you both work hard but forget to play, too? Perhaps you’re all about the household and not so much about each other? Perhaps she hasn’t the first idea what’s prickling her? Only you, in your heart of hearts know how things stand.

I’ll say a prayer to St. Valentine that you get to the bottom of what’s causing this ‘picking’ and can set it right.

Jenny x
 
Adamski said:

“She also wants me to pick up the phone instantly at work and if I don’t she is frustrated.”

Possible script for you (adjust according to taste): “If nothing is on fire at home and there aren’t any paramedics on the way, let’s stick to chatting over my lunch break. My lunch break is from 12-1 [or whatever]. I won’t be able to take any non-emergency calls at other times. I’m going to answer my phone if it’s you as soon as I can, but if it’s not an emergency, I’ll just say hello and we’ll make plans to talk later. I need to look professional and keep this job, babe.”

Good luck!
 
By the way, do you have a little baby at home or is your wife in some sort of hormonal state? Becoming very “detail oriented” (to choose a nice phrase for it) is not that abnormal when women are in an unusual hormonal state. Or is she dieting? Low blood sugar makes a lot of people crabby.

There’s a pretty good chance that this phase will be temporary. Be calm and and stand up for yourself in a non-confrontational, reasonable way and it may go away by itself.
 
Xantippe said:
Becoming very “detail oriented” (to choose a nice phrase for it) is not that abnormal when women are in an unusual hormonal state. QUOTE]

May I nominate this post for ‘The Most Diplomatic Thing Ever Written’ award? 😃
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Adamski said:
She is highly critical of my driving, how I pray, how I clean, parent and so on.
She also wants me to pick up the phone instantly at work and if I don’t she is frustrated
We only have sex when she wants to never if I initiate it.

This things make it very hard for me to care for her or go the extra mile, when I know they are probably just going to get rejected.

Either I am overly sensitive or she is overly critical or a little bit of both
Click to expand...
This sounds exactly like my wife! Amazing… It’s not my fault that the people in front of me slam on the brakes, yet I’m the one blamed for it…🤷

I feel your pain. 😦
 
TEPO said:
This sounds exactly like my wife! Amazing… It’s not my fault that the people in front of me slam on the brakes, yet I’m the one blamed for it…🤷

I feel your pain. 😦
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Are ya all tailgating?
 
Adamski said:
She is highly critical of my driving, how I pray, how I clean, parent and so on.
She also wants me to pick up the phone instantly at work and if I don’t she is frustrated
We only have sex when she wants to never if I initiate it.

This things make it very hard for me to care for her or go the extra mile, when I know they are probably just going to get rejected.

Either I am overly sensitive or she is overly critical or a little bit of both
Click to expand...
Had you tried marriage counseling, Retrovaille or Marriage Encounter?
 
Help for controlling people here. Controlling behavior is a symptom, not the problem.

The link is for you actually. It will help you find out why you invited a person like that into your life and how to change. Change yourself that is, not her. Most of us have little luck changing others;).

My guess is when you change, you will be amazed at how she changes too.

PAX
 
Adamski said:
She is highly critical of my driving, how I pray, how I clean, parent and so on.
She also wants me to pick up the phone instantly at work and if I don’t she is frustrated
We only have sex when she wants to never if I initiate it.

This things make it very hard for me to care for her or go the extra mile, when I know they are probably just going to get rejected.

Either I am overly sensitive or she is overly critical or a little bit of both
Click to expand...
Praying for you both.
 
Often when I am very critical of others, it starts off as being critical of myself. So, it may sound counter-intuitive to compliment her, but maybe if you compliment her, esp if you notice where she has tried, then she might relax on herself and then on you.

Also definitely laugh things off if anything goes wrong, no matter whose fault it is, and say something very cheerily like, this happens to all of us, or everyone does that.

Somewhere along the line she might have picked up that she needs to do everything perfectly. If this is her problem, then very subtly giving her a more relaxed set of standards might help.
 
The best remedy I have found for nagging is to not give her the opportunity to nag. When she nags, simply walk out of the house. Don’t say anything, just go. Take a walk or go to the store or whatever. When you come back, if she starts nagging again then leave again.

Eventually she will get the message that nagging is not acceptable. It’s not as satisfying to nag at the wall.

Same goes for the phone. If she starts nagging tell her to call back when she speaks with a respectful tone of voice. Then hang up on her and don’t take her call for awhile.
 
To the op - I fail to see how your wife is different than any other woman. Should have taken St Paul’s advice.😃
 
Mr_Clean said:
To the op - I fail to see how your wife is different than any other woman. Should have taken St Paul’s advice.😃
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Funny, my take is that without women controlling their behaviour most men would meet an early demise doing one of a million absurd things. Yes, women are cautious, repetitive, controlling, but we do keep you alive longer than single men. (My husband says it only seems longer)

But, seriously OP talk to your wife. You chose to be together for a reason, rediscover and celebrate your love.
 
It was been this way our entire marriage actually soon after we got married she said “things are going to change now”. And her out look strongly has. When we were single I was an extremely free spirit and she said she liked this. Right before she said things are going to change know on our honeymoon. I decided we where going to drive 3 hours out of the way and ski at grand targhee because it had snowed 3’ over night she said ok, then when we got there she said she would rather wait in the car, I skied for 4 hours and she waited in the lodge I wished she came with me and couldn’t understand why she was waiting in the lodge on such a great day. When I got back she exploded and really she has been in that mood for the entire 8 years of our marriage. The only thing that has gotten me through it is my catholic faith and I am a lot less spontaneous now. I would also say she grew up in a home with her father who was disabled and her mom had to do everything and I grew up in a home were my father was a professional motocross athlete and was always doing spontaneous things like I used to more often which I think has influenced out outlook in things
 
Let me give you an example of something a marriage counselor might say.

Some marriage counselors will recommend that we say 5 positive things to every negative. If you both were to do this, it might help your relationship.
 
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