I feel my wife is controlling

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Adamski said:
It was been this way our entire marriage actually soon after we got married she said “things are going to change now”. And her out look strongly has. When we were single I was an extremely free spirit and she said she liked this. Right before she said things are going to change know on our honeymoon. I decided we where going to drive 3 hours out of the way and ski at grand targhee because it had snowed 3’ over night she said ok, then when we got there she said she would rather wait in the car, I skied for 4 hours and she waited in the lodge I wished she came with me and couldn’t understand why she was waiting in the lodge on such a great day. When I got back she exploded and really she has been in that mood for the entire 8 years of our marriage. The only thing that has gotten me through it is my catholic faith and I am a lot less spontaneous now. I would also say she grew up in a home with her father who was disabled and her mom had to do everything and I grew up in a home were my father was a professional motocross athlete and was always doing spontaneous things like I used to more often which I think has influenced out outlook in things
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Upbringing, parents and family have a tremendous influence on who we are.

Oh. This is sort of funny but also has a grain of truth to it. A friend of mine says that women get married thinking, “I can change him” and men get married thinking, “She will always stay the same”.

Neither is right.

A counselor would look at this, try to help you both come to some resolution on the issues, hopefully. If you haven’t tried, what do you really have to lose? You sound miserable, and I doubt this will change unless some different approach is at least attempted.

Oh, and even if we nag and such, we can learn to…if not stop, decrease it.

I once knew a couple that went to counseling to improve communication. They were basically fine but thought things between them could be better. Indeed, it did help.

Most couples seem to wait until they are in divorce court before trying counseling, and generally by then, it’s gone on too long and is too late.
 
Were you on your honeymoon when you went skiing without her for 4 hours? If it was a honeymoon or not, she probably felt excluded. She may not like skiing.
 
Now, we know that your wife has a tendency to be controlling, nagging, etc. A counselor would listen to that and try to help but probably also ask you to try to think of her good points. What are her good points? Does she have any?
 
Adamski said:
It was been this way our entire marriage actually soon after we got married she said “things are going to change now”. And her out look strongly has. When we were single I was an extremely free spirit and she said she liked this. Right before she said things are going to change know on our honeymoon. I decided we where going to drive 3 hours out of the way and ski at grand targhee because it had snowed 3’ over night she said ok, then when we got there she said she would rather wait in the car, I skied for 4 hours and she waited in the lodge I wished she came with me and couldn’t understand why she was waiting in the lodge on such a great day. When I got back she exploded and really she has been in that mood for the entire 8 years of our marriage. The only thing that has gotten me through it is my catholic faith and I am a lot less spontaneous now. I would also say she grew up in a home with her father who was disabled and her mom had to do everything and I grew up in a home were my father was a professional motocross athlete and was always doing spontaneous things like I used to more often which I think has influenced out outlook in things
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I sincerely doubt she flipped the switch directly after “I do” was spoken. I think you either didn’t mind the way she ran things or did not wish to notice the signs. Either way perhaps you should focus on her good qualities as a wife and mother to your children. Children you obviously loved her enough to make.

That being said:
My honeymoon was in Tahoe. I ski, my wife does not. She stayed in the lodge while I skied. She enjoyed doing it. And we had a wonderful honeymoon. We have a wonderful marriage. She thinks I am the worst driver of all time.😉
 
Couples, when having problems, typically develop a sort of tunnel vision. When we first are dating, we can almost see nothing wrong. Later, we can’t seem to see anything they do right.

Counselors will often encourage couples to compliment each other more, because usually what happens is communication becomes a bunch of complaints and criticism, and neither side wants to listen to that.
 
Counselors will also typically encourage people to address one issue with a spouse at a time. Well, it gets overwhelming when we say…you x,…y…z…

Focus on one issue to work on at a time with her. It’s more workable, less overwhelming.

It’s hard to change. Think of it a little like an enormous boat and getting it to try to change direction after the momentum is already established.
 
OP:
are you sure you do not have the same controlling and nagging habits that she does? You have posted 2 posts complaining about her without a single nice thing being said.

Is she a good mother? Is she a good wife? Is she a good person?
 
It has to be rough living with a nagging harpy like that. I’m sure you never saw it coming.

Her nagging is obviously killing your love for her, as it would any sane person.

You may need to spend most of your time away from home. Play a lot of golf, find some volunteer work, or get a job where you are always on the road and can get away from her toxicity.
 
Since she is going to be mad at you all of the time anyway, you might as well do things you enjoy. Then she’ll be mad, but so what. Let her be mad. There isn’t anything you can do to change that. So let her be how she is and do what you want.
 
Groo said:
It has to be rough living with a nagging harpy like that. I’m sure you never saw it coming.

Her nagging is obviously killing your love for her, as it would any sane person.

You may need to spend most of your time away from home. Play a lot of golf, find some volunteer work, or get a job where you are always on the road and can get away from her toxicity.
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Wait, so distance and avoidance is the best way to help a marriage?

There are lots of golf widows and divorcees from trucker husbands that would disagree.
 
ClearWater said:
Let me give you an example of something a marriage counselor might say.

Some marriage counselors will recommend that we say 5 positive things to every negative. If you both were to do this, it might help your relationship.
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My wife this is dishonest I do it all the time
 
Hoosier_Daddy said:
OP:
are you sure you do not have the same controlling and nagging habits that she does? You have posted 2 posts complaining about her without a single nice thing being said.

Is she a good mother? Is she a good wife? Is she a good person?
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Honestly I am really burned out by her glass half full out look
 
Groo said:
The best remedy I have found for nagging is to not give her the opportunity to nag. When she nags, simply walk out of the house. Don’t say anything, just go. Take a walk or go to the store or whatever. When you come back, if she starts nagging again then leave again.

Eventually she will get the message that nagging is not acceptable. It’s not as satisfying to nag at the wall.

Same goes for the phone. If she starts nagging tell her to call back when she speaks with a respectful tone of voice. Then hang up on her and don’t take her call for awhile.
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…👍 :D. That’s good. Really.
 
This thread is ruining my faith in humanity. I haven’t seen such bad advice since the book of Job! :banghead:

OP: your wife doesn’t trust you. She doesn’t trust anyone, not really. She is fundamentally insecure about who she is and whether she is lovable. She is terrified of being out of control, because out of control is a place that makes her very badly hurt. So she takes control.

She needs God, not you. But she can’t control God.

Behind it all, she’s just very, very afraid. She deserves all the compassion in the world. She needs to experience God’s love and God’s affection, which is ever-so-different from the shallow and inconsistent love she’s used to. (Since she protects herself so well, she never feels anything but shallow and inconsistent love. True love requires vulnerability).

NOTE: I may be wrong about anything I wrote above, but I do speak from some amount of experience. There is hope for her to change, but you can’t make her change.
 
I’d feel better if someone else could back me up on this (I’m neither married nor a psychologist), but even if I walk on eggshells around someone, one I thing I don’t do is admit to wrongs I haven’t done. Exaggeration, I guess, can be let slide, but when it starts being both factual and untrue at the same time, I correct the wrong information. I believe the best way of doing it is assertive and non-defensive. As in I mean you no harm, I still respect you/like you, but I won’t call black white or white black for you. Sort of like with a child. And a child needs you to be secure and confident, can’t feel you waver.

Have you tried communicating how it makes you feel (without accusing her of actually intending to make you feel that way)?

And she may need counselling for some repressed anger/resentment, e.g. connected with getting the raw deal in life.
 
Prodigal_Son said:
This thread is ruining my faith in humanity. I haven’t seen such bad advice since the book of Job! :banghead:

OP: your wife doesn’t trust you. She doesn’t trust anyone, not really. She is fundamentally insecure about who she is and whether she is lovable. She is terrified of being out of control, because out of control is a place that makes her very badly hurt. So she takes control.

She needs God, not you. But she can’t control God.

Behind it all, she’s just very, very afraid. She deserves all the compassion in the world. She needs to experience God’s love and God’s affection, which is ever-so-different from the shallow and inconsistent love she’s used to. (Since she protects herself so well, she never feels anything but shallow and inconsistent love. True love requires vulnerability).

NOTE: I may be wrong about anything I wrote above, but I do speak from some amount of experience. There is hope for her to change, but you can’t make her change.
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You got an entire psychoanalysis of his wife from two posts about her nagging and his inability to look at himself? I bow to your abilities Mr. Holmes.😉
 
Groo said:

“Her nagging is obviously killing your love for her, as it would any sane person.
You may need to spend most of your time away from home. Play a lot of golf, find some volunteer work, or get a job where you are always on the road and can get away from her toxicity.”

So, how was the divorce?

My husband and I have been watching the British series “A Touch of Frost,” which is cop show. At the beginning of the series, Inspector Frost is burying his wife, with whom he’d had a terrible marriage. As the series develops, and we see Frost trying to have relationships with a series of women, we slowly (this is over the course of quite a number of years) realize (and Frost does, too) that the reason his relationship with his wife was terrible and his relationships with these other women don’t get off the ground is that he didn’t really have time for them. He’s chasing murderers while leaving these women sitting in restaurants alone waiting for him to turn up, and there’s only so much of that they can take. He’s very good at his job, but his personal life is stunted.

Time = love.
 
Groo said:
I am still married, thank you. Women want a man they can’t control.
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I agree. However, you said:
Same goes for the phone. If she starts nagging tell her to call back when she speaks with a respectful tone of voice. Then hang up on her and don’t take her call for awhile.
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Women don’t want a man that treats them like children.
 
What I said worked for me. And quickly I might add. It is a method of communication that says- this is unacceptable and I won’t put up with it.

Your mileage may vary.
 
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