I feel my wife is controlling

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TK421 said:
Nagging wives have been a struggle since Eve. I’m not married but my standard tactic towards controlling/nagging people is to default to a posture of serenity and ignore everything they throw my way. It’s kryptonite for them.

She is afflicted with blindness on this matter. You cannot convict her of her behavior by a simple retort. You have to shame her into improvement with your holiness (which means you have to be holy). If there is anything where you think you need to improve, try hard to improve. It doesn’t matter if she isn’t improving with you or if she has a plank in her eye. Don’t concern yourself with what is “fair” in the childish sense of the word. Just do what is holy. This is how it works for anything related to morality. It’s not just a matter of intellectual correction. If it was, the world would already be a paradise.
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Shame her into improvement with your holiness? :confused:

That doesn’t sound like repairing a relationship, to me. Moreover, I wouldn’t want a wife who treated me well because I made her feel ashamed.
 
I’m repeating 2,000 years of tradition on how to convert hearts. It works. I have incalculably large mountains of evidence on my side. When you treat a person better than how you are treated, you cause their conscious to be convicted (hopefully). This is the same method that Martin Luther King Jr., Gandhi, etc. used in order to be successful in their movements.
 
Xantippe said:
With regard to the confusion over “control,” it is true that women don’t like weak men, and that in that respect we are kind of like dogs with regard to fear. We can smell weakness, and it can make us nippy. However, bear in mind that we also smell weakness when men don’t follow through and don’t live up to their commitments. It’s no good just stalking off to the golf course (who can afford it, anyway?) when the grass is unmown, the garage is a disaster, the kids’ toys are unrepaired and a multitude of important home projects are being neglected. If you are neglecting your responsibilities, your wife speaks up about it, and you stalk off to goof off all day, that’s not actually a display of strength, but rather the reverse.
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I don’t understand what that has to do with control. Don’t you want a husband that **chooses **to do these things?

Maybe you’re confusing control with reliability? I refuse to let my wife control me, but I’m happy to let her influence me. If she asks me something reasonable, I’ll almost always say yes. And I consider it my duty to be there for her, to love her and help her. But when my wife does something somehow controlling, it doesn’t make me want to love her and help her more. Rather, it makes me feel like a tool. 🤷
I think something to bear in mind is that vices come with their companion virtues, and virtues come with their companion vices. For instance, a generous person might be careless with money, or a person who is careless with money might be generous, while the reverse might be true of somebody who is good with money–their temptation might be toward tightfistedness. In this instance, the OP’s wife’s vice is being controlling. However, the flip side of that is that she probably has some corresponding virtues. She’s probably detail-oriented, future-oriented and conscientious and she probably works pretty hard. There are probably virtues in her personality, that if appropriately harnessed, will be very valuable to your family. (As I recall, you’re in a mixed marriage, which adds to the difficulty of the situation.)
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This makes sense, although we should be clear that we are free to shake off our vices, if we avail ourselves of God’s help. But it’s very hard to do so. 😦
 
Groo said:
Yeah, I hear a number of stories of wives who leave because their husband works too much. And I think it is ****. My grandfather worked all the time because he had many kids, and my grandmother understood that. Many women today don’t seem to get it.

As the Godfather says I don’t apologize for doing what I have to to take care of my family. If she can’t accept that it’s her problem, not his.
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I have seen this attitude of wives expecting their husbands to provide, but then get angry that he has to work late or go in on the weekend. I don’t get it. It isn’t like he wants to be working, unless it is to escape from a poor home life. 🤷
When my husband has to go in or stay late, I miss him terribly, we all do. But such is life. We make do without him and celebrate his homecoming. I would never dream of complaining about him being a hard worker and being employed full-time. Now, of course, workaholics are a different problem altogether. But there is an obvious difference between a hard worker and a workaholic, in my opinion.
 
Xantippe

Sometimes men who are being controlled need to stand up for themselves. That is the gist of what I am trying to say. Are my suggestions appropriate for all situations? No, certainly not. The OP is an intelligent man, and I trust he will do what is best.

But sitting down at the table for a rational conversation simply doesn’t work for all scenarios. Sometimes a man needs to communicate that a behavior is unacceptable in a nonverbal manner to get his point across.

I see too many guys get manipulated by controlling women. It can get out of hand, and even lead to physical violence.

But you do make some good points and I thank you for them, and appreciate your sharing.
 
mommamaree said:
I have seen this attitude of wives expecting their husbands to provide, but then get angry that he has to work late or go in on the weekend. I don’t get it. It isn’t like he wants to be working, unless it is to escape from a poor home life. 🤷
When my husband has to go in or stay late, I miss him terribly, we all do. But such is life. We make do without him and celebrate his homecoming. I would never dream of complaining about him being a hard worker and being employed full-time. Now, of course, workaholics are a different problem altogether. But there is an obvious difference between a hard worker and a workaholic, in my opinion.
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The worst are women who complain about their spouse working while also setting a very high standard for income. One woman I know will complain that her husband is gone all the time, but at the same time she can’t budget her household on anything less than 200k a year. If you want your husband around you have to be willing to live more frugally.
 
There’s a previous post here from the OP from back in Nov. about issues with his mixed marriage. He’s a recent revert, she’s a long-time Protestant and there are issues over how to raise the kids.

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=834966

From that OP:

“My wife is a very giving person and has many great things about her walk with jesus.”

Also, reading between the lines, it looks like OP’s relationship with his wife was probably the springboard that led to his reverting. In that OP, Adamski also says that “Long story short 12 months ago my wife said our marriage should be recognized in the Catholic Church because all the great changes it had made in my life.”

So, if Adamski’s wife is “controlling,” it seems like a very recent development, as there’s not much sign of it in that post.
 
From other previous posts:
  1. The OP’s wife every few months accuses him of cheating, completely out of the blue. That is weird. (That’s from Nov. '13.)
  2. From Sept. '13
“Currently my wife has her period 2-3 weeks out of the month, bleeding and it has been getting progressively worse recently. She has abdominal pain to the point where she can’t walk some days and she is pretty tough. She has already had surgery to remove ovarian sists. Now her doctor is telling her the only solution is a histerectamy. We have already been blessed with two children. We have also had a number of miscarriages”

Holy cow–that would make any of us crabby and insecure.

Has she had her hysterectomy yet? Either way (if she’s still having the extensive bleeding and pain you described or she’s had the hysterectomy) I would expect a lot of hormone-fueled weirdness. I would suggest doing some reading (actually A LOT of reading) about the emotional effects of menopause, because from everything I’ve heard, a woman’s going into menopause can be really rough on everybody around her. There can be very strange changes in behavior and moods. Going into menopause prematurely could be particularly tough on a younger woman’s self-image and self-esteem. I would even suggest posting a separate question on this on CAF, as there are lots of wise post-menopausal ladies and husbands of post-menopausal ladies on CAF, and they may have some good ideas.

Talking to her OB/GYN about additional psychological support or about appropriate pharmaceutical treatment would be a good idea.

It’s actually really good news for you if her issues are largely hormonal, this does mean that there is an end in sight. In a few years, she may be back to being much more herself.

Best wishes!
 
Groo said:
Sometimes men who are being controlled need to stand up for themselves. That is the gist of what I am trying to say. Are my suggestions appropriate for all situations? No, certainly not. The OP is an intelligent man, and I trust he will do what is best.

But sitting down at the table for a rational conversation simply doesn’t work for all scenarios. Sometimes a man needs to communicate that a behavior is unacceptable in a nonverbal manner to get his point across.

I see too many guys get manipulated by controlling women. It can get out of hand, and even lead to physical violence.
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When someone feels that they are not being treated with basic respect and it is affecting their sense of self… the universal response is to express how I feel clearly and succinctly (basic respect is a human right and doesn’t need justifications) and walk away. You can’t control the way another person treats you with psychological techniques or devious manipulating. The advice has to work for everyone equally… child, mentally ill, physically ill as well as fully functioning adults. It makes clear how you feel and offers a simply plan of action to remove you from the present ‘danger’. That is a reaction of self respect.

At some other time, it is good to work on the relationship issues together or in counselling… but in that moment when you are being threatened disrespectfully, regardless of how right or wrong either of you are in the big picture… it’s best to deal with offensive behaviour with self respect for both parties sakes.
 
LongingSoul said:

“It makes clear how you feel and offers a simply plan of action to remove you from the present ‘danger’. That is a reaction of self respect.”

I think it is a good idea to add, “I love you honey–let’s talk about this after lunch/after dinner/on Sunday/after the kids go to bed when we’ll have more time to devote to this,” so that the other spouse knows that their needs aren’t being just ignored and that there is a plan to resume the discussion later.

In my experience, you can get miraculous results by just having something to eat before having any sort of difficult discussion–low blood sugar causes a lot of unnecessary fights. In the OP’s case, his wife may be in more discomfort at certain times of day, and less at others, so it would make sense to try to figure out what times work best for her and save any serious discussion for when she’s at her best.
 
Xantippe said:
LongingSoul said:

“It makes clear how you feel and offers a simply plan of action to remove you from the present ‘danger’. That is a reaction of self respect.”

I think it is a good idea to add, “I love you honey–let’s talk about this after lunch/after dinner/on Sunday/after the kids go to bed when we’ll have more time to devote to this,” so that the other spouse knows that their needs aren’t being just ignored and that there is a plan to resume the discussion later.
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Each relationship will of course be different, but when you experience a moment of someones disrespect regardless of all the other things involved, it is important to keep the focus on the negative behaviour that is damaging to you. Some things just aren’t acceptable regardless of who is more right or more wrong in a marriage. It’s about protecting yourself in the moment an abuse is happening, not disregarding the others needs. So saying to someone ‘I love you honey’ in response to a disrespectful act or words… is not really a natural or healthy response in dealing with that act of disrespect between adults. There are right times for everything I think.
 
LongingSoul said:
When someone feels that they are not being treated with basic respect and it is affecting their sense of self… the universal response is to express how I feel clearly and succinctly (basic respect is a human right and doesn’t need justifications) and walk away. You can’t control the way another person treats you with psychological techniques or devious manipulating. The advice has to work for everyone equally… child, mentally ill, physically ill as well as fully functioning adults. It makes clear how you feel and offers a simply plan of action to remove you from the present ‘danger’. That is a reaction of self respect.

At some other time, it is good to work on the relationship issues together or in counselling… but in that moment when you are being threatened disrespectfully, regardless of how right or wrong either of you are in the big picture… it’s best to deal with offensive behaviour with self respect for both parties sakes.
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Good advice. This is probably the best response to chronic disrespectful behavior. Simply state your feelings, without blaming or accusing, and walk away. Might take 100 times to see change, or maybe it won’t change at all. But you are right - sometimes I still tend to want to take control and that is often not the best route.
 
LongingSoul said:

“So saying to someone ‘I love you honey’ in response to a disrespectful act or words… is not really a natural or healthy response in dealing with that act of disrespect between adults. There are right times for everything I think.”

But is it meant to be disrespectful?

If we look at the OP’s examples, his wife may believe that she is saving her family from violent death in an auto accident by critiquing his driving habits.

Likewise, when she calls him when he’s working and wants to talk to him RIGHT NOW, does she mean to be disrespectful? It may be that she wants love and support and reassurance, and when he doesn’t answer the phone or talk to her, she feels unloved, unsupported, and unreassured. Her insistence on instant availability during the working day may be unreasonable or not (he’s a landscaper, so she knows she’s not calling him mid-brain surgery), but her need for reassurance and support is real. That’s why I encourage him to say, “I love you honey, we’ll talk during my lunch break/once I get home/etc.” It’s really important for her to hear that he loves her.

Remember, this is a woman whose whole reproductive system is a disaster area, so she is probably feeling very inadequate and sad about seeing her youth leave her so unexpectedly soon. As I recall from another post by Adamski, he was at some point wanting more children, and she presumably knows this, so it’s quite possible she feels that she has let him down.

I wish some of the older women would chime in on this one, because I feel like they could really provide some important insight.
 
LongingSoul said:
Each relationship will of course be different, but when you experience a moment of someones disrespect regardless of all the other things involved, it is important to keep the focus on the negative behaviour that is damaging to you. Some things just aren’t acceptable regardless of who is more right or more wrong in a marriage. It’s about protecting yourself in the moment an abuse is happening, not disregarding the others needs.
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Aren’t you identifying “disrespect” with “abuse”? Those seem to me miles away. On a hard day, speaking to a spouse disrespectfully is par for the course. We shouldn’t tolerate such behavior in ourselves, but of course we should accept it from others, even as we try to help them get to a place where they won’t disrespect us.

I too think being direct and brief is often good, but it shouldn’t be a hard and fast rule. The only hard and fast rule is love – that we try, to the best of our ability, to do the loving thing.

Personally, I never feel the need to protect myself from disrespect. And, if I did, that would be a problem with me, not with the person disrespecting me.
 
So since he is ‘only’ a landscaper and not a surgeon she should feel free to interrupt him at any time and expect immediate attention? I found that a bit offensive.

What if he is in the middle of talking to a client? Sorry, bub, I need to soothe my wife’s fragile ego. I think you are making excuses for bad behavior. Many women have surgery and don’t subsequently harp on their husbands.
 
Xantippe said:
LongingSoul said:

“So saying to someone ‘I love you honey’ in response to a disrespectful act or words… is not really a natural or healthy response in dealing with that act of disrespect between adults. There are right times for everything I think.”

But is it meant to be disrespectful?

If we look at the OP’s examples, his wife may believe that she is saving her family from violent death in an auto accident by critiquing his driving habits.

Likewise, when she calls him when he’s working and wants to talk to him RIGHT NOW, does she mean to be disrespectful? It may be that she wants love and support and reassurance, and when he doesn’t answer the phone or talk to her, she feels unloved, unsupported, and unreassured. Her insistence on instant availability during the working day may be unreasonable or not (he’s a landscaper, so she knows she’s not calling him mid-brain surgery), but her need for reassurance and support is real. That’s why I encourage him to say, “I love you honey, we’ll talk during my lunch break/once I get home/etc.” It’s really important for her to hear that he loves her.

Remember, this is a woman whose whole reproductive system is a disaster area, so she is probably feeling very inadequate and sad about seeing her youth leave her so unexpectedly soon. As I recall from another post by Adamski, he was at some point wanting more children, and she presumably knows this, so it’s quite possible she feels that she has let him down.

I wish some of the older women would chime in on this one, because I feel like they could really provide some important insight.
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The thing is that we can know ‘disrespect’ objectively and address it immediately. It doesn’t need to involve judgement of the other person one way or the other. No one can feel entitled to disrespect another person for any reason and no one should feel obliged to passively accept disrespect because of anothers perceived entitlement to that behaviour.

I’m certainly not advocating stonewalling a spouse here. I’m saying it can be an act of self respect to state the hurt that a persons behaviour has caused and walk away in that moment. In every good relationship, the underlying issues should be addressed when the hostility and hurt due to an act, have subsided but we have to act with self respect when someone treats us dis - respectfully. Not just allow that behaviour to go unchecked.
 
Burt_Macklin said:
The worst are women who complain about their spouse working while also setting a very high standard for income. One woman I know will complain that her husband is gone all the time, but at the same time she can’t budget her household on anything less than 200k a year. If you want your husband around you have to be willing to live more frugally.
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This sounds familiar
 
Xantippe said:
From other previous posts:
  1. The OP’s wife every few months accuses him of cheating, completely out of the blue. That is weird. (That’s from Nov. '13.)
  2. From Sept. '13
“Currently my wife has her period 2-3 weeks out of the month, bleeding and it has been getting progressively worse recently. She has abdominal pain to the point where she can’t walk some days and she is pretty tough. She has already had surgery to remove ovarian sists. Now her doctor is telling her the only solution is a histerectamy. We have already been blessed with two children. We have also had a number of miscarriages”

Holy cow–that would make any of us crabby and insecure.

Has she had her hysterectomy yet? Either way (if she’s still having the extensive bleeding and pain you described or she’s had the hysterectomy) I would expect a lot of hormone-fueled weirdness. I would suggest doing some reading (actually A LOT of reading) about the emotional effects of menopause, because from everything I’ve heard, a woman’s going into menopause can be really rough on everybody around her. There can be very strange changes in behavior and moods. Going into menopause prematurely could be particularly tough on a younger woman’s self-image and self-esteem. I would even suggest posting a separate question on this on CAF, as there are lots of wise post-menopausal ladies and husbands of post-menopausal ladies on CAF, and they may have some good ideas.

Talking to her OB/GYN about additional psychological support or about appropriate pharmaceutical treatment would be a good idea.

It’s actually really good news for you if her issues are largely hormonal, this does mean that there is an end in sight. In a few years, she may be back to being much more herself.

Best wishes!
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Sadly she had the histerectamy ;-(
 
Burt_Macklin said:
…she can’t budget her household on anything less than 200k a year…
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Gee, I feel so good that I have a wife who can budget a household for less than $30,000, with five kids. 😊

No, if only I could get out of grad school so she didn’t have to!
 
She will not let my children get baptized because she only believes in adult baptism and currently my five year old is asking to get baptized and is getting a little upset with my wife. In 2 weeks my five year old and I will be attending the baptism class at our parish. My wife now says she is ready for my daughter to get baptized because “it is clear she has the appropriate faith”. But she has to get baptized in a different church which my wife only attends 10-15 times a year “when she needs to be fed spiritually”. My five year old says she doesn’t want to to get baptized there because “they jump up and down and run around like crazy there and don’t have father Roy”. I have been very patient and will be taking a strong stand on this
 
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