I feel sad about the state of marriage these days

[Gordon_Sims]

I feel sad about this, too. Both my parents and my in-laws have been divorced and remarried, sometimes multiple times. My siblings have both already had failed marriages. One has remarried and the other has become an odd combination of promiscuity and spouse seeker, and is so very lonely. Easy divorce has made a train wreck of our families. And the worst part of it is, the decision of our parents to divorce impacts each and every conversation, visit, and family gathering we have with our family members. It is inescapable.

The biggest problem I have dealing with divorce in the family is, Whose side do you take? Because, you know, there’s always sides, and the expectation is that you take the side of the blood relative. But what about when the blood relative is the one in the wrong? What about the times when the blood relative was the one sleeping around, being abusive, getting knocked up/impregnating someone else, etc.? What about those cases when you were extremely close to the non-blood relative, who did absolutely nothing wrong, is still the same wonderful person they always were, and by all rights is still your valid relative by marriage since they never got an annulment? What happens when you don’t play along, refuse to denigrate a marriage and slap the divorcee on the back, tell them you always hated the spouse, that you couldn’t wait for them to leave the person and that you feel they were justified in cheating? The idea of being on the “right” side of those situations is sickening, while being on the “wrong” side brings its own brand of misery.

 

[HerCrazierHalf]

Do you think less people are divorcing, or is it more that less people are getting married?

Less people are getting married and they marry later in life. But I’m convinced that a lot those divorces area result of a social pressure to marry by a certain point that may have existed many decades ago.

This is evident to me in the fact that the boomers account for a large share of the old “50% of marriages fail” statistic and that same generation is having a spike in divorces now, after decades together sometimes.
One of many sources: mobile.reuters.com/article/idUSBRE95B11T20130612?irpc=932

 

[Zzyzx_Road]

The wreckage set upon the children by the sin of separation by their parents … what a blight on our country. One just has to take the long term view and see the damage down to the 3rd and 4th generations as told by some posters on this thread.

“The kids are better off.” Most of the time, that is definitely not true. But people can’t face the truth of what they’ve done to their children so they rationalize it to themselves while their children are thrust into the role of diplomats regardless of whether they can handle it.

This is why my prayers are always for the children in troubled marriages. For they are the ones who get the blunt force trauma in the form of a 2x4 hit on their lives and their spirits in the event of a divorce.

About the poster who said divorce rate is going down? That is most likely because the marriage rate is going down. Fewer people marry leads to fewer people divorcing.

 

[EasterJoy]

Your consternation, and that of others here, might be your confusion of marriage with Holy Matrimony.

marriage is a secular institution bound by contract and man made law.

Holy Matrimony is is sacramental, and a covenant made between man and woman before God.

I am married, that is I entered into a contract, only to fulfill man’s secular law.

However, I received the sacrament to fulfill the will of God, to enter into the covenant, and to receive the sacramental graces which truly makes my loving relationship with my wife a Godly and good thing that cannot ever be cheapened by changes in the view or definition of secular marriage.

It is fair to point out that to defend only sacramental marriage is like defending only the dignity of the baptized. When Christ raised the dignity of marriage between two Christians to a sacrament, that did not lower natural marriage in any degree, any more than baptism lowered the dignity of those not yet baptized.

The Church teaches that even natural marriage has always belonged to the divine plan and is a human right, a relationship of inherent dignity whose nature is beyond the power of human law or custom to alter or abolish. Marriage is what it is, not what we make it, just as human persons are what they are and have the dignity they have, even when they are forced into slavery or other degrading circumstances. The state of marriage now is much like the state of persons in chattel servitude. Its inherent dignity is being obscured by the low regard it is being given and the bad uses to which it is being put. It is also suffering from the misconception that it is an invention of government or that it is owned by society, something that society can mold into something other than what it is, or that can be dropped, according to the whims of intellectual fashion.

 

[Xantippe]

Do you think less people are divorcing, or is it more that less people are getting married?

Both.

As I recall, there was a time when divorce was very much in vogue among all classes. (You can read about this in Kay Hymowitz’s Marriage and Caste in America.) The divorce rate has gone down in the middle class and above while staying high among poorer Americans, who are also doing a lot of unwed childbearing these days. I’ve been elsewhere on the internet where upper middle class liberal women were discussing a fellow woman divorcing just because (Sandra Tsing Loh), and they practically wanted to stone her–it was such a betrayal of the upper middle class child-centered ethos. Your typical upper middle class woman would saw off her own pinkie rather than jeopardize her kid’s shot at Yale.

Middle and upper middle class parents with half a brain know that they won’t be able to support their current nice lifestyle if they double the number of households that the income currently supports and eliminate the economies produced by having two functional parents under the same roof. (The latter is important–it means that if mom has a dental appointment, dad can stay with the baby, and if dad is out of town for business, mom’s home with the kids. Likewise with extracurricular transportation for kids. Replacing that built-in childcare with commercial versions would be extraordinarily expensive.) I remember when we lived in Washington DC looking around my parent peer group at the public school our oldest attended then and realizing that I didn’t know any single middle class parents. It was simply unimaginable to be able to live in DC as a middle class parent–many of our expensive, liberal coastal areas are like that–they require a huge amount of cooperation and coordination between parents for the family to stay afloat.

Now, it might very well be that after kids are launched, a lot of these hyper-conscientious parents will engage the “eject” button, but if one has tolerated a spouse for 20-25 years, one can generally do it for another 20-25.

 

[HerCrazierHalf]

About the poster who said divorce rate is going down? That is most likely because the marriage rate is going down. Fewer people marry leads to fewer people divorcing.

That’s true, but it is part of the long road to repairing marriage IMO. The commitment portion is still wanting, but discerning whether or not to marry seems to be improving since the ones who marry aren’t divorcing as much as before (except the over 50 crowd).

 

[on_the_hill]

About the poster who said divorce rate is going down? That is most likely because the marriage rate is going down. Fewer people marry leads to fewer people divorcing.

Actually, that may or may not be true. The rate is not an absolute number. Fewer people get divorced if fewer people marry, but the *proportion *of people who get divorced is not necessarily influenced by the number of people who are married.

I would expect the divorce rate to go down if fewer people marry because people who choose to marry during a time of declining marriage rates may have a concept of marriage that influences them to stay married.

 

[Xantippe]

Actually, that may or may not be true. The rate is not an absolute number. Fewer people get divorced if fewer people marry, but the *proportion *of people who get divorced is not necessarily influenced by the number of people who are married.

I would expect the divorce rate to go down if fewer people marry because people who choose to marry during a time of declining marriage rates may have a concept of marriage that influences them to stay married.

Yes.

 

[EasterJoy]

Actually, that may or may not be true. The rate is not an absolute number. Fewer people get divorced if fewer people marry, but the *proportion *of people who get divorced is not necessarily influenced by the number of people who are married.

I would expect the divorce rate to go down if fewer people marry because people who choose to marry during a time of declining marriage rates may have a concept of marriage that influences them to stay married.

The ratio between the total number of divorces and the total number of marriages has dropped slightly, but the total number of marriages per capita has also dropped while the number of cohabitating couples has risen. Between 2009 and 2010, for instance, the number of cohabitating opposite-sex couples rose 13%, a very big jump It has been surmised that this might be due to unemployment, where couples conclude they no longer have the money for maintaining two physically separate residences (and presumably not the money for the wedding they desire, either?)
(census.gov/population/www/socdemo/Inc-Opp-sex-2009-to-2010.pdf)

Other researches have proposed that the divorce rate has dropped partly because divorce is expensive and requires each divorcing couple to come up with the money for two separate residences, not to mention the money to pay for attorney fees and court costs.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

About the poster who said divorce rate is going down? That is most likely because the marriage rate is going down. Fewer people marry leads to fewer people divorcing.

It would be interesting to know about the numbers of cohabiting couples who break up. I suspect they are not included in the divorce statistics. But I think there would be value in joining the two for the sake of a broader analysis, in order to see what the situation is in general. The western culture has a big problem with monogamy and permanence, and this very well reflects in the case of co-habiting couples who break up. I know several people who practice serial monogamy as a lifestyle choice.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

IEasy divorce has made a train wreck of our families. And the worst part of it is, the decision of our parents to divorce impacts each and every conversation, visit, and family gathering we have with our family members. It is inescapable. The burden is really on the children to constantly assuage the guilt of the parents, and to make-believe that everything is wonderful in the family, when, in fact, it is tragic.

My situation exactly: both my parents and in-laws are divorced. Their divorce hovers over every Christmas, wedding, baptism, or any other family event. I am sick of it. Their drama must steal the spotlight every time. The worst thing is that in both cases our fathers left our mothers, and they have the nerve to say (and repeat) that if the mothers only accepted the fact that life goes on these events would be much more pleasant.

 

[Xantippe]

It would be interesting to know about the numbers of cohabiting couples who break up. I suspect they are not included in the divorce statistics. But I think there would be value in joining the two for the sake of a broader analysis, in order to see what the situation is in general. The western culture has a big problem with monogamy and permanence, and this very well reflects in the case of co-habiting couples who break up. I know several people who practice serial monogamy as a lifestyle choice.

I haven’t been keeping up with the latest marriage and family stats, but a few years back, the finding was that repeated cohabitations before marriage was extremely detrimental to future marital happiness. A cohabitation is very similar in effect to a previous marriage.

There may be a causation issue there, as people who multiply cohabit may be more flighty and have less good judgment than people who either marry without cohabitation or cohabit only with a future spouse.

Interestingly, this blows up the idea that cohabitation is somehow a good way to “test” a prospective spouse. If that theory were true, it would be the more cohabitations the better (as a sign of a careful person), but back on planet earth, multiple cohabitations are a terrible, terrible sign.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

Interestingly, this blows up the idea that cohabitation is somehow a good way to “test” a prospective spouse. If that theory were true, it would be the more cohabitations the better (as a sign of a careful person), but back on planet earth, multiple cohabitations are a terrible, terrible sign.

I agree. People who make good choices when it comes to choosing a life partner will not break up and move in with someone else over and over again. These theories make no sense and only serve the purpose to support an anti-marriage ideology.

 

[HerCrazierHalf]

The bigger question is being side stepped. Is marriage for everyone?

Up until a handful of years ago it wasn’t for me. Luckily that changed but it seems to me there may be a large number who would be better off not getting married despite previous social norms.

 

[EasterJoy]

The bigger question is being side stepped. Is marriage for everyone?

Up until a handful of years ago it wasn’t for me. Luckily that changed but it seems to me there may be a large number who would be better off not getting married despite previous social norms.

The point is that when a man and a woman form a sexual consort, we believe that according to the best design of human nature, that consort is to be exclusive and for life, a true total joining of their lives and the lives of their descendants. That is natural marriage, not an invention of government or religion.