I feel unworthy of marriage to a good, Catholic woman

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KJ_AZ2NH301

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I’ll try to explain this as best I can, and please bear with me; it’s a long story.

I’m 27 years old, been a Catholic all my life, and have been in and out of relationships since I was 19 or 20. At that same age, I lost my virginity, and as my relationship-hopping would go on, it would only get worse. I must admit that pornography, masturbation, and sexual perversions have attributed to all of what I’m about to disclose.

I would become the alleged father of a miscarried child, so one ex-girlfriend claims; I never found out if it was true, or if it was mine, because she was cheating on me. That caused me to go on to cheat on another girlfriend, and it almost drove me to suicide with my shame.

I did try to return to God and the Church, but in hindsight I realize that it was only to win favor with another girl I was dating. She eventually saw through it, broke up our relationship, and I was furious with God.

With another woman, I impregnated her and she did not want to carry it. At the same time, a sibling had just impregnated his girlfriend (now wife), and I was terrified for myself and what my family would think. To my everlasting shame and despair, I did the lowest and worst thing I’ve ever done in my life; I drove her to where she could abort our baby. I’ve never seen or spoken to her again.

I’ve been to Confession for all of this, and I know that I’ve been forgiven. I know it’s time to move on. But I can’t forgive myself, and worst of all, I feel unworthy.

I feel unworthy of vocation itself; religious or married life. I feel that I can’t even hope to meet, connect with, date, or even think to marry a nice, Catholic woman like my family wants for me. The shame of my sin and all that baggage is weighing me down so much, it’s spiritually crushing me to death.

To death, meaning it’s keeping me from Mass; I can’t bring myself to go. SPIRITUAL death. When I do work up the courage and resolve, I go and I can never hold back tears after receiving the Eucharist. I can hear and feel my soul STARVING for God, but I just can’t do it; I feel so weak.

“The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.”

The more this effects me, the deeper into sin I descend to block this out.

Please, Brothers and Sisters, I need help.
 
In regards to the part about the abortion…

If you are a woman reading this, I feel that as a man, I can never apologize to you enough.
 
The Devil is angry that you reformed and returned to the Church. Now he is trying to keep you from Mass when THE thing that is going to save you is regular reception of the Sacraments of Holy Communion and Confession.

Better start praying to the Blessed Mother, St. Joseph, St. Michael and St. Benedict.

It’s okay to cry after you receive. Lots of us do for various reasons. Sit in a place where you can have a little privacy, take kleenex with you, and cry if you have to.

Just make yourself go. Go every day you can. Don’t just go Sundays, that’s not enough. Go to Adoration too and just sit with Jesus. And pray. Rosaries and Scripture readings. Daily.

As for another relationship, you sound like you have some baggage and perhaps you might want to think about getting some counseling to help you into a better place in your mind so you can figure out what you want and what God wants from you. Not what your family wants, what God wants.

I’ll be praying for you. You just have to get tough and do it. God bless.
 
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You’re striving to what’s right and turn back to God and that’s what matters right now .I think you’ll find real peace in just going quietly and trusting in Jesus,coming back to the sacraments.
God bless you and I’ll pray for you.
 
Dear K,
please do find the courage for Confession, to lay out these things for the forgiveness of God.
Remember the parable of the Prodigal Son, told by Jesus to demonstrate God’s mercy.
And remember, Jesus did not judge or reject the sinful Magdalene. He did not reproach her or His foremost friend Peter who betrayed Him. He gave them hope and new life.
When Peter repented, Jesus reaffirmed his vocation as first pope.

He commissioned the repentant, now devout Magdalene as messenger of His resurrection to His chosen male apostles.

The priest will already have heard innumerable sins of many kinds. Please don’t be afraid to go.

God bless you dear brother in Christ
 
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Tis_Bearself said:
As for another relationship, you sound like you have some baggage and perhaps you might want to think about getting some counseling to help you into a better place in your mind so you can figure out what you want and what God wants from you. Not what your family wants, what God wants.
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And this also.✝️
 
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You were once dead, but now are alive again. You’ve come back to God, and if you’ve been to confession and absolved, you are forgiven!

You are reborn in Christ now. Don’t let the evil one dissuade you! He’ll try to fill you with despair and feelings of unworthiness. But know that you are worthy, that is why Christ died on the cross! Christ yearns for a living relationship with you!

Go, and sin no more, as Our Lord instructed. What matters is you are amending your life! Talk to your confessor, ask for his help. That is what priests are there for. Remember, priests do for free what therapists get paid to do!

It doesn’t matter what you’ve done in the past, you are as deserving as anybody else! You are a son of God, and you are loved by Him. Keep close to God, and do good works in the world around you!

And stay close to the Blessed Virgin, she will certainly help you to grow closer to her Son. And she will keep you intact and good! Entrust yourself to her maternal care, run to her like a child who needs his mother! You’re her son too and she wants to take care of you.
 
I know what I want, and it’s the Catholic family life. I just don’t feel worthy of it. Worse, I’m mortified of my sins showing themselves again in my children.

Worse still, I dread the possibility of having to explain to said children why their sibling isn’t here. How would they ever look at me the same way again?

This is what goes through my mind, and it keeps me from even TRYING to approach a Catholic girl that I would like to get to know.
 
Let me be clear to you, and to everyone here, that what I am about to say applies equally to both sexes. So I am not picking on Catholic women, even though I am a Catholic man.

There will be some, a few, who are searching for perfection — moral, spiritual, financial, whatever, depending on what their own priorities are. They hold out for this until they find it, and quite frankly, some never do. They choose staying single over settling for something less than the perfection they seek. I know of instances.

Most, thankfully, are not seeking after this perfection.

Our Lord is very pleased with you for turning from your past life and seeking holiness and virtue. Be at peace.
 
Then, in a certain way, the problem would not be me? I’m not quite understanding what you mean.
 
The problem is not with you. I was merely trying to illustrate that there are people, of both sexes, who desire such a state of various kinds of perfection in their lives, that they are uncomfortable with someone who does not share that perfection. It is very self limiting and isolating, however, that is their choice and their prerogative. What cannot be gotten around, though, is that by limiting themselves in that fashion, they are reducing their chances of ever being able to find anyone who is good enough for them in their eyes.

Such people need to do a thorough assessment of themselves and ask themselves what THEY bring to the table.

I have in mind, among others, those who are described in the media as so-called “incels” (involuntary celibates). Not infrequently, their vision of the ideal woman for them is far beyond what they could ever hope to achieve. It is called “punching above one’s weight”.

It sounds like you have the requisite social skills and that you would have no problem finding someone who would be interested in you. Thankfully, most people do not perceive themselves as perfect and are content to let the past be precisely that, the past.
 
Your sins are not greater than God’s mercy. Read the Gospel from this past Sunday, the 2nd Sunday of Easter.Divine Mercy Sunday.
 
Young man, I think people here have given you good advice. It may be that you need more time for healing. I think it is a good sign that you take all this seriously.
However, I can’t imagine a reason that you would ever need to tell these details to any children in the future. I’m not even sure how many details you would want to tell a future girlfriend.
Is there some good deed that you could do, maybe for children, that would at least help you turn your lingering guilt and hurt to some constructive purpose?
Best wishes to you – I think you will do fine. It may just take more time.
 
A few things…

I would advise you to keep going to mass. I always found I behaved like a better person when I regularly attended mass. I’d try to analyze why…I couldn’t see the direct cause and effect, but it should have been obvious to me…

One of the good things about Catholic mass is that that you can just go and connect with the rest of the parish when you are ready. Like others have said, maybe take some time to heal as you regularly attend mass.

Another thing, think about the rest of your life. Perhaps pursue a different job that is more meaningful or go back to school to get education that will give you self confidence and more job opportunities. Having this career part of your life be hopeful and meaningful will help other parts of your life…maybe this is relevant. This won’t change overnight, but it is something to also consider.
 
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I got to the part about the abortion and almost cried, however I am pleased that you’ve changed your ways
 
I’ll say a prayer for you. Don’t give up like the Prodigal Son

🙏
 
K,

First off, well done to you! You heard the call and returned to your Father. What happened before then is forgiven and forgotten. “Though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be white as snow” Isaiah 1:18. When we go to confession with a heart full of contrition and determined to never sin again, the Lord forgives all your sins, every last one. There are beautiful stories of repentant sinners who asking God what he made of their sins were told " I remember none", the mercy of God is infinite, deeper than the sea. He makes all things new. What you did is done for, washed clean in the Precious Blood of the Passion. We all make mistakes, we sin constantly but the Catholic life is one of constant repentance. That doesn’t mean that we are forever laden with the guilt of our offences, we learn from our mistakes and resolve never to fall again. Even if we fall again, and again, and again, we are lifted up by Our Lord, but we must co-operate with him. You have to trust in Him and His words. That horrendous guilt you are suffering is the work of Satan. Its a clever ploy to keep you away from the Sacraments and to try and make you despair. Satan though filled his heart with such despair that he thought even God could not forgive him. You must let go of the guilt, break the chains that Satan is using and trust God. I am sure, when you appear before Him, and you ask of your sins, he will answer “I remember none”. Remember, you don’t get to forgive yourself, God forgives us and you don’t get to keep that guilt for it belongs to the God. Read Psalm 51, and every time you sin say it. I say it every single evening.

The best piece of advice I can give you and I beg you to please, please, please heed it; stay close to the Church. Go to Mass, as often as you can, say your rosary daily, wear the Scapular and try to live as best a Catholic life as you can. That is the means of defeating Satan. You will probably fall many times, probably every hour, yet if you keep living a Catholic life, keep close to the Sacraments and keep praying, Satan will be defeated.

I also advise you to seek counselling. Heal your mind and your soul. As well, I’m not entirely sure you would have to go into details regarding what happened in your past. You should tell a girl things that will effect your relationship but these things are in the past now and are no longer relevant to you. If you seek forgiveness from God, and undertake counselling for the trauma you have suffered, then the things in your past might not be relevant. The last thing I would say to you is this. Some girls want ready made saints, Good luck to them. Others know that it is by working together as one that spouses are perfected and made into Saints. Everyone has a past, everyone has baggage, not just you. You will probably find someone who understands your actions and does not judge you for it.

If you want to talk further, PM me and I’ll do my best to answer any questions you have, to the best of my ability. I’m praying for you brother, just trust in God and anytime you feel that guilt say " O Sacred Heart of Jesus, I place all my trust in Thee".
 
KJ_AZ2NH301 said:
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Matt 11
“28 Come to me, all you who labor and are burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am meek and humble of heart; and you will find rest for yourselves. 30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden light.”
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Shame vs guilt. MSW Brené Brown, professor, writes:
Based on my research and the research of other shame researchers, I believe that there is a profound difference between shame and guilt. I believe that guilt is adaptive and helpful – it’s holding something we’ve done or failed to do up against our values and feeling psychological discomfort.

I define shame as the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging – something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection.

I don’t believe shame is helpful or productive. …
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If Jesus were to appear to us right now, he would pick you out of a crowd and embrace you. His mercy is without limits. Don’t despair.

Sexual sins can be beaten. I know how difficult it can be, and it had played a major role in a depression that had brought me to the brink of suicide. Everyday, every moment is a new opportunity. Thank God for your freedom of will.

There is a lot of good advice given here that I won’t echo but I will definitely have you in my prayers.
 
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