I found out my mom might be cheating, what do I do?

[NaturalBorn]

I’m 20 years old in college and work living with my parents. I was using my mother’s laptop a while ago (she lets us use it, but isn’t very tech savy) and stumbled upon a link in the browser on a dating website for married couples, and it was one of the “most viewed websites” furthermore when I looked in the history it looks like she frequently visits the website. I won’t say the name of the website, but it’s definitely a dating website for married couples and it’s slogan is “Life’s short , Have an affair!”

My family is Roman Catholic, both parents, and it worries me now because why would my mom be on married dating website?

This is my dilemma and question, what should I do? I feel in one way that if I were to bring it to my dad, I would be dishonoring my mom in a way and potentially causing them to fight/argue/stress and I don’'t want to be the one that could ruin their marriage, they have been married about 20 years, both are their only marriage (never remarried etc). My dad’s already under a lot of stress in life and he’s very fragile at the moment.

On the other hand, I also feel by not telling my dad, I’m dishonoring him or lying to him, since I’m keeping something secret from him, but as I said he’s already under so much stress with work and mental health issues (he was in the hospital a few weeks ago because he had mental breakdown at work related to stress) and I don’t want to be the one to push things over the top.

I have kind of decided I will just let it be, and that it’s not my business to get into, if it’s meant to get out and be known to my dad, it’ll do so on it’s own and he’ll find out on his own. So at the moment I have been just ignoring it, and if it’s my dad’s meant to find out it will be at another time or by another means, and feel fine with that in my conscience due to the current circumstances.

But what do you think?

 

[Louise75]

Prayer of a Married Couple
Having been united in the holy bonds of Sacred matrimony
We thank you Lord, for all the favours and graces you have bestowed upon us
and we humbly beseech you to make our blessed love an unfailing source of praise
and service to you, a cherished purpose of peace, joy and mutual
affection in our lives, a continuous comfort in the time of trails,a pledge of
our eternal and perfect union in your love in Heaven Amen.

I would approach your mum and ask her to explain herself & give her side
Put in the Hands of God, I hope things can be sorted out

 

[PaulfromIowa]

I would not tell your mother what you saw. She may just visit the site for prurient amusement. Please do not even consider telling your father.

What you can do is help your parents stay close to God and his Church. Be a good example for them in daily prayer and regular attendance to the sacraments.

The only two persons you might consider telling this to might be your pastor and your father’s physician. They might be able to help. Nobody else. You cannot personally heal your parents or their marital issues. Pray for them every day.

 

[lerapt78]

Welcome to the forums.

Firstly, I just want to mention that something that pops up on one’s browsing history is not necessarily indicative of personal desire. If one were to stumble upon websites that I’ve visited in the past, it could certainly make one question what my interests are. For example, I’ve looked at websites that advocate polygamy, misandric and misogynistic views, counter-cultural political ideals, etc. These are, however, topics that I don’t support at all, but rather view to get an idea of what the “opposing side” has to offer in way of argument. Many times I am referred to these sites via links provided on *other *sites that have no affiliation with these groups. In addition, at times I am simply compelled to view them a way that one might slow down their car to gawk at an automobile accident on the side of the road. One may realize that they are going to be disgusted by what they read/see, and yet be drawn to the content anyway. I guess you could call it a morbid curiosity.

That being said, while your mother may not be *seriously *contemplating an affair, I understand this concern of yours. Especially since you claim that she has frequently visited the website. This is a red flag, because even though her mind may object to adultery for practical and moral reasons, her heart could be swayed by repeated exposure to an organization that only promotes the “upside” and selfish gratification of the act. She could over time become desensitized to the immorality of it and even begin to sympathize with and justify her position. Ultimately, your mother has the responsibility to control her temptations, support your father during this time, and do nothing to further risk the unity of the family. Extra-marital affairs only benefit the people engaging in them at the time - unfortunately, they most often harm everyone *else *involved in the extended social circles.

A few other “red flags” to look for: has your mother been changing her appearance lately? Has she been picking unnecessary fights with your father? Is she going out of the house more often, especially during the evening? Taking personal calls in seclusion from everyone else? . . . . . .

My advice would be to bring this up with your mother first. Absolutely do **not **mention this to your father. In the first place, you have no evidence of cheating, aside from her browsing history (that you’ve mentioned). Secondly, you stated that your father had a mental breakdown, and this could cause him to spiral down further (at this time). I absolutely agree that people who are cheated upon have a right to know (if the cheating has been validated), but you would have to consider the timing of telling your father in conjunction with his mental state. Thirdly, if you approach your mother and ask her questions, it could allow for self-reflection on her part as to why she is visiting the website, and might force her to acknowledge the dangers of escapism when situations are bad at home. Hopefully, if she is confronted first, she will be morally forced to choose the Catholic approach to adversity versus the libertine one.

Also, since you mentioned that your father is in an emotionally volatile state at this time, focus as well on supporting him as much as possible. Is there anything you could do to help him? Can you assist with chores that normally fall under his responsibility? Can you simply provide an ear for him? Has he done anything lately that you could praise and show him gratitude for? A little can go a long way, especially in matters of self-esteem.

I will say a prayer for you and your family.

 

[vames]

Why don’t you ask her first about your discovery? If I were you and loved my mother, I definitely won’t talk with my father or with ANY stranger (including priests), but with her. Because I’d be careful to avoid accusing her wrongly. People visit all kind of sites for all kind of reasons. Maybe she was only curious. You don’t know why she visited the site; not everyone who has a dating website on his browsing history has the intention to find a partner.

 

[odile53]

Your mother may have been visiting that site because she is stressed by your father’s illness, and might be looking at those sort of things as a means of escaping reality. He’s getting the treatment he needs, apparently, but short of family therapy, there isn’t much out there for family members of people with psychiatric illnesses.

You might want to give your mom some extra help and attention at this time. Consider a day out shopping and lunch, some extra help around the house, and some generally pleasant activities with her. Unless you see some real evidence (not cyber stuff) of an actual, real-time affair in progress, don’t share or confront her with her browsing history.

And under no circumstances tell your father about what you saw, especially while he is so ill.

 

[Evania]

First of all, although I know the discovery must have been startling, there is no solid evidence of an affair. I wouldn’t approach your dad over this especially since he’s already under stress. I wouldn’t be accusatory toward your mom , but simply tell her what you’ve found.

 

[LegoGE1947]

First of all, although I know the discovery must have been startling, there is no solid evidence of an affair. I wouldn’t approach your dad over this especially since he’s already under stress. I wouldn’t be accusatory toward your mom , but simply tell her what you’ve found.

In school, if you are caught cheating, teacher will tell you to keep your eyes on your own paper, or send you to Principal’s office, or make you sit in the corner, or write on the chalkboard “Cheating isn’t nice” 200 times. ( You may have to wait until Archbishop Sheen is through using the chalkboard though)