takes deep breath
This is about the third re-telling of my conversion experiance and whole ordeal regarding homosexuality, etc.
Anyhow, when I was 16 years old, only a few years ago, I, too, went through a similiar ordeal. I have had same-sex attractions since I was 12 or so, as soon as I hit puberty, I think. Anyhow, during those years up until I turned 16, I masturbated twice every day and looked at pornography whenever my family was out of the house. I also never missed an opportunity to engage in impure thoughts.
sigh it wasn’t good. And while I knew that pornography was definately wrong, I didn’t think that homosexuality was at all. I also believed that the catholic church thought homosexuality was OK too. But, at that time, I didn’t even know what the catechesim of the catholic church was.
But during the summer in between my freshman and sophomore year of high school I found myself questioning my role in life. I tried to figure out what it was that I wanted to do with my life. I was trying to find out who I really was. I never second guessed that I was gay, that was a given. I also decided that God didn’t exist for various logical reasons as well as the fact that most churches said homosexuality was wrong.
Through various long and complicated reasons, my parents found out that I had told a few friends I was gay. I’m still struggling with what my parents said to me in the days that followed - they were unloving, even hateful. Their bad representation of catholicism definately was a stumbling block. They didn’t know anything about the pornography, but they did ground me from every activity but Church indefinately (it lasted for 2 years or so). One good thing came out of it though: my parents forced me to go to our parish youth group. And, to my suprise, I loved it. On my first retreat, I had an extremely intense conversion experiance where I basically told God that no matter what, I would follow him. Period. I am his for he to make me me what he wants to make me. That included not acting out on the same-sex attractions that I felt - at all. No imure thoughts or anything. I was committed to holiness.
Maybe your experiance will be different than mine, but boy was it tough. I was stuck in my ways and it was very difficult from going from “I am gay and will do what I please” to “I am a child of God doing what God pleases.”
However, now, I am at a level of peace and joy that … is exhilerating, at times. Edwin can tell you that I do have “low” times, for sure, but at least it’s interesting. While I do have same sex attractions, they are significantly less than before.
My point is that there is absolutely hope. While you must take your cross, I think that you will find that “his yoke is easy and his burden light.” It’s a great paradox of life that while struggling with sin is hard, it is also extremely rewarding and joyous.
Prayer is absolutely critical. The best way to move along that path of holiness is to stay in a constant communication with Jesus at all times. It should be a constant goal to just keep talking to Jesus at all times. I have found that frequent use of confession has helped indeed. Also, keep learnign about your faith! If your parish has a youth group, get involved. If there is a parish in a nearby town with a youth group, get involved in that parish. Good, catholic friendships are critical.
I also have felt the call to become a priest. I really don’t understand why some people have said that those with homosexual inclinations are not called to the priesthood.
I hope I have helped!.
Avail yourself of the two repeatable Sacraments (Confession and Eucharist) as often as you can, and trust in God’s mercy.
. Oh well, i’ll try again.