I had pre-cana weekend with fiance and we have questions about premarrital sex?

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SeekingGod

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Hi everyone,

I was born and raised Catholic, my fiance is christian from another denomination but attends catholic mass with me. Basically we attended a pre cana weekend and it has raised some questions for us about premarrital sex-namely is it beneficial to stop? (Oct wedding).

Optional background: I was raised catholic and kinda fell out of the formal faith. I believed in God but not the Faith, was just seeking to be what I believed to be a good person. At my farthest point from God I moved in with and married an atheist. We had a child and then when the kid was 17 months he walked out. Went through a period of learning, self exploration and rebuilding. I learned A LOT and made choices I am not proud of. God become more important but not as impirtant as he should be. Eventually I met my fiance. About 6 months in I got pregnant (we were talking about getting married by that point) not really intended but we were both also happy to accept the new addition to the family. Got engaged and we opted to wait until our son was over a year to get married–we had our reasons.

Had our healthy son and I started seeking to get closer to god and praying about it. A string of really cool things happened that made it really evident god was working in my life (came back from maternity to a vastly different job that prompted me to go back to college, after enrolling I found out it was a Christian school with a mandated Christian worldview class that taught me what a Christian worldview really looks like and why. Lots of why. Kept praying and more stuff along those lines happened).

So. We recently had precana and I learned more about the premarrital sex reasons and some of it is sticking. It has us talking about it…but it just seems like, at this point when we have had it, have a kid together and are raising 2, and our wedding is 4 months away, is there any point to stopping now? Genuine question. I am most receptive to well worded and considerate answers. I’m very much a logic personality. I am prone to getting defensive and shutting down with overly accusing statements. I won’t tell anyone off, it just tends to make me shut down.
 
Yes, you should stop having sex until your wedding.

The idea is to not commit sin. Your past does not matter, your future intentions do.
 
It doesn’t seem like stopping would salvage any of what we messed up. That is kinda what we are stuck on.

We’ve agreed that when we get married if we keep having sex then nothing really changes or becomes special about the wedding. But if we stop does that “save” the specialness of getting married? I do not know if I am making sense but it is a conversation we are taking seriously I just can’t put it to words where we are being held up.
 
You stated that you attended Pre-Cana together. That causes me to assume you have fully returned to the Catholic Faith and have been reconciled. Is that correct?
 
If you accept the teaching that you should not have sex with someone to whom you are not married, that is the reason to stop until you are married. It isn’t about changing the past or making the upcoming marriage special. It’s about following Christian sexual morality.
If you believe tha it is okay to have sex with someone to whom you are not married, that is not a good indicator for your future marriage.
 
I am working my way back as I learn.

We attend catholic mass together with the 2 kids. We say bedtime stories. I have been praying for god to help me find a way for a personal relationship with him. Since the pre cana we have begun praying as a couple. In the workshop we had an exercise in sorting priorities and we picked the same 5 “stones” and we agreed that god should be first then each other then the kids then financial stability/careers then health. We just find a hard time figuring what exactly putting god first looks like for us. Things need to make sense, like don’t do this because I said so or because of the 10 commandments did not really work when I was younger and does not really work well now. The Christian worldview class did more for my faith than anything because it made everything make sense. I need this to make sense so that I can have the resolve to do it.
 
SeekingGod said:
Basically we attended a pre cana weekend and it has raised some questions for us about premarrital sex-namely is it beneficial to stop? (Oct wedding).
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Beneficial to your soul: absolutely. Because this is a sin against the sixth commandment. Honor God and his plan for marriage now that you have grown in your faith. Put that faith into action in small things as well as large.
SeekingGod said:
but it just seems like, at this point when we have had it, have a kid together and are raising 2, and our wedding is 4 months away, is there any point to stopping now?
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Yes. If you want to please God and grow in holiness honor his commandments.

It doesn’t matter if you have committed a sin 1000 times. Don’t make it 1001.
 
Welcome home! It’s great that you are asking these questions!

Think of it this way. Each act of sex outside marriage is a sin. So continuing to have sex outside of marriage is continuing to sin. It’s not about making the marriage night special or erasing your past. It’s about deciding whether you want to continue sinning.

An analogy might be that a person eats a triple cheeseburger with bacon every day for lunch and dinner. One day that person has a heart attack and their doctor says no more triple cheeseburgers. At this point, stopping eating the burgers does not heal the heart by itself but it does reduce further damage from being done.
 
Thank you jlc2k2. Maybe the hold up for my fiance and myself is that in the precana we came to see the pros of abstinence in terms of why sex between married couples should be special and less of why sex between non married couples is wrong. Therefore, couples should wait until marriage because sex is such a powerful and intimate thing. God’s law therefore makes sense in that everyone should wait to habe sex because it is powerful and intimate when used the way that god intended. But then there is that huge glaring problem of “well we already did it so now what?” So if it is a sin because it diminishes meaning and intimacy then why is it still a sin if that was already done?

I am not trying to debate. Genuinely seeking answers and you seem the most interested in explaining beyond just “it is a sin, do not do it.” I see some effort in your post on this.
 
Specific paraphrases were:

In a class taught by the writer of the curriculum a pupil asked “what’s the difference between sex now and sex in a few months when married?” And he said “exactly.”

Then he described it as a very intimate love that is like a man literally pouring himself into his wife. So the power and intimacy of it really showed through.

That is what has me open to the concept of considering these types of questions. Ok those types of explanations really made sense and struck a cord.
 
SeekingGod said:
I’m very much a logic personality.
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Yeah…that has the potential to be a problem with some of the Teachings of the Church - at least that’s been my experience.

At some point you’ll just have to decide if you are going to go with, “This is a requirement that The Church imposes on me as a practicing Catholic” or if you are going to go with, “The Church requires this of Catholics, but it doesn’t make sense to me in my circumstances, so I’m not going to do that.”
 
Techie OR the church teaches this, let me go and seek some more information in it.
 
Well, for one, you would have to confess all the pre maritial relations with a priest right before the wedding so you can be in a state of Grace to receive The Eucharist. But if you are not genuinely sorry (which continuing to have sex indicates) then the confession might not be valid and also you are being presumtuious of God’s forgiveness to continue doing what you want and just confessing it later. That is another sin that can be grave matter. Why put yourself in that kind of danger to your soul? What is a 4 month wait?
 
I have had my mind changed when things are presented in a clear way. I changed a LOT after the Christian worldview class. My fiance and I adapted several new practices and discussed several more on things we would like to do during and after the pre cana. The stuff I have adapted are much more meaningful to me now than “because the church said so” and enables me to defend my faith now. When my kids ask me questions about my faith I will be able to give them more than “because the pope says so,” “because the bible says so,” or because “that’s the rule.” (Which were the answers given to me. It is important to understand and there are many benefits to understanding.
 
Sin breaks our relationship with Christ. The relationship between we, the Church, and Christ is oft presented in marital terms.

Think of it in earthly terms, what would break our marriage relationship? Having an affair? Lying to your spouse?

If that were the case, as the damage to the relationship has already happened, why not just keep at the affair or the lies?
 
You wouldn’t keep the affair or lies because you love your spouse. It is hard to hurt someone you lobe and have a personal relationship with. Some weak people would turn and run from the marriage altogether whether than fight for it. A good, worthy person would realize they are hurting the person they love and work towards repairing the relationship.
 
Also, the spouse probably would not put up with a continuing affair once the cat is out of the bag so co buying a healthy marriage AND the affair would most likely not be an option.

Let’s keep going with it though. Can the marriage subsequently return to being strong? I like to look at things in terms of how they apply to my ability to develop a personal relationship with God - Which i have never had a personal relationship, more abstract-- house it impacts my relationship with my fiance, and my kids. Because usually things impact all 3.

As I learn, it usually seems that things done according to God’s plan are also best for me and fiance, and what keeps me and fiance strong is beneficial to my kids because or relationship provides them stability and a good relationship for them to model when they begin looking for a spouse.
 
SeekingGod said:
I am working my way back as I learn.
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Thank you for replying. I only ask to know where you are in your journey. Picking the big items (5 stones) together is wonderful and I’m sure will help you grow together.

The comment / analogy @jlc2k2 gave is a good way to think about the situation. Chastity according to one’s vocation is a teaching of the Church and sex outside of a sacramental bond is sin. I’m hesitant to provide any links or comments because, if you are reasoning this out, you will need to find those that touch you. Welcome home and congratulations on an upcoming marriage.
 
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