Originally posted by mslizzie: Please bear with me. I know this sounds really crazy but believe it or not, I had felt this way. I don’t like to feel that way but I just couldn’t control my emotion at times.
I may sound pathetic at the moment, but can someone please assure me that I am really not in that place of everlasting punishment and that I still have a chance to enter the Kingdom of Heaven?
I apologize for the bizarre thoughts.
I’ve never “come out” on this forum, but I have Type II, Borderline Type-I, Rapid Cycling Bipolar Disorder. Surprise!
Don’t feel bad for bizarre thoughts. I have them regularly, in fact, every day. Life for a bipolar is half fantasy, half reality.
Though we have separate illnesses, there are areas where Schizophrenia and Bipolar Disorder overlap, such as auditory and visual hallucinations.
For instance, I once saw a six-foot demon dressed in a black feather boa standing in my living room after being given an anti-psychotic (as an experiment). We were trying to find an alternative to Lithium. I can’t take anti-psychotics apparently.
I also saw the Devil that same evening. Nice, huh? I flipped him off! ROFLOL!!!
I take Lithium and it gives me 50 to 80% control, but I still see-saw, especially after two friends of mine committed suicide this past year.
Before the suicides, I was only taking Omega-3 Fatty Acids to control the BP. (Yes, I went off the LIthium). You can control
mild BP with a special formula of Omega-3’s. But, what they don’t tell you is that Omega-3’s aren’t strong enough to block an acute attack and they also don’t control Type I’s. The shock of my friend’s suicides nearly put me over the edge.
I went back on Lithium over Christmas.
But now, after the last attack, (after the suicides) the illness has gotten worse. The mood swings now bleed through the medication. (BP is a progressive illness).
I went through a huge purgation in my spiritual life about 5 years ago. Learning to control sin has given me the mental training to control the Bipolar Disorder.
The medications take care of 50 to 80 percent. I do the rest.
For instance, right now, I’m dipping into a bad depression. I cried myself to sleep last night for no reason. I feel angry. I feel deep inner despair. Example:
I presently have thoughts that no matter what I do, I’m going to Hell anyway and that Mass, Confession and all of the sacraments are probably a waste of time. God doesn’t love me. No mercy exists for those borne damned.
Yes. I agree. Such thoughts are unhealthy.
I’ve had enough mental training to recognize that the thoughts in italics are generated by the illness (which I have named LIZARD). I can choose to embrace what Lizard tells me, or I can tell Lizard to go back into his cave (which is somewhere in my hippocampus) and crochet something large.
I choose the latter.
And yeah, once upon a time, eons ago, I poured 90 Xanax pills into my hand and stared at them, contemplating swallowing them all at once. The only thing that stopped me was my love for Jesus.
This will sound strange, but I like being Bipolar. How do you think Catholic Digital Studio (my website) got assembled so fast? I was MANIC (technically hypomanic) when writing most of the original HTML code! I actually don’t recall putting the library section together. (Memory loss can occur with manias).
Lizard gives me great inspirations. He’s artistic. He can write. He thinks up wild stories.He can paint. He has a near-photographic memory. During my hypomanic swings, my IQ increases by at least 20 points. If people knew the positive side of this illness, I think everyone would pray to be Bipolar.
And don’t ask me why he is male. I am female.
On the same note though, I really hate the depressions. I’m just riding this one out, hoping no one notices. In fact, I got a compliment while shopping at Staples the other day. One of the store associates told me, “Oh, I didn’t see you back here. You just blend right in with the surroundings. May I help you?” I thought blending in was cool.
Anyway, my Lizard is a gekko/iguana dressed in tye-dye, donned in Tom Cruise sunglasses who lives in the middle of my brain. He is the webmaster of my emotions and controls a huge switchboard. Lizard is naughty though. He gets bored and turns on sinful music (such as Def Leppard or Metallica) and dances around, toying with my emotional switchboard for his own amusement.
Lizard is a personification of my bipolar disorder. He’s not actually real. Don’t misunderstand.
There is no “why” with regard to Lizard. Everything he generates: the wierd thoughts, the manias and the depressions is done only because he’s bored and he’s trying to amuse himself.
My solution many times has been to give Lizard something to do. Catholic Digital Studio was one of Lizard’s projects. Another project is my autobiography, which I’ll resume writing once I’m manic again. (I’m one of the rare cases of someone being Bipolar from infancy. The book is about bipolar disorder and my conversion). I also am in the middle of two paintings. Have a huge garden. Again, I stay busy.
Being bipolar
feels like having two human wills. That’s probably heresy. HA!
But seriously. A Bipolar person is born with one human will and over time, with environmental triggers, the will
seems to move apart from itself, until one day it is two wills. Those wills are antagonistic or synergistic or not interacting (baseline). Again, I emphasize, this is what it feels like. It is, like Lizard, a conception to help me understand myself. The reality is … who knows? It’s probably heretical.
There is even an old psychology theory that Bipolar disorder is a splitting of the ego. I’ll have to read more on that though. I’m unsure.
That said, I am Lizard. Lizard and I are one. How can we be separate but one? I dunno! Am I still responsible for stuff done by Lizard. You betcha!!!
Anyway, you’re not alone.
God bless you for being so brave! Hang in there.
– Mary Ann
. At least I can keep a sense of humor about it, sometimes.
…most however are truly wonderful people who have managed to climb out of bed on the right side
. And one tries to ensure oneself that one gets out of bed right side!