My friend, I am so sorry to hear of this.
I will keep you in my prayers.
Try to remember that there are two sides vying for our souls: God and Satan. Only one of them works in feelings of despair, darkness, discouragement, and depression…
By deciding to even entertain the idea of the Priesthood, you have now become a much more visible target to the enemy in this battle; you have risen your head to peek above the trenches and climbed out with all the other brave men who decide to discern their proper vocational calling, be it the Priesthood or not.
Perhaps it is towards Priesthood, or perhaps towards married or single life. Do you trust in the Lord and press forward, trusting He will lead you where He needs you to go? Do you give your life over to Him? Or are you going to retreat like the enemy wants you to? Are you going to abandon He who holds your life in hands out of fear of the one who seeks to take your life away?
Now the bullets are whizzing and snapping by, and you are doubting why you left the trenches, why you were even in the trenches in the first place, and whether your participation in this battle is even necessary. What do you do now?
Trust in the Lord, trust in His will, and press on. Resist ever going backwards, but instead keep stepping forward to where He is leading. Feel lost? Don’t know where you are supposed to be going? Feel like you are in the wrong place? Then just stop, find cover and get out of range of what the enemy is throwing at you… drop to your knees, and lower your head… PRAY.
Reassess your situation and your surroundings. Where was the last place He told you to go? Have you gotten there yet? Is the reason why haven’t you heard anything from Him because you haven’t yet gone where He wanted you to go, where He called you to? Did the enemy onslaught drive you somewhere else or cause you to retreat? Can you not hear Him because you haven’t stopped the noise and the calling to Him long enough to listen for Him in the silence?
Trust in Him, trust in His will, and press on towards where He called you to go. Once you get there and when He has determined the time is right, you will then get your next move.
I highly suggest that you look into writings of the saints, like
Dark Night of the Soul by St. John of the Cross.
In this hour of darkness, it is crucial to persevere in your faith, your prayer, and spiritual devotions. We must be vigilant in ensuring that our relationship with God is not just something we do because of the consolation, good feelings, and peace we feel from it.
The danger is that if we are doing them based on the joy or gratification they bring us, then there is a terrible risk of us abandoning our spiritual life when we don’t get the joy or gratification out of it that we expect.
This kind of perspective transforms our spiritual life from one of love for our Lord into one of “lust” because we are then only in it for what we get out of it: on fire and embracing it when we feel reassured, consoled, and at peace, and neglect it when we experience suffering, difficulties, and dryness or if we don’t get what we want out of our relationship with Him.
It is when we persevere through the “dark night” times, those times when prayer feels like an obligation rather than a joy, when the silence is painful, when the loneliness is crushing, and when the doubt is mounting, that we truly show our love and devotion to the Lord in an unconditional way; that we love Him and not just the feelings we get from Him.
It is then that we show that we are more than just fair weather followers who abandon His will whenever we don’t feel the consolation we crave in our spiritual life.
Go back to your seminarian friend and reengage with him, work with a spiritual director to navigate these feelings, and don’t give up! Look to the saints who have also suffered dark nights.
I will leave you with these quotes from St. Ignatius of Loyola and St. John of the Cross:
“After you have made a decision that is pleasing to God, the Devil may try to make you have second thoughts. Intensify your prayer time, meditation, and good deeds. For if Satan’s temptations merely cause you to increase your efforts to grow in holiness, He’ll have an incentive to leave you alone.” - St Ignatius of Loyola
“Never give up prayer. . . and should you find dryness and difficulty, persever in it for this very reason.
God often desires to see what love your soul has, and love is not tried by ease and satisfaction.” - St. John of the Cross
