This is kind of just a rant. Sorry if that offends anyone. If you don’t like it, do not read it.
I just spend hours fighting intense temptation to sin mortally. It finally passed, Thanks be to God. Why was I going through temptation for so long? Because I am here alone bored out of my mind. I am lonely. I never use to get lonely, but now I do.
I cannot get help it seems. I also suffer from Scrupulosity. It is torture. I have not had more than a day or two’s peace in a row for the past 4 months. Nobody to talk to about it either. I think I might be OCD but I am not sure. I told my mother and all she did was dismiss it. Reminds me of the time that I was using drugs heavily for about 5 years and all my mother said about it was “Are you almost done with what you are doing?” LOL. No help. Just those words. No attempt to help. Why? Because she knew I would be okay eventually… I am almost 7 years clean so she was right… but still. Thanks for the support… I had NO SUPPORT!!! I did alright without it. But I need it now. Not from my Mom . I am 30. What I want is a wife to support and be supported by. But I am single and have no prospects of getting married any time soon.
8 days ago in confession a priest told me that to receive communion while in doubt about the status of a sin we may have committed IS a mortal sin. In other words… I have to confess every single doubtful sin. That is what I heard. How else can his words be taken? The problem is I am always unsure if I am in a state of grace. How can I be 100% sure that something I judge as venial is not in fact mortal? I cannot. I can have a rough Idea but How can I be 100% certain? If I have even a slight doubt about something, my mind grabs onto it and I can spend all day thinking about it. That is just how my mind works. How can I be expected to never be in any doubt at all when I receive communion? So now I have not taken communion for 2 weeks. I emailed my priest 6 days ago to get his opinion on all this but I am yet to get a answer. I have emailed a religious order today asking if any of their priests that might be competent in dealing with scrupulosity can give me spiritual direction. I hope I get a answer.
I lost over 100lbs By myself with my grandparents always telling me that I could cheat on my diet and start tomorrow. Thanks a lot!! Though I forgive them, it was their fault I got so fat. When A kid is fat, you do not blame the kid. I Tried to go on a diet about every week in elementary school. I did not have the will power to stick with a diet until I was 16. I also prayed every night while on that diet. I got over my drug problem with The help of God. It was a tough habit to kick. Nobody held my hand. I did not need help. I did not need to talk about my feelings. I just stopped.
But I need someone to talk to now. I cannot solve this scrupulosity problem on my own. I have come to accept that I will not have support from family in pretty much anything significant when it comes to emotional stuff. I hope I get a response from my priest and The religious order. I need help. Receiving communion was a great joy that I now am terrified to do. Other than my job, I have no other joy in my life anymore. Religious things are starting to only cause me stress. I know that is not how God intends it to be. This is something I really need help with and I admit for the fist time in my life that I need to talk to someone about it. Pray for me please.