I just had a big fight with my husband

[redtech]

I don’t know what to do… I know this is bad and I love him, but sometimes I wish I’d be better off if he was dead.

My husband has been really inconsiderate for quite a while. I finally had enough and called him on it this morning and we had a blow out.

I work full time. My husband works full time too but right now he’s getting off around 2pm.

In the morning he gets DS ready while I get myself and DD ready. This is the most help he is all day.

My work and daycare are in the same town. Our house and DHs work are in another town. (30 minute drive). When I leave, I drop both the kids off at daycare.

I go and work my 8 hours; pick up the kids; drive home; start dinner while trying to entertain kids; fix a plate for me and the kids; play with them for about 10 or 15 minutes; start the bath; lay out clothes for next day and pajamas; put the kids in the bath; try to get them dressed quickly so nobody gets cold; Send DD out of the bedroom while I put DS to bed (they have to share a room); play a game with DD and read her a story or 3; put DD to bed; clean up the kitchen; make my lunch for the next day; pump some breastmilk; collapse into bed.

Here is what DH does: Gets off work around 2. Plays a few games of cards with the guys uptown; drinks a coke with some other guys; gets home before me and watches tv; after I get home, he watches more tv; Dinners ready? Oh good, I’ll fix a plate for myself, maybe I’ll just eat in front of the tv; plays a computer game while ignoring family; kids are in bed, watches more tv until after DW goes to bed; snores all night really loud.

To top this off this week he’s done two other things that really got to me.

1. He took a picture of DD on his cellphone and sent it to his mom. She emailed ME to thank him for it. I knew nothing about it. I don’t mind that he sent it to her but I’M their mother. Didn’t he think I might like to see it TOO??? That really hurts. I can see where I rate. He doesn’t go out of his way to call her but she calls him almost every night (on his cell phone) and he’ll have a long conversation about everything with her. He won’t even talk about the weather to me.
2. We have well water. I refuse to drink it. Its nasty. He refuses to have it tested. We buy bottled water to drink. I also buy jugs of water to keep in the fridge so we normally pour glasses of that, and I take a bottled water with me everymorning to have on the way to work. Last night I noticed there was only one left. I was going to put some in this morning after I took the last one out. DH NEVER drinks bottled water. He always drinks Cokes. But he’s very aware of what I do with the water. This morning, the last bottle was gone. I had nothing to eat my breakfast with. He told me to put one in the freezer… This was 5 minutes before I had to be out the door.

Anyway, we rarely ever fight. I always just roll over and let him keep treating me like ****. I will NOT fight or argue in front of the kids. (however, when I asked him if he took the last water and he said he did I said “gee, thanks aLOT” and my DD put her hand on her hip and said “Thanks aLOT, daddy” it was pretty cute) So after I got the kids dropped off and I was still in the car, I called him and we “talked”.

I asked him why he was so inconsiderate and selfish. He kept saying he “just forgot to put more water in there” I replied that that is exactly what “inconsiderate” means. I never heard an I’m sorry. Before anyone jumps my case, its not all about the water, he “just forgets” to do lots of stuff. I told him this was the straw that broke the camels back. He was going to start helping me around the house from now on. He’s told me in the past that he’ll do anything I want. He honestly TOLD me to nag him. He said this again today so I informed him that I’m not his mother, if he needs something that needs to be done, then he needs to be an adult and do it. I’m not going to nag him. So he says “like what?” I said how about putting the dirty dishes in the sink, or throwing the kids clothes in the hamper?

Then the water works started and I asked him why he thought to send those pics to his mom and not me? He snapped at me and said “they’re just pictures! I knew she would like them” like I don’t care about pics of my own kids??? so I flipped on him and said “well, I guess I see where I rate, mother-bleeper” and I hung up.

I know cussing at him wasn’t the solution but I have a bad temper. About 2 hours later, he sent me the pictures on my cell. I took a picture of my hand flipping the bird and I almost sent that to him, but I didn’t!

~continued below~

 

[redtech]

I’m frustrated and tired of being put at the bottom of the pile. I feel he really takes me for granted and shows me no respect. I’ve finally quit showing him any too.

This has been building up ever sice we got married. This is the worst fight we’ve ever had. I don’t think I’ve ever been this mad at him.

We’ve talked about how he goes out and does things all the time while I’m home with the kids and he tells me to go whenever I want, but I know he’d just put DD in front of a tv and ignore DS crying OR have his mom come over to “play” with them while he watched tv.

Quick side story - right around the time DS started pulling up on stuff, I went to get groceries and left him home with the kids. 2 hour trip. When I came home, DS was standing up by his toy box crying his poor little eyes out. I ran over and DH says “He’s been crying for a long time. He stands up and can’t figure out how to get back down so I’ve just been letting him try to figure out how to get down himself” DS’s finger was pinched in a toy. He was standing there crying and hurting and my lazy POS stupid jerk of a loser husband had the volume on his tv turned up to drown out his baby boys cries.

X a million

sorry this is long. I really needed to vent it out. I don’t know what’s going to happen when I get home.

 

[sanctareparata]

Omigosh. I don’t even know what to say. But reading all that just broke my heart, most especially about Christopher’s having his finger stuck in a toy and your dh just ignoring him for who knows how long?..

Kinda makes me sick.

I am SO sorry. I will pray for you; I really have no advice because I just don’t even know what to say…I wonder if you shouldn’t start nagging him. Maybe his mother does and he expects you to be like her.

 

[daeve]

Wow. You’re pretty hot under the collar. Take a deep breath and try not to strangle him.

Have you talked to him about HIM picking up the kids or starting dinner? Asked him to do the bedtime routine for one and you do the other? Does he do a physical job while you sit at a desk, hence thinking he’s more tired than you are? Did his mother treat him like the crown prince?

I’d forget about the picture and the water. Thoughtless, but trivial. Make sure you have water in the refrigerator before you go to bed at night.

It’s not uncommon when you have little kids for the wife/mother to be totally overwhelmed and the husband/father feel like he’s not part of the team. Is it possible for a nice little heart to heart without any yelling? You both need to understand what’s happening in the other one’s head, and make an effort to pull together.

How about some counselling? You can go even if he won’t…yeah, I know, where do you find the time? But even if all you learn are some coping skills, you’ll be ahead.

Some curt advice from a divorced person…the rest of your life is a long time to be alone, so don’t make any rash decisions. I know I’m better off without my ex-bully, but there have been times in the last 20 years that I could have used someone in my corner.

 

[daeve]

Omigosh. I don’t even know what to say. But reading all that just broke my heart, most especially about Christopher’s having his finger stuck in a toy and your dh just ignoring him for who knows how long?..

Kinda makes me sick.

I am SO sorry. I will pray for you; I really have no advice because I just don’t even know what to say…I wonder if you shouldn’t start nagging him. Maybe his mother does and he expects you to be like her.

I forgot the part about the finger. THAT was a very big deal. Poor baby. Pop needs to straighten his head out about his responsibilities when he’s alone with the kids. That needs to be a non-negotiable item.

 

[kresbrook]

That was quite a vent, and I hope you feel better. I know I always do after a good vert

I do think that you need to have a calm sit down about what you both want from family life. Write things down before you sit down and go through them one by one. Such as:

1. Family dinner
2. Taking turns giving baths
   etc…
   A lot of women I know (me included) try to do everything around the house and take care of everyone. It’s part of how we show how much we care and love our family. However, many husbands think that this is the way we want it. My husband used to say “well I thought you wanted it done a certain way and I didn’t want to goof it up”. I really don’t care how the dishwasher is loaded, as long as it’s loaded!! But these things need to be discussed.

It sounds like he is willing to help, but maybe feels that someone needs to be commander in chief, and he assumes that’s you. Figures you will tell him what you want him to do, and what his responsibilities are. Might sound silly to you (I’m a “if you see it, do it person too”) but that might be where he’s coming from.

Good Luck - I will pray for you.

P.S. Don’t dwell on the picture thing. My inclination is that it really isn’t a big deal to you, it’s just that on TOP of everything else, it was a big deal. Deal with the “everything else” first. Ditto on the water.

 

[argon091076]

Sorry you are going through this. There are some days that we go through some ruff situations in this world. It is not nice at all, but let me tell you, based on what I read, I just think you need to take a break. You are burned out and that made you explode.

Have you talked to him about staying at home and him becoming the only provider?

I really think that it would be the best thing to do.

I am sure you would be giving up your income, but if you really sit down and calculate how much is spent eating out, gasoline (going to and from work and daycare…etc…), and not to mention, your energy and time, which are both priceless, you’ll be surprised at how much is spent.

What is worth more to you and primarily to your DH and children? Working or staying at home? A happy Mom is a happy home!

If the Mother is not happy the home is not happy.

Now, about your MIL, it seems that he needs to cut the “umbilical cord”. You are his wife and you should be first to him just he should be first to you.

One priest once said that he was going to say something that might bother many people, but that once he said it that it was going to bother many many more. This is what he had to say.

“We spent most of our lives caring for the secured people around us than for the insecured…” (i.e., we care more for our relatives like Mom, Dad, Brother, Sister, than we care for our spouse). Our Mom, Dad, Brother, Sister will always be our Mom, Dad, Brother, Sister…our spouse is not. Why? Well, when have we ever heard someone say ‘Oh!, look! there goes that man over there…he was my father for 30 years…’

“The weakest love that exists is the love between a couple.” This is why it need to be cared for like a plant. The more you care for it the better and stronger it will be. There are certain plants that dont need much care from us. I really dont remember one right now, but I do know that they exist and those represent our Mom, Dad, Brother, Sister…etc.

No matter what, our Dad, Mom, Sister, Brother…will always be that…your Dad, Mom, Sister, Brother. I talk to my parents a couple of times a week and so does my DH to his mom. We see them once a week…try doing that with a spouse and he/she will not be there waiting…he/she will leave…you lose the spouse.

You and your husband need to understand this. If you do, you will be succesful in your marriage.

Now, if one pays close attention to the wedding vows. We can see what this priest refers to…

They say something like

“_____, will you have this man to be your husband, to live together in the covenant of marriage? Will you love him, comfort him, honor and keep him, in sickness and in health, and forsaking all others, be faithful to him as long as you both shall live?”

The part I am referring to is “forsake”

 

[kresbrook]

I agree with argon091076 on the job point.

Really look at how important your income is. I too work full time, and wish I would have seriously looked at staying home with my kids. Don’t assume you have to work. With your husband decide what works best for your family, but give it serious consideration. I always assumed I needed to work full time, and bought into societies message that I needed to work to be fulfilled.

This doesn’t mean that I would have quit working, but it would be nice to know that I did in fact really NEED to work, and that it was a decission that both my husband and I made.

 

[mariam1976]

i know the feeling and i also know that we women enable them by not speaking out… have a heart to heart chat with him and expect him to do the things that are on his chore list…

if they are not done, dont fret about it… just go to bed without doing it… and dont expect it to be perfectly done… just done…

 

[Zahmir]

I am really not able to give much advice into the situation, I’m not even married yet… but perhaps removal from the situation and marriage in general might be helpful to you.

I can’t express how sorry I am for what’s going on in your house at the moment. There seems to be some deep-seated issues going on that no “quick-fix solution” is going to solve.

However, perhaps in order to make things more palatable until then, I offer you some rather plain advice

I think you should take comfort in that your husband seems at least willing to contribute to the household: he said that he wanted you to nag him about the stuff he needs to do. Of course, you did the best thing and told him that you don’t need to be his mother, he needs to be responsible. But I think we need to focus on this particular area, because it seems to me to be the most promising.

Redtech, it sounds to me that your husband needs to learn how to live responsibly and independently. He needs to learn how to grow up and be a man and having set tasks for him to do around the house can contribute to a “responsible mentality.” If he truly wants to help, he’ll do these tasks and he’ll attempt to do them well. If he fails, or does his job sloppily, don’t get angry. But lovingly remind him of how thankful you are that he is helping out around the house…

Even things like water, and the children… it could be beneficial just to talk things over calmly and see how he might be able to make some changes for you and the kids. I can sense that a LOAD of stuff has been building up and so your frustration might be overwhelming, but it is imperative that you talk to him calmly and sincerely about these frustrations and how you wish things could be better.

Ideally, as time goes on, he’ll learn what he has to do on his own and take the initiative in taking care of the kids, buying water, getting the well water tested, etc. It will take time; it sounds like you have a lot of work ahead of you, but you married this man for a reason, you saw something in him that perhaps he didnt’ even realize himself. But every man needs a good woman to straighten him out and make him the best man he can be.

It sounds like you’re a caring wife and a loving mother, your husband should be proud. I’ll be praying for you, and don’t you give up praying either.

 

[argon091076]

Praying the rosary does miracles!

Do it! It takes about 15-20 minutes (maybe less).

Here is the link

rosary-center.org/howto.htm

I guarantee you that you will feel much much much better!

 

[redtech]

Thanks you guys. I’m ashamed of myself. I was half expecting to get flamed for cursing at him! And I would have deserved it.

My husband’s mom divorced his dad when he was in Kindergarten. When he was around 2nd grade, his mom shacked up with another man and DH was immediately put on the back burner. His Stepdad AND his mom treated him like a step child growing up. His mom never stood up for him. His step brother and step sister were treated so much better than him. Its really sad. (they now all want to be a big happy family and don’t understand why DH doesn’t like them) DH is constantly vying for his mother’s love. She doesn’t give it. She never showed him to to clean the house or keep things straight. His dad, I’ve only met once at our wedding. He never calls or asks about the kids. He’s never met his grandkids.

You guys really hit the nail on the head with the Stay at home mom stuff. I would LOVE to do that. However, I’m the breadwinner of the family and our health insurance is through my job. We honestly couldn’t afford for me to not have this job. It would probably work for him to be a stay at home dad but I don’t think he’s got it in him. I’d still have to clean the house and do the same old stuff when I got home because I’m sure he’d need a break. He’d probably get hooked on soap operas too.

I know the water and the pictures were not big deals but when you add them on to everything else they were.

I know that some of this is my fault. I shouldn’t have let him get away with it this long. When we got married, I was so excited to be out of my parents house and have a man to care for that I didn’t mind washing his yucky undies and waiting on him hand and foot… since we had kids though. it got old. But we have had talks about it and he seems to help out a little for about a week and then we’re right back to where we were.

I also know that a few times way in the past I would ask him to do things and then nit-pick the WAY he did it or that he didn’t do it as well as I did. I know he intentionally does some things poorly so I won’t ask him again. I haven’t complained about any chore he’s done in a long time. I did take the attitude that “Hey, its done! Whatever!” Unless he made a big mess while doing it and didn’t clean up that mess. or left something dangerous out like nails.

Ok. When I went out to lunch, I got the urge to clear the air with him so I called him.

I apologized for calling him a dirty name and hanging up on him. I told him that the water and the picture were the final blow. I said that we needed to start communicating more and clear the air otherwise I just bottle it up and eventually call him a dirty name and hang up on him. I said that tonight after the kids are in bed, we need to turn off the tv and have a long talk. I suggested that he make a list of things that I do that make him mad and I will do the same and we can talk about each one and maybe try not to do them. Then we could make a list of things that we love about each other and talk about them too. He said he couldn’t think of anything that made him mad that I do. I silently adjusted my halo and told him to think about it because I’m sure I do something.

I think this is in fact going to be a long road. I know we have it in us to have a wonderful marriage. Its not all his fault. In a way I “raised” him to be this selfish monster.

I also considered making a chart for everyone and listed what everybody’s jobs were. Its time our DD start doing a few things. She can put her toys away I’m sure. And then when someone does a good job, they get a gold star by their name. (I’d better get lots!) That seems kind of babyish though.

 

[mariam1976]

He said he couldn’t think of anything that made him mad that I do. I silently adjusted my halo and told him to think about it because I’m sure I do something.

I think this is in fact going to be a long road. I know we have it in us to have a wonderful marriage. Its not all his fault. In a way I “raised” him to be this selfish monster.

I also considered making a chart for everyone and listed what everybody’s jobs were. Its time our DD start doing a few things. She can put her toys away I’m sure. And then when someone does a good job, they get a gold star by their name. (I’d better get lots!) That seems kind of babyish though.

do whatever works!!! you sound so much calmer… i am very happy…
dont let him off the hook just becos he says that he finds nothing to be mad about in you… you do and you need to let him know that… though in a gentle way…

 

[sanctareparata]

I also considered making a chart for everyone and listed what everybody’s jobs were. Its time our DD start doing a few things. She can put her toys away I’m sure. And then when someone does a good job, they get a gold star by their name. (I’d better get lots!) That seems kind of babyish though.

That made me laugh out loud. Can you imagine your husband checking up on his star status?

You said that your husband was not loved like his step brother/sister and was not ever taught how to pick up, take care of the house, etc. That reminds me of my husband. His parents divorced when he was little, too, and his step mother and father both treated his step brother better than the other boys.

And his step mother didn’t only not teach the boys how to clean, she wouldn’t allow it. She was very “anal” - it had to be done her way or wasn’t to be done at all. In other words, he couldn’t even make his own bed or fold his own clothes because it wasn’t done to her standards. So he came to me without a clue on how to really do anything. Poor guy!

He really does need to be told what to do, though he is getting better. He promised he’d tell me when I started nagging, and I guess I haven’t, because he hasn’t said anything yet! But seriously - he just doesn’t know how to take the initiative to do house stuff, and he will sit and read his gun magazines (sigh) unless I designate “jobs” for him. So maybe your husband really is just clueless and doesn’t know WHAT to do or how to do it. (And certainly, it never helps to complain about a job poorly done if they try hard.)

My husband is getting a lot better. And when I notice that things are falling apart around the house (leaky faucets and stuff) I have to leave him with honey-do lists. Which he does, in his own time but at least the motivation to do them is there.

We have gotten into a good routine. He is responsible for taking care of the breakfast dishes, at least, when he’s at home with the kids and I’m at work. And he has agreed to do one item off the honey-do list a week. He’s in charge of all diaper changes when he’s home - his decision - (because I’m in too much pain to do them all the time!) and he is in charge of all baths at night and getting the kids in their jammies. So I can count on him to always help out with those things, at least, and that’s great. And he’s really great about helping out with more when I ask him.

 

[lizaanne]

I also considered making a chart for everyone and listed what everybody’s jobs were. Its time our DD start doing a few things. She can put her toys away I’m sure. And then when someone does a good job, they get a gold star by their name. (I’d better get lots!) That seems kind of babyish though.

This sounds like straight off The Nanny show!!! I don’t think it’s babyish at all! What ever works for your family, go for it!!

Glad to hear things are working themselves out - I will keep you in my prayers that all goes well tonight.

~Liza

 

[redtech]

Thanks you guys.

I think I’m going to put him in charge of dinner at least a few times a week. There are times if I’m going to be late I’ll call and ask him to preheat the oven or even make hamburgers (thats about all he knows how to make) It will be really hard though when he asks what to make for me not to say “I know know” because thats what he always says to me. Grrr. If I listened to him we’d have “I don’t know” for dinner half the week and “I don’t care” for dinner the rest of the week.

I think I’ll also put him in charge of the bath a few other days. I know he doesn’t do as good of a job but it won’t hurt the kids I guess. He doesn’t get all the soap out of DD’s hair and he gets defensive when I sit in there and try to give him helpful pointers. And I’m not condescending or rude when I do it. I just tell him that I find that its easier for me to do such and such this way but if he finds something that works better to let me know.

I do think I’ll also make him a honey-do list on top of his “regular” new chores. I feel like the wicked step-mother keeping Cinderella from the ball. We’ve got several things around the house that are in bad repair.

In his defense he did find the ambition to clean out our barn earlier this week. Well, he took everthing out and swept the floor and then shoved everything uncermoniously back in there. but whatever, its the barn and its outside so its not my territory.

Thanks guys. It really made me feel great to vent that out. I almost wish I’d done it before calling him but I think he needed a wakeup call too. I don’t think he realized how mad I really was. You all offered alot of great advice! Now if only I could convert him. (His mommy didn’t make him go to church either)

 

[daeve]

You’re two adults, a little kid and an infant…right? There are a lot of things in the freezer department that are already made, and pretty much fool proof to heat up. And in the meat case too. Bob Evans and Tyson has roast beef and roast pork, all you have to do is stick them in the microwave. My dad and I eat them because I work all day and he really doesn’t cook. But he can stick a ready made meatloaf in the microwave for 7 minutes. There are vegetable too…you don’t even have to pierce the bag, just stick it in the microwave for 6 minutes and voila! Green Beans! Maybe he’ll get inspired and learn to cook something.

Here’s another thought. Do you have any time for yourselves as a couple? You could have a date night every week or so. Get a sitter and go out…movies, concert, just having a drink somewhere alone. If you look for it, you might find the reason you fell in love in the first place.

 

[dulcissima]

One of the teachers that I work with had this same problem with her husband. Finally, she got so overwhelmed that she just stopped. She stopped cooking, stopped cleaning, stopped doing everything other than going to work. When people asked what was for dinner, she said “Oh, I don’t know” and then didn’t make anything. Eventually her husband did get it figured out, at least to a certain degree. I’m pretty sure after a week of PBJ for dinner, your husband might have a clue as to what he wants. The trouble is that there is no reason for him to do anything, since you do it all and do it so well. Give him some incentive to do things himself, and then give him praise when he does them, even if it wasn’t the way that you would do it.

 

[redtech]

We really don’t have much time alone as a couple. We go out occasionally, but since I work full time I feel guilty about not spending every waking moment with the kids. Thats another reason why I’d like to have help. So I can enjoy my kids more! Also, DS has just a few more weeks of breastfeeding then I’m putting him on the cow, so we will be able to go out after that. I’ve got a big bottle of wine in my fridge just waiting for my own personal wean party!

Oh- and we know all about the freezer section,

I think I did just decide that I love him again becaue he called me a few minutes ago to tell me he emptied the dishwasher and vaccumed the house. He gets a gold star!!!

I thought about stopping doing everything but my kids have to eat!

 

[Jay2]

Stop being an “enabler”. Keeping quiet about things until your “pressure valve” pops off doesn’t solve any problems…

Keep in mind that us men are as dumb as a box of hammers. We see in 16 colors, “peach” is a fruit, don’t ask us if something makes you look fat unless you really want to know the truth…

We are genetically pre-programmed to IGNORE “hints”… subtle or blatant… a “hint” requires deciphering the female thought process concerning an end result. There isn’t a man on the planet who’s correctly done this yet. If we ask “Is something wrong?”… and you say “Nothing”… That means nothing is wrong.

If you want your husband to “do” something, or contribute around the house tell him!

Remember, the man is the “Head of the Household”.
More importantly remember the woman is the Neck… and she can make the Head turn any way she chooses!