I just had a big fight with my husband

[redtech]

Thanks Malia,
he actually DID ask me why I wasn’t on the list. So while he was sitting there, I wrote down all the other chores that I would be doing. Considerably longer than his list and asked him if he’d like to pick out a few more to lighten my load.

I know my attitude isn’t the best right now but like you said, “6 years is a long time” I feel much better just knowing that the wheels of change are in motion.

I don’t complain to him about watching tv non-stop. I did for a while but now I just avert my gaze. It does make me a little sad that he would rather watch tv than hang out with me and the kids. We’re really not so bad to be around.

SMHW - you’ve described my feelings perfectly!

Dh actually got off work earlier than usual and called me about one of the things on his Honey Do list. Then we talked about our feeeeelliinnnnggggs for a few minutes. it was nice.

I know I can’t really expect to see a great deal of change in the evenings now that NCAA tourney is on. Oh well, It won’t last forever.

 

[OriginalJS]

Wolseley’s advice is excellent. I want to emphasize one of his points that I have found from experience is invaluable.

When a wife complains about a problem to her husband his intuitive reaction is to find a solution. He feels like he is the man and should be able to handle whatever problem exists. When it involves something he can’t fix, he gets frustrated. But, usually the wife knows perfectly well the problem has no immeidate solution. She is looking for a sympathetic, nonjudgment, listener. Too often the couple passes each other emotionally like ships in the night. He is frustrated because he can’t solve the problem, and she is frustrated because she doesn’t have a shoulder to lean on.

The next time your wife wants to vent, don’t feel you have to come up with a solution. Instead listen to her carefully, sympathetically, and quietly.

It took me almost 30 years to learn this.

 

[redtech]

Well, I’m a long ways from being perfect, but I try. So far today all I’ve done is empty the dishwasher, re-load it, run it, made lunch for myself and my son, gather, sort, wash, dry, fold, and stow two loads of laundry, take a shower, and now I’m going to take the kid for a walk out back (85 acres), and afterwards we’ll do some homeschooling. Mommy left for work at 11:00 and will be back about 6:00. I figure the more stuff that I do, the less she has to.

Wolseley, I think I want to trade with your wife!!! Could you at least pass a note to my DH in the locker room and give him some pointers?

 

[Jay2]

With our kids being involved in near everything, my wife’s job involving travel, we are forced to have a 2-month “dry-erase” calendar on the wall! It’s truly the only way to keep track of what’s going on, what needs to get done, etc…

About 6 months ago DW & I were getting really owly. Short fuses, snippety, whatever. One evening it came to a head. We were looking at the “calendar” trying to figure out the logistics of something… I don’t recall who made this incredible realization: There wasn’t ONE evening in 2 months time blocked off for “Mom & Dad are going out”!

We’re breaking our backs at work, trying to shuttle the kids around, and taking care of every little thing… but ourselves! We both looked at eachother and just smiled… the same telekenetic husband/wife thought that all spouses share from time to time!

Now there is at least ONE Friday or Saturday night per month that are “X’d” off. These are “Mom & Dad” nights. Unless someone dies there will be no plans on these nights - it is non-negotiable - unless both kids are going to a sleep-over… (we’ll gladly dropoff/pickup the next day if that cosmic planet alignment ever happens!).

We might just go down to the Pub for a pitcher & pizza, or get shined up for a nice dinner - but we’ve come to the realization that we HAVE to block off time for ourselves.

** Having a “family night” does not count!** “Mom & Dad Night” is a selfish, self-absorbant evening for just you and your spouse. PAY for a sitter, get Grammy & Gramps to watch 'em, give up Starbucks 4 days a month and you can cover a sitter… whatever. Make time for you & hubby.

Our Pediatrician is a wise man.
About a year ago during a checkup on one of the kids he just out of the blue stated “The kid’s fine… How’s your marriage?.. Are you making time for yourselves?.. You know that we (himself inclusive) need to fall back and remember how these kids got here from time to time…”

It only took 11 months for his wisdom to sink in…

 

[whatevergirl]

It’s always been interesting to me when I hear my girlfriends talk about their ‘husbands watching the kids’ while they go out to the store, for a movie with a friend…wherever. The husband is watching the kids. Aren’t they his, is my usual reply. Not to sounds derogatory, but I don’t view being a wife, as being a man’s mom. I married my husband for an equal partnership…in all things. Not to take care of him like his mother did. He’s a grown man, and together…we need to bring value to our marriage…and respect to our marriage.

There needs to stop being candy coating in life, where we tip toe around these issues. If one’s husband is this neglectful…counseling is in order. Why should a woman go to work, and then do everything until she drops of exhaustion in bed? This thread sounds familiar to me, as my gf’s talk about their husbands in the same way, but the only way it can change, is if you discuss it with them. Really share how bad you feel, being taken advantage of like this…and truthfully, how you didn’t think when you got married, you would really be a man’s mother.

My husband and I cook, clean, and make money…together. When I was home with the kids, I did mostly everything around the house…I was home. But, if I’m working all day…sorry, I’m not coming home while my husband does zilch. That’s just called being kind. He would have to treat a roommate better, if he lived with another man, when you think about it.

I will pray for you. My heart goes out to you. But, I would ask your husband to go to counseling with you. He needs to learn how to be a true husband and dad. You simply cannot teach him those things. Fighting, nagging…it’s not necessary. If he loves you and his family–he’ll want to make a change. But, be patient…as long as he makes some strides…give him credit. Bottom line, marriage does take effort…but you are not his mother, nor his maid.

again, i’ll pray for you.

 

[cyndeecyndee]

It sounds like you and your husband need to go on a Marriage Encounter Weekend. After the weekend you’ll be amazed at the change (for the better) in your marriage! Go to this website to see where there is an upcoming weekend in your area.

wwme.org/new.html

 

[drafdog]

God gave me a wife. Not that I asked for one, or even wanted one, particularly. He decided I needed one. That was 35 years ago.
We divided things up. I went out to work and she stayed home to run the house and look after the children. We have four in all. They’re adults with their own lives now. When I came home at night, the kids were mine. I saw they got cleaned up for dinner and we sat down together and ate. I put the kids to bed and said prayers with them.
Someone in another thread asked about Scouting. I was a Boy Scout in my youth and a Scout is prepared. I was prepared to do anything and everything. I can do the laundry, iron the clothes, cook the meals, wash the dishes, the whole nine yards. And I do those things. I also fix the leaky faucets, replace the worn electical outlets, hang wallpaper and do the lawn and garden.
This all comes under the heading of ministering the sacrament of matrimony. This is love, honor and cherish. This is faithfulness to the vocation.
I knew from the outset that marriage was not a ceremony at church. That’s only a declaration of intent. Marriage is what happens when the kid wakes up barfing in the middle of the night and you get up to clean the bathroom, put fresh pajamas on the kid and put him back to bed. Marriage is what happens when you get up the next morning and stumble off to work instead of rolling over and going back to sleep. Marriage is what happens when the wife had a bad day and you take to to bed and hold her. Love is not a feeling; it’s a job that you work at continuously.
I kiss my wife and tell her I love her (not as often as I should, but more often than I used to.) I perform the mitzvah of going to church on sabbath (the men are enjoined to perform these things, not the women).
All in all, life is difficult and busy. But that’s the way it is.

Matthew

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

I knew from the outset that marriage was not a ceremony at church. That’s only a declaration of intent. Marriage is what happens when the kid wakes up barfing in the middle of the night and you get up to clean the bathroom, put fresh pajamas on the kid and put him back to bed. Marriage is what happens when you get up the next morning and stumble off to work instead of rolling over and going back to sleep. Marriage is what happens when the wife had a bad day and you take to to bed and hold her. Love is not a feeling; it’s a job that you work at continuously.

Matthew

**How beautiful. I hope you don’t mind, but I copied your above statement and sent it to my sister who is getting married this October. I thought she’d enjoy it. **

---

Malia

 

[whatevergirl]

God gave me a wife. Not that I asked for one, or even wanted one, particularly. He decided I needed one. That was 35 years ago.
We divided things up. I went out to work and she stayed home to run the house and look after the children. We have four in all. They’re adults with their own lives now. When I came home at night, the kids were mine. I saw they got cleaned up for dinner and we sat down together and ate. I put the kids to bed and said prayers with them.
Someone in another thread asked about Scouting. I was a Boy Scout in my youth and a Scout is prepared. I was prepared to do anything and everything. I can do the laundry, iron the clothes, cook the meals, wash the dishes, the whole nine yards. And I do those things. I also fix the leaky faucets, replace the worn electical outlets, hang wallpaper and do the lawn and garden.
This all comes under the heading of ministering the sacrament of matrimony. This is love, honor and cherish. This is faithfulness to the vocation.
I knew from the outset that marriage was not a ceremony at church. That’s only a declaration of intent. Marriage is what happens when the kid wakes up barfing in the middle of the night and you get up to clean the bathroom, put fresh pajamas on the kid and put him back to bed. Marriage is what happens when you get up the next morning and stumble off to work instead of rolling over and going back to sleep. Marriage is what happens when the wife had a bad day and you take to to bed and hold her. Love is not a feeling; it’s a job that you work at continuously.
I kiss my wife and tell her I love her (not as often as I should, but more often than I used to.) I perform the mitzvah of going to church on sabbath (the men are enjoined to perform these things, not the women).
All in all, life is difficult and busy. But that’s the way it is.

Matthew

I equally enjoyed it too, matthew.

 

[jamannor]

To the OP, you should read the book “The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands,” By Doctor Laura C. Schlessinger. It even comes in paper back. She’s not Catholic, but Jewish. I’ve heard a lot of women once they buy it find it very very helpful. I’ll pray for you too.

 

[KCT]

As far as giving him a job then telling how to do it - I HATE when my hubby does that .

If cleaning the bathroom is my job, let me do it my way. If he doesn’t like it, he can do it.

Same goes w/ baths. Who cares of the kids aren’t perfectly clean? Get them cleaner when it’s your turn. If he’s giving a bath, stay out of the bathroom.

When it’s his turn to cook, thank him for a nice dinner and tell him you look forward to his next meal. Who cares if it’s not gourmet?

Agree to divide up duties. Only do yours. —KCT

 

[dulcissima]

As far as giving him a job then telling how to do it - I HATE when my hubby does that .

If cleaning the bathroom is my job, let me do it my way. If he doesn’t like it, he can do it.

Same goes w/ baths. Who cares of the kids aren’t perfectly clean? Get them cleaner when it’s your turn. If he’s giving a bath, stay out of the bathroom.

When it’s his turn to cook, thank him for a nice dinner and tell him you look forward to his next meal. Who cares if it’s not gourmet?

Agree to divide up duties. Only do yours. —KCT

I agree. If I am going to do something, then let me do it. Don’t micromanage me.

 

[1ke]

To the OP, you should read the book “The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands,” By Doctor Laura C. Schlessinger. It even comes in paper back. She’s not Catholic, but Jewish. I’ve heard a lot of women once they buy it find it very very helpful. I’ll pray for you too.

I honestly don’t think this book will help too much in her situation, although reading it gives good insights.

Dr. Laura is quick to say in her book that it’s not directed at women who have men that have serious character flaws… and any man who cheats at *Candyland *against his 3 year old daughter has big problems.

 

[argon091076]

With our kids being involved in near everything, my wife’s job involving travel, we are forced to have a 2-month “dry-erase” calendar on the wall! It’s truly the only way to keep track of what’s going on, what needs to get done, etc…

About 6 months ago DW & I were getting really owly. Short fuses, snippety, whatever. One evening it came to a head. We were looking at the “calendar” trying to figure out the logistics of something… I don’t recall who made this incredible realization: There wasn’t ONE evening in 2 months time blocked off for “Mom & Dad are going out”!

We’re breaking our backs at work, trying to shuttle the kids around, and taking care of every little thing… but ourselves! We both looked at eachother and just smiled… the same telekenetic husband/wife thought that all spouses share from time to time!

Now there is at least ONE Friday or Saturday night per month that are “X’d” off. These are “Mom & Dad” nights. Unless someone dies there will be no plans on these nights - it is non-negotiable - unless both kids are going to a sleep-over… (we’ll gladly dropoff/pickup the next day if that cosmic planet alignment ever happens!).

We might just go down to the Pub for a pitcher & pizza, or get shined up for a nice dinner - but we’ve come to the realization that we HAVE to block off time for ourselves.

** Having a “family night” does not count!** “Mom & Dad Night” is a selfish, self-absorbant evening for just you and your spouse. PAY for a sitter, get Grammy & Gramps to watch 'em, give up Starbucks 4 days a month and you can cover a sitter… whatever. Make time for you & hubby.

Our Pediatrician is a wise man.
About a year ago during a checkup on one of the kids he just out of the blue stated “The kid’s fine… How’s your marriage?.. Are you making time for yourselves?.. You know that we (himself inclusive) need to fall back and remember how these kids got here from time to time…”

It only took 11 months for his wisdom to sink in…

We are lucky to have a pediatrician for our kids that is like this, too.
Very wise man.

They are absolutely right. If Mom and Dad are happy together, the children will be happy, too!

 

[Jehanne_Darc]

Dude…you have issues…and they have nothing to do with your hubby. You’re fighting about pictures of your kids??? ARE YOU SERIOUS???
You just “roll over”… To me, you paint a picture of an over-achiever/martyr/flagellate who cannot…nay, will not…tolerate anyone who doesn’t conform to your view of “what must be done”. Not saying your hubby is perfect…but Wow! You certainly won’t give an inch!

Sorry to add more to this overly leangthy thread, but here is my two bits.

You sound like me and since I know me I have got to agree with the above quote.

You are trying to run everything in YOUR life, including running your husband. It is all about YOU, not US.

When I had to learn to give in and let God be God AND let my husband be the HEAD of the family and the HUSBAND, I had already commited to caring for my children at home. I hadn’t started a career yet (I was finishing my degree) and my husband, though struggling was the primary bread winner by default. Though for a few years there was not much winning going on.

What needs to happen is that you need to back down and become a WIFE first, mommy next. I am not saying quit your job (well you might eventually once your hubby finds out he can and has to support his family), but quit your ATTITUDE.

Listen to Dr. Laura on this topic. I used to listen to her all the time and have her rather piercing style reverberating in my head and urging me to let my husband BE THE MAN. You can get an audio tape of “The proper care and feeding of husbands” from your library if you want. It works very well too.

If you put him in the position to be the man, he will be the man and treat you right. Gauranteed.
Well not if you married a total loser. But then you wouldn’t have committed to spending your life with a loser would you?