I just had a big fight with my husband

[Little_Mary]

I second the poster who suggested to just stop doing things for a while.

I’ve done that in the past and it has worked. I stopped doing all dh’s laundry, only made enough dinner for myself and kids, stuff like that.

Another line that works “I don’t understand why four people live in this house but only one of us cleans it up!!”

After a few years, I would just look straight at him and say “I need some help for a few minutes - please put the leftovers away while I load the dishwasher” or “start the kids’ bath while I get their jammies out” etc.

 

[tcay584]

Dude…you have issues…and they have nothing to do with your hubby. You’re fighting about pictures of your kids??? ARE YOU SERIOUS???
You just “roll over”… To me, you paint a picture of an over-achiever/martyr/flagellate who cannot…nay, will not…tolerate anyone who doesn’t conform to your view of “what must be done”. Not saying your hubby is perfect…but Wow! You certainly won’t give an inch!

 

[mariam1976]

Dude…you have issues…and they have nothing to do with your hubby. You’re fighting about pictures of your kids??? ARE YOU SERIOUS???
You just “roll over”… To me, you paint a picture of an over-achiever/martyr/flagellate who cannot…nay, will not…tolerate anyone who doesn’t conform to your view of “what must be done”. Not saying your hubby is perfect…but Wow! You certainly won’t give an inch!

i dont think you should be saying that she has issues… it was just the straw that broke the camel’s back!!!

do try to be little bit more sensitive to her needs… she needs emotional support right now from her friends in the forum not be blasted for having feelings or being frustrated…
i wonder if you have ever come across the scenario where you are taking care of everything all the time… imagine coming home to find your child crying becos his hand is stuck in something and your husband has turned up the volume so that he is not disturbed by the child’s crying… everything is not always black and white…

if you look at all the other posts, you will find that they are so much better at putting across their point without hurting the OP’s feelings…

 

[sanctareparata]

Dude…you have issues…and they have nothing to do with your hubby. You’re fighting about pictures of your kids??? ARE YOU SERIOUS???
You just “roll over”… To me, you paint a picture of an over-achiever/martyr/flagellate who cannot…nay, will not…tolerate anyone who doesn’t conform to your view of “what must be done”. Not saying your hubby is perfect…but Wow! You certainly won’t give an inch!

Um. Did you even bother to READ the whole post?

 

[tcay584]

Um. Did you even bother to READ the whole post?

Yes. Actually, I did. I probably came off as a bit more…harsh…than I should have been. However, I still can’t help but feel that so often, husbands and wives don’t take the time to see things from the other’s perspective. Just because one partner feels that certain things are important, doesn’t mean the other necessarily does, or should. I don’t always think that’s a disconnect, but sometimes we get so frustrated that we may not see the good things in each other. It’s so easy to just mention the bad. I think (and maybe it’s just me) that when we get angry and frustrated, it helps to try really hard to find the good things in our partners, and move from there. My hubby and I disagree on many things, but I still can find many good things to say about him, because I respect him and he’s a good man. No matter how much he may annoy me, I can always find something about him that’s really a gift from God. It’s not that hard.
POS husband? (charming).

 

[tcay584]

i dont think you should be saying that she has issues… it was just the straw that broke the camel’s back!!!

do try to be little bit more sensitive to her needs… she needs emotional support right now from her friends in the forum not be blasted for having feelings or being frustrated…
i wonder if you have ever come across the scenario where you are taking care of everything all the time… imagine coming home to find your child crying becos his hand is stuck in something and your husband has turned up the volume so that he is not disturbed by the child’s crying… everything is not always black and white…

if you look at all the other posts, you will find that they are so much better at putting across their point without hurting the OP’s feelings…

I’m sorry, that’s not what I was trying to imply. I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. I just think we all get frustrated…and it doesn’t help to disparage one’s husband or family. I must say, I get frustrated too, sometimes it’s so overwhelming that I’ll “turn up the stereo” to block out the last thing that will send me over the edge. That’s when I count on my family to be kind to me…to help me as I would them. We all get so mad so much…

 

[sanctareparata]

I’m sorry, that’s not what I was trying to imply. I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. I just think we all get frustrated…and it doesn’t help to disparage one’s husband or family. I must say, I get frustrated too, sometimes it’s so overwhelming that I’ll “turn up the stereo” to block out the last thing that will send me over the edge. That’s when I count on my family to be kind to me…to help me as I would them. We all get so mad so much…

All right - I’m glad there was no intent to hurt feelings. But I will say that if you ever have to turn up the stereo to block out your child’s cries of pain just so you don’t have to deal with him, well, then I really hope you wouldn’t expect your family to be kind to you.

Anyway…redtech - I’m glad you’re calmed down and I hope your talk with him tonight goes well.

 

[1ke]

I think a big mistake that women make is saying “he should know what to do”. My husband is always willing to clean up, all I have to do is tell him what to do. This house can become a complete pig sty and he’s oblivious. But, if I just say, please pick up the newspapers, wash the dishes, and do the towels in the laundry… he gets right to it and does it all.

So, really, just tell him: you do X, Y, and Z. And, it will likely get done. Ask for help. Don’t assume he knows what needs doing.

Sit down and decide how much TV time, how much play time with the kids (he needs to be engaged with them), how much “together time” for the two of you, etc.

It will do wonders.

 

[lizaanne]

I think a big mistake that women make is saying “he should know what to do”. My husband is always willing to clean up, all I have to do is tell him what to do. This house can become a complete pig sty and he’s oblivious. But, if I just say, please pick up the newspapers, wash the dishes, and do the towels in the laundry… he gets right to it and does it all.

I absolutely agree with this - my DH is totally oblivious to when something needs doing, something I just can’t understand at all. But if I ever ask him to do anything around the house, there is not one second of hesitation or crabbing, he very happily helps me. He has even complained that I don’t let him do anything, but I think that’s a matter of us being married and together for less than six months, and we will eventually come into a better routine. Right now I do have to ask every single time for him to take the empty hamper back up after I empty it, but at least he’s helping, and that’s what I find more important.

~Liza

 

[kage_ar]

Sit down together, make a weekly menu - this way you ALWAYS know that Monday is meat loaf night, Tuesday is soup/salad, Friday is fish sticks, you get the idea…

When you make out your weekly menu, use ideas where you make one meal then make a second meal from the main dish (cook a pork loin, use half for dinner then chop up the other half for and mix with BBQ sauce for a second meal, that kind of thing. Robin Miller on Food TV does a show on this kind of cooking).

Learn the joy of the Crock Pot/Slow Cooker.

Pick up a couple of magazines, I suggest Taste of Home, Quick Cooking, or Lite-N-Tasty at the store this weekend - these will be great helps in meal planning.

Then, make sure you BOTH know how to prepare each meal, along with having an emergency meal or two on the freezer (frozen lasagna is always a good backup). This way, when schedules change or things come up, there is not a “scramble” for dinner.

 

[daeve]

I absolutely agree with this - my DH is totally oblivious to when something needs doing, something I just can’t understand at all. But if I ever ask him to do anything around the house, there is not one second of hesitation or crabbing, he very happily helps me. He has even complained that I don’t let him do anything, but I think that’s a matter of us being married and together for less than six months, and we will eventually come into a better routine. Right now I do have to ask every single time for him to take the empty hamper back up after I empty it, but at least he’s helping, and that’s what I find more important.

~Liza

Twenty something years ago this didn’t work for me. I was told that if I could go out and earn as much money as he did, he’d stay home and take care of the house and kids. House was my job, money-making was his. I had longer hours and no days off. I also did his bookkeeping, billing, invoicing, letter-writing and phone answering.

 

[AlaAnnie]

I didn’t read all of the posts. So, maybe someone else has suggested this already. But, would he be willing to help you make dinner? Could serve 2 purposes. 1. Would be some kind of time together and you could talk while you work. 2. He would learn how to cook a little better.

 

[kresbrook]

So how did your talk go last night? Did he ever come up with anything you do that he doesn’t like?

I laughed when I read that because my husband says the same thing, and I too often have to adjust my halo

Also, I definately think you should have a chore chart for your DD. I can e-mail you the one I use if you want it. Things like “Put dirty cloths in hamper”. I did up a chart and had it laminated, then I can take the stickers off at the end of the week.

I will say that you will need your husbands help in getting your DD to do her chores. With kids you have to constantly nag, and its a lot easier to just do it yourself (especially when your working and tired anyway), but you don’t want her to have the same struggles your husband does when she grows up

 

[Wolseley]

I’ve heard, and seen, a lot of this type of problem in my 46 years, unfortunately. It is a major failure of our culture (and most cultures, I’m sorry to say), that men are not taught the first thing about how to treat women, and then when they get married, being as completely ignorant as they are, it causes friction and conflict.

This is not to let women completely off the hook, because oftentimes women are as clueless about men as men are about women, but by and large, IMHO, 98% of the problems in any given marriage are usually the fault of the male. We men just simply know very little about how men and women differ, and we have a too-generous dollop of self-centeredness on top of it, all of it frosted over with The Male Ego ™.

Several years ago, a fellow on another board was getting married, and asked for advice for a newly-married guy. (You can read the whole thread here: christianforums.com/t9587-advice-for-a-newly-married-guy.html)

Here’s what I told him:

"Off the cuff…

Always try to see things from her perspective.

When something goes wrong, offer her your sympathy, not your instruction—in other words, don’t try to “fix” the problem by lecturing about how to do it right the next time. She wants you to listen to her, not expound on your supposedly superior knowledge.

Never lie to to her. Ever.

Never yell at her. Ever.

You NEVER cheat on her. Ever.

Make it your goal to help her in things that need to be done around the house. It is not strictly her job to do the laundry, dishes, cleaning, etc. You live there, too, and you dirty just as many dishes and clothes as she does.

From this point forward, with the exception of God, she becomes the most important thing in your life. She comes first, and she is more important than your job, your friends, your boss, your car, your family, your hobbies, your mother, your opinions, and when you have them, your children. Your first obligation, and your first loyalty, is to her. If that is a sometimes painful choice to make, tough.

Do the things she wants to do or the things she asks you to, even if you don’t want to do them.

Know when to keep your mouth shut.

Never, ever, EVER make her look foolish or belittle her in front of other people.

Learn how to do things you never did before—how to bathe a child, change a dirty diaper, the proper way to wash pantyhose, to check the bathtub for razors before you step in, how to handle criticism of your choice in clothes, how to eat food you never ate before, how to sleep with another person instead of by yourself.

Make up your mind that you are in this for the rest of your life. Every marriage has rough spots, boring periods, financial pressures, emotional crises. You work through these things and you stay by her; you do not bail out when the going gets rough.

Be gentle, careful, and tremendously understanding with her when you have your first sexual encounter. You will probably want her to appear nude in a brightly-lit room, and she will want you to hold her in the pitch dark; this is because men are stimulated primarily by sight, and women, by touch. Women are also usually very self-conscious about their bodies. Do it her way. When you are more familiar with each other, she will loosen up and let you turn some lights on. Remember that you have the rest of your lives together for this.

Do not ogle attractive women. That is for single men; you are married now. There is no reason for you to go looking for cold cuts downtown when you have a banquet at home.

Be willing to go roller-skating with her after you have worked for ten hours and want only to collapse in front of the TV in a semi-comatose state. She hasn’t worked for ten hours, and she wants to get out of the house.

Listen to her when she is talking. Give her your complete and total attention. Uttering grunts from behind a newspaper does not count.

Take her advice when she offers it, and do not deride her opinions.

And finally, treat her always as Christ treats His Church. Be forgiving, be compassionate, be understanding, and always love her without condition.

Hope this helps! Congratulations!"

redtech, I don’t know if it would help you or not, but three books which I would highly recommend are listed below.

For you: amazon.com/Better-Best-Gary-Smalley/dp/031021467X/ref=sr_1_1/102-0560807-8491347?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1173975320&sr=1-1

For your husband: amazon.com/If-Only-He-Knew-Resist/dp/0310214785/ref=pd_sim_b_1/102-0560807-8491347?ie=UTF8&qid=1173975320&sr=1-1

amazon.com/Wives-Their-Husbands-About-Women/dp/0842378960/ref=pd_sim_b_4/102-0560807-8491347?ie=UTF8&qid=1173975320&sr=1-1

 

[redtech]

Thanks you guys. Maybe I just got spoiled growing up. My dad and brothers were all the ‘neat’ type of guys. When they saw a pile of something, they would pick it up. I guess we were just raised differently than my husband.

To Tcay:
“Dude…you have issues…and they have nothing to do with your hubby. You’re fighting about pictures of your kids??? ARE YOU SERIOUS???
You just “roll over”… To me, you paint a picture of an over-achiever/martyr/flagellate who cannot…nay, will not…tolerate anyone who doesn’t conform to your view of “what must be done”. Not saying your hubby is perfect…but Wow! You certainly won’t give an inch!”

I honestly chucked when I read this… Did you read what I wrote? I’ve been giving an inch for almost 6 years. The picture thing was just the straw the broke the camels back like Miriam said. How would you feel if you husband sent a picture of your kids to his mommy without even considering that you might like to see it too? I guess I’m just selfish but it hurt my feelings.

I talked to my husband last night. I wrote a list of chores that I would like for him to do and a list of chores we’re going to start having my DD do. She is to pick up her toys every night before bed and pick up any clothes that she can find and put them in the hamper. I’m going to make her a chart and give her a gold star each time she does a good job. When she gets 10 or 15 or 20, then she will get a treat.

My DH’s chores include: taking out the trash (before it starts to overflow.), clearing the dinner table after dinner, baths and bedtime for the kids 2 or 3 days per week, cooking dinner 1 or 2 days a week, emptying the clean stuff out of the dish washer. and I think there was 1 other one that I can’t remember. I also made him a short Honey-Do list of little projects I’d like to have done around the house that I’ve been asking him to do forever and he keeps ignoring.

Dh actually didn’t seem to be too enthused about his new chores. He pretty much had an attitude the whole time and tried to make excuses but then the next minute would tell me just to tell him what to do and he’d do it. That’s fine with me, I guess as long as he sees the list and he KNOWS that these are his chores, I’ll give him friendly reminders. Alot of times if I ask him to do more than 2 things in a day he’ll say “Geez, is there anything else???” and I normally say “I can make you a list”. Well, now he has a list.

We’ll see how it goes. I hope I’m not back in 3 weeks to vent about him again. I think it will be smoother in a few weeks too when he’s in the field and not getting home until later. It will be nice to not have the TV blaring non-stop and have some quiet in the house. A little break from seeing him sitting there will be nice too. I’d rather see him doing a hobby or reading a book than sitting there like a bump on a log.

I wonder if when we get to heaven we get a count of how many hours or days we spent sleeping or eating or doing other activities. I’d like to see how many hours of his life he wasted watching brain-numbing shows on tv.

I did sort of force him into a game of CandyLand last night with me and DD. He always cheats though.

 

[mariam1976]

wow Wolseley, you have it down pat!!!

if you are actually practising all the things that u have put down here, your wife is the luckiest girl ever and you have the best marriage in the world!!!

 

[SMHW]

I guess this post is directed more to the guys who are reading. I don’t know if it will be of any value but it might give some insight.

When I was working full time outside of the home and still seemed to be the one who did the cooking and cleaning I found that what bothered me the most was when my husband said things like, “All you need to do is ask and I’ll help,” or, “Tell me what to do.” Or worst of all, he’d say, “You’re obviously tired. Don’t do [insert task].” But he wasn’t offering to do it or even to make the kids do it. Sometimes he’d tell ME to make the kids do it.

It took me a while to realize why that bothered me so much. But I think the problem was not so much that I was doing so many things (although that was tiring enough) but rather that I felt the weight of ‘managing’ what needed to be done. If my husband said, “I’ll help you,” then that seemed to be saying that it was MY job rather than OUR jobs. I didn’t want it to be MY job. (But I did want it done somewhat close to my standards.) What I really would have liked was for my husband to take the initiative and decide for himself that the dishes needed to be put away or have him supervise the kids doing their chores.

Now I realize that what I wanted might not be completely reasonable. I’m no different than many women. I wanted the final say over how things got done in the house. I just didn’t always have the energy to be in charge. And knowing about the things that I thought needed doing felt like a drain on what little energy I did have left.

I think this was one of those rare occasions where I really did want my husband to solve the problem rather than just sympathize. (This seemed to be one of the times when he chose sympathizing rather than trying to fix things.)

Neither of us ever found a solution until I stopped working full time and then it did become MY job to do many of the things around the home. I still don’t like it and wish I made enough money to hire someone to do it for me.*

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

I talked to my husband last night. I wrote a list of chores that I would like for him to do

My DH’s chores include: taking out the trash (before it starts to overflow.), clearing the dinner table after dinner, baths and bedtime for the kids 2 or 3 days per week, cooking dinner 1 or 2 days a week, emptying the clean stuff out of the dish washer. and I think there was 1 other one that I can’t remember. I also made him a short Honey-Do list of little projects I’d like to have done around the house that I’ve been asking him to do forever and he keeps ignoring.

**Dh actually didn’t seem to be too enthused about his new chores. He pretty much had an attitude the whole time and tried to make excuses **but then the next minute would tell me just to tell him what to do and he’d do it. That’s fine with me, I guess as long as he sees the list and he KNOWS that these are his chores, I’ll give him friendly reminders. .

A couple of things have stuck out to me. 6 years is a long time to build up resentment, so I don’t expect it to go away overnight…but your attitude towards him is not helping. You are still very angry and it comes across to me. It HAS to be coming across to him too.

---

Have you thought about putting yourself on that list of chores? If it is just him and your DD then it looks as though you are the dictator and in control of both of their lives (I know that isn’t how it is, but it’s how it appears). It’s like you don’t see a difference between him and your child. If he saw a list of all of the things you do in a day/week he might get a better perspective and not feel like you are asking too much from him.

We’ll see how it goes. I hope I’m not back in 3 weeks to vent about him again.

I hope not either. I pray that you are back in a few weeks praising your husband. Even if it is only one thing, you need to focus on something good.

I think it will be smoother in a few weeks too when he’s in the field and not getting home until later. It will be nice to not have the TV blaring non-stop and have some quiet in the house.

I hope you get the quiet time you crave.

** A little break from seeing him sitting there will be nice too. I’d rather see him doing a hobby or reading a book than sitting there like a bump on a log.**

**Ah ha. It’s not about you or what you prefer. If that’s how he wants to spend his down time and that’s how he relaxes then just accept it. If you fight it you will only build more resentment. **

---

What if everytime he saw you engaging in a hobby he got upset and wished you could just sit like a bump on a log for a change?

I wonder if when we get to heaven we get a count of how many hours or days we spent sleeping or eating or doing other activities. I’d like to see how many hours of his life he wasted watching brain-numbing shows on tv.

Be careful what you wish for. If you are shown how much time he wasted then you will also be shown how much time you wasted.

---

I really hope that both of you have the change of attitude required to make a marriage happy. You have kids who are counting on you to show them what love really is in this crazy mixed up world.

---

Malia

 

[mariam1976]

Have you thought about putting yourself on that list of chores? If it is just him and your DD then it looks as though you are the dictator and in control of both of their lives (I know that isn’t how it is, but it’s how it appears). It’s like you don’t see a difference between him and your child. If he saw a list of all of the things you do in a day/week he might get a better perspective and not feel like you are asking too much from him.

i like this part!!! do it my dear… he will see just how much you are doing and come to appreciate you better and maybe even pitch in more…

 

[Wolseley]

wow Wolseley, you have it down pat!!!

if you are actually practising all the things that u have put down here, your wife is the luckiest girl ever and you have the best marriage in the world!!!

Well, I’m a long ways from being perfect, but I try. So far today all I’ve done is empty the dishwasher, re-load it, run it, made lunch for myself and my son, gather, sort, wash, dry, fold, and stow two loads of laundry, take a shower, and now I’m going to take the kid for a walk out back (85 acres), and afterwards we’ll do some homeschooling. Mommy left for work at 11:00 and will be back about 6:00. I figure the more stuff that I do, the less she has to.