I Know I Raised Him Better Than This

[BlueEyedLady]

A few things come to mind:

1. I agree, you can’t change the decision of an adult.
2. Why do people cohabitate? Probably because they tried doing things the “right way” in the past, and it still didn’t work out. So, how can they trust that doing things the “right way” will work next time? Cohabitation is a sign of cautiousness on the couple’s part–a desire to proceed with caution, for fear of yet another painful divorce. It allows the couple to determine not just sexual compatibility, but simpler things such as whether they get along under the same roof!

If it means they have to defy Catholic teaching to prevent another divorce, so be it.

How can you compel someone to take a risk that he or she doesn’t want to take (i.e. jump into marriage without testing the waters)?

As someone who lived together before marriage and would highly recommend it to others, I have to say that I can’t think of a worse idea than moving in together to “test the waters”. If you aren’t completely committed and 100% sure that you are in a lifelong relationship, than moving in together should not happen. That’s the best way I know of to ruin your credit, lose a lot of money, end up trapped in a home with a person that you don’t want to be with, or end up staying in a bad relationship just because you have a lease together. Bad idea all around.

 

[Dave_B]

Been through it. When you have a chance talk privately with your son (not with girlfriend there). Just calmly assure him that you love him and will always love him. That his decision has hurt you and your husband, but you will not nag him about it, and you’ll be praying for him and his girlfriend every day. Leave it at that, give him a hug, and be kind and gentle to both of them. Your son won’t forget the talk you had, and will know you pray for him to rethink things and make good changes. And I would not be surprised if he doesn’t do so, down the road.

Don’t ruin your relationship with him. Let him know one time how you feel, and then move on. He’s an adult, and his choices are his to make. Your example, love and prayers will help him most.

+1 good advice.

 

[CaliLobo]

This attitude is painfully disrespectful to our faith and to God. Your recommendation to defy Catholic teaching is an insult to God also. And very foolish.

To the OP, what your son is doing is very common now unfortunately. It has sadly become a new normal lifestyle for the younger generation. It went on in our generation too only then at least people still understood that it was considered immoral. Now even “nice” people are doing it. I agree that very few people will judge you for your son’s poor behavior because as a society we have accepted immorality. I applaud you for at least making it known to your son that you disapprove. Keep praying for him though. It is his sin not yours.

I’m not recommending that anyone defy Catholic teaching. I’m simply pointing out why someone would defy it.

Historically, marriage was arranged so there was no dating or cohabitation. But now that we have replaced arranged marriages with dating, don’t you think it becomes very scary to determine whether someone is a good partner for life? How do you make such a determination? How can you predict the future?

The only solution is to do your due diligence, and cohabitation before marriage is a part of that.

I guess Catholic teaching is once again proving irrelevant in today’s world, sadly…

 

[AnnieHill]

Jane,

Yes, of course you raised him “better than this” but look at the world today. “Living in sin” is a foreign concept that doesn’t register for many young adults, regardless of their religious past and upbringing. No one will judge you and if someone does, that is on them, not you. You have voiced your concerns and that is all you can do.

My mother home educated her three children, we attended daily Mass, and my brothers went to seminary for a year, then private Catholic school.

My oldest brother is the only one who kept himself chaste until he was engaged to his current wife, but they DID live together for YEARS before engagement but agreed to not practice premarital sex. Amazing and true.

Neither myself nor my other brother were so God fearing.

I lived with my husband before we were married, and yes, in retrospect, I wish I hadn’t. I will raise my daughter not to, the same way my mother raised me. But, I also know I am human and imperfect. I am now married with two children. I am a Catholic wife with two baptized children. I intend on home schooling and raising my children in a similar fashion to the way I was.

In the end, it works out. Youth is full of folly and God knows this…not that it excuses it, of course, but nonetheless, we all make mistakes when we’re young don’t we? It is our rebellious time when we forget the entire goal in life is to reconnect us to our Creator.

Let he who has not sin cast the first stone.

Take it easy on him…when they are married with a baby on the way, you’ll hardly remember these times.

Annie

 

[GEddie]

I’m not recommending that anyone defy Catholic teaching. I’m simply pointing out why someone would defy it.

Historically, marriage was arranged so there was no dating or cohabitation. But now that we have replaced arranged marriages with dating, don’t you think it becomes very scary to determine whether someone is a good partner for life? How do you make such a determination? How can you predict the future?

The only solution is to do your due diligence, and cohabitation before marriage is a part of that.

I guess Catholic teaching is once again proving irrelevant in today’s world, sadly…

There is nothing “diligent” about cohabitation. It is just the “young thing to do.” Grab the gusto, sexually, because that’s all there is.

I do admit that the current world, with its flirting and dating games, drives to cohabitation. In the past, young people were given in marriage very young and so did not have to sit on their “feelings” more than one or two years. Today, with people being in school until almost 25 and then trying to find someone, being chaste for almost a decade wouldn’t seem to cut it.

But the laws of morality do not change just because life patterns do; anymore than the law of gravity changes to accommodate our changes in weight.

ICXC NIKA

 

[MJJean]

There is nothing “diligent” about cohabitation. It is just the “young thing to do.” Grab the gusto, sexually, because that’s all there is.

ICXC NIKA

I disagree. There is more to living together than sex. Face it, people who decide to live together have usually been having lots of sex for at least a few months before making that decision. The idea usually is to have a sort of trial marriage to see if they can make an actual marriage work or if they are simply not compatible and should move on.

And it’s not a “young thing to do”. People of many age groups live together before marrying to test the waters or without plans to ever marry.

Most of my mothers friends lived with their spouses or ex spouses before marriage. That would be the 50-60 year olds now.

Heck my own mother lived with her fiance for 18 years before she passed away in 1996. They got engaged, bought the ring, had 2 kids together, raised 3 together, and just never saw the need to marry. She was Lutheran and he Catholic.

I lived with my husband before we married and I’m 38. Not exactly young.

The neighbors that bought the house across the street are in their 30’s with 6 kids and unmarried.

The neighbors next door lived together, bought a house together, and only recently married because they got pregnant. They were in their late 30’s when they had the ceremony.

The other mid-30’s couple across the street (no kids) also bought the house they live in and have shown no signs of wanting to marry any time soon.

I guess the bottom line is that adults will make choices according to their own consciences. If they believe living together to see how well they can get along is better than marrying and divorcing later then that’s what they’ll do. And most of society here is the US wouldn’t bat an eye at them for it.

 

[CarolNoel]

How sad! Follow church teachings brings joy !

You test drive cars not people!

Test drive cars not people. I like that!

 

[CaliLobo]

I disagree. There is more to living together than sex. Face it, people who decide to live together have usually been having lots of sex for at least a few months before making that decision. The idea usually is to have a sort of trial marriage to see if they can make an actual marriage work or if they are simply not compatible and should move on.

And it’s not a “young thing to do”. People of many age groups live together before marrying to test the waters or without plans to ever marry.

Most of my mothers friends lived with their spouses or ex spouses before marriage. That would be the 50-60 year olds now.

Heck my own mother lived with her fiance for 18 years before she passed away in 1996. They got engaged, bought the ring, had 2 kids together, raised 3 together, and just never saw the need to marry. She was Lutheran and he Catholic.

I lived with my husband before we married and I’m 38. Not exactly young.

The neighbors that bought the house across the street are in their 30’s with 6 kids and unmarried.

The neighbors next door lived together, bought a house together, and only recently married because they got pregnant. They were in their late 30’s when they had the ceremony.

The other mid-30’s couple across the street (no kids) also bought the house they live in and have shown no signs of wanting to marry any time soon.

I guess the bottom line is that adults will make choices according to their own consciences. If they believe living together to see how well they can get along is better than marrying and divorcing later then that’s what they’ll do. And most of society here is the US wouldn’t bat an eye at them for it.

Yes.

And another thing that leads people to cohabitate is the complexity and harshness of divorce laws. Many of us know people, maybe even our parents, that have been victimized by the tough settlements that divorce lawyers make, or the severe verdicts that family courts give out.

Having witnessed that, how could you blame someone who is afraid of the legal system?

Perhaps we need to reform divorce laws.

Jesus will forgive cohabitation…

 

[fred_conty]

Hello. I’m new here but I’ve stumbled on to this site a lot over the years when I am researching issues related to faith. You guys seem friendly and I’m hoping to get some help.

My 27 year old son has just moved in with his girlfriend of almost 3 years. I am so livid, sad, and hurt. I know I raised him to know better and to have more respect for himself and for God. I also feel completely helpless to turn this around. He has been financially independent since he graduated college, so I can’t threaten to cut off support. I tried to talk to him about it but he wasn’t open to discussing my concerns. The girl is nice, and I know they’re planning on marriage, but this is backwards. And I know this is selfish, but part of be is ashamed. I doubt anyone will judge me but I can’t help but worry that they might when they find out that my son is living in sin, as though I didn’t raise him properly or instill enough faith in him. My husband is very upset too, and I’ve spent much of the past few weeks trying to soothe his anger, though most of his seems to be directed at the girl. I’m upset with both of them, because I recognize that this was a joint decision, but she isn’t my child, he is, and I’m very hurt and shocked at the behavior of my son.

I don’t know if I’m looking for advice or just venting, but if you have any (name removed by moderator)ut or any ideas of what I can do to at least feel better if not fix the situation I would welcome it.

Cohabitation before marriage may be popular but Jesus did say outside of marriage that this is wrong. And the church he created says it too.

Having said that, once they are adults, they make their own choices and we cannot make them for them. And so “learn of me for I am meek and humble of heart” Jesus said. A nice word dropped here or there once in a while might do better to win them over.

Jesus was perfect and he still saw Judas betray him. And how did Jesus treat Judas at the Last Supper? Very nicely and even made it easy for Judas to slip away and betray him.

Of course being nice does not mean one agrees.

Sometime not too far in the future, a grandbaby will appear. He will need to experience the love of his grandparents. Being gentle will help insure that the child will have this because the baby will need lots of good people around it. Gentleness doesn’t mean approval.

May God bless and keep you. May God’s face shine on you. May God be kind to you and give you peace.