I love my asexual wife

[tafan]

The point is, for many asexuals sex is an upsetting and/or scarring experience. It is not the same as just performing an unpleasant chore, it can lead to feeling violated and hurt. It is Catholic teaching that sex should be a unitive act, and I don’t see how anything can be unitive when one feels pressured into it.

I think many in this thread may benefit from reading Asexuality: Myths, Misconceptions and Other Things That Are Just Plain Wrong. I doubt any of you will, but it’s a very useful and concise summary of asexuality.

To the OP, my partner wants to tell you you are a nice person Many asexuals suffer from feelings of guilt and inferiority because they feel pressured by society and/or their partners to have sex, when many do not feel comfortable with doing so.

I am confused, like I said I don’t know what asexuality is. In this post, you make it seem like sex is either mentally or physically painful. I would call this an illness, and illness can certainly be a reasonable cause to refuse the marriage debt. But I would think one would be obligated, out of love for spouse, to try to resolve the problem, medically, psychological help. Being married and finding sex a scarring experience is not normal.

Yet in post #54, you described sex as a doughnut, something you just don’t desire, that is not disgusting or that you hate,in fact you might even like it, you just dont have an urge to eat it. In this case, refusing the sex is certainly unreasonable and sinful.

So like I said, I don’t understand asexuality and this thread has had contradictory information about it. But it is really not pertinent towards my point. Illnesses can clearly be a reasonable cause to refuse sex. Almost every post I have made on this thread has either explicitly stated this, or has referenced a link to material that clearly states it. Simple lack of desire is not a reasonable cause to refuse sex.

 

[MadMax73]

Praise the Lord Jesus Christ!

I cannot begin to thank all of you for your conversation, suggestion, support and mostly prayers.

Last night my wife without any prompting gave herself to me. Afterwards, I asked her if that was her response and she said yes and apologized for the delay but she said that she wanted to respond in more than words.

Obviously we have a lot of work to do on communication, but she admitted that she was selfish to not “oblige the marital debt” (not her words but essentially the point).

A recent poster hit it right on the head with the cold country hot country idea. We fit that mold for sure. She said she would work on being more accepting of my touchiness and so forth.

I went to confession earlier in the day and offered up any sin that I had in this realm and I don’t think it is any coincidence that this issue began its resolution last evening.

Too much joy to continue typing. Again thank you all again. The road is long but I have renewed hope.


Pax Christi

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Praise the Lord Jesus Christ!

I cannot begin to thank all of you for your conversation, suggestion, support and mostly prayers.

Last night my wife without any prompting gave herself to me. Afterwards, I asked her if that was her response and she said yes and apologized for the delay but she said that she wanted to respond in more than words.

Obviously we have a lot of work to do on communication, but she admitted that she was selfish to not “oblige the marital debt” (not her words but essentially the point).

A recent poster hit it right on the head with the cold country hot country idea. We fit that mold for sure. She said she would work on being more accepting of my touchiness and so forth.

I went to confession earlier in the day and offered up any sin that I had in this realm and I don’t think it is any coincidence that this issue began its resolution last evening.

Too much joy to continue typing. Again thank you all again. The road is long but I have renewed hope.


Pax Christi

Wow!

:extrahappy::dancing:



Hopefully you two will work this out and we won’t hear from you again!

:aok::yyeess:

 

[Sarabande]

Praise the Lord Jesus Christ!

I cannot begin to thank all of you for your conversation, suggestion, support and mostly prayers.

Last night my wife without any prompting gave herself to me. Afterwards, I asked her if that was her response and she said yes and apologized for the delay but she said that she wanted to respond in more than words.

Obviously we have a lot of work to do on communication, but she admitted that she was selfish to not “oblige the marital debt” (not her words but essentially the point).

A recent poster hit it right on the head with the cold country hot country idea. We fit that mold for sure. She said she would work on being more accepting of my touchiness and so forth.

I went to confession earlier in the day and offered up any sin that I had in this realm and I don’t think it is any coincidence that this issue began its resolution last evening.

Too much joy to continue typing. Again thank you all again. The road is long but I have renewed hope.


Pax Christi

This is so wonderful to hear!!! :extrahappy: I’m very happy for the both of you. Just keep the communications going and continue praying together.

 

[Oh_Charlotte]

MadMax73, I have a link at the bottom of this thread I started:
forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=644653
And I think it might give you hope. Also the website of that pdf article has all kind of testamonies, and a forum. Its a new take on the problem…

 

[Pfaffenhoffen]

Praise the Lord Jesus Christ!

I cannot begin to thank all of you for your conversation, suggestion, support and mostly prayers.

Last night my wife without any prompting gave herself to me. Afterwards, I asked her if that was her response and she said yes and apologized for the delay but she said that she wanted to respond in more than words.

Obviously we have a lot of work to do on communication, but she admitted that she was selfish to not “oblige the marital debt” (not her words but essentially the point).

A recent poster hit it right on the head with the cold country hot country idea. We fit that mold for sure. She said she would work on being more accepting of my touchiness and so forth.

I went to confession earlier in the day and offered up any sin that I had in this realm and I don’t think it is any coincidence that this issue began its resolution last evening.

Too much joy to continue typing. Again thank you all again. The road is long but I have renewed hope.


Pax Christi

And this is just the beginning !!!

 

[Pfaffenhoffen]

I signed up to respond to this thread.

Asexual, great friend, shared activities, loyalty but no intimacy, everything looks fine and it doesn’t make sense that there’s a problem, there’s no doubt that you love each other but there’s a key part you feel like you’re missing, talk therapy doesn’t help, outsiders would never guess, physical exams come out fine, no trauma or abuse or anything that “caused” it and little to no recognition from the spouse that the lack of intimacy is not typical, and one woman here even said she found out that the key for her was that she has a visual mind and can identify with images over abstract ideas.

It sounds to me like you’re all talking about adults with autism/aspergers.

There’s a saying that goes, “When you’ve met one person with autism, you’ve met one person with autism.” Women with autism are a minority of a minority and not uncommonly have an even harder time of things because their autism is more likely to be overlooked while their awkwardness is less likely to be excused away. Every person has his or her own personality and experiences which interact with the autism, but there are consistent experiences that those who love people with autism bring up and that people with autism experience. This thread hits almost all of the common ones.

Asexual, I only know the “castrati”, who had beautiful voices.
Now every man wishes a woman and every woman wishes a man.
Now, I am going to tell a story, I hope it does not scandalize anyone.
Males want to spread their DNA and animals do it anywhere, without any respect for the people around. When a dog meets a female-dog and she is ready, he does it without any shame.
Now, many dogs have no chance and if they are full of sperm they become nervous an try to copulate with whatever comes on sight. The other day, I was talking to a lady, friend of mine, and his dog was trying to copulated with my left leg. The Lady did not say anything and I was afraid that my trousers would become dirty but at the same time, I would not dare to kick the dog out lest offend my friends. Well, I could diplomatically solve the question but since then I am always afraid of situations like these.

Now, with humans is the like. I think there are not asexual people. There are simply people who did not find his way.

If you read a book called: “Myself a Mandarin”, about the experiences of a Judge in Hong-Kong, you will see a case of a couple that were divorcing. Why? Because he felt that he could not bear her a child. But something odd seemed to be on the way. So, the Judge asked how was it that you make a child. They did not know. Open your mouth: they lived in a Sampan (Sam=3; Pan=board), a smallest boat made of 3 boards where they ate, slept, fished, and so on. The Judge said that he would teach them there but there were 3 translators in-between so he gave them the divorce (I was mad at the Judge when I read it !!!). So, they were not asexual. But can you believe that something like this could happen ?

Let’s not asexual to anybody unless all the hypothesis are tried.

 

[Pfaffenhoffen]

I threw the bait of the “massage” even without sex.
No one bit the bait?

 

[larsenl1]

I think I have got a collection of names. Now, a misogynist !!! And a chauvinist !!! God, what more?
Of course, it was a general statement. I know a lady who tells his husband every night (I know that through commons friends, ladies whom she talks to about that): “Stop watching TV and come to bed!” And the fellow (a Spanish bullfighter !!) there he goes to fulfill his marriage debt. And no talk of refusing because she tells that as an order…

OF COURSE THERE ARE WAYS to get him into it. I googled it and went to the first find about the erogenous points of man: goo.gl/po3JW and wikipedia’s goo.gl/3A8P and more 2,370,000 results. One of them is goo.gl/PL4If and it is meant for men, it is about women’s erogenous points.

Now, your husband reaches home over-tired. Marriage has gone for many years. You gains used to such and such sex-routine. (I AM SPEAKING AS A MAN and it is one of my problems) I know that ladies want is nice and beautiful, champagne and roses and who do not feel like doing that. And at the same time, you want to please your wife and so, you’re stuck. Moreover, as you said, maybe his libido has gone down.

May, and i put a paragraph, that could be a disease problem. Do you know that people who need Viagra also need treatment of the arteries? That lack of erection may mean blocked arteries and a health problem?

Anyhow, please do not give up. Do not feel that as an insult to you. There are many reasons for that. You are in a bad position for women want romance before sex and a passive husband hurts more (generally, I would say!) than a passive woman (generally).

Go for him, discover his switch on points, start by the least sensible and go up to the more sensible and have nice endings. He will thank, you will the well. It is not ideal for he should have started. But there is nothing ideal in this world.

You presume very much. I am not stupid. I know how to turn on a man. There is much to the situation that you do not know. I was simply responding to your statement that unrequitted sexual desire was a man’s issue. That is simply not true.

I was not asking for advice. I am happily married. Every marriage has some obstacles. Occasional is better than none. And thank you but his plumbing works fine. It is mental. Anyway I do not want to continue the debate with you. My sympathies are with MadMax.

 

[larsenl1]

Praise the Lord Jesus Christ!

I cannot begin to thank all of you for your conversation, suggestion, support and mostly prayers.

Last night my wife without any prompting gave herself to me. Afterwards, I asked her if that was her response and she said yes and apologized for the delay but she said that she wanted to respond in more than words.

Obviously we have a lot of work to do on communication, but she admitted that she was selfish to not “oblige the marital debt” (not her words but essentially the point).

A recent poster hit it right on the head with the cold country hot country idea. We fit that mold for sure. She said she would work on being more accepting of my touchiness and so forth.

I went to confession earlier in the day and offered up any sin that I had in this realm and I don’t think it is any coincidence that this issue began its resolution last evening.

Too much joy to continue typing. Again thank you all again. The road is long but I have renewed hope.


Pax Christi

As Lawrence Welk would say “Wonderful Wonderful”

 

[Pfaffenhoffen]

You presume very much. I am not stupid. I know how to turn on a man. There is much to the situation that you do not know. I was simply responding to your statement that unrequitted sexual desire was a man’s issue. That is simply not true.

I was not asking for advice. I am happily married. Every marriage has some obstacles. Occasional is better than none. And thank you but his plumbing works fine. It is mental. Anyway I do not want to continue the debate with you. My sympathies are with MadMax.

I apologize for offending you.

 

[kbachler]

In reply to your post: Yes, I have just “done it”. I have spent many, many times in the marriage bed in silent prayer, asking God to help me to enjoy this; to please my husband; to think of him and his needs; to relax; etc., so yes, I feel like I have tried to do this in an unselfish way. But, he knows and realizes that it’s a struggle for me, even when I think I’m being loving and giving. And, yes, I have had bloodwork done and it’s not hormonal. I certainly agree with you that the media has made it so difficult for men and women to know the reality of relationships because of how they romanticize everything, and also portray women in impossibly high beauty standards so that the women feel woefully inadequate and the men fanticize about supermodels.

My wife and I have been working on many issues, and are slowly communicating better. If she ever just “did it” with no desire, I would be quite upset. She also has the feeling that somehow all me - including me - fantasize about physically beautiful women. I love my wife and she is attractive to me - and the most attractive thing is when she fully opens herself, her mind, her body, her soul to me when we are together, allowing me to please her and be close to her. No supermodel can ever compete with that.

 

[Oh_Charlotte]

MadMax73, I have a link at the bottom of this thread I started:
forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=644653
And I think it might give you hope. Also the website of that pdf article has all kind of testamonies, and a forum. Its a new take on the problem…

Well now I think this might NOT be a good approach. Seems to not fit with what the Church seems to be teaching. And I am not an expert on that approach, and not an expert on our Church’s teaching, so i am just anyway not in a position at this time to concern myself with it, and I think I am just going to take “grandfather”'s suggestion in that thread and leave it all be and let nature take its course when the time comes…

 

[Pfaffenhoffen]

My wife and I have been working on many issues, and are slowly communicating better. If she ever just “did it” with no desire, I would be quite upset. She also has the feeling that somehow all me - including me - fantasize about physically beautiful women. I love my wife and she is attractive to me - and the most attractive thing is when she fully opens herself, her mind, her body, her soul to me when we are together, allowing me to please her and be close to her. No supermodel can ever compete with that.

My view, not yours.
If my wife does it with no wish, just to please me, I have no problem.
I have done the same to her, and I have no problem. I enjoy so much when she pulls me from my lethargic sofa and pulls me to love…
Myself, I feel that in today’s world when so many things pull spouses apart, to have spouses pushing one another towards love it is beautiful.
I like it.
My view and my experience and I do not want to sell it to anybody.

 

[Blacksword]

Everyday I have to cook meals for my kids, today I have to do laundry, they are obligations. my joyful burdens. I have no desire to do them, but I do them glady, out of love. Are these obligations as important as sex between a man and wife, I don’t know. Let say you are right, ok, I will give you another example.

Today was Sunday. This morning, the bed was very warm, it was cold outside, I could have stayed in bed all morning. I had no desire to get out of bed, get the kids to ready for mass, and load them all up and go to mass. But even without the desire, I wanted to, because that was my OBLIGATION. I cannot dispense with my obligation just because of lack of desire. Now, if I would have been sick, and unable to get out of bed because of the illness, then the obligation would have been removed. But as it was, I had no reasonable cause to not abide by my obligation; which is an obligation out of love to God. And I am so glad I didn’t. Mass was great.

Back to chores:
The OP wrote a letter to his wife about this. Lets assume a mother received a letter from one of my kids. "Mom, We decided we are just going to quit asking you to make our meals. You only feed us 4 or 5 times a year, and all the other times we ask you say no. It is just too painful to hear you say no. Don’t worry, the neighbors feed us every day or two, so we don’t go to bed hungry every night. "

Seems like a decent anaology to me, not perfect, but decent. We have obligations, founded in love, that we committed to a long time ago, freely. For whatever reason, we don’t have a desire to do so anymore. That does not relieve us of the obligation.

AMEN, a thousand MILLION times AMEN to this sir! You sir, are correct! And I’ve read through this thread and must say as well that I am confused by one poster saying that comparing continued refusal of one’s spouse to engage in intimate relations is fundamentally different from a husband suddenly saying “you know what? I never liked working much so I’m just not gonna go anymore” and becoming a bum. It’s completely comparable, as I, a victim of the huge bait-and-switch in sexual intimacy, have said a few times to my wife. It’s really about expectations I think, and maybe people don’t communicate them well enough to each other prior to marriage. My wife had a reasonable expectation that, as part of our marriage, I would work daily to further my career and provide a good standard of living for her. I had an expectation that the steamy, passionate sex life and intimacy we had together when dating (yes, I know, many sins of fornication, confessed and regretted, but at least done in love, desire, and passion for her) would continue within our marriage to a reasonable degree. Instead the ring went on and literally from that moment the passion, desire, and intimacy disappeared utterly. I know if I quit working she’d have left POST-HASTE, whereas I hang on, sacrificing myself, coping with the soul-destroying effects of constant rejection, and continuing to try to love her anyway, but the bitterness and resentment grows, and no amount of prayer takes it away. Distractions and activity to keep your mind occupied, weight training and running to physical exhaustion to help keep me too tired to boil over, that’s all that really helps me go on. I can run a six minute mile, deadlift 500 lbs., bench 350 lbs., squat 450, and physically look increasingly like a lighter, steroid-free version of Arnold from his Olympia days. At 35 I look better and can do more physically than I ever could in my life, but would gladly trade it for the passion and desire I hoped for in my marriage. I’d kill to have my wife look at me with fire in her eyes…but alas, my cross to bear, for my daughters’ sakes, and my wife’s, little thanks though she’s likely to give.

To the asexual posters I say this: we who are normal, sexually desirous people bear you no ill will. You don’t want sex, fine. But don’t deceive someone into marriage by pretending to be someone you’re not. Be celebate, become a priest or nun, or just remain single. Find someone if you wish who shares your lack of sexual desire if you like. But using a bait-and-switch to hook in a mate is an ugly, ugly deception. Just be honest about who you are and what you really want and need. And if you started out really liking sex but then changed your mind, frankly no, without good reason that’s not something you just get to unilaterally decide in a marriage if you want to stay married and happy, any more than one spouse can just decide to sleep with others, or quit working and supporting the family.

 

[Blacksword]

The point is, for many asexuals sex is an upsetting and/or scarring experience. It is not the same as just performing an unpleasant chore, it can lead to feeling violated and hurt. It is Catholic teaching that sex should be a unitive act, and I don’t see how anything can be unitive when one feels pressured into it.

I think many in this thread may benefit from reading Asexuality: Myths, Misconceptions and Other Things That Are Just Plain Wrong. I doubt any of you will, but it’s a very useful and concise summary of asexuality.

To the OP, my partner wants to tell you you are a nice person Many asexuals suffer from feelings of guilt and inferiority because they feel pressured by society and/or their partners to have sex, when many do not feel comfortable with doing so.

Again, no one’s pressuring you here. Be happy in your asexuality, really!. Just DON’T MARRY someone who isn’t aware of and doesn’t share your perspective in this…remain alone, or marry someone else who is asexual. Then no one will feel pressured into sexual relations with a spouse. In most cases I frankly think one person has deceived the other about their sexual desires and expectations, and that’s what I don’t understand. If a spouse had been upfont in the dating stage and said “look, I really just don’t like sex, I’m not into physical intimacy, and that’s just how I am, it won’t change”, and the dating partner went “OK, great!” but really, secretly, expected change, then that person was dumb and has no excuse. But that’s not what usually happens, is it? Instead, all too frequently, one person LIES about and totally misrepresents who they are in this CRITICAL area, and then expects the other person to just “deal with it” when the truth comes out, and woe be unto them if they don’t deal with it with a smile too.

 

[Blacksword]

Praise the Lord Jesus Christ!

I cannot begin to thank all of you for your conversation, suggestion, support and mostly prayers.

Last night my wife without any prompting gave herself to me. Afterwards, I asked her if that was her response and she said yes and apologized for the delay but she said that she wanted to respond in more than words.

Obviously we have a lot of work to do on communication, but she admitted that she was selfish to not “oblige the marital debt” (not her words but essentially the point).

A recent poster hit it right on the head with the cold country hot country idea. We fit that mold for sure. She said she would work on being more accepting of my touchiness and so forth.

I went to confession earlier in the day and offered up any sin that I had in this realm and I don’t think it is any coincidence that this issue began its resolution last evening.

Too much joy to continue typing. Again thank you all again. The road is long but I have renewed hope.


Pax Christi

MadMax,

I hate you, lol!!. Just kidding! I’m happy for your breakthrough, and I do hope this marks a big change, but I will pray for you to persevere if not, as unfortunately things often don’t go quite so smoothly in this area. Be hopeful, but be prepared for “relapses”. Good luck.

 

[GraceDK]

AMEN, a thousand MILLION times AMEN to this sir! You sir, are correct! And I’ve read through this thread and must say as well that I am confused by one poster saying that comparing continued refusal of one’s spouse to engage in intimate relations is fundamentally different from a husband suddenly saying “you know what? I never liked working much so I’m just not gonna go anymore” and becoming a bum. It’s completely comparable, as I, a victim of the huge bait-and-switch in sexual intimacy, have said a few times to my wife. It’s really about expectations I think, and maybe people don’t communicate them well enough to each other prior to marriage. My wife had a reasonable expectation that, as part of our marriage, I would work daily to further my career and provide a good standard of living for her. I had an expectation that the steamy, passionate sex life and intimacy we had together when dating (yes, I know, many sins of fornication, confessed and regretted, but at least done in love, desire, and passion for her) would continue within our marriage to a reasonable degree. Instead the ring went on and literally from that moment the passion, desire, and intimacy disappeared utterly. I know if I quit working she’d have left POST-HASTE, whereas I hang on, sacrificing myself, coping with the soul-destroying effects of constant rejection, and continuing to try to love her anyway, but the bitterness and resentment grows, and no amount of prayer takes it away. Distractions and activity to keep your mind occupied, weight training and running to physical exhaustion to help keep me too tired to boil over, that’s all that really helps me go on. I can run a six minute mile, deadlift 500 lbs., bench 350 lbs., squat 450, and physically look increasingly like a lighter, steroid-free version of Arnold from his Olympia days. At 35 I look better and can do more physically than I ever could in my life, but would gladly trade it for the passion and desire I hoped for in my marriage. I’d kill to have my wife look at me with fire in her eyes…but alas, my cross to bear, for my daughters’ sakes, and my wife’s, little thanks though she’s likely to give.

To the asexual posters I say this: we who are normal, sexually desirous people bear you no ill will. You don’t want sex, fine. But don’t deceive someone into marriage by pretending to be someone you’re not. Be celebate, become a priest or nun, or just remain single. Find someone if you wish who shares your lack of sexual desire if you like. But using a bait-and-switch to hook in a mate is an ugly, ugly deception. Just be honest about who you are and what you really want and need. And if you started out really liking sex but then changed your mind, frankly no, without good reason that’s not something you just get to unilaterally decide in a marriage if you want to stay married and happy, any more than one spouse can just decide to sleep with others, or quit working and supporting the family.

What about your friendship?

How is that going? You mention you had passionate sex during dating, but did you also have a passionate friendship, ability to speak and communicate in other ways, find each others oppinions and characters as fascinating as the bodily aspect??

I think your wife is very unfair , unless of course you guys are really not treating each other nicely in other aspects (if you aren’t getting a long a woman has no sexual interest)…
I think you ought to tell her you are going out of your mind. Yes indeed, its okay to get angry and tell her that very straight out. And tell her to go to a sexologist or therapist with you.

When you speak you sound like you would not have married her if you had known she would not be very interested in sex.?
Do you live in absolute abstinence or just do it rarely? What reasons does you wife have for rejecting you? What did she say about that?

 

[Smugleaf]

Again, no one’s pressuring you here. Be happy in your asexuality, really!. Just DON’T MARRY someone who isn’t aware of and doesn’t share your perspective in this…remain alone, or marry someone else who is asexual. Then no one will feel pressured into sexual relations with a spouse. In most cases I frankly think one person has deceived the other about their sexual desires and expectations, and that’s what I don’t understand. If a spouse had been upfont in the dating stage and said “look, I really just don’t like sex, I’m not into physical intimacy, and that’s just how I am, it won’t change”, and the dating partner went “OK, great!” but really, secretly, expected change, then that person was dumb and has no excuse. But that’s not what usually happens, is it? Instead, all too frequently, one person LIES about and totally misrepresents who they are in this CRITICAL area, and then expects the other person to just “deal with it” when the truth comes out, and woe be unto them if they don’t deal with it with a smile too.

Hey man, I’m not asexual. My partner is, but that’s not why I took a stand in this thread. I took a stand because I am tired of seeing other people’s experiences being erased over and over on these forums. Every single demographic that does not belong to certain posters’ views of the world gets either erased or invalidated. People who aren’t straight, people who aren’t cisgendered, people who are unemployed, even people who are simply a different Christian denomination. There is a lot of prejudice on these forums, but I am willing to give the benefit of the doubt to those that truly do “love the sinner” and assume it is through ignorance. This is why I tried to come on here and explain asexuality the best way that I, a sexual person, can understand it, and link to resources from those who know more.

Another thing: no asexual person who is a semi-decent human being would marry someone and conceal their lack of desire for sex to deceive. Asexual people, like many groups not openly accepted by society, often struggle with their nature and try to “fix” themselves. They think they may be able to force themselves to be sexual, or maybe it will “go away” if they get together with a partner they love. They may hope so hard that it will just disappear that they don’t tell anyone while they endlessly wait. Or they may not tell them out of fear of being judged and ridiculed. And, to refer to your post, called “not normal”.

 

[Blacksword]

What about your friendship?

How is that going? You mention you had passionate sex during dating, but did you also have a passionate friendship, ability to speak and communicate in other ways, find each others oppinions and characters as fascinating as the bodily aspect??

I think your wife is very unfair , unless of course you guys are really not treating each other nicely in other aspects (if you aren’t getting a long a woman has no sexual interest)…
I think you ought to tell her you are going out of your mind. Yes indeed, its okay to get angry and tell her that very straight out. And tell her to go to a sexologist or therapist with you.

When you speak you sound like you would not have married her if you had known she would not be very interested in sex.?
Do you live in absolute abstinence or just do it rarely? What reasons does you wife have for rejecting you? What did she say about that?

We had a good friendship before marriage, different interests, but we accommodated those interests and still do. She wasn’t into basketball, now watches the Celtics with me dedicatedly. And I know more about Louis Vitton and Chanel purses and hand bags than any normal straight man probably should know! Of course, our friendship now is rather strained, as is wont to happen when sexual and intimacy issues are such a wedge. It’s sadly ironic that the thing that is meant to bring the greatest source of physical pleasure and intimacy we will know in this life has brought me and my marriage pain, division and strife.

I treat her well as possible really, I try to be Christ-like, kind and loving. I’ve asked repeatedly for counseling or her to at least seek medical assessment, she refuses. No, I would not have married if I’d known what was in store, but at the same time I am trapped emotionally there too, as with the most beautiful daughter in the world (in my opinion anyway!) and another to be coming in the future, I can hardly say it was a mistake. How could something that was a mistake result in a daughter like I have, after all?

The sex isn’t never, it’s very seldom, like weeks or months in between, and with little or no passion or real desire on her part when it happens. And no cuddling, hugging, kissing, or any other physical affection outside the bedroom, she just doesn’t want to be touched. There’s no reasons for it really other than she doesn’t feel like it regarding sex, and physical affection between married persons of intimate but non-sexual nature is odd for her since she’s Japanese. Dating couples in love are very demonstrative there, but I guess that dies instantly on marriage. Wish someone had clued me in on that before-hand!