L
Luna_Lovecraft
Guest
[SIGN]AMEN[/SIGN]
- Status
B
Blacksword
Guest
I’m sorry if any offense was given. I’m not sure who is judging, I’m not judging…I just think more honesty and openness about these things early on saves a lot of pain later. I think many marry because they want love, which is normal. They just aren’t fully open about what love means to them and how they are really able and desirous of showing it. And some people may be perfectly normal in having sexual desires, but get bored in marriage or lose interest, and then jump on the designation of being “asexual” as though now since it has an official label their spouse should accept them that way, rather then expecting a commitment to change and working on the issue. And when I say “normal” that also carries no judgment, it’s an appropriate term. Most people, the typical person, desire sexual contact. Ergo, that is “normal”. If I were born lacking one finger, that would be abnormal, any judgment aside, as it is normal for humans to have ten fingers. That’s all that the term meant. I pray for you as well, since you too are dealing with this burden in life.
G
GraceDK
Guest
It sounds like she is not asexual if she really enjoyed sex earlier right?We had a good friendship before marriage, different interests, but we accommodated those interests and still do. She wasn’t into basketball, now watches the Celtics with me dedicatedly. And I know more about Louis Vitton and Chanel purses and hand bags than any normal straight man probably should know! Of course, our friendship now is rather strained, as is wont to happen when sexual and intimacy issues are such a wedge. It’s sadly ironic that the thing that is meant to bring the greatest source of physical pleasure and intimacy we will know in this life has brought me and my marriage pain, division and strife.
I treat her well as possible really, I try to be Christ-like, kind and loving. I’ve asked repeatedly for counseling or her to at least seek medical assessment, she refuses. No, I would not have married if I’d known what was in store, but at the same time I am trapped emotionally there too, as with the most beautiful daughter in the world (in my opinion anyway!) and another to be coming in the future, I can hardly say it was a mistake. How could something that was a mistake result in a daughter like I have, after all?
The sex isn’t never, it’s very seldom, like weeks or months in between, and with little or no passion or real desire on her part when it happens. And no cuddling, hugging, kissing, or any other physical affection outside the bedroom, she just doesn’t want to be touched. There’s no reasons for it really other than she doesn’t feel like it regarding sex, and physical affection between married persons of intimate but non-sexual nature is odd for her since she’s Japanese. Dating couples in love are very demonstrative there, but I guess that dies instantly on marriage. Wish someone had clued me in on that before-hand!
You mention basketball and Chanel Purses, but these things are very superficial. I mean, why did you fall in love with her. What is it about her personality that strikes you so much that you decided to wanna marry her. What is she passionate about, what are her values and oppinions. I like nice clothes and bags too, but so does every other lady in the world.
What I am saying is, maybe you need to dig up some of those reasons you once had, where you wanted to marry her. I assume you didn’t just marry her for the sexual aspect, but because she was your best friend and you envisioned her as your companion through life.
Maybe you guys should work more on getting some deeper connection about more important things… like, maybe you could do some cool stuff together, something active and demanding cooperation etc… so that she would see you in ever new lights and also be reminded why she found you sexually attractive back then.
Sexuality in women is so bound up on psychological wellbeing… Eg. Im not married but I did sometimes too seek illicit nearness with boyfriends. Well… the moments where I was most attracted to my exboyfriend as a person, and therefore also sexually - were when we had really good discussions and he made me sit in awe about how he thought about things… or when he was out doing stuff that I really admired. Like once I called him, and he was in the middle of street evangelisation in a most hostile place… I felt I was about to explode with joy at having the love of this man. Another time is when we walked past some dirty image on a wall and he said: “Sometimes I am ashamed of my own gender… some men are really animals. No wonder many women feel degraded .” (this was huge for me becasue I have been abused in the past) or like when he said he might enter some work to help prostitutes get off the street… It made me wanna cry with joy and say: “LOOK Everybody! Im sitting with the most attractive man in this city!” Because I felt safe with him and admired him, and felt we had a deep intimacy and he had interest in my throughts and oppinions (we often talked about religion, books, experiences) I also felt sexually very attracted to him…
In the last phase of our relationship he started to draw into himself… would read the news all the time… did not reach out to me in conversation anymore and seemed more passionate about many other things than about our communication and friendship. When he tried to grap me physically I started to distrust him and felt used by him. After a while we shared less and less, the intimacy went down on all levels. We are now not together anymore.
I don’t know if you are still reading. I say all this to tell you how a woman works. I doubt if Japanese ladies are all that different… is she grown up in the States or did you meet her in Japan. I do know that Japanese people don’t show their emotions so much as Western people, they have a great sense of “face” and properness.
I still have feelings for my exboyfriend… If he would be my FRIEND again, I would trust him and let him come close. But I need to know he would be there for me and care about my soul and intellect through life… else I cannot feel safe and I cannot give myself.
Dont know if this helps…
T
TheRealJuliane
Guest
One of the most erotic things my husband ever did was to take care of his sons’ needs - things I normally did for them. Also, if they were misbehaving and he disciplined them well, that was “sexy” to me, it made him attractive as a husband and father. I felt supported then, as if he really and truly cared for me. Men don’t understand the elements that make up womens’ sexuality - it’s so rarely about physical things. GraceDK is very insightful about these things. If there is little emotional connection, it’s very difficult for a woman to want physical connection. I have tried over and over to make this clear to my husband but he either just doesn’t get it, or he doesn’t want to understand.
K
kbachler
Guest
This is something I’ve known for a long time - but as we drew apart early in our marriage my ability to do these sort of things for her waned – I could not keep doing them long enough to draw her back toward me (and I’m certain she would say the same about things she tried) so that over time - with neither one of us getting our emotional batteries recharged, the love often becomes war and bitterness, because the happiness not realized leads to a struggle for power.
We are doing better, and as anyone who goes through therapy knows, issues you have as a child can play into these adult issues, without ever knowing it. Yesterday we wanted to be together - but her son (my stepson) and wife (my dil) and dil’s sister and husband were coming over for dinner and to celebrate son’s birthday. My son, now 26, is everything to my wife, his birthday is always an important celebration for her.
We talked in the morning and agreed that some “personal face time” was very important to us that day. But there was a lot to do. We talked again around noon, and she suggested that maybe we should take a break then. And I said no, I know you. You will be concerned about the party later if we stop now. So let’s get ready for tonite first. I want 2 hours of your undivided attention - no distractions from us. I had worked all morning to clean - doing counters, laundry etc. while she ran errands, and continued to help till a little after 2, at which point the house was sparkling. She finished baking a cake at 3 pm. while I was taking a shower. When I came out of the bathroom I find her waiting for me in our bedroom with the left over whipped cream from the birthday cake (something she has never done.)
We made a team effort, both with respect to her tasks - getting ready for the party - and our joint desire to be together. And, I “forced” her to put party prep first and not feel guilty about doing so - which she would normally do because she would feel like she was ignoring me. She wasn’t ignoring me by waiting - we were a team, working together, for both tasks.
We still have a lot of work to do, but the last several weeks have been much more positive than the prior 2 years (and the 18-19 before that!)
T
TheRealJuliane
Guest
Sounds great!This is something I’ve known for a long time - but as we drew apart early in our marriage my ability to do these sort of things for her waned – I could not keep doing them long enough to draw her back toward me (and I’m certain she would say the same about things she tried) so that over time - with neither one of us getting our emotional batteries recharged, the love often becomes war and bitterness, because the happiness not realized leads to a struggle for power.
We are doing better, and as anyone who goes through therapy knows, issues you have as a child can play into these adult issues, without ever knowing it. Yesterday we wanted to be together - but her son (my stepson) and wife (my dil) and dil’s sister and husband were coming over for dinner and to celebrate son’s birthday. My son, now 26, is everything to my wife, his birthday is always an important celebration for her.
We talked in the morning and agreed that some “personal face time” was very important to us that day. But there was a lot to do. We talked again around noon, and she suggested that maybe we should take a break then. And I said no, I know you. You will be concerned about the party later if we stop now. So let’s get ready for tonite first. I want 2 hours of your undivided attention - no distractions from us. I had worked all morning to clean - doing counters, laundry etc. while she ran errands, and continued to help till a little after 2, at which point the house was sparkling. She finished baking a cake at 3 pm. while I was taking a shower. When I came out of the bathroom I find her waiting for me in our bedroom with the left over whipped cream from the birthday cake (something she has never done.)
We made a team effort, both with respect to her tasks - getting ready for the party - and our joint desire to be together. And, I “forced” her to put party prep first and not feel guilty about doing so - which she would normally do because she would feel like she was ignoring me. She wasn’t ignoring me by waiting -** we were a team, working together, for both tasks.**
We still have a lot of work to do, but the last several weeks have been much more positive than the prior 2 years (and the 18-19 before that!)
Very glad to hear this good news!!!
M
MadMax73
Guest
Hey folks,
Since I was the OP I thought I would update you all on my situation.
We have not had sex since the night I mentioned, but part of that time was fertile time. Not a big deal since usual lapse between love making is two to three months.
On the brighter note my wife has been much more passionate in her hello and goodbye kisses and hasn’t brushed me off when I am looking for quick hugs snuck in around the house. This, to me, is a monumental break through.
Like I may have mentioned in previous posts I am almost 40 going on 18 so feeling the giddyness of a teenager is quite a boost to the day.
Since I was the OP I thought I would update you all on my situation.
We have not had sex since the night I mentioned, but part of that time was fertile time. Not a big deal since usual lapse between love making is two to three months.
On the brighter note my wife has been much more passionate in her hello and goodbye kisses and hasn’t brushed me off when I am looking for quick hugs snuck in around the house. This, to me, is a monumental break through.
Like I may have mentioned in previous posts I am almost 40 going on 18 so feeling the giddyness of a teenager is quite a boost to the day.
P
Pfaffenhoffen
Guest
A light in the end of the tunnel.
Go ahead, boy !!!
Look: are you using all the battery of possibilites, calendar, termo, mucus, added symptoms to calculate the ovulation period? It is quite hard and you have got to use all the means you have at hand to get it right.
But, above all,
Love always wins.
T
TheRealJuliane
Guest
Good. Glad to hear this good news. Try not to put pressure on her but enjoy the physical contact without conditions. (I know, I know, that is not easy for men.)
D
Deo_Gratias42
Guest
Actually, no does mean no. Husbands and wives can be charged with raping their spouse.
K
knotanes
Guest
I think this is an excellent analogy. As a person with no real interest or drive, myself, I don’t think I’m a horrible person for it. It frees up my thinking in a lot of ways, really. For one thing, I know and my husband knows that I’ll never, ever, ever cheat
and when we’re old and can’t do it anymore, he knows I’ll still be in love with him.That said, we have four living children and one we lost in the space of 13 years together. We do have our moments of not “getting together”, largely due to age of children and pace of living, but we’re still doing better than 4 times a year. More like a few times per month–just not every day, or even necessarily every week.
It’s a major sacrifice for me, because I really, truly, don’t like it 99% of the time. I love my husband, though. He knows how I am, but he accepts it. That’s hard for a man to do. Most men would leave a wife like me…or never marry me… because our society is obsessed with sex and constantly bombards men, making even their natural state of physical neediness soar through the roof.
I do get a little irritated with people who think it’s horrible NOT to have near-constant desire, even for the person you love. It’s not my fault I don’t have it. I still love, I just don’t have a deep interest in that aspect of love. I mean, asexuals just love differently. We’re not defective. In a lot of ways, I think we’re better off. Endless appetite for anything would be difficult and distracting from the complexity and wonder of life outside of physical pleasure.
We do still have to do it (like eating healthy or drinking water) if we’re married. Probably, most asexuals would be happier living the life of a religious where there’s no pressure for something they don’t want. But, that’s not always the case and not always possible for one reason or another.
Again… I don’t believe you can always “medicate” or “therapy” away an innate quality of an individual. Maybe in some cases there is a medical cause. But, I am perfectly healthy and just not all that interested. No fault to my husband at all. He’s attractive and loves me/the kids. That’s why I make the sacrifice to at least try to be there for him in that way… even if mentally, I just don’t “get it” or understand why he feels the way he does about the act.
K
knotanes
Guest
I just wanted to say, I admire your love and restraint. This has to be a difficult situation, but it is clear you truly love your wife in the fullest sense. She’s lucky to have you.
P
Pfaffenhoffen
Guest
Did you read all the posts ?
You are completely out of time, out of space, out of sight and, finally, out of correctness.
T
TheRealJuliane
Guest
This discussion was “put to bed” long ago. Please do not wake it up again! I beg you NOT to respond to Pfaffenhoffen’s latest post. It will only start the whole nasty argument up again.
F
FallingBlossom
Guest
OP, I’m happy that things have picked up for you.
I’m just going to say a few things here, from the perspective of a young woman who is Catholic and identifies as asexual. I’m a new poster and I came here because I discovered this thread and felt quite a mixture of emotions whilst reading.
A consideration for the men of this forum is this: for a woman, sex involves the invasion of her body. Be careful with her, kind and respectful - obviously, because of the differences between our anatomy and psychological make up, sex is a very different experience for women than it is for men. I’m fairly sure everyone here is aware of this, but occasionally it’s good to reframe things.
Asexuality is not - I repeat, not - a psychiatric or physical disorder. It is simply a lack of sexual attraction. I study psychology and counselling at a tertiary level, I can make these statements with confidence. The doughnut analogy is brilliant, I think. Someone may not mind eating doughnuts but doesn’t feel an urge to chow it down as soon as they see one. An asexual - such as your wife, OP - may enjoy sex but just doesn’t feel the need to have it. And this is through no fault of her own - it’s the way God made her, and I’m glad that you still love her even though it’s been difficult for you both.
Just because someone doesn’t really see the need to express their love through sex does not mean that there’s something wrong with them. I’ve suspected since I was around 17 that I was asexual and now at 20 I know that’s the case. I never saw it as being a problem. And so I felt very upset when, while reading some of the posts here, I realised that people actually might think there’s something wrong with me and that I have Asperger’s or Autism…
An asexual can still love, and love extremely deeply (myself, for example) - the only difference is that the sexual component of that love is lacking. We as Christians love God deeply and sometimes we feel it very strongly, when we are in a state of consolation, and yet we don’t feel a sexual attraction towards God (I feel weird typing that =P). This is what love is like for many asexuals.
Once again, I hope things go well for you, OP, and I congratulate both you and your wife for continuing to love one another and work through things despite your differences.
I’m just going to say a few things here, from the perspective of a young woman who is Catholic and identifies as asexual. I’m a new poster and I came here because I discovered this thread and felt quite a mixture of emotions whilst reading.
A consideration for the men of this forum is this: for a woman, sex involves the invasion of her body. Be careful with her, kind and respectful - obviously, because of the differences between our anatomy and psychological make up, sex is a very different experience for women than it is for men. I’m fairly sure everyone here is aware of this, but occasionally it’s good to reframe things.
Asexuality is not - I repeat, not - a psychiatric or physical disorder. It is simply a lack of sexual attraction. I study psychology and counselling at a tertiary level, I can make these statements with confidence. The doughnut analogy is brilliant, I think. Someone may not mind eating doughnuts but doesn’t feel an urge to chow it down as soon as they see one. An asexual - such as your wife, OP - may enjoy sex but just doesn’t feel the need to have it. And this is through no fault of her own - it’s the way God made her, and I’m glad that you still love her even though it’s been difficult for you both.
Just because someone doesn’t really see the need to express their love through sex does not mean that there’s something wrong with them. I’ve suspected since I was around 17 that I was asexual and now at 20 I know that’s the case. I never saw it as being a problem. And so I felt very upset when, while reading some of the posts here, I realised that people actually might think there’s something wrong with me and that I have Asperger’s or Autism…
An asexual can still love, and love extremely deeply (myself, for example) - the only difference is that the sexual component of that love is lacking. We as Christians love God deeply and sometimes we feel it very strongly, when we are in a state of consolation, and yet we don’t feel a sexual attraction towards God (I feel weird typing that =P). This is what love is like for many asexuals.
Once again, I hope things go well for you, OP, and I congratulate both you and your wife for continuing to love one another and work through things despite your differences.
B
BriannaB
Guest
Forcing your spouse to have sex with you is a sin. You do not “owe” each other sex. She could have some physical or psychological disorder with low sex drive as a symptom, but asexuality is not a disorder. It is just an orientation, and it is perfectly fine. It is wonderful that you can communicate so well together.
You’re telling me she only agreed to make love to you 4 times a year??
This is awful and I am so sorry. Withholding sex from a spouse is a serious sin and she needs to seek some spiritual and professional counseling.
B
BriannaB
Guest
It’s great to see that you can get along and compromise with each other. As for the OP, I’m happy to see that things are picking up, however slightly. It’s wonderful that you can still have that “teenage spark.” It looks like both of you are putting in major effort, and that matters a lot. For other people, this might help (the OP seems to be dealing with the situation very effectively.) asexuality.org/en/index.php?/topic/71728-we-broke-up/I think this is an excellent analogy. As a person with no real interest or drive, myself, I don’t think I’m a horrible person for it. It frees up my thinking in a lot of ways, really. For one thing, I know and my husband knows that I’ll never, ever, ever cheat
That said, we have four living children and one we lost in the space of 13 years together. We do have our moments of not “getting together”, largely due to age of children and pace of living, but we’re still doing better than 4 times a year. More like a few times per month–just not every day, or even necessarily every week.
It’s a major sacrifice for me, because I really, truly, don’t like it 99% of the time. I love my husband, though. He knows how I am, but he accepts it. That’s hard for a man to do. Most men would leave a wife like me…or never marry me… because our society is obsessed with sex and constantly bombards men, making even their natural state of physical neediness soar through the roof.
I do get a little irritated with people who think it’s horrible NOT to have near-constant desire, even for the person you love. It’s not my fault I don’t have it. I still love, I just don’t have a deep interest in that aspect of love. I mean, asexuals just love differently. We’re not defective. In a lot of ways, I think we’re better off. Endless appetite for anything would be difficult and distracting from the complexity and wonder of life outside of physical pleasure.
We do still have to do it (like eating healthy or drinking water) if we’re married. Probably, most asexuals would be happier living the life of a religious where there’s no pressure for something they don’t want. But, that’s not always the case and not always possible for one reason or another.
Again… I don’t believe you can always “medicate” or “therapy” away an innate quality of an individual. Maybe in some cases there is a medical cause. But, I am perfectly healthy and just not all that interested. No fault to my husband at all. He’s attractive and loves me/the kids. That’s why I make the sacrifice to at least try to be there for him in that way… even if mentally, I just don’t “get it” or understand why he feels the way he does about the act.
R
rn2god
Guest
You obviously don’t have a clue or took some really strange vows.
I
Irishmom2
Guest
And this thread is 2 years old and should not have been resurrected unless you are the OP.
G
grigster
Guest
I have been married to an asexual wife for 28 years. So much pain and tumult…how can one not take it personally? Remember, asexuals can have sex and orgasms. It is like they are indifferent to it and concede to having sex only for the spouse.
This marital trauma is compounded by the asexual spouse who doesn’t want to recognize this reality. They often make the spouse seeking deeper sexual intimacy feel dirty and perverted. We spouses end up with the crumbs reluctantly shared.
I found peace with our relationship by viewing her asexuality as an affliction. This was not a choice for her; she has always been this way. The same for her mother, grandmother and siblings. I was just blinded by love to see it.
I had to ask myself if I would end our marriage if she was involved in a horrible accident and couldn’t give our marriage the gift of her sex. Of course I wouldn’t! So, I put it into that category. I stopped trying to convince, conjole or inspire her to be more intimate.
it’s just not sex either. I thinks its more accurate to say “a-intimacy.” Deep sharing is just anathema to her and doesn’t occur to them.
So, I chose peace instead of fighting the decades long battle for a deeper connection.
Sometimes peace is better than being right.
This marital trauma is compounded by the asexual spouse who doesn’t want to recognize this reality. They often make the spouse seeking deeper sexual intimacy feel dirty and perverted. We spouses end up with the crumbs reluctantly shared.
I found peace with our relationship by viewing her asexuality as an affliction. This was not a choice for her; she has always been this way. The same for her mother, grandmother and siblings. I was just blinded by love to see it.
I had to ask myself if I would end our marriage if she was involved in a horrible accident and couldn’t give our marriage the gift of her sex. Of course I wouldn’t! So, I put it into that category. I stopped trying to convince, conjole or inspire her to be more intimate.
it’s just not sex either. I thinks its more accurate to say “a-intimacy.” Deep sharing is just anathema to her and doesn’t occur to them.
So, I chose peace instead of fighting the decades long battle for a deeper connection.
Sometimes peace is better than being right.
- Status