From your recent posts, it sounds to me that he really struggles with empathy sometimes, but that other times, it just clicks for him. If someone else is being rude or taking advantage of you, he sees it and it makes him mad for you. But he doesn’t see it when he is the one at fault. This may never completely change, but one thing you can do is to learn how to set boundaries for yourself, professionally, and within interpersonal relationships. I do not see your situation or your marriage as irredeemable. I see that there is an unhealthy pattern here, but that you actually do have a great deal of control, which you have not yet realized and accepted.
For example, my husband comes from a family of generations of men who are prideful, who will not apologize, and who have a giant temper problem. One time, he was so mad at me that he flung a TV remote across the room, and it bounced off the floor and hit me in my knee pretty hard. I knew that it actually striking me was an accident, but the point is, he threw something in a rage, he wanted to threaten and intimidate me to get his way, and I was struck. I immediately took a stand. I had already seen enough of his temper to know that if I didn’t stand up for myself, it was likely to get worse, not better. I told him that throwing objects in a rage, and striking me, even if by accident, was not acceptable and I would not tolerate it. Over time, he has learned, with my firm rebukes, to control his temper. He is a much gentler man now. He stopped throwing things at people, and switched to throwing or hitting things away from people, and then moved to only occasionally breaking something in anger when no one is in the room, to having it be years since the last time he did something so destructive. Every time he got destructive, I would say loudly and firmly, but respectfully for him as a person, that such is not acceptable, I expect better of him, and he must not do such things. This is one way in which me standing up for myself forced him to change, not by begging or pleading, but simply because I was drawing a boundary and I would not tolerate him crossing that boundary in my presence. A few weeks ago, he went through a really difficult time with the children, and when he knew that he was getting emotionally unsafe, he went and locked himself in the bedroom to control himself before coming back out to rejoin the family being completely in control.
This is the kind of thing that a wife can help her husband with, urging him to be the best man he can be, not by nagging or complaining, but simply by setting appropriate boundaries and sticking to them. If the husband wants to cross those boundaries, then the wife can remove herself from the situation. There have been times where my husband was saying nasty/rude things or getting enraged, and I looked at him straight in the face and said, I do not have to tolerate this, and I just walked away. If he followed me, I called attention to the fact that he was pursuing me to continue his poor behavior and that was not acceptable. I have never gotten to the point where I actually had to leave the house. After dealing with his outbursts calmly and firmly like this over the years, I have demonstrated my own strength as a person and a wife, and he has mellowed out a lot. He knows that I love and respect him, and that I will stand up for myself without throwing a fit, and that I am not going to leave him for his faults, but neither will I just put up with it.
Sorry for the long post. I have read through your threads and I ended up having quite a few memories pop up from our more challenging times in marriage. We had happy times then, too, but sometimes it was really hard. Only you can decide if a similar approach will work for you and your marriage. But one thing is certain: NOBODY should have to silently absorb boundary violations from ANYONE ever. You should never ever ever feel guilty about saying “stop” or “no” or “I don’t like it when you treat me that way” or “I will not tolerate that”. Everyone has the right to set their own boundaries, and if a person does not set their own boundaries, then someone else will decide upon whatever boundaries (or no boundaries at all) that they feel expeditious and advantageous to them.
God bless!
May God sanctify you in this trial.
