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shelby_sun
Guest
That sounds very childish. I would say something like " look at it this way, you get some time of for yourself to do whatever you want and I know you have more exciting things to do than have lunch with two women.
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EvelynEVF
Guest
Not to mention that I’m guessing you would prefer he not be there, which he probably realizes.
OP, your situation sounds a lot like mine, and I did eventually have no choice but to leave. It is a difficult thing to take the blinders off, because now you’re going to see and understand stuff that you overlooked before, and dealing with the truth of abuse is really, really hard. He will get worse before he gets better (if he gets better) because you are now threatening the status quo that he has enjoyed for years. Some men will learn a lesson from it, but some will not have the humility to do anything but attack.
It is very tough with kids, but remember that your son is learning a lot from his dad, about how to treat you and people in general and his future wife. That has to be part of what you weigh as you discern where to go from here.
OP, your situation sounds a lot like mine, and I did eventually have no choice but to leave. It is a difficult thing to take the blinders off, because now you’re going to see and understand stuff that you overlooked before, and dealing with the truth of abuse is really, really hard. He will get worse before he gets better (if he gets better) because you are now threatening the status quo that he has enjoyed for years. Some men will learn a lesson from it, but some will not have the humility to do anything but attack.
It is very tough with kids, but remember that your son is learning a lot from his dad, about how to treat you and people in general and his future wife. That has to be part of what you weigh as you discern where to go from here.
O
oneofmany
Guest
For all the posters on here who suggest mega1 leave or divorce her husband, we need to think about what my priest said in his homily tonight. When we go to confession we also need to think----did we encourage someone else to commit a sin? That is sinful and we would need to confess that.
God hates divorce. I want to encourage mega1 to think of all the ways she can keep her marriage intact. Sometimes, I would say most of the time, divorce brings more problems with it than it solves.
I married a divorced man so I am saying this from someone who has, if you think about it, benefited from his divorce but it is still evil and I wish he didn’t need to go through that or his kids. It’s awful with the lawyers and court, etc. Counselors get involved and people are out a small fortune. Kids are dragged for counseling when the parents should have worked on their problems years earlier.
Is my hubby perfect? No way but than neither am I. Do we take our vows seriously? For better or worse. That is what the vows say and that is what they mean.
I am not saying stay at any cost but I haven’t seen any reason mega1 has for a divorce. The only 3 problems that I have heard for divorce is----physical abuse, infidelity or addiction. You may say emotional abuse is just as bad but we can all control how we react to harsh words. Plus, we can learn how to speak up and I think mega1 is doing that.
I think we need to pray for her to find a way to fix her marriage and to get stronger in doing so. Like they say, we can divorce but we still take our problems into the next marriage if we don’t find out what our part was in it’s failure. We need to keep praying for mega1 and her family.
God hates divorce. I want to encourage mega1 to think of all the ways she can keep her marriage intact. Sometimes, I would say most of the time, divorce brings more problems with it than it solves.
I married a divorced man so I am saying this from someone who has, if you think about it, benefited from his divorce but it is still evil and I wish he didn’t need to go through that or his kids. It’s awful with the lawyers and court, etc. Counselors get involved and people are out a small fortune. Kids are dragged for counseling when the parents should have worked on their problems years earlier.
Is my hubby perfect? No way but than neither am I. Do we take our vows seriously? For better or worse. That is what the vows say and that is what they mean.
I am not saying stay at any cost but I haven’t seen any reason mega1 has for a divorce. The only 3 problems that I have heard for divorce is----physical abuse, infidelity or addiction. You may say emotional abuse is just as bad but we can all control how we react to harsh words. Plus, we can learn how to speak up and I think mega1 is doing that.
I think we need to pray for her to find a way to fix her marriage and to get stronger in doing so. Like they say, we can divorce but we still take our problems into the next marriage if we don’t find out what our part was in it’s failure. We need to keep praying for mega1 and her family.
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Luvz2travel
Guest
Mega,
Something I remembered from dealing with difficult people. I had to learn not to give them the reaction they want. No matter how hard they try to jiggy your strings and hit your weak spots which they usually learn quickly don’t give in the the urge to lash back. Answer calmly and possitively. It sounds like your already doing this in some of your posts but it’s a key tactic when dealing with folks who want to manipulate you. Don’t explain your answers just say yes or no if needed and walk away if you can’t deal with them that moment. Good luck. Remind yourself that people can only treat you as bad as you let them.
Something I remembered from dealing with difficult people. I had to learn not to give them the reaction they want. No matter how hard they try to jiggy your strings and hit your weak spots which they usually learn quickly don’t give in the the urge to lash back. Answer calmly and possitively. It sounds like your already doing this in some of your posts but it’s a key tactic when dealing with folks who want to manipulate you. Don’t explain your answers just say yes or no if needed and walk away if you can’t deal with them that moment. Good luck. Remind yourself that people can only treat you as bad as you let them.
M
mega1
Guest
So so true. But what’s tough is this is bad… Financially too.
I’ve posted here before about the financial problems in my marriage.
I have been kindly asking my DH (who started working freelance/starting biz) how much he was making …how taxes were…and getting very little response.
He said that he hired an accountant who was all over it… and we would be fine.
Well, today, I was out in the backyard …talking on the phone because he was working in the house.
I was chatting away and he came flying out of the house and screamed “”""“get off that phone now!”""""
I thought our child had been hurt or something! I politely said “I need to call you back…”
I got off and he was swearing up a storm and said that he talked to the accountant and he hadn’t done any of the work he was supposed to…estimated we owed 10 THOUSAND
AND that we would have to file an extension, because nothing had been done.
He was livid at the guy, because he said that he was talking to him like a child.
I asked him what he said? He wouldn’t really answer…just kept swearing at the man.
So, I asked for the guys number for the millionth time. Finally I had to DEMAND it. He gave it to me…and I called.
I found out that my DH didn’t drop off any of the w-2s until last week and he couldn’t get it done in time.
I told my DH this is proof we are living like children. That we must get this straight…we need to cut our expenses. Move to a cheaper place etc. He said no, we aren’t moving.
He said he would try harder to get more money. I told him I STILL had no idea how much he was bringing in a month…that I can’t get a straight answer.
He said it’s ABOUT 2-2500 a month. I said that’s gross? He said yes…then he pays for equipment etc.
He then stormed out. Said he won’t go to a financial planner. He just seems to disregard me.
I am at my wits end. I know he doesn’t MEAN ILL WILL…but he isn’t helping me get our act together. And frankly, I’m scared that I can’t do it alone.
I’m not the best with this either and we are literally a mess…
I’ve posted here before about the financial problems in my marriage.
I have been kindly asking my DH (who started working freelance/starting biz) how much he was making …how taxes were…and getting very little response.
He said that he hired an accountant who was all over it… and we would be fine.
Well, today, I was out in the backyard …talking on the phone because he was working in the house.
I was chatting away and he came flying out of the house and screamed “”""“get off that phone now!”""""
I thought our child had been hurt or something! I politely said “I need to call you back…”
I got off and he was swearing up a storm and said that he talked to the accountant and he hadn’t done any of the work he was supposed to…estimated we owed 10 THOUSAND
AND that we would have to file an extension, because nothing had been done.
He was livid at the guy, because he said that he was talking to him like a child.
I asked him what he said? He wouldn’t really answer…just kept swearing at the man.
So, I asked for the guys number for the millionth time. Finally I had to DEMAND it. He gave it to me…and I called.
I found out that my DH didn’t drop off any of the w-2s until last week and he couldn’t get it done in time.
I told my DH this is proof we are living like children. That we must get this straight…we need to cut our expenses. Move to a cheaper place etc. He said no, we aren’t moving.
He said he would try harder to get more money. I told him I STILL had no idea how much he was bringing in a month…that I can’t get a straight answer.
He said it’s ABOUT 2-2500 a month. I said that’s gross? He said yes…then he pays for equipment etc.
He then stormed out. Said he won’t go to a financial planner. He just seems to disregard me.
I am at my wits end. I know he doesn’t MEAN ILL WILL…but he isn’t helping me get our act together. And frankly, I’m scared that I can’t do it alone.
I’m not the best with this either and we are literally a mess…
C
CatholicSooner
Guest
goodness gracious. I’m so sorry you are going through this. I will pray for your family
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EvelynEVF
Guest
I am all for saving marriages that can be saved, but sometimes the “letting them” part is the “staying married” part. My ex secretly got himself a credit card with a limit higher than three months of his gross income, and opened a bank account in only his own name at a different bank. He was not interested in changing that after I discovered it, and the only way to protect myself from his debts legally was divorce.Remind yourself that people can only treat you as bad as you let them.
Oneofmany wrote, “You may say emotional abuse is just as bad but we can all control how we react to harsh words.” I know you mean well, but emotional abuse is not just harsh words. It is like a well-planned campaign to break a person, and eventually we can’t control how we react except to have a nervous breakdown or escape.
One person alone cannot save a marriage, and hanging in hoping the things would get better with prayer literally almost killed me. Discerning requires supportive friends and brutal honesty before God and within our selves. Some offending spouses will see a temporary separation as a wake up call to start accepting accountability and therapy, so that might be a good intermediate step.
M
mega1
Guest
The real strange thing today was him coming out of the house screaming “get off that phone!” I was on a business call at the time.
He did apologize but said he was “out of his mind” angry over this accountant. Says he’s freaking out.
It’s just hard … I will take the reins. I have to.
The question is… If I take over everything… And right the ship… Do I stay? Every time I do that I feel so over burdened and resentful.
He did apologize but said he was “out of his mind” angry over this accountant. Says he’s freaking out.
It’s just hard … I will take the reins. I have to.
The question is… If I take over everything… And right the ship… Do I stay? Every time I do that I feel so over burdened and resentful.
O
oneofmany
Guest
Have you talked to your priest at all about this? If not, it’s time to. He can tell you if you have a moral reason to separate. Your husband keeps too many secrets from you and financial secrets are dangerous. Is bankruptcy in his future? You don’t know anything but you have a family to protect.
My only advice is to tell your priest what is happening and see if he has suggestions for you. I am sure your priest hears things like this all the time or similar in the parishes he has been in.
My only advice is to tell your priest what is happening and see if he has suggestions for you. I am sure your priest hears things like this all the time or similar in the parishes he has been in.
M
mega1
Guest
My DH just leased a new car (the other lease was up) so he obviously has no trouble getting some financial stuff together. I do believe much of these issues come from his inability to follow through. And he doesn’t want to be responsible for the errors, when I bring them up.
His anger at the accountant was because he perceived him talking to him “like a child”.
Well I think that’s how he feels about me. But I asked him if he understood the irony of that? He talked to me like a child when he ordered me off the phone!
Yes I have talked to a priest. He just told me to pray.
His anger at the accountant was because he perceived him talking to him “like a child”.
Well I think that’s how he feels about me. But I asked him if he understood the irony of that? He talked to me like a child when he ordered me off the phone!
Yes I have talked to a priest. He just told me to pray.
O
oneofmany
Guest
No harm in talking to another priest, one who is a counselor in such things would help.
P
PumpkinPies37
Guest
Mega,
I, like the other responders here, think that you did nothing wrong the other night. I can’t see that standing up for yourself is a mistake.
My marriage was similar to this in some aspects, years ago. I later came to see that yes, it WAS abuse and it was going to stop. If you choose to stay with this person, and you want the best for your child, prepare for the fight of your life. Prepare to call your husband out on every abusive episode, passive aggressive blurb, and the like.
Best case scenario; he may not know what he is doing, and only extremely tactful and skillful communication will cue him in, along with lots of therapy. And yes, I’m afraid, ultimatums.
It’s a delicate situation, to say the least. For us, things got better after we both started seeing therapists (separately) and someone else was telling him what a jerk he was being, while simultaneously, someone was telling me that it’s okay to stand up for myself.
In the end, it was a pornography addiction that was a huge wall in between us. I’m not saying that this is part of your equation at all, but in many cases, toxic, bullying behavior and lack of compassion and intimacy is one of the side effects of a pornography addiction.
For us, my husband finally admitting he had a problem and getting help has been…well, a miracle. I don’t have to fight anymore. The battle has been won.
I hope and pray that pornography is not part of your lives at all. Regardless, there is a disorder going on here that your husband is going to have to have the humility to fess up to.
And yes, my dear, my mother was emotionally abusive too. I know exactly where you are coming from in regards to her and your sister. So much, I understand. Oh, I’m so sorry, because I know how terrifying this is.
But you are right to feel the way you are feeling. You are not overreacting at all. You are not making a mountain out of a mole hill. Your spirit knows that something is wrong. And you love your son enough to fight for him when you would not fight for yourself. I understand. I really do.
Stay with therapy, and BE BRAVE. Be kind to your husband, but don’t let him pull any Cr p on you. You’re going to have to get tough.
I assure you, you are stronger than you think you are. And you are not alone.
There is a book called “Safe People” by Cloud/Townsend that I found helpful and validating. These authors have many good books along these lines. Another that I recommend is “Boundaries in Marriage”.
You are doing the right thing. You deserve respect.
My prayers are with you.
I, like the other responders here, think that you did nothing wrong the other night. I can’t see that standing up for yourself is a mistake.
My marriage was similar to this in some aspects, years ago. I later came to see that yes, it WAS abuse and it was going to stop. If you choose to stay with this person, and you want the best for your child, prepare for the fight of your life. Prepare to call your husband out on every abusive episode, passive aggressive blurb, and the like.
Best case scenario; he may not know what he is doing, and only extremely tactful and skillful communication will cue him in, along with lots of therapy. And yes, I’m afraid, ultimatums.
It’s a delicate situation, to say the least. For us, things got better after we both started seeing therapists (separately) and someone else was telling him what a jerk he was being, while simultaneously, someone was telling me that it’s okay to stand up for myself.
In the end, it was a pornography addiction that was a huge wall in between us. I’m not saying that this is part of your equation at all, but in many cases, toxic, bullying behavior and lack of compassion and intimacy is one of the side effects of a pornography addiction.
For us, my husband finally admitting he had a problem and getting help has been…well, a miracle. I don’t have to fight anymore. The battle has been won.
I hope and pray that pornography is not part of your lives at all. Regardless, there is a disorder going on here that your husband is going to have to have the humility to fess up to.
And yes, my dear, my mother was emotionally abusive too. I know exactly where you are coming from in regards to her and your sister. So much, I understand. Oh, I’m so sorry, because I know how terrifying this is.
But you are right to feel the way you are feeling. You are not overreacting at all. You are not making a mountain out of a mole hill. Your spirit knows that something is wrong. And you love your son enough to fight for him when you would not fight for yourself. I understand. I really do.
Stay with therapy, and BE BRAVE. Be kind to your husband, but don’t let him pull any Cr p on you. You’re going to have to get tough.
I assure you, you are stronger than you think you are. And you are not alone.
There is a book called “Safe People” by Cloud/Townsend that I found helpful and validating. These authors have many good books along these lines. Another that I recommend is “Boundaries in Marriage”.
You are doing the right thing. You deserve respect.
My prayers are with you.
L
Luvz2travel
Guest
Then talk to another priest Mega who will give you more imput. You have a child you need to protect. I would file separation papers if only to keep his debt from becoming yours and your sons.
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