I married the wrong person

[Sillara]

Honestly, some of the things you describe are things I, and I imagine many other women, do. Though I don’t find fault with “everything” my husband does, I do criticize his driving when he drives too fast or tailgates, his messy habits, and if he doesn’t take a shower for a couple of days I think it’s gross. I am certain that I don’t always approach him in the most charitable way, but it’s pretty normal in marriage to get on each other’s nerves.

Normal does not mean right.

There is a reason St. Paul admonished wives to respect their husbands. We generally have that “love” part down pretty well, but the respect comes harder. We still have to do it.

I would be absolutely devastated if I read a post like this by my husband about me, but not because I would be angry that he was writing about me. I would crushed if I had so utterly failed to respect him. I would endure anything rather than have my husband suffer on my account.

 

[Soren_Itenu]

And I will love you forever, my darling, putting you before everything under God. Nothing will ever divide us.

 

[Wryman]

A review of that book by a customer on Amazon (I’m not connected with the book, honest! I just think it is THAT GOOD!)

My husband and I separated after years and years of the same problems that we couldn’t resolve. Realizing that perhaps it’s not just what we are saying to each other but HOW we are saying it, I bought 6 books on communication. This was hands down the best one.

The first part of this book is a little slow, as it deals with research on couples and commonalities among happy and unhappy couples, blah, blah, blah. The 2nd and 3rd part of the book are the real meat of it. This book is excellent at not only helping you identfy the dysfunctional communication patterns you and your partner use, but also to determine WHY you use them. Most importantly, once you understand what NOT to do, this book tells you exactly what to DO in order to have successful communications with your partner. This book was an absolute eye-opener and my perception of my husband and his perspective has done a complete 180.

Now don’t get me wrong, this book isn’t going to do the work for you. You still have to commit to being open-minded enough to see YOUR faults in communication, not just be looking for everything wrong with your mate. However, I did see a lot of my mate in this book but instead of giving me ammo against him, this book really helped me understand him better. Also, this plan will be work. Changing old habits is ALWAYS hard work. But, my gosh…isn’t it worth it? I can’t stress enough though the importance of taking a hard look at yourself first. You have to be willing to consider that your partner has been just as hurt in your relationship as you have…and that you have caused as much destruction as you feel your partner has caused.

I have asked my husband to read the book. I don’t know if he will. If he does, this book may very well save our marriage. Either way, I’m going to implement what I’ve learned into my own every day life. Because, if things don’t work out with my husband, I need to be a healthier partner for any future relationships…and I need to be healthier for ME. I do have to say though, that reading this book has given me real hope that my marriage can be saved. Sadly, it shows me how unnecessary a lot of our pain has been. Every therapist tells you to talk about it but no one ever teaches you HOW to talk about it. You will be amazed how much HOW you talk is really what’s going on in your relationship conflicts.

Every couple should have to read and discuss this book before they are allowed to get married. In fact, I may make this book my standard wedding gift from now on. In the end, where did all of those china place-settings ever get anyone? This book would be a real gift! I can not recommend this book more highly. If you are searching for books on this subject, than you need this book. Buy it now. Read it with an open heart. Share it with your mate. Good luck.

 

[Lorelei12]

Normal does not mean right.

There is a reason St. Paul admonished wives to respect their husbands. We generally have that “love” part down pretty well, but the respect comes harder. We still have to do it.

I would be absolutely devastated if I read a post like this by my husband about me, but not because I would be angry that he was writing about me. I would crushed if I had so utterly failed to respect him. I would endure anything rather than have my husband suffer on my account.

I’ve never met a couple who didn’t get on each other’s nerves sometimes. I never said what she was doing was right, but he should consider that, while he feels he married the wrong person, she is likely feeling she didn’t get what she expected either- a man who won’t be intimate with her, and blames her for issues she probably doesn’t even know she is contributing to because it doesn’t sound like he’s even tried talking with her. She probably would be crushed, if he told her what he’s told people on an anonymous forum.

 

[LisaA]

Along with counseling there are a lot of books that I have found helpful in relationships. PC or not men and women are different and the way they view things is different. Say a woman wants hubby to take out the trash. In her mind it means NOW. In his it means when it’s convenient. Unless it has become a hazmat zone, the reality is that the woman’s request is probably unreasonable. However if the man wants to please her, he may fight his inclination to perform the task on his time frame. Again it’s a matter of communication and each party’s willingness to decide that trash removal is not a hill to die on.

Dr Caroline Leaf, Alison Armstrong, Dr Laura Schlessinger and Dennis Prager are all knowlegeable about male/female relations. I am sure there are good books from the Catholic point of view as well. Remember that for a Catholic marriage is supposed to be self giving love. Both of you sound like you are more focused on what you are getting or not getting than giving. You can’t change the other person although you can help them if they are willing. But you can change yourself and your own reaction.

Realize the wisdom of this saying, men marry women thinking they won’t change and they do. Women marry men thinking they will change and they don’t. A bit of a stereotype but I think there is a lot of truth. Before she married you, she probably had some ideas of how to “improve” you which she thought would be accomplished after the wedding. You probably thought she’d be the same girl who was trying to win you after she got the ring. Both theories are probably wrong.

Also factor in the hormonal influences of pregnancy and that she is feeling very vulnerable now. Instead of appealing to your natural protective nature, she is b**ching and complaining. This is a woman thing…I think we’re born complainers. We talk and talk and talk. Most of it is just talk not really meant to damage but it does. Women complaining about their husbands is an enemy in the fortress. Men react badly. It’s important to change the dynamic between you. Is she committed to the marriage? Does she want to work on it? As someone said, to really improve things you both need to participate.

You say you married the ‘wrong’ person but in reality given that you had enough attraction to her to marry her and make a baby (everyone has moments of concern so your cold feet prior to the wedding is not indicative) then there was a dynamic that worked at one time.
Realize that if you are looking at her to make you happy or vice versa you are treating the person as an object, not a human being. People think the grass is greener, that someone else will make them happy. That theory is also wrong. Many studies of marriages that have gone through real trouble indicate that if the parties work on their issues, this time of trouble will pass. If you leave and think the next marriage will work out because you married the “right” person, you are likely to find yourself in the same boat with a different shipmate.

Of course also agree with the advice to practice your faith and focus on Christ, not yourself. The latter will just make you even more unhappy.

Lisa

 

[Z_Ninja]

Congratulations on the coming baby!

I think what you are feeling is normal for a lot of people. Myself included. What your wife is feeling is normal also. It all comes down to communication. I felt the same way as you throughout my almost 11 years of marriage, this very morning in fact.

I don’t see your post as an adolescent plea for attention. You certainly need to talk about how you feel. Talk to your wife also though, tell her how you feel, maybe she doesn’t realize what she’s doing. Communication is key here. Trust in the love of your wife to be understanding to your feelings. Counseling is of course a good idea. I’ve needed it. Plenty of prayers too.

 

[Soren_Itenu]

Lorelei12:

I’ve never met a couple who didn’t get on each other’s nerves sometimes.

Yes, because you haven’t met us.

 

[jonathan_hili]

Normal does not mean right.

There is a reason St. Paul admonished wives to respect their husbands. We generally have that “love” part down pretty well, but the respect comes harder. We still have to do it.

I would be absolutely devastated if I read a post like this by my husband about me, but not because I would be angry that he was writing about me. I would crushed if I had so utterly failed to respect him. I would endure anything rather than have my husband suffer on my account.

I’m impressed by your devotion, Sillara. I think a wife should respect her husband, not because he is a man or the “head of the house” but because, as Scripture commands, he is to sacrifice himself for his wife and family. If you can’t respect someone who gives themselves totally for you and your children, you need to re-think what is going on - not only for wives of course, we Christian men have Christ to thank for giving his life for us!

Having said this, men have to be more self-sacrificing too. I think it’s harder for us, as we tend to be selfish and it’s a lot easier for guys to “lord it over” women. But having holy and wise women like yourself might make it easier for us.

 

[silentfactor80]

Along with counseling there are a lot of books that I have found helpful in relationships. PC or not men and women are different and the way they view things is different. Say a woman wants hubby to take out the trash. In her mind it means NOW. In his it means when it’s convenient. Unless it has become a hazmat zone, the reality is that the woman’s request is probably unreasonable. However if the man wants to please her, he may fight his inclination to perform the task on his time frame. Again it’s a matter of communication and each party’s willingness to decide that trash removal is not a hill to die on.

Dr Caroline Leaf, Alison Armstrong, Dr Laura Schlessinger and Dennis Prager are all knowlegeable about male/female relations. I am sure there are good books from the Catholic point of view as well. Remember that for a Catholic marriage is supposed to be self giving love. Both of you sound like you are more focused on what you are getting or not getting than giving. You can’t change the other person although you can help them if they are willing. But you can change yourself and your own reaction.

Realize the wisdom of this saying, men marry women thinking they won’t change and they do. Women marry men thinking they will change and they don’t. A bit of a stereotype but I think there is a lot of truth. Before she married you, she probably had some ideas of how to “improve” you which she thought would be accomplished after the wedding. You probably thought she’d be the same girl who was trying to win you after she got the ring. Both theories are probably wrong.

Also factor in the hormonal influences of pregnancy and that she is feeling very vulnerable now. Instead of appealing to your natural protective nature, she is b**ching and complaining. This is a woman thing…I think we’re born complainers. We talk and talk and talk. Most of it is just talk not really meant to damage but it does. Women complaining about their husbands is an enemy in the fortress. Men react badly. It’s important to change the dynamic between you. Is she committed to the marriage? Does she want to work on it? As someone said, to really improve things you both need to participate.

You say you married the ‘wrong’ person but in reality given that you had enough attraction to her to marry her and make a baby (everyone has moments of concern so your cold feet prior to the wedding is not indicative)** then there was a dynamic that worked at one time.**
Realize that if you are looking at her to make you happy or vice versa you are treating the person as an object, not a human being. People think the grass is greener, that someone else will make them happy. That theory is also wrong. Many studies of marriages that have gone through real trouble indicate that if the parties work on their issues, this time of trouble will pass. If you leave and think the next marriage will work out because you married the “right” person, you are likely to find yourself in the same boat with a different shipmate.

Of course also agree with the advice to practice your faith and focus on Christ, not yourself. The latter will just make you even more unhappy.

Lisa

Yeah it’s called hormones too. Those nasty love chemicals that counteract higher reason and make us often times fall head over heals foolishly.

To OP: My suggestion is speak your mind and if the tears flow so be it. If you don’t take a stand you will be sitting down for the rest of your life until a nice woman comes along and you are tempted to do something you shouldn’t. If your wife can’t hear you out then she is not very wifely to dismiss the concerns of her husband. Make a deal with her that for everything she wants you to do you are going to require something of her. That is equality after all right?

 

[Joe_5859]

The first thing you need to do is pray. Pray. Pray. Pray. Pray unceasingly. Pray for your wife. Pray for your marriage. Give thanks to God for all the blessings He has given to you.

Next, I would encourage you to completely abandon and foresake such thoughts as “I married the wrong person.” No good can come from such what-iffery. It is just a form of escapism. When we feel overwhelmed by our current state, we like to travel down such roads of thought because it is easier than coming to grips with the fact that our current state of affairs really is our life. You need to come to terms with that and begin to deal with the life you have.

Communication is key. You need to have these tough conversations with your wife. Will it be easy? No. But it needs to happen. And, of course, keep praying. Pray together before the conversation. Pray together after the conversation. Pray for wisdom. Pray for guidance. Pray. Pray. Pray.

Your mother said you would make some lucky girl happy some day. You can and will prove your mother right. And your wife is that lucky girl. Treat her like you believe that with all your heart. And do believe it.

I will pray for you. Please pray for me, too.

 

[Lorelei12]

Yes, because you haven’t met us.

You NEVER get on each other’s nerves?? Please write a book!

 

[Ellyakamommy]

Unless there is a personality disorder she was hiding from you, nothing in your original post sounds too out of the ordinary as a part of adjusting to the huge transition of marriage and impending parenthood.

If nothing else, it sounds like you two have very different expectations of how to spend your time in the evenings.

During precana, I learned a very interesting tidbit, a difference in expectations can cause upwards of 90% of disagreements and arguments.

Setting mutually agreed upon expectations might help a lot. If this is something that is hard to two just between the two of you, yes counseling is the right idea.

I’ve been your pregnant wife. Please know that she is trying desperately to make this marriage work and doesn’t know what or how to get the connection she wants from you. She wants you to want to help around the house, support her, and she wants to be close to you, hence offering sex every night.

Please see that blanket statements like “I married the wrong person” also make it very hard to allow that things could ever get better. Please allow yourself to go get some help to make this situation better. It can be better.

 

[JackieMom]

It pains me to write this, but I am miserable. I chose very poorly, and I knew during the engagement at times that I was unhappy, but was afraid to act on it for a host of cowardly reasons.

She is pregnant, and I am staying for the child’s sake. I sometimes think if anything happened to our child in utero, I would be free to leave her - and I hate myself for even thinking such a terrible thing. What kind of a father…

I’m going to be blunt:

Does your driving frighten her? Let her drive.
Do you leave messes in areas she tries to keep clean? Pick up after yourself.
Is your hygeine less than superior? Fix it. No one wants to be with someone who does not take pride in their health and cleanliness.

Your wife is pregnant. She needs to know you support her and back her 100% She is having your child, and she has never been in a more vulnerable position. She needs to know she can depend on you to care for your family financially and physically. There are probably many days where neither of you have time to read for pleasure or watch TV. That’s life. The housework needs to be done, meals need to be cooked and cleaned up, bills need to be paid… There is a time for “me” time and relaxation, but for you, maybe that time is not now. My husband has been working himself to the bone for the last 12 years. He comes home and immediately starts helping with homework, housekeeping, fixing dinner… This goes on until we drop into bed at night, exhausted. Such is young family life. If you think of it as an honorable sacrifice and a privilege it is better than if you look at it as servitude and drudgery.

Your wife is angry about some past hurts from your side of the family. She’s pregnant - now might not be the ideal time to mend those bridges. But have you tried to facilitate reconcilliation? I will say that a young bride’s ego and feelings can be very fragile when criticisms and insults come from her future in-laws. Women do not just “get over” stuff like men do. Maybe it’s time to really empathize with how your wife felt when your family offended her.

As for her “nutty” family - YOU knew who they were when you married her! You willingly married into this family, full well knowing your wife’s flaws and her family’s. They live in the next town over. You need to work out a deal with your wife about how often they can visit while you’re at home. Maybe twice a week is your limit. Offer this, charitably, under the guise of wanting to spend more alone time with your wife. Sit down and have a calm discussion, without insulting them by using terms like “nutty.”

Your wife desires intimacy with you. Do you know how fortunate you are? Search these threads for the misery of posters whose wives refuse to have sex or treat it as a chore. Your wife loves you and wants to share the marital act with you. That is HUGE. Most punitive and mean-spirited wives withhold sex as a punishment. Yours is embracing you in the marital bed every evening. Appreciate that.

I have no doubt that your wife is flawed, asks a lot of you, and has annoying family members. Marriage isn’t all hearts and rainbows and unicorns. It’s work. It’s sacrifice. It’s putting in another hour when you just want to give up. It’s not going to see that movie, it’s not having that beer with your friends, it’s not taking that day off to golf, it’s not catching up on the magazines piling up on the coffee table. It is making a permenant, irrevocable vow before God, to a person YOU CHOOSE - to love, honor and cherish until the day you die. For better or for worse. For richer, for poorer. In sickness and in health.

Sir, I say this with all due respect - buck up and handle this. Get therapy. Offer your prayers at Mass to our Blessed Mother and beg for her intercession on behalf of your marriage. Pray throughout the day whenever you can. You may not have time for adoration, but every week at Mass we get to adore our savior in the Holy Echarist. Gaze upon this miracle and implore God for the fortitude to always offer your best as a husband, and for the same for your wife. Christ lay down his very life for our sins, and as a husband you are asked to give your life for your wife.

The first years of marriage are hard. There are growing pains. It’s okay - just hang tough. I will keep you in my prayers.

 

[starryheart]

I’m praying for you and your growing family.

Try talking to a priest and see what he suggests?

I grew up in a family where my mom constantly kept talking about how sweet my dad used to be and the day after they married things went downhill… it was hard hearing that…so it’s a good thing you are willing to be honest… talk to a priest and take it from there…

 

[silentfactor80]

@OP: I read through more of these comments to you on here. I disagree with the one favoring the “suck it up” philosophy. You have every right to require respect from your wife. If you don’t feel like being intimate with her, tell her that and tell her why. She will never know what you don’t say. Sex isn’t everything anyways.

Also, she needs to learn to be forgiving like Our Lord as holding a grudge is not something Jesus would do. If she is dedicated to her faith then you can remind her that spiritually it is healthier for her to forgive your family. I doubt they did something so horrible to her that it is unforgivable. Women may not “get over it” like men do but that is no excuse. Your wife is a grown woman who is responsible for modeling good behavior. Holding a grudge for whatever reason falls short of that.

 

[LisaA]

@OP: I read through more of these comments to you on here. I disagree with the one favoring the “suck it up” philosophy. You have every right to require respect from your wife. If you don’t feel like being intimate with her, tell her that and tell her why. She will never know what you don’t say. Sex isn’t everything anyways.

Also, she needs to learn to be forgiving like Our Lord as holding a grudge is not something Jesus would do. If she is dedicated to her faith then you can remind her that spiritually it is healthier for her to forgive your family. I doubt they did something so horrible to her that it is unforgivable. Women may not “get over it” like men do but that is no excuse. Your wife is a grown woman who is responsible for modeling good behavior. Holding a grudge for whatever reason falls short of that.

Silent I have to smile at your response. Everything you say above might be correct but the reality is that this relationship is damaged and if the OP starts lecturing his wife about her behavior it will cause further damage. He says that small issues cause WWIII…imagine him saying you’re a nag, you shouldn’t hold a grudge, and your family is nuts. It might be true…but this is NOT helpful at all.

You are seeing this as a man whereas Jackiemom’s post with which you disagree understands the perspective of the woman. As we argued in another thread, men and women are DIFFERENT. The OP can only change himself and his behavior, not his wife’s behavior. He can and should certainly sit down with her and first express his love and desire for the marriage to work so that she doesn’t feel threatened or vulnerable… He can and should be direct without being hurtful or cruel and ask for what he wants from the relationship. Then he should LISTEN to what she says as well. Both should be willing to give 100%. But in reality the OP can only change himself and his behavior.

Like it or not men and women are different. Men tend to be focused, direct, and action oriented. Women are more relationship oriented, emotions oriented. When they describe a problem the man wants to fix it, the woman may just be jawboning and want to be listened to and supported. Reading the OP description of their interaction, it’s clear that both sides do not feel they are being understood. It may be communication style which is common in male/female interaction. Again there are many effective books and lectures on effective communication.

THere are some good things in this relationship, as Jackiemom noted the wife has not shut down sexually which is often a big problem in troubled marriages. OP says he’s Catholic (I think “cath” means Catholic!) and hopefully his wife is as well. THus they share not only their faith but a really effective approach to marriage. Further they have the miracle of a baby on the way and thus the focus should be on the best interests of that child. The OP has a job, is responsible and he seems to have reasonable expectations of his wife so it doesn’t seem like this is damaged beyond repair.

Lisa

 

[Xantippe]

Another thing–baby isn’t going to care that you’ve already had a 10-hour workday. Baby isn’t going to understand why everybody isn’t happy to be awake an hour and asleep an hour round the clock.

Make sure you and your wife discuss that and figure out a minimum maintenance level of housekeeping that you can both be happy with for the newborn period: clean clothes, pizza for dinner, paper plates, maybe a housecleaner to help out once or twice, etc. Remember, you may be dealing with a tiny person who is happy, just as long as you carry him or her around all the time. If you don’t dial down your standards a bit (at least temporarily), your wife is going to kill both of you with perfectionism.

Also, try to help your wife not fall into some of the more OCD parenting philosophies.

 

[chevalier]

Look, as a single guy with a history of epic (in reality: not even that, just ordinary miserable) fails, I really, really am not a credible person to talk about this kind of thing, but here are 3 issues that come to my mind:

– a pregnant woman is exposed to a lot of hormonal influences that affect her behaviour (think PMS but not really it), some of the miseries she might be inflicting on you are unintentional and others may be largely mitigated by the difficulties she’s facing herself;
– the soulmate theory doesn’t hold water; it’s possible to marry wrong but you shouldn’t really be longing for the lost chance to marry your supposed one and only;
– I, personally, would be inclined (which means it might be a bad idea) to be assertive when confronted with unmerited abuse, exaggerated accusations, unproductive nagging; I tend to 1) create the least trouble possible for the person, while 2) adamantly refuse to budge and validate the accusations/exaggerated complaints/whatever (I call people on the wrong logic but make it clear it’s their logic and not they), so that the person can see that it just simply won’t work (because some people act semi-consciously and just simply do things they aren’t opposed in doing but stop when they meet opposition). Here’s the catch: this can be alienating, I’m not sure it can’t backfire, I wouldn’t recommend this to you in a situation as difficult to handle as yours if a competent therapist didn’t agree it’s a good idea. This is more like business client relationship than marriage relationship kind of thing. I’d run it through a marriage counsellor first. I think those guys agree with the general need to be assertive but they may have some specific insights about how to do it in practice, which is crucial.

 

[silentfactor80]

Silent I have to smile at your response. Everything you say above might be correct but the reality is that this relationship is damaged and if the OP starts lecturing his wife about her behavior it will cause further damage. He says that small issues cause WWIII…imagine him saying you’re a nag, you shouldn’t hold a grudge, and your family is nuts. It might be true…but this is NOT helpful at all.

You are seeing this as a man whereas Jackiemom’s post with which you disagree understands the perspective of the woman. As we argued in another thread, men and women are DIFFERENT. The OP can only change himself and his behavior, not his wife’s behavior. He can and should certainly sit down with her and first express his love and desire for the marriage to work so that she doesn’t feel threatened or vulnerable… He can and should be direct without being hurtful or cruel and ask for what he wants from the relationship. Then he should LISTEN to what she says as well. Both should be willing to give 100%. But in reality the OP can only change himself and his behavior.

Like it or not men and women are different. Men tend to be focused, direct, and action oriented. Women are more relationship oriented, emotions oriented. When they describe a problem the man wants to fix it, the woman may just be jawboning and want to be listened to and supported. Reading the OP description of their interaction, it’s clear that both sides do not feel they are being understood. It may be communication style which is common in male/female interaction. Again there are many effective books and lectures on effective communication.

THere are some good things in this relationship, as Jackiemom noted the wife has not shut down sexually which is often a big problem in troubled marriages. OP says he’s Catholic (I think “cath” means Catholic!) and hopefully his wife is as well. THus they share not only their faith but a really effective approach to marriage. Further they have the miracle of a baby on the way and thus the focus should be on the best interests of that child. The OP has a job, is responsible and he seems to have reasonable expectations of his wife so it doesn’t seem like this is damaged beyond repair.

Lisa

I never said he had to be cruel. All he has to say is “honey I need respect before I can get into the mood, sorry.” Women say they need love all the time before they get in the mood. Same deal there.

If small issues cause WWIII then she needs to grow up. What is she going to do when the kid doesn’t want to clean their room? Start WWIV? If a child throws a temper tantrum does a parent sit there and say “oh I should change my behavior so my child doesn’t get upset.” If your coworker throws a fit because they have a short fuse do you spend your entire career on egg shells with them? NO! The wife has a kid on the way. She needs to grow up before the kid does.

Just because a woman wants sex everything is OK in the world?? LOL! You have a guy here that doesn’t want sex! I think that is a lot more significant than a woman who does want it. Talk about stereotypes at their finest…giving advice based on them is not a good idea.

And FYI, I know men and women are different. That does not excuse one for their uncharitable treatment of the other though. I think the OP has listened quite extensively to his wife. He has clearly reiterated for us her complaints about him. He’s not a bad guy though for not asking “how high” when she says “jump.”

Also, last time I read the Bible there was no exceptions for pregnant women regarding being forgiving of other…

 

[Xantippe]

“If small issues cause WWIII then she needs to grow up. What is she going to do when the kid doesn’t want to clean their room? Start WWIV? If a child throws a temper tantrum does a parent sit there and say “oh I should change my behavior so my child doesn’t get upset.” If your coworker throws a fit because they have a short fuse do you spend your entire career on egg shells with them? NO! The wife has a kid on the way. She needs to grow up before the kid does.”

The problem is, as un-PC as it is to say this, a pregnant woman is not a fully-functioning human being. A pregnant woman is often pretty much a big baby herself. Pregnant ladies are CRAZY. That’s half of why people are so nice to pregnant women–50% is kindness, but the other 50% is fear of what she’s going to do if they don’t accommodate her.

There’s a really good chapter in Vicki Iovine’s Girlfriend’s Guide to Pregnancy where she discusses the horrific mood swings that are typical of pregnancy (rages, weepiness, obsessions, etc). Everything is bigger during pregnancy. I strongly suggest that book to the OP.

There’s a lot of sense in just shelving the major relational issues for the moment (like in-law stuff) and just dealing with basic maintenance issues.

Also, see if you can get your wife to agree to a quitting time for non-emergencies. For instance, you might negotiate an agreement that housework (aside from emergencies) stops at 10 PM. Now if somebody didn’t do their chores, that doesn’t count, but nobody’s allowed to draft a spouse into a non-urgent major household project at 10:30 PM.

Bear in mind that she may have very strong nesting urges just before the baby comes. I once cleaned every crevice of a high chair with dozens of Q-tips just before having my middle child. (Vicki Iovine has a very good material about this phenomenon, also.)