I married the wrong person

[Xantippe]

“Being in a marriage is very different than studying about marriage. I’m sure some priests are better at pastoral counseling than others. Most of the priests I’ve known have been older, heavy drinkers from Ireland. Perhaps that skews my opinion.”

Yeah, that would do it.

A prudent, savvy priest would be able to give good advice about marriage, just as he would about other difficult relationships. We’ve gotten very good advice from our old pastor about a number of sticky situations involving other people. The nice thing about a celibate priest is that he’s not biased by being a husband and having his own gripes about his wife. It’s like sports referees don’t play for a particular team.

 

[AngelGlitter]

It pains me to write this, but I am miserable. I chose very poorly, and I knew during the engagement at times that I was unhappy, but was afraid to act on it for a host of cowardly reasons.

She is pregnant, and I am staying for the child’s sake. I sometimes think if anything happened to our child in utero, I would be free to leave her - and I hate myself for even thinking such a terrible thing. What kind of a father am I?

Where do I go from here? I’m in a marriage where I’m not respected; my wife comes from a family of women married to weak men they look down upon, and she is following suit. I am nagged constantly - any time I am not working she wants me to either spend time with her or do things around the house, the idea of taking 20 minutes to read the paper and relax has almost set off World War 3. My wife finds fault with everything I do (health habits, cleanliness of my study/our bedroom, my driving). She holds onto past hurts from some members of my family and refuses to let go of them, years later. She judges people for their positions on politics and religion and its impossible for her to grasp having a close friendship with someone you disagree with on those things. My nutty in-laws are in the next town over, and I am sick to death of seeing them all the time. I have gotten to the point where I feel like my libido is crushed; she mentions sex at the end of a long day where I have worked my butt off and all I truly wanna do is be left alone, and I agree to avoid an argument and quietly resent it.

I am miserable. I hate this life, I really do. Growing up, my mother said I was gonna make some lucky girl very happy someday. I know that’s probably something all mothers say to their sons, but I had hoped it was at least a little bit true. I don’t pretend I’m a stud, but I thought I deserved better than this. I try to imagine my life, and all I can see is me on my deathbed several decades from now, an old, broken man, grateful its gonna be over soon.

I don’t know why I’m writing this. I don’t know what anyone could say other than “you should get counseling”, and they’d be right. This may seem like some adolescent plea for attention. I don’t consciously mean it to be; if it is, I beg pardon for it. I guess I’m just tired of keeping it in. I don’t tell my parents the extent of my sadness because I’m afraid it will ruin their relationship with her. I don’t tell her in our arguments because some things you say and you can never unsay. I don’t mention it in confession because I’m too busy confessing my own sins and I’m afraid the priest will think I’m trying to justify or mitigate them.

Please pray for me. Thanks for listening.

I hope things get better for you.

Praying for you and your intentions. :byzsoc:

 

[ioasaka87]

Bán li?n k? T?ng c?c 5 Tân Tri?u

Bán li?n k? T?ng c?c 5 Tân Tri?u: LK12-4 Di?n tÃch 66,6m2, xây thô 4 t?ng, hu?ng Dông B?c, m?t du?ng 24m, giá 4 t?
Bán li?n k? T?ng c?c 5 Tân Tri?u: LK3-36 Di?n tÃch 60m2, xây thô 4 t?ng, hu?ng Tây Nam, du?ng 13m, giá 3,6 t?
Bán nhÃ* li?n k? T?ng c?c 5 Tân Tri?u: LK6-23 Di?n tÃch 60,5m2, xây thô 4 t?ng, hu?ng Dông Nam, du?ng 13m, giá 3,7 t?
Bán nhà li?n k? T?ng c?c 5 B? công an: LK7-9 Di?n tÃch 60m2, xây thô 4 t?ng, hu?ng Tây B?c, du?ng 13m, giá 3,7 t?
Bán li?n k? T?ng c?c 5 B? công an: LK 14-23 Di?n tÃch 68m2, xây thô 4 t?ng, hu?ng Tây Nam, du?ng 13m, giá 3,3 t?
Bán li?n k? T?ng c?c 5: LK13-16 Di?n tÃ*ch 60m2, xây thô 4 t?ng, hu?ng B?c, du?ng 13m, giá 3,3 t?

Giá trên DÃ bao g?m t?t c?: ti?n thu? s? d?ng d?t, ti?n d?u tu vÃo d?t và ti?n xây thô

Bán nhÃ* vu?n T?ng c?c 5 Tân Tri?u:

Bán nhÃ* vu?n T?ng c?c 5 Tân Tri?u: NV3-5 Di?n tÃch 100m2, xây thô 4 t?ng, hu?ng Dông B?c, du?ng 17m, giá 4,4 t?
Bán nhà vu?n T?ng c?c 5: NV5-21 Di?n tÃch 103m2, xây thô 4 t?ng, hu?ng Dông Nam, m?t ti?n 10m, du?ng 13m, giá 4,7 t?
Bán nhà vu?n T?ng c?c 5 B? công an: NV5-29 Di?n tÃch 100m2 xây thô 4 t?ng, hu?ng Tây Nam, du?ng 13m, giá 4,7 t?
Bán nhà vu?n T?ng c?c 5 B? công an: NV8-9 Di?n tÃch 100m2 xây thô 4 t?ng, hu?ng Dông Nam, du?ng 13m, giá 4,7 t?
Bán nhà vu?n T?ng c?c 5 Tân Tri?u: NV3-22 Di?n tÃch 100m2m xây thô 4 t?ng, hu?ng Tây Nam, du?ng 13m nhìn vÃo vu?n hoa, giá 4,8 t?
Bán nhÃ* vu?n T?ng c?c 5: NV4-37 Di?n tÃch 100m2, hu?ng Tây B?c, m?t ti?n 5m, du?ng 13m, giá 4,8 t?
Giá trên DÃ bao g?m t?t c?: ti?n thu? s? d?ng d?t, ti?n d?u tu vÃo d?t vÃ* ti?n xây thô

Quý khách có nhu c?u xin liên h? tr?c ti?p d? du?c tu v?n: Mr Son 0909858789 - 0979858789

www.chovo.vn

 

[TheRealJuliane]

“Being in a marriage is very different than studying about marriage. I’m sure some priests are better at pastoral counseling than others. Most of the priests I’ve known have been older, heavy drinkers from Ireland. Perhaps that skews my opinion.”

Yeah, that would do it.

A prudent, savvy priest would be able to give good advice about marriage, just as he would about other difficult relationships. We’ve gotten very good advice from our old pastor about a number of sticky situations involving other people. The nice thing about a celibate priest is that he’s not biased by being a husband and having his own gripes about his wife. It’s like sports referees don’t play for a particular team.

I like that analogy!



kpeople:

 

[The_Bucket]

Anyone who is talking annulment needs to slow their roll. Seriously. Even if everything the OP said was accurate to a “T” and not a bit of embellishment, I don’t see any reason even for separation. Is there abuse? No. Is there infidelity? No. Is there unjust withholding of relations from the start of the marriage? No. (In that case there would be cause for petition to dissolve even a valid marriage)

Why all the “buyer’s remorse” here? Sounds like the OP’s wife is a bit on the gossipy and judgmental side. Or even a lot on the judgmental side. So? That’s a struggle for some people. Constantly judging people over their habits, politics, etc. and thinking there is a “right way” of doing everything, even things totally unrelated to morality.

That sounds like something that’s pretty annoying but not soul-sucking. While I’m blessed to have in-laws with whom I get along better than my own parents, not everyone is in that boat. I know that. But even if my in-laws were “nutty” I would consider it part of the job to put up with them and be as close to them as possible. Remember, when a man leaves his family he clings to his wife and the two become one flesh. That means, in an ideal situation, the man becomes more part of his wife’s family than she becomes part of his.

Again, that’s all part of the job. The fact that she’s gung-ho for intimacy is certainly something in your favor. It’s certainly a sign that she loves you.

Take your issues to counseling. And honestly, you need counseling for yourself before you bring your wife into it. This kind of relatively petty stuff is a pretty typical reason secular people get divorced. You’re called to more than that.

 

[Josephene]

We are in the midst of the Divine Mercy Novena…with the theme of bringing all , to His mercy …today for the meek and the humble and little children …

Had wondered what the phrase meant - of bringing persons to Him …

Would it not mean that we see each as belonging to The Lord …to His mercy …including the very marriage …( read the posts at random , in a hurry ) ; the part about the wife that the O.P proposed to was not the same person …could it be that the marriage was really entered into , with that mind set …and not accepted from the hands of The Lord …

even so , our God is beyond time …meaning, not late to go back and bring the very marraige and all the people involved , to Him…

All the people involved would include the whole family lines …including the likely one common ancestor , of the couple , who was there , mocking The Lord , wheh He was on His way with the Cross ( well, considering , we all only go as far as Adam and Eve, our own very ancestors were there in The Passion ; such an attitude/ view helps to make the repentance and acceptance of forgiveness more real and immediate , until it becomes easier to see that ongoing forgiveness from repentance at every occasion )

We see the Lord 's look of forgiveness and mercy , at the mocking ancestor …that we repent and accept His forgivness , to extend it to oneself and the other …

same with the nager / hatred … enough to see the other on the cross …as much as scripture says how hatred is murder …again, seeing The Lord , being nailed .by the ancestor …and His forgiveness .

.she too might be hateful …and expressing that hatred in various meausres …may be wanting her imperfect parents and you on the cross …and The Lord is there …with His Mother , on the side …and her look - ’ would there be repentance and gratitude to undo the hatred and enemy claims …’

nbccongress.org/features/prayer-for-healing.asp
- article on the role of the life giving repentance … …

.asking for mercy , on behalf of all …for all those with Jezebel / Judasic lines , in the family …after all, the whole Old Testament is our family !

Repentance along with praise and gratitude …often …along with the angels of all …the baby, the wife, other family …the ancestors …

the Holy Mass , after a good confession, the best occasion to do all the above …
( and often , when we make time/ space for God , with the understanding of how time too is His gift , the harriedness of life might becomeless or more bearable .)

and hope one day soon, the enemy claims / holds would be driven out , you would be a victorious warrior …on behalf of many !

maryundoerofknots.com/novena.htm -

Rosary devotion, with special prayers that seem to go well with the themes of repentance and exorcism, even generational healing, when her title of un doer of knots is seen as referring to the role of Eve ; said to be a fovorite devotion of Holy Father Francis .

May the migty prayers of St.Jospeh strenghen and protect you and yours !

Thank you for being trusting enough to share the concerns …allowing many , to bring

compassion and prayers !

 

[shipwrkd]

Even if a priest is an older heavy drinker and knows nothing of married life, he’s the only one qualified to counsel the OP regarding marriage as a Sacrament and if annulment would even be a possibility.

Anyone who is talking annulment needs to slow their roll. Seriously. Even if everything the OP said was accurate to a “T” and not a bit of embellishment, I don’t see any reason even for separation. Is there abuse? No. Is there infidelity? No. Is there unjust withholding of relations from the start of the marriage? No. (In that case there would be cause for petition to dissolve even a valid marriage)

I’m not suggesting annulment at all. From my understanding, even a priest can’t start annulment proceedings unless a valid divorce exists. I just wanted to show a priest’s involvement from a different perspective. From all information given, this is a totally savable marriage.

 

[Soren_Itenu]

You NEVER get on each other’s nerves?? Please write a book!

We’ve written ten!

 

[90Domer]

I don’t understand why everybody on this forum always advises to see a priest for marital trouble. Would you go see a married man to discuss difficulties with celibacy? Unless the priest is widowed, married EC rite, or married Anglican convert he really has no clue what it is like being married. I’d go a married deacon if I sought spiritual advice about marital problems. Counseling is a wonderful idea, but it takes two to make changes. If the wife isn’t willing to make those changes, then OP will have to make some hard decisons for himself and his child.

Priests have intensive seminary training on marriage and family issues. Also, priest have psychological tools at their disposal that others may not have (I am thinking about Catholic marriage inventories). Finally, priests know more about sacrificial love than any of us. They are married–to Holy Mother Church.

 

[newbetx]

Being in a marriage is very different than studying about marriage. I’m sure some priests are better at pastoral counseling than others. Most of the priests I’ve known have been older, heavy drinkers from Ireland. Perhaps that skews my opinion. I wouldn’t feel comfortable speaking to someone like that about my marriage.

Fair assessment! I certainly would feel uncomfortable asking a drinker for advice on cutting back if that might be part of a marital problem. And to be fair, there are many priests I’ve heard of on this fourm that don’t ALWAYS advise consistent with Catholic teaching… In fact there was this group of Canadian Bishops that did a poor job at one time, too. As always, asking for guidance, advice and counsel, one can find an adviser that does not give the best advice. But in general, priests ARE good counselors. Some have better training in various areas. But still, in general, a priest is pretty good at listening and not repeating what he hears! But we digress…

Spiritual counseling is important in ANY relationship. Whether with one’s wife, children or co-workers. And who better to give it than a priest?

 

[EasterJoy]

Anyone who is talking annulment needs to slow their roll. Seriously. Even if everything the OP said was accurate to a “T” and not a bit of embellishment, I don’t see any reason even for separation. Is there abuse? No. Is there infidelity? No. Is there unjust withholding of relations from the start of the marriage? No. (In that case there would be cause for petition to dissolve even a valid marriage)

Why all the “buyer’s remorse” here? Sounds like the OP’s wife is a bit on the gossipy and judgmental side. Or even a lot on the judgmental side. So? That’s a struggle for some people. Constantly judging people over their habits, politics, etc. and thinking there is a “right way” of doing everything, even things totally unrelated to morality.

That sounds like something that’s pretty annoying but not soul-sucking. While I’m blessed to have in-laws with whom I get along better than my own parents, not everyone is in that boat. I know that. But even if my in-laws were “nutty” I would consider it part of the job to put up with them and be as close to them as possible. Remember, when a man leaves his family he clings to his wife and the two become one flesh. That means, in an ideal situation, the man becomes more part of his wife’s family than she becomes part of his.

Again, that’s all part of the job. The fact that she’s gung-ho for intimacy is certainly something in your favor. It’s certainly a sign that she loves you.

Take your issues to counseling. And honestly, you need counseling for yourself before you bring your wife into it. This kind of relatively petty stuff is a pretty typical reason secular people get divorced. You’re called to more than that.

Finding that you’ve married a great sinner is not grounds for annulment, this is true.

Also, there is something in marriage (or in any vocation) that amounts to a kind of depression. The positives get screened out or rubbed out of memory, the negatives are amplified, and the objectively bad situations are presumed to be a permanent condition that no one can possibly endure. It’s kind of like living in Michigan, finding yourself in mid-January, and being tempted to forget what summer is like. It is hunting season for the tempter, that much is for certain.

There are also situations by which people who are being emotionally abused gradually resign themselves to abuse. Since the general mode of operation of the evil one is to tempt us to believe that which we can and ought to endure must be escaped and that the things we ought to find the courage or help to escape are inescapable, it is worthwhile to get outside counseling, especially spiritual counseling, whenever we are contemplating an action that is a mortal sin under one set of conditions, but which is the removal of the near occasion of sin for someone else under other conditions. It is not as if all suffering is sanctifying, after all. To hang around to be beaten by an alcoholic does not help the soul of the one beating you, nor does it make his amendment more likely. So these are things that are well worth talking to a good priest about. (If the priest seems ready to haul you out of your situation, no matter what it is, or to throw you back in, no matter what it is, find a priest who is a better listener and who will take the time to discern where you are before giving you advice…)

 

[shelby_sun]

To the OP, please don’t continue to keeping holding in your feelings. Believe it or not your wife may not truly understand what see is doing. You need to find a counselor you are comfortable with especially with your wife being pregnant and her hormones changing daily. Things will change once the baby comes and it actually get worse.

I have a co-work who has gone through the same thing for 10 years, unwilling to bring up therapy or open up to save his wife’s feeling and his reputation; however, now there are signs he maybe having an affair. Everyone know how his wife treats him and she knows to stay away from me because she constantly bad mouths him and I refuse to listen, as my mother did that when I was growing up. As I have told him, until you step up and be honest, the blame is on you. You are allowing your wife to treat you that way, only you can try to stop it. I hope you find the self worth to do that for the both of you. It maybe the best they you do for yourself and for her, and your child.

 

[TheWarriorMonk]

We never really understand the true situations of people; we can only speculate on what has been posted. The assertive statements being treated as truth here are simply opinions that may or may not be correct. Example: People assert that there is no basis for annulment. I see plenty of reasons, such as defect of consent.

With regard to the OP’s situation, I would suggest counseling based on the information provided. There seems to be a major communication problem going on before and after the marriage, which at this point has become habit. It’s not likely to change by a simple sit-down discussion. If things don’t change, it will create a toxic environment for the child, and the marriage will like break down at some point.

Obviously, the situation is made more complex by the wife’s pregnancy. Pregnancy can result in everything from no change in behavior to wild mood swings. But go to a counselor anyway to sort this out.

 

[KellyPalmer]

I’m sorry you are feeling this way and I’m also sorry for your wife. I agree that you don’t deserve to feel this way but she doesn’t deserve to have a husband who feels this way about her either. IMO, you need to start letting her know how you feel. It’s true you can’t unsay certain things so PLEASE don’t tell her everything you’ve told us…at least not all at once. But you need to start with one issue and address it with her gently. She needs to start learning how you feel. It wouldn’t be fair to dump it on her at once since it sounds like it’s been a while without open communication on the matters. But start opening up, gently. Then enlist the help of someone else. Some may not like the idea of a Priest but dh and I have received wonderful marriage counseling from our Priest. Otherwise, there are Catholic friendly therapists and if you can’t find one in your area, there is tele-counseling. Stop feeling sorry and start doing something about it! You haven’t given your wife a chance to change. There’s a good chance that she doesn’t want to be hurting you or making your life miserable. From what you describe, she may just be acting off of the example she’s been provided by her family but people can and do change once they see the error of their ways. And sometimes it takes some outside help. It always takes the help of God. How often do you pray about this specifically?

 

[novelista]

It may be better for the child to come from a separated household than a loveless broken one. Just something to try and discern.

I tend to agree with this comment. However, therapy for everyone is probably needed. Your new baby will only magnify the issues the two of you are having as a couple.

:byzsoc::byzsoc:

 

[Edmundus1581]

It’s hard to tell from your description whether your wife’s complaining is aggressive and bullying, or less than that. To me, a woman has the power to verbally bully a man just as much as a man can physically bully a woman. There is as much point in a man communicating how he feels about verbal bullying as there is for a woman to tell her husband how she feels about being beaten up.

Is she very nasty when she fights? Is she furious with you if you argue back? Does she have a furious temper? Even if she says “sorry” afterwards, but does the same thing repeatedly, then you may be dealing with a verbal bully. If such is the case, then I would recommend that same course of action as for a woman with a physically abusive husband. Remember, that abused spouses usually end up with their own ego crushed and blaming themselves. This sounds a bit like the family history on your wife’s side. I bet those “weak” husbands weren’t weak before they were married.

If it is less sever than this, then it may be helpful to pursue counselling and other communication options.

I agree with all the previous posters that this is only going to get worse after she has the child, and harder for you to do anything about.

Definitely talk to a priest about it. Some can be very insightful, while others tend towards advising “Give it time. Pray” as a solution (and a wrong solution) for most problems.

 

[gmarie21]

I read the other post you had about forgiveness. Your wife needs counseling, you need counseling. And you both need just the two of you time away from outsiders so that you become a unit that has such a strong wall no one can get through, over or under it. She grew up in dysfunction and does not see that the situation you discussed in the other thread IS dysfunction and will put your child at risk. Your instinct to protect is a good and correct one, but you must now learn how to protect in a way in which your wife can not only comprehend but also feel safe. Her self esteem may be quite low which is why she seems quite needy with you. She is testing you (whether she realizes it or not) to see if you will flee, if you will violate her, if you will love her unconditionally.

The fact that it seems that there is not healthy communication between the two of you IS THE major problem. But you must also treat her with the same gentleness you will treat your newborn infant child. Your wife was violated, her family has reacted in a very poor fashion to this fact, and this has caused her to react as she had. You cannot comprehend her feelings and rationalizations because you have never been in her shoes but you are correct in recognizing that her reactions (and that of her family’s) are dysfunctional and toxic. Your wife may know in the depth of her heart that things are wrong but does not know any other way. She may not have seen what healthy relationships look like (and based on how you have described your in-laws, she hasn’t seen healthy at all).

Instead of taking that 30 minutes to watch a show and 15 minutes to read the paper, use those 45 minutes and seek counseling for the both of you. She does need it to work through the violation she experienced as well as to start recognizing the dysfunction she has ingrained in her. You need it to help you understand what she has been through and how to love her as she deserves. You both need it in order to break the cycle. There is no shame in therapy. Remember, you must fight for psychological health because not only does your marriage depend on it, so does your child’s future because s/he may continue the dysfunction if the two of you do not stop this now and retrain your lives and interactions toward a healthy way. It is scary and a big risk, but she and you know what it looks like if you do nothing.

I have had to do this with my family and now my husband is doing it with his, why, because we don’t want that same cycle and pain for our children when they are adults, we don’t want them to never talk, create drama, not respect boundaries, and gossip about each other when they are adults. This is what is referred to when God talks about cursing your grandchildren. God doesn’t curse them, it is the fact that unless someone recognizes the dysfunction and breaks the cycle by living a healthy life that the dysfunction will be multi generational.

 

[Kal2012]

1. You need to stand up for yourself, regardless of what she may or may not do.
2. Your wife isn’t psychic and isn’t going to know how you feel unless you tell her.
3. Everyone feels this way once in awhile.
4. Therapy is a good idea for both of you.
5. Everyone needs some time where they aren’t doing something. Even if it is only 15 or 20 minutes.
6. I take the position that my husband’s workspace is “his” space and I’m not going to clean it. Everyone is entitled to their own space. I also figure that if he doesn’t like how things are cleaned, then he has two hands and can do it himself. He has taken up more of the housework in light of that fact. Also, my house has never been truly clean since we had our son. The standard for clean gets lowered - a lot - after you have kids.

Good luck.

 

[Xantippe]

By the way, I just noticed that you wrote something like “bedroom/study” in your original post. Please tell me that your bedroom is not a room heaped with your papers. That would drive 80% of women insane.

 

[EasterJoy]

I’ll say it again: it is worthwhile to get outside counseling, and especially spiritual counseling, whenever we are contemplating an action that is a mortal sin under one set of conditions but which is the removal of the near occasion of sin for someone else under other conditions. Divorce is a very serious matter, a grave matter, as is abandoning the right our children have under normal circumstances to daily love and guidance from two parents who have chosen to make a home for them together, and we ought not take it upon ourselves to make decisions like these for ourselves. The marriage, the spouse, and the children deserve that in our distress we seek the (name removed by moderator)ut of disinterested 3rd parties who can help us to be honest about our assessments. Modern society tells us to choose for ourselves what seems best for ourselves, and that we can trust this to be the best for all. That is a lie. I’ve heard the same thing out of the mouth of a man who had gotten a divorce of his own from the “wrong person”, only to discover when it was too late that a great deal of the problem was in himself. This is not just theory talking, then. It is the advice of a man who wished he had known then what he knew later. He had to live with the regret and consequences of his folly for decades, up until the day he died.

Also, while it is prudent to talk to a discrete 3rd party such as a priest, a marriage counselor, or both if you’ve become distraught about your marriage and family situation, that must be considered at least as preparation for quality communication with your spouse. It is not remotely fair to write off your marriage before you’ve told your spouse directly and repeatedly and in every way you can think of as the most likely to be successful in repairing it that the marriage has grave problems that cannot be addressed by the efforts of one spouse alone.

Finally: Marriage enjoys the presumption of validity until proven otherwise. Act as if you are in a valid marriage until all your best efforts have proven otherwise. In the meantime, let go of the “I married the wrong person” refrain. It takes a lot of work to prove that. The only exceptions are infidelity against an innocent spouse or imminent danger to you, your spouse, or any of your children. Only in those cases may you interrupt the conjugal life by the unilateral authority of one spouse. Otherwise, do not let yourself off the hook when you have made a solemn vow. Reserve judgement until you have consulted with others who have the office of helping married people to discern these things.

OP, do hang in there and do not beat yourself up about this difficult part of your life!! Take courage, and gather those around you who can help you through this problem! Do not go it alone! You don’t have an uncommon situation, nor one that “good couples” or “good people” never go through. You do have one that is more than you ought to try to handle yourself. Get help, discrete help, and more of it than you think you need. You probably could use more than that, but it is a place to start.