I need ADVICE! Badly!

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It sounds like he’s avoiding working independently because he’s afraid of failure. He’s using you as a sort of shield or buffer to keep him from having to go outside his comfort zone.

That’s interesting, because it suggests that he’s not lazy, just afraid.

It seems to me that if he were willing to do individual counseling and if he were to put his heart into it, a lot of your problems would disappear. That’s a big if, though.
 
I have said that exact thing. Individual therapy. He went. He quit. He went. He quit. Last year I put my foot down. He went again and said it did wonders for him. And he was done.

His big success was his common saying. You can’t move forward by looking back.

I don’t believe therapy will be on his radar again.
 
I know I am codependent too. My husband has a gambling addiction, but I didn’t discover it until a few years into our marriage, when I couldn’t figure out where the money in our account was going. He was writing $500 checks and not mentioning it.
He also is a nice guy, though he doesn’t work due to disability, and we have two children. So now all the bank accounts are in my name, he can’t take any money out. I give him $ every week for parking for his doctor appointments, pay his medical bills, provide food and pay all the bills. He gets a couple hundred in social security and I often take half of it for his bills. We don’t argue as he realizes he has this problem, though he can’t figure out why we were fine before when he was spending $500 at a time, and now he can’t do it. We weren’t fine, he just didn’t see the credit card bills.
It actually will give you a sense of peace and strength to put limits on your situation. Maybe attending Al-anon would help you, they teach great principles of detachment. You could start, as others have suggested, by working a reasonable amount of time at your job and spending time with your son.
God bless.
 
Codependents Anonymous (CoDA) would be good, but if not, Alanon would be next best (since they both ultimately have the same issues).
 
It seems to me that husband is not the type to run his own business.

The two of you may be better off living like the majority of American families with both parents working. His salary will probably start low. We all start low.
 
That’s the thing, he gave up a 70k a job to start this business that really has just been a little bit of freelance that I’ve gotten him.

He’s very talented at his niche but because we were in the same industry, I got hIm all of his interviews/jobs.

And it’s hard… Because I’ve consistently been a door mat. If I left… It would be rough considering he now has no job. I’m guessing I would have to pay alimony.
 
Perhaps it is time to scale down. Accept the fact that you need to plan your lifestyle around your salary. Now if this means finding affordable housing in cheaper neighborhood, eating differently, etc., so be it. Your husband will assume the role of babysitter, maid, man wife.
No less, no more.

Obviously you need to step into the role of breadwinner and boss. Accept it, take control and make it a success .

If your husband does not like the new you he can then move on or seriously man up.

Stop sending him clients, you should concentrate on your work so you can excel.

If you are unable to change yourself then you cannot continue to blame him for his lack of ability.

This is my honest opinion. Good luck to you. Pray always.
 
Problem is we are in a 2 year lease on our home. It’s $$$$. I can’t afford to break the lease… With the penalty. And I’m sure we’d get sued for leaving.

I thought if I left him… I have no family here. He doesn’t either. I guess I could just pay him alimony and let him continue this house wife behavior. It might be best for our son.
 
mega1 said:
Problem is we are in a 2 year lease on our home. It’s $$$$. I can’t afford to break the lease… With the penalty. And I’m sure we’d get sued for leaving.

I thought if I left him… I have no family here. He doesn’t either. I guess I could just pay him alimony and let him continue this house wife behavior. It might be best for our son.
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You are a smart woman. Bide your time, do not renew lease and do not give in to his weakness. It is not impossible.
 
“Problem is we are in a 2 year lease on our home. It’s $$$$. I can’t afford to break the lease… With the penalty. And I’m sure we’d get sued for leaving.”

What the heck is your bankruptcy doing for you, then? That’s what it should be for–to get you out of the lease.

Never, never sign a 2-year lease again–your situation is just not stable enough.

And I agree with what somebody said upthread about your husband not being a good candidate for self-employment. Some people just need to have a boss to tell them what to do.
 
Well, I could get out of the lease. But since HE didn’t file… He would get sued. And he would have no protection. So then I’d owe on that because I’m still married to him.

So essentially I have to keep working double jobs to keep the lease so he doesn’t get sued. So I can protect his credit. Because it will all hit me in the end… If I don’t protect him!
 
"Well, I could get out of the lease. But since HE didn’t file… He would get sued. And he would have no protection. So then I’d owe on that because I’m still married to him.

“So essentially I have to keep working double jobs to keep the lease so he doesn’t get sued. So I can protect his credit. Because it will all hit me in the end… If I don’t protect him!”

If he wants bankruptcy protection, he can file for bankruptcy, too. Why is it OK for you to file, but bad for him to file? After all, you are the breadwinner, so if anything, it is more crucial for you to preserve your good name.

Please discuss this with your bankruptcy attorney.

Why should you sacrifice your sanity and two years of time with your son to preserve your husband’s credit? That’s nuts.

Also, please bear in mind that you are setting up a situation where in the case of divorce, your husband will be not unlikely to get both spousal support and custody. That would be a terrible payback for all of your current sacrifices. Talk a divorce attorney and get some advice–not about divorcing at this point, but what to do so as to keep from losing your son in the case of divorce.
 
I know I am going out on a limb here, once again, and I expect to get shot down by many, but I’ll say it. I tend to favor traditional relationships. On some level, I think one reason you don’t respect, and are possibly even ashamed of him, is because you know you have your roles reversed and, on some level, don’t feel at all good about it.

I don’t think God intended for men to be like women or women to try to be like men. Yes, I know he is like “Mr. Mom”. However, you need a husband at this point, NOT a wife!
 
mega1 said:
Well, I could get out of the lease. But since HE didn’t file… He would get sued. And he would have no protection. So then I’d owe on that because I’m still married to him.

So essentially I have to keep working double jobs to keep the lease so he doesn’t get sued. So I can protect his credit. Because it will all hit me in the end… If I don’t protect him!
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No, you don’t owe him. HE screwed up YOUR credit because he refused to work a stable job, expected to spend more or less freely to feed his expensive tastes, and thinks it’s ok to risk your professional reputation by being socially clueless in a business setting.

Umm, HECK NAW!

So what if a divorce screws his credit up a bit by getting him sued for the lease? He DESTROYED yours. If he wants nice credit and to not be totally screwed then he can man up, get a job, and pay for the remainder of the lease!

Frankly, a LOT of folks want to start businesses and be their own boss, but bills need to be paid. If you’re working 60-80 hours a week there is no reason on God’s green Earth that he can’t work a full time job while building a business on the side.

Personally, I’d totally separate finances including bank accounts, tell him to get a freakin full time job as this whole business idea isn’t happening right now or file for divorce.
 
It has hit me that i would probably not get custody of my son because of my work schedule. I am required to work until 8:30pm. I am off of my “day job” only before noon while my son is in school. So, I can imagine my husband would get him most of the time.

It kills me to think that would be my fate. My son is everything to me, and it’s why I have stayed this long. But, you see… That it’s not exactly helping me in the long run. Not much would really change other than I would sleep elsewhere… I rarely see our son as it is.

This is hard. And I am getting resentful. I hate to admit it… But I am.
 
You aren’t trapped–you have lots of options. Here’s another one:

Find a substitute tenant for your landlord, rent a 2-bedroom apartment, and move. (If your husband refuses to move, consult a lawyer.)

Your energy and your mental health are your family’s most important resources right now. You need to preserve them at all costs. If you burn the candle at both ends with side jobs, it’s very likely that you will underperform at your main job and damage your main income. Don’t let that happen!
 
I can’t get the lease … I’m in bankruptcy. My mom won’t co sign. The only way is if he did if since his credit is fine.

I mean… I am trapped in this lease. I tried suggesting the move and he wouldn’t do it because the place I found was too far from our son’s school.

Then he will say… Fine I’ll just get a job at 40k and then we will pay the same amount as I make after taxes… For child care. And he’s about right unfortunately.
 
mega1 said:
I can’t get the lease … I’m in bankruptcy. My mom won’t co sign. The only way is if he did if since his credit is fine.

I mean… I am trapped in this lease. I tried suggesting the move and he wouldn’t do it because the place I found was too far from our son’s school.

Then he will say… Fine I’ll just get a job at 40k and then we will pay the same amount as I make after taxes… For child care. And he’s about right unfortunately.
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Yup, you’re an enabler. Childcare around here is about $150 a week. Private sitters are cheaper.No reason he couldn’t afford it with a 40k a year income. Even if childcare was double, he could afford it and still contribute to the family finances.

You do have options. You could look for a rental home through a private landlord in a cheaper area. Private landlords are more willing to work with you if you explain your situation. Too bad if your husband doesn’t like it. Bottom line, you’re the wage earner and he can either get a job or do what you think is necessary.

Yes, it may be far from the school. So what? Transfer to a closer school so that you can save money and have time to spend with your son as well as be more physically and mentally healthier.

Cut unnecessary expenses so that you would have to work less and can be able to be with your son more. if the hubby doesn’t like the expense cuts, again, he can get a job.

Nothing anyone here or anywhere else can say or do to help you unless you are willing to prioritize and put your foot down. You being there to spend time with your son should be the priority. Making your husband get a job and cutting expenses any way you can to make working less and being a mother more possible is a priority. Stop making excuses and make changes.
 
mega1 said:

“I mean… I am trapped in this lease. I tried suggesting the move and he wouldn’t do it because the place I found was too far from our son’s school.”

Is your child in private school? If so, pull him out and put him in public for the time being. This may be very wrenching for your son, but one less major expense to meet will buy you a lot of peace.

“Then he will say… Fine I’ll just get a job at 40k and then we will pay the same amount as I make after taxes… For child care. And he’s about right unfortunately.”

No way. There’s no way the math works on that. The taxes would be what, $10k, childcare couldn’t be more than $10k (he’s in school). There would be work clothes and transportation to think of, but anyway you slice it, I think he still manages to clear at least $10k. And anyway, even if $40k a year were a break even proposition, he could always work a non-career type job during school hours and you’d be way ahead of where you are today. You’d be able to easily afford your rental (unless it’s totally crazy, in which case you can’t afford it now, either).

Say thank you and take him up on his offer. It will be good for both of you.

A few more thoughts about the rental:

You can get out of it if necessary (for instance, if your husband continues to have no income). There are private parties who will rent to you without a credit score, particularly if you have money, which as it happens, you do have. (Advertise in Craigslist that you need to rent without a credit score, being very careful of course to make sure that the people you deal with actually own the home they are trying to rent.) You can either find a substitute tenant or, you can just move and take the consequences later.

Sure, your old landlord may sue you sometime down the road, but either you’ll have the money or you won’t have the money. If you have the money (and I’m actually rather hopeful that you can save up some), you can pay. If you don’t have the full sum, you can settle with them. If you don’t have any money at all, what are they going to do to you beyond garnish your wages? Nothing.

You’re going through bankruptcy. Financially, this is the worst thing that is ever going to happen to you. If you can make it through bankruptcy, you can break a lease.

Best wishes!
 
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