I need ADVICE! Badly!

[Deltadeliquent]

Been there, done that.

Is it just me?
What’s wrong with me?
I need to be better, prettier, kinder, more loving…
I take his comments the wrong way…
He didn’t mean it that way…

I’ve been gas lighted, by a very smart and educated man who world began and ended with himself. It took me 17 years to leave. Best decision I ever made.

Not telling you what to do, just saying.

Past behaviour is the best predictor of future behaviour…

 

[runwaymodel]

Been there, done that.

Is it just me?
What’s wrong with me?
I need to be better, prettier, kinder, more loving…
I take his comments the wrong way…
He didn’t mean it that way…

I’ve been gas lighted, by a very smart and educated man who world began and ended with himself. It took me 17 years to leave. Best decision I ever made.

Not telling you what to do, just saying.

Past behaviour is the best predictor of future behaviour.…

Perfectly stated. I completely agree with you except the last bolded part. I absolutely think people are capable of change but on their own terms and on their own time.

 

[mega1]

I agree. And I understand.

But I think my main concern is painting myself out to be the victim when that accusation could be unfair.

He has tried to get work. Yes he’s turned down 9 to 5 jobs but he is trying to get work.

But the issue (for me) comes back to … If your spouse is faced with bankruptcy… Why wouldn’t you try to take 2nd and third jobs?

Wouldn’t that be the normal recourse? Instead of telling your spouse to file bankruptcy? Especially when they are public figure?

 

[mega1]

Here’s where life is now.

He is making money working freelance. He picks up son and watches him after school. I come home for dinner break every night I can. When I get home from work at 10… Husband is often crashed on couch. We don’t really talk. There isn’t really any intimacy.

He will bombard me most days with text messages (while at work) typically complaining about something. If I don’t respond, he will call me at my desk.

And usually he will try to keep tabs on me etc. I’ve told him lately that I’m off kilter. Feeling depressed. Upset. And he just keeps suggesting I change careers. Work less. (Like him I guess)

Our money situation is obviously tight… Since he’s using my insurance check as money to cover living expenses and his biz equipment.

Yesterday he had a freelance job at an event. He asked me to drop him off so he didn’t have to park. I said okay. I asked him about what time he would be done. He said around. 8:30. So son and I went to mass and made plans to meet friends for dinner. My DH texted me that he needed to be picked up sooner because it was raining and his equipment was getting wet. So he asked us to leave mass at 5;30 and get him ASAP. We did … But I think it is an example of just doing everything he asks. No respect for our plans.

 

[Serap]

I understand. But I guess sometimes I think that this is more my fault than his.
Or that I’m unfairly punishing him for our problems.

I don’t think he’s an awful person. And I think many times that he asked me to take the credit hit alone so that we would be able to at least have one source of credit for house and cars. And I’ve seen that work to our benefit.

Although there is a part of me that thinks he should have offered to work second/third jobs to prevent us from bankruptcy.

We haven’t had a good sex life for long time but I realize sex is last on my priority lost.

I just worry that I’m leaving something that isn’t as bad as it could be…

Maybe as my mom says… This is my cross to bear?

That is your call. If you decide to stay, you must accept him as is and no more negative thoughts. It’s unfair to him to stay and complain about him.

 

[Serap]

Here’s where life is now.

He is making money working freelance. He picks up son and watches him after school. I come home for dinner break every night I can. When I get home from work at 10… Husband is often crashed on couch. We don’t really talk. There isn’t really any intimacy.

He will bombard me most days with text messages (while at work) typically complaining about something. If I don’t respond, he will call me at my desk.

And usually he will try to keep tabs on me etc. I’ve told him lately that I’m off kilter. Feeling depressed. Upset. And he just keeps suggesting I change careers. Work less. (Like him I guess)

Our money situation is obviously tight… Since he’s using my insurance check as money to cover living expenses and his biz equipment.

Yesterday he had a freelance job at an event. He asked me to drop him off so he didn’t have to park. I said okay. I asked him about what time he would be done. He said around. 8:30. So son and I went to mass and made plans to meet friends for dinner. My DH texted me that he needed to be picked up sooner because it was raining and his equipment was getting wet. So he asked us to leave mass at 5;30 and get him ASAP. We did … But I think it is an example of just doing everything he asks. No respect for our plans.

If I remember correctly, you were once unfaithful to him, so if he is checking up on you, its BC of that. He’s insecure.

Perhaps deep down, you feel you deserve this situation. Maybe you are also punishing yourself.

 

[mega1]

This is true Serap. I thought about that yesterday. So much time has passed and I have avoided really living because I was upset over this or that.

Can I ask … If you were in my situation… Do you think you could hang in there with no negative thoughts? Am I just a pain in the arse wife who can’t just live with what is given to me?

Am I too high Maintence? I think at the end of the day I want to be a better person. And I worry that I am the problem here.

 

[Serap]

This is true Serap. I thought about that yesterday. So much time has passed and I have avoided really living because I was upset over this or that.

Can I ask … If you were in my situation… Do you think you could hang in there with no negative thoughts? Am I just a pain in the arse wife who can’t just live with what is given to me?

Am I too high Maintence? I think at the end of the day I want to be a better person. And I worry that I am the problem here.

I believe if you decide to commit to your marriage, you need to change the way you see your husband.

If you decide to leave, do it and don’t look back.

 

[Serap]

You are not a pain in the arise