I need ADVICE! Badly!

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“The problem is we need his income! We can’t spare that money… We need it to get by. So he would need to make more than that…, in order to get that gear.”

That’s why you’re going to ask him to choose between the nice rental and the new equipment.

“Or… As he said… Maybe “I” could get my side biz to take off and pay for HIS equipment.”

No. His business pays for the equipment for his business out of its receipts.

Why is this even a question?

I don’t know why exactly, but your situation reminds me of the old joke about the guy who is brought in to the psychiatrist by a worried relative. “He thinks he’s a chicken,” says the worried relative. “No worries,” says the psychiatrist, “We can cure him!” “That’s the problem,” says the worried relative, “We need the eggs.”

You are buying into the delusion that his business makes money (just like the relative was convinced that the delusional guy was producing eggs). If it does make money, his business can pay for its own expansion. If it doesn’t make money, why bother?
 
mega1 said:
Yep! Just did that. He said he can’t do that because my day job is the only secure cash flow. And he would only be able to do that without counting on any additional income from me. He said his income isn’t reliable and I can’t expect it to be.
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He has a point b/c his income is sparatic. Can’t you guys come up with a monthly average based on the last 12 months?
 
mega1 said:

“He said his income isn’t reliable and I can’t expect it to be.”

Yes, and that’s why you’re not going to either buy equipment or live in housing that is dependent on him bringing in an income. Your housing needs to be affordable on your income alone.

When are you guys going to do a personal finance class together? Why just keep on spinning your wheels?

daveramsey.com/fpu/preview/

There’s no point in earning as much money as you do if you’re going to spend yourselves broke. And it’s not just him–you are seriously considering doing this dumb thing with buying him equipment even though you are in bankruptcy. How does that make sense?

You need to think more strategically about how to deal with an irregular income. Here are some links to get you started.

daveramsey.com/article/how-to-budget-an-irregular-income/lifeandmoney_budgeting/

daveramsey.com/media/pdf/irregular_income_planning.pdf
 
No because he’s just done this freelance work for 2 months. He quit his full time job to do this… Before… Yes he had consistent income. Now… No. I have been the one trying to get him leads.

Here’s what I need to do. I need to work my day job and get my own side business going (with out his help/screwing it up) to the point where it replaces his income. So he will continue being a stay at home dad and getting freelance work when he can. That surplus can buy him whatever…

I just can’t count his income… To help plan anything.
 
mega1 said:
The problem is we need his income! We can’t spare that money… We need it to get by. So he would need to make more than that…, in order to get that gear.

Or… As he said… Maybe “I” could get my side biz to take off and pay for HIS equipment.

I’m so tired…
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He wants money from you? Um, has he forgotten that you are bankrupt? Maybe your side business can be used to pay off the bankruptcy that has been put on your credit history. If he wants equipment for his business, he needs to get a job and save up for it, because he’s not been contributing enough (either in making money or refraining from spending it) to keep you solvent. The least he can do is to not spend money that he’s not willing to earn himself.
 
EasterJoy said:
He wants money from you? Um, has he forgotten that you are bankrupt? Maybe your side business can be used to pay off the bankruptcy that has been put on your credit history. If he wants equipment for his business, he needs to get a job and save up for it, because he’s not been contributing enough (either in making money or refraining from spending it) to keep you solvent. The least he can do is to not spend money that he’s not willing to earn himself.
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No joke!

I’d straight out tell him that we’re moving to a less expensive house. We aren’t buying ANYTHING that is not absolutely necessary for the forseeable future, trips and vacations will resume once all past debt has been paid off, and any equipment he would like for his side business can be purchased with his own money AFTER all debt is paid off. No questions, comments, if’s, and’s or butt’s. End of conversation.
 
I really have 2 choices. Work to secure his income level and my own… And have him stay home w son and continue his freelance work… And stay in the marriage.

Or work to secure his alimony (allow him to continue taking care of son while I’m at work) and pay for a place for him to live. And be separated… Divorced. And try to find myself again. He will want alimony.
 
mega1 said:
I really have 2 choices. Work to secure his income level and my own… And have him stay home w son and continue his freelance work… And stay in the marriage.

Or work to secure his alimony (allow him to continue taking care of son while I’m at work) and pay for a place for him to live. And be separated… Divorced. And try to find myself again. He will want alimony.
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and number 3…stay with him until your son is old enough to be independent and in the mean time, put your foot down about his spending.
 
mega1 said:
I really have 2 choices. Work to secure his income level and my own… And have him stay home w son and continue his freelance work… And stay in the marriage.

Or work to secure his alimony (allow him to continue taking care of son while I’m at work) and pay for a place for him to live. And be separated… Divorced. And try to find myself again. He will want alimony.
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He may want alimony but he probably wouldn’t get it. Alimony is usually only granted when a spouse has been unemployed or underemployed due to not having education/job training and stayed at home to support the working spouse for years.

Even then, at least in my state, alimony is only granted for a certain amount of time to give the non-working spouse time to get an education and begin a career. Because you said your husband has been established in a career and has only been SAHD for a couple months in addition to him earning a small income from his side business, I would think he’d get very little if anything at all as far as alimony is concerned.

Seriously, call a lawyer and explain the WHOLE situation. Ask an attorney what he’d likely get.
 
MJJean said:
Seriously, call a lawyer and explain the WHOLE situation. Ask an attorney what he’d likely get.
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This. Get professional answers that apply to you specifically. You need advice for your jurisdiction, including whether or not your bankruptcy or long work hours will adversely affect your likelihood to be granted custody.
 
This whole thread is rather mind-boggling. My thoughts:
  1. You do not have to maintain your current lifestyle. It sounds like hell in a nice house.
  2. Tell your husband that things need to change or you and son are moving out. Move to a cheap apartment. Get a “normal” job and spend your evenings with son. Yes, you will be living simply and not have the “goodies” of life…but gee, you’ll have peace of mind and a relationship with your son. And the millstone around your neck will be looking for his next meal ticket.
I have no patience with men like this. And you need to stop enabling him.

Don’t know what kind of work you do, but if it’s that high paying you must have to be decisive and use judgement…use those skills in your personal life, too.
 
Here’s the latest update on my situation. I took my husband and son to look at 2 rentals this weekend that were sizably cheaper. Save about 1k a month. My husband didn’t like either.

I asked him to help me get a better gauge of his expected income. I acknowledge that’s difficult given that he is doing freelance work. He really has made no effort. He told me that he would work his resources. He got (allegedly) a 2 day job that he says he must buy at least 1500 dollars worth of equipment for. It will leave him with about 500 in profit. But we will probably spend that in child care because he will have to travel.

I bid 5 jobs for him through my connections over the weekend. I’m still not sure if i/he will get the work. He says he doesn’t want to move again and that we will “make it fine”.

Every day we wake up with this uncertainty. But I see that our son is happy having his dad at home. I personally think that the best situation is for us to downsize and reduce the pressure… Allow him to continue this freelance work and be home in the afternoon/evening with our son.

But the hardest thing for me… Is accepting that set up. I have a hard time seeing my husband as anything but lazy in that role. He’s not… It’s just my feeling. I would rather be home and working freelance and have him bringing in the income. But I can’t change that now, right? He’s not capable of making that happen.

I did ask him to look at another house down the street and he doesn’t like it because it doesn’t have a garage. Although it has a large storage area:shed. He says our stuff won’t fit.

I just hate that I’m getting so tired and losing ambition.
 
mega1 said:
Here’s the latest update on my situation. I took my husband and son to look at 2 rentals this weekend that were sizably cheaper. Save about 1k a month. My husband didn’t like either.

I asked him to help me get a better gauge of his expected income. I acknowledge that’s difficult given that he is doing freelance work. He really has made no effort. He told me that he would work his resources. He got (allegedly) a 2 day job that he says he must buy at least 1500 dollars worth of equipment for. It will leave him with about 500 in profit. But we will probably spend that in child care because he will have to travel.

I bid 5 jobs for him through my connections over the weekend. I’m still not sure if i/he will get the work. He says he doesn’t want to move again and that we will “make it fine”.

Every day we wake up with this uncertainty. But I see that our son is happy having his dad at home. I personally think that the best situation is for us to downsize and reduce the pressure… Allow him to continue this freelance work and be home in the afternoon/evening with our son.

But the hardest thing for me… Is accepting that set up. I have a hard time seeing my husband as anything but lazy in that role. He’s not… It’s just my feeling. I would rather be home and working freelance and have him bringing in the income. But I can’t change that now, right? He’s not capable of making that happen.

I did ask him to look at another house down the street and he doesn’t like it because it doesn’t have a garage. Although it has a large storage area:shed. He says our stuff won’t fit.

I just hate that I’m getting so tired and losing ambition.
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He doesn’t want to move, so have a candid discussion with him and tell him that he can either have his new equipment or stay in your current house. He can’t have both. Tell him to choose.
 
At this point I am trying to figure out why this is still even a discussion. You are in bankruptcy. Cutting expenses isn’t optional. He doesn’t have to like it. If he’s going to continue as a SAHD then he’s going to have to accept a lifestyle downgrade and a move to a place he doesn’t like. Period. I am pretty sure he isn’t going to like anywhere you want to move to that is less expensive.

I think you’re more or less hinting and politely leading him into making changes needed. The time for that is long past and it’s time to simply tell him what you are going to do as a family. No questions, opinions, if’s, and’s, or butt’s. If you can’t do that, if you can’t firmly make necessary changes, then you’re just going to continue on as you have been until the creditors or the courts start taking your $$ and assets.

And, seriously, daycare isn’t that expensive. Shop around. As I said earlier, for a school aged child in my area the daycares average $150 a week for 5 days of care. Private sitters are either priced the same with some light housework thrown in or cheaper.

I understand your son is happy with daddy home. However, he might be just as happy with a kindly after school sitter or in a daycare with other kids his age. There is also the combo plate of a private sitter with kids his age to play with.

And I am pretty sure he’ll be much happier with a financially stable and secure family who has paid off debt, saved for his education, and owns their home than any other scenario.

Additionally, I am sure he’d be thrilled if he could spend more time with mommy because she made daddy grow the heck up and now has to work less hours.
 
mega1 said:

“But the hardest thing for me… Is accepting that set up. I have a hard time seeing my husband as anything but lazy in that role. He’s not… It’s just my feeling. I would rather be home and working freelance and have him bringing in the income. But I can’t change that now, right? He’s not capable of making that happen.”

If you cut down your lifestyle, you won’t have to work as hard. The less you need to be content, the less you’ll need to work.

I don’t really like the book, but a lot of people enjoy “Your Money or Your Life.” There’s quite a cult around it. There’s a summary here:

mrmoneymustache.com/2012/12/18/your-money-or-your-life/

If you work 50 hours a week and your husband works school hours (even just as a barista), you will bring in more than enough to support a family with only one child. Your household does not need more than 80 hours of wage labor a week to keep you fed, housed and clothed.

MJJean said:

“Additionally, I am sure he’d be thrilled if he could spend more time with mommy because she made daddy grow the heck up and now has to work less hours.”

Yes!

Serap said:

“He doesn’t want to move, so have a candid discussion with him and tell him that he can either have his new equipment or stay in your current house. He can’t have both. Tell him to choose.”

Yes! Have him choose.
 
Well, there’s really not a choice between new equipment and/or current house. Maybe IN TIME we could afford his equipment in a new home…but it certainly wouldn’t be right away.

I wish I can fix all of this…and get this business to start churning out major $$$. It’s just tough… I think there comes a point when you start churning your wheels and working harder and not smarter…
 
I would recommend getting the house that will save $1K per month, tell your husband he can move with you and your son, or he can pay for the expensive rental and the yard work out of his own income. Put your son in after-school care or a child care facility. Cut back to one job and work 2 - 3 hrs. a day on getting home work so you can be home in the evenings. If you cut down to 40 -50 hrs. per week, you can have your son in child care only a couple of hours each day 5 days per week. DON’T have Daddy take care of him after school, he should be working, not being a babysitter. That should have stopped when he was 16! That gives you evenings to work on building a home business. When the home business will support the two of you, quit your day job. Let your son spend Saturdays with his Dad, on Sunday take him with you to Mass and spend all day with him. After he goes to bed in the early evening, work on your home business. But don’t stay up half the night! Put him to bed by 8:00 pm, work on your home business until about 10 or 10:30, then YOU go to bed and get some rest. File for Legal Separation with you having custody of your son and he can spend one day a week with Daddy. Meantime, Daddy can find a job or lose the expensive rental and get an apartment HE can afford. Do not give him money to live on!!! He will have to grow up and learn to work, or he can go home to HIS Mommy to live! You’ll be surprised that after a month or so, your son will be happier, you will certainly be happier and your stress level will be very, very low! You’ll be happier, your son will be happier, and your husband will either grow up & learn to work, or he’ll stay the way he is and go back home! (Mommy (his) will either make him get a job, or throw him out and tell him to support himself. If he grows up and learns to make a living, you may be able to get together again. If not, he’s not worth the stress and pain you are living in. You’re going to ruin your health and ruin your son’s mental and emotional development if you stay in this situation indefinitely. Keep up the appointments with the Counselor, and get out of a situation with could give you a stroke or heart attack! Then what will happen with your son? Your husband can’t support him at this point, and he’ll end up in either an orphanage or placed in a home by Social Services, which could ruin HIS life!

By the way – DON’T GET YOUR HUSBAND ANY MORE “BUSINESS” – LET HIM FIND HIS OWN! He’s an adult (supposedly) and should be able to get his own jobs. HE IS JUST USING YOU! As for his being “cold” or refusing to speak to you – GREAT! That gives you some peace and quiet! Enjoy it!!!👍

P.S. CHANGE YOUR PASSWORDS OR HE’LL SEE ALL THESE POSTS AS WELL AS READING ALL YOUR BUSINESS WORK (HOME BUSINESS) AS WELL AS YOUR INCOME AND BANK ACCOUNTS! ALSO CHANGE BANKS, PUT YOUR MONEY IN YOUR NAME ONLY AND ARRANGE FOR SOMEONE YOU CAN TRUST (CLOSE FRIEND OR FAMILY MEMBER) TO BE THE P.O.A. AND TO BE THE ONE TO HAVE YOUR SON IF YOU KILL YOURSELF WORKING SO MANY HOURS. ALSO TELL CO-WORKERS NOT TO PUT THROUGH ANY CALLS FROM YOUR HUSBAND WHEN YOU ARE AT WORK. TELL THE SCHOOL TO ONLY CALL YOU — NOT YOUR HUSBAND. ALSO CHANGE YOUR CELL PHONE NUMBERS!!! God Bless You! Now go do what you need to do, instead of just complaining and dreaming about it!🙂
 
mega1 said:

“Well, there’s really not a choice between new equipment and/or current house. Maybe IN TIME we could afford his equipment in a new home…but it certainly wouldn’t be right away.”

If his business is making money, the business can pay for equipment out of receipts. The more he works, the more money he makes, the more money he can spend on equipment.
 
This all sounds easy…but the hardest part is my reality. My primary job requires me to work from 12:30 to 10:15 every day (M-F). I can often get a dinner break at 6…until 7:30 and that’s when I fly home to have dinner with them. But, I can’t be around to put my son to sleep. So…I will probably lose custody of our son…if I leave. I have very little ability to be a good custodial parent… when I’m required to be at work when my son is home.

Of course the summer is different…but that’s only 3 months out of the year.
judynurse said:
I would recommend getting the house that will save $1K per month, tell your husband he can move with you and your son, or he can pay for the expensive rental and the yard work out of his own income. Put your son in after-school care or a child care facility. Cut back to one job and work 2 - 3 hrs. a day on getting home work so you can be home in the evenings. If you cut down to 40 -50 hrs. per week, you can have your son in child care only a couple of hours each day 5 days per week. DON’T have Daddy take care of him after school, he should be working, not being a babysitter. That should have stopped when he was 16! That gives you evenings to work on building a home business. When the home business will support the two of you, quit your day job. Let your son spend Saturdays with his Dad, on Sunday take him with you to Mass and spend all day with him. After he goes to bed in the early evening, work on your home business. But don’t stay up half the night! Put him to bed by 8:00 pm, work on your home business until about 10 or 10:30, then YOU go to bed and get some rest. File for Legal Separation with you having custody of your son and he can spend one day a week with Daddy. Meantime, Daddy can find a job or lose the expensive rental and get an apartment HE can afford. Do not give him money to live on!!! He will have to grow up and learn to work, or he can go home to HIS Mommy to live! You’ll be surprised that after a month or so, your son will be happier, you will certainly be happier and your stress level will be very, very low! You’ll be happier, your son will be happier, and your husband will either grow up & learn to work, or he’ll stay the way he is and go back home! (Mommy (his) will either make him get a job, or throw him out and tell him to support himself. If he grows up and learns to make a living, you may be able to get together again. If not, he’s not worth the stress and pain you are living in. You’re going to ruin your health and ruin your son’s mental and emotional development if you stay in this situation indefinitely. Keep up the appointments with the Counselor, and get out of a situation with could give you a stroke or heart attack! Then what will happen with your son? Your husband can’t support him at this point, and he’ll end up in either an orphanage or placed in a home by Social Services, which could ruin HIS life!

By the way – DON’T GET YOUR HUSBAND ANY MORE “BUSINESS” – LET HIM FIND HIS OWN! He’s an adult (supposedly) and should be able to get his own jobs. HE IS JUST USING YOU! As for his being “cold” or refusing to speak to you – GREAT! That gives you some peace and quiet! Enjoy it!!!👍

P.S. CHANGE YOUR PASSWORDS OR HE’LL SEE ALL THESE POSTS AS WELL AS READING ALL YOUR BUSINESS WORK (HOME BUSINESS) AS WELL AS YOUR INCOME AND BANK ACCOUNTS! ALSO CHANGE BANKS, PUT YOUR MONEY IN YOUR NAME ONLY AND ARRANGE FOR SOMEONE YOU CAN TRUST (CLOSE FRIEND OR FAMILY MEMBER) TO BE THE P.O.A. AND TO BE THE ONE TO HAVE YOUR SON IF YOU KILL YOURSELF WORKING SO MANY HOURS. ALSO TELL CO-WORKERS NOT TO PUT THROUGH ANY CALLS FROM YOUR HUSBAND WHEN YOU ARE AT WORK. TELL THE SCHOOL TO ONLY CALL YOU — NOT YOUR HUSBAND. ALSO CHANGE YOUR CELL PHONE NUMBERS!!! God Bless You! Now go do what you need to do, instead of just complaining and dreaming about it!🙂
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Then get a babysitter for after school until you get home! (A MUCH older woman, perhaps a Grandmother whose grandkids are far away. (prevents any temptations at home with husband too). Wake your son briefly when you get home, give him a kiss and tell him you love him. Get up and get him ready for school (including breakfast), take him to school, unless the school bus picks him up, in which case you can walk him to the pick up, see him off, then work on your business in the morning! You should be able to get in two hours before you have to get ready for work. You might get in 1 hour after you get home, but get enough sleep! If you have two jobs, what hours do you work the other job??? Sounds like you work 10 hours a day at one job, which is too many to begin with! What type of work do you do? If you are so skilled that you make so much money, look for another company that only requires 8 hours a day, perhaps from 8 am to 5 pm, with a lunch break. Then you CAN be home to put your son to bed. Stop letting your husband be the “stay-at-home-Mom”! You can do this yourself – look for solutions, not more problems. There are other jobs out there, especially at the level you seem to be at!

Not trying to be hard on you, but you are focusing on your problems, not on your solutions! Look for answers to those problems and be more positive! I’m praying for you daily!
 
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