I need ADVICE! Badly!

[MJJean]

This all sounds easy…but the hardest part is my reality. My primary job requires me to work from 12:30 to 10:15 every day (M-F). I can often get a dinner break at 6…until 7:30 and that’s when I fly home to have dinner with them. But, I can’t be around to put my son to sleep. So…I will probably lose custody of our son…if I leave. I have very little ability to be a good custodial parent… when I’m required to be at work when my son is home.

Of course the summer is different…but that’s only 3 months out of the year.

Why do you persist in this fearful fallacy? Do you have any idea how many custodial parents work long hours? I personally know quite a few that are working 13-16 hour days with school aged children and have in-home sitters. Frankly, there is more to recommend you as custodial parent than there is to recommend your husband. You have a steady income and are fully capable of hiring a sitter while supporting your child.

And, as I said before, alimony is a possibility but considering your husband has been a SAHD for just a few months the courts would most likely not award alimony and simply tell him to get a dang job.

Really, seriously, talk to a few lawyers.

By not doing anything you are guaranteeing this situation will never change for the better.

 

[Xantippe]

MJJean said:

“And, as I said before, alimony is a possibility but considering your husband has been a SAHD for just a few months the courts would most likely not award alimony and simply tell him to get a dang job.”

Particularly for a school-age child.

 

[LittleRose]

I tried to call off the wedding, but my mother flipped out. So I went through it.

This sounds like grounds for an annulment. (I think.) You should consult your priest or a Canon lawyer about this to see if it is.

 

[judynurse]

You have gotten a lot of good advice on this thread. I think it is now time for you to make some moves to improve your life. We all feel a lot of compassion for you and pray for you, but we can’t DO anything – only YOU can! By the way, did you go back to the Counselor this week? Did you move your paycheck to a separate account in your name only? Did you change the passwords on your pc? Did you change your cell phone number so that only the school, doctor and your boss have the number??? Have you followed any of the advice given other than going to a counselor, or have you kept up the counseling to help yourself? You don’t tell us if you are making any progress, only that YOU got him “5 more jobs” and don’t even know if he’ll do them! You are still helping him, not yourself! If you want help, you need to start following some of your own ideas, take some of the advice (at least from your counselor) and find a Priest you can actually TALK to about all this!!

Now, where are you now with your plans? Have you followed through on the counseling? Are you doing anything to help yourself, or still enabling him to be ineffective? And, are you going to Mass and taking your son with you??? The Priest can also help you if you are eligible for an Annulment. Did you ever go see a lawyer, as you planned? Initial meetings with a lawyer to explore possibilities are often free!
We all care, but we can’t do it for you. God bless you and give you strength and wisdom!

 

[GenerationHV]

This whole thread is rather mind-boggling. My thoughts:

1. You do not have to maintain your current lifestyle. It sounds like hell in a nice house.
2. Tell your husband that things need to change or you and son are moving out. Move to a cheap apartment. Get a “normal” job and spend your evenings with son. Yes, you will be living simply and not have the “goodies” of life…but gee, you’ll have peace of mind and a relationship with your son. And the millstone around your neck will be looking for his next meal ticket.

I have no patience with men like this. And you need to stop enabling him.

Don’t know what kind of work you do, but if it’s that high paying you must have to be decisive and use judgement…use those skills in your personal life, too.

It’s not easy for anyone to change jobs right now or get a job period. I asked this before but didn’t get a response.

What is the current sacramental life like in your home?

Instead of dissecting every conversation w CAF why not take them before the Lord? Do any local churches have Adoration after Daily mass? You could stop in briefly before mass after your dear son heads to school. Stop listening to everyone telling you separation, divorce or annulment will solve your problems.

 

[LittleRose]

…

I asked him to help me get a better gauge of his expected income. I acknowledge that’s difficult given that he is doing freelance work. He really has made no effort. He told me that he would work his resources. He got (allegedly) a 2 day job that he says he must buy at least 1500 dollars worth of equipment for. It will leave him with about 500 in profit. But we will probably spend that in child care because he will have to travel.

.

Why are you asking this puerile boy in a man’s body to do anything? You know he won’t. Part of the problem here is that you keep expecting him to change. You can’t make him change. Only he can do that, and it is clear from your postings that he is pretty content with himself as he is.

I bid 5 jobs for him through my connections over the weekend.
.

Stop doing that.

But the hardest thing for me… Is accepting that set up. I have a hard time seeing my husband as anything but lazy in that role. He’s not… It’s just my feeling. I would rather be home and working freelance and have him bringing in the income. But I can’t change that now, right? He’s not capable of making that happen.
.

A man who won’t call a repairman himself or take an important emergency medical form to his son’s school or make his own business contacts isn’t lazy? Ok…

You are right, you can’t change the fact that you are the only adult in your household. If you are going to stay with him you must accept it. If you are going to leave, you have to have to accept it too, or else you will never find the strength to follow through. You can’t make him into a man if he isn’t interested in being one. Others on this thread have already given you good tips for protecting yourself from his behavior. Your life can’t get better until you take it.

 

[Serap]

Sometimes change takes time and courage.

 

[judynurse]

Then let us pray for courage, perseverance, and then change can come, even to those who look like they will never change. The best result would be for God to help her husband to change, to have a true change of heart. Not everyone can change this way, but I have seen some I would have said could never change have an encounter with God, either through prayer, a dream or just God acting in their lives to make an extraordinary change! If God closes one door, I believe He always opens another. If we keep staring at the closed door, we won’t see the open one behind or beside us!

 

[mega1]

Well thanks for asking how I’ve progressed. I must admit that I have not carried out and seen an attorney just yet. Here’s where I fall short. When my husband is making me special dinners or offering to help me with a project etc… I lose focus. I think… gosh he’s a good guy who means well… I just need to find a way to support this family better and everything will be okay. But then he will do something very disheartening and I’ll get down again.

For example, yesterday I had a very high pressure work meeting that he knew about. A good deal of pressure was on my shoulders. 4 o’clock straight up. He knew and even texted me good luck. At 3:58 he sent me a text to tell me that my former colleague (competitor) just got the huge job that I had always wanted. Of course that made me feel sad and threw me off a bit…,

Today, I told him i knew he didn’t intend to hurt me… But that his text bothered me. He got defensive and told me I wouldn’t want that Job anyway since its in CA etc. he went on and on about how I was wrong for caring about this woman. But he never apologized or acknowledged what he did.

That left me back in an inferior position. Again I don’t think he meant it on purpose. But he certainly didn’t say he was sorry.,

So I am going to at least talk to an attorney on Tuesday. We will see what he says…

 

[agnes_therese]

Again I don’t think he meant it on purpose. But he certainly didn’t say he was sorry.,

So I am going to at least talk to an attorney on Tuesday. We will see what he says…

I’m glad you’re going to see an attorney. PLEASE keep this appointment. The timing of that text could not have been a coincidence. It looks very deliberate.

 

[Serap]

Well thanks for asking how I’ve progressed. I must admit that I have not carried out and seen an attorney just yet. Here’s where I fall short. When my husband is making me special dinners or offering to help me with a project etc… I lose focus. I think… gosh he’s a good guy who means well… I just need to find a way to support this family better and everything will be okay. But then he will do something very disheartening and I’ll get down again.

For example, yesterday I had a very high pressure work meeting that he knew about. A good deal of pressure was on my shoulders. 4 o’clock straight up. He knew and even texted me good luck. At 3:58 he sent me a text to tell me that my former colleague (competitor) just got the huge job that I had always wanted. Of course that made me feel sad and threw me off a bit…,

Today, I told him i knew he didn’t intend to hurt me… But that his text bothered me. He got defensive and told me I wouldn’t want that Job anyway since its in CA etc. he went on and on about how I was wrong for caring about this woman. But he never apologized or acknowledged what he did.

That left me back in an inferior position. Again I don’t think he meant it on purpose. But he certainly didn’t say he was sorry.,

So I am going to at least talk to an attorney on Tuesday. We will see what he says…

I cannot say that the timing of the text was deliberate or not. Sometimes we do things subconsciously without realizing it. The mind is a very complicated thing that even scientists have yet to figure out.

I just think your husband’s thought processes tend to revolve around himself. I do believe that he loves you, but I also think you husband is too self absorbed to be “selfless”. He does nice things for you b/c he knows that he should be doing it, but at the end of the day, his needs come first in his mind.

For example, his need to tell you right away and not wait until after your meeting, caused him to send you the text at 3:58. He probably didn’t give much thought of how it would affect you, he just found out and had to tell you. He couldn’t wait. Perhaps he also has bad impulse control.

You haven’t left b/c he’s a great dad and he is not all that bad of a husband either really. He is just very self-absorbed and lacks empathy.

 

[MJJean]

Well thanks for asking how I’ve progressed. I must admit that I have not carried out and seen an attorney just yet. Here’s where I fall short. When my husband is making me special dinners or offering to help me with a project etc… I lose focus. I think… gosh he’s a good guy who means well… I just need to find a way to support this family better and everything will be okay. But then he will do something very disheartening and I’ll get down again.

So I am going to at least talk to an attorney on Tuesday. We will see what he says…

So you recognize the problem. He manipulates you and you let him. This needs to stop. If you decide to stay married, fine. If you decide to divorce, fine. But either way you MUST stop letting him manipulate you.

Please keep the appointment with the lawyer and make sure the lawyer knows everything. In fact, see a few lawyers and get a few different opinions before making a decision.

Meantime, STOP putting your professional reputation on the line for your irresponsible and immature husband. Make him get his own work. People talk. People that you never suspected might hear something negative will eventually hear it. The last thing you need is to have your professional reputation dragged through the mud because your husband can’t man up. Especially since you are trying to start your own business. Frankly, I wouldn’t hire you to do work for me if I knew of your professional association with your husband because of his laziness and immaturity. Not because I wouldn’t want to work with you, but because I wouldn’t want to chance having the project delayed or destroyed by you possibly delegating or depending on someone so undependable.

And separate your finances. Your husband cannot be trusted to handle money.

 

[Serap]

Your husband does good work when u get him jobs, no?

 

[mega1]

Yes. If I just let him focus on his own artistic craft, he is excellent. It’s the business and marketing side that I must handle for him.

 

[Serap]

Yes. If I just let him focus on his own artistic craft, he is excellent. It’s the business and marketing side that I must handle for him.

Well that’s a positive thing and he’s a great dad too.

You are married to an adolescent trapped in a man’s body unfortunately. Once you realize this, then you can begin to treat him like the adolescent that he is. Sometimes this includes setting the rules

 

[mega1]

Hi guys … I am back here to write with an update. Not much of one… But I came here to re read the advice that has already been given to me.

I haven’t taken much action. I have been paralyzed by the fear of losing the status quo that we are at. I have been in therapy… Learning about co dependency.

My husband had been getting freelance jobs and seemingly doing well. However I’m just now learning that some of these jobs … He hasn’t gotten paid for yet.

Some of my jewelry was stolen (notated in previous thread) and I got a 6k insurance check. I told my husband when we got it weeks ago, that I didn’t want to go get a new wedding ring etc until we knew for sure that we didn’t need the money to pay lawyers from a housing dispute. He said okay.

Well I just found out yesterday that he deposited it into his account and he has been using it to cover our living expenses and buying equipment for his biz, since his checks haven’t come in. He’s not out spending money recklessly … But still.

I know I need to move on from him but I’m SICK with fear. I can’t eat or sleep. It’s eating me up. I come here for strength and hopefully words of wisdom…

 

[runwaymodel]

Hi guys … I am back here to write with an update. Not much of one… But I came here to re read the advice that has already been given to me.

I haven’t taken much action. I have been paralyzed by the fear of losing the status quo that we are at. I have been in therapy… Learning about co dependency.

My husband had been getting freelance jobs and seemingly doing well. However I’m just now learning that some of these jobs … He hasn’t gotten paid for yet.

Some of my jewelry was stolen (notated in previous thread) and I got a 6k insurance check. I told my husband when we got it weeks ago, that I didn’t want to go get a new wedding ring etc until we knew for sure that we didn’t need the money to pay lawyers from a housing dispute. He said okay.

Well I just found out yesterday that he deposited it into his account and he has been using it to cover our living expenses and buying equipment for his biz, since his checks haven’t come in. He’s not out spending money recklessly … But still.

** I know I need to move on from him but I’m SICK with fear. I can’t eat or sleep. It’s eating me up. I come here for strength and hopefully words of wisdom…**

I can’t offer any more advice that what has already been given to you. I can only offer up prayers that hopefully will give you the courage to do what you must.
You mention and realize that you are co-dependent, because obviously this is a very unhealthy relationship given he won’t do his part to go to counseling, stop spending money, and help you out financially. It just seems outrageous that someone who loves you is willing to sacrifice you and your credit to save his. But, and I don’t mean to say this as in insult, but if you do choose to move on from him, how could you possibly be in a worse situation than you are now?
All the best. Thank you for the update.

 

[Serap]

I can’t offer any more advice that what has already been given to you. I can only offer up prayers that hopefully will give you the courage to do what you must.
You mention and realize that you are co-dependent, because obviously this is a very unhealthy relationship given he won’t do his part to go to counseling, stop spending money, and help you out financially. It just seems outrageous that someone who loves you is willing to sacrifice you and your credit to save his. But, and I don’t mean to say this as in insult, but if you do choose to move on from him, how could you possibly be in a worse situation than you are now?
All the best. Thank you for the update.

This sums up my thoughts too.

Pray for strength and meditate on yourself being a strong person and meditate on your goal.

 

[Deltadeliquent]

“Sometimes you have to destroy the life you have to have the life that’s waiting for you…”

I know about not being able to leave, even when you know it’s the best thing.

I once was in a similar place as you in regards to leave or stay…(actually I am again, but for very different reasons.)
Anyway, my counsellor asked me once, whether the life I had would be good enough for my daughter. If she was in my position, what would I say to her?

“If its not good enough for your daughter, why in the world is it good enough for you?”

That therapist earned her fee that day.

Good luck.

 

[mega1]

I understand. But I guess sometimes I think that this is more my fault than his.
Or that I’m unfairly punishing him for our problems.

I don’t think he’s an awful person. And I think many times that he asked me to take the credit hit alone so that we would be able to at least have one source of credit for house and cars. And I’ve seen that work to our benefit.

Although there is a part of me that thinks he should have offered to work second/third jobs to prevent us from bankruptcy.

We haven’t had a good sex life for long time but I realize sex is last on my priority lost.

I just worry that I’m leaving something that isn’t as bad as it could be…

Maybe as my mom says… This is my cross to bear?