I need ADVICE! Badly!

[EasterJoy]

Here’s the issue with fighting for the marriage…I have done this for years and years. I get him to get “on board” and I end up back in the same cycle. Yes, he conforms …kicking and screaming…and then we get to a point where we are “ok”…but it starts again…not long after.

I just don’t think it’s healthy for me to go through that yet again. It’s the definition of insanity…doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

I think I need to fight for MYSELF and learn how to be stronger in my own skin…and allow myself to grow.

That’s easier said that done, though.

Oh, man…and you have a great dog, except that it bites…that’s you, too? I can see why the dog problem has been on the back burner.

Hang in there! :grouphug:

 

[mega1]

I can’t make this stuff up…

He asked me tonight if we could go away to a resort this weekend…The room is 300.00 a night…

SURE!!! PERFECT!!!

I guess…he just doesn’t get it…

 

[judynurse]

Don’t go! Tell him there’s not enough money & take that $300+ and put it in a different bank in your name only. It’ll give you a start & make you feel that you’ve taken some positive action. By the way, for the cost of the weekend, he can buy a cheap lawnmower and a small gas container and mow the lawn for the next couple of weeks. Instead, go to Mass this weekend, and invite him to go with you and your son!

 

[EasterJoy]

I can’t make this stuff up…

He asked me tonight if we could go away to a resort this weekend…The room is 300.00 a night…

SURE!!! PERFECT!!!

I guess…he just doesn’t get it…

Let me guess:* Well, I tried to help us work things out, didn’t I? You were the one who wouldn’t*…

That was a no-win situation, because nobody capable of getting a job that requires thinking could fail to see that the resort was out of the question for someone going through a bankruptcy (!!!) except by brute force of will.

 

[mega1]

I just blew it off…for the most part. I just told him I thought it was going to rain. After my therapy session today…I didn’t have the energy to fight with him. Or take the negative energy that would no doubt ensue…

Something I have also thought a lot about…(in therapy too)…is why our s*x life has been so poor…for so long. It wasn’t always “bad”…it was never “great”… And for some reason it is ALL I can think about when I see other people. I think …it’s a sign.

Something that I mentioned in therapy…my husband is goofy…and he would do odd things years ago (and still)…that totally turned me off. He would run around prancing like a woman…and sing “santa baby”…like Marilyn Monroe…and acted like a woman. He …gave off a very gay vibe.

He no longer really suggests anything from me…and like I mentioned before…I feel bad that I haven’t tried…but …don’t you think …if he REALLY wanted s*x…he would sit down and talk to me about it? He never has in the past…but over and over again…I’ve requested that he open that line of communication…but he hasn’t.

 

[mega1]

Yeah his negative spiral has begun… Probably because I haven’t jumped at the idea of going away to a resort this weekend. I spilled wine last night on the carpet last night while he was asleep. He is bent out of shape that it didn’t come fully clean. And my son got up coughing and I got up at 3 am and got him medicine… And tried to lay with him to go back to sleep. DH wants to know why I didn’t immediately come back to bed?
The coldness… Begins.

 

[MJJean]

Let him be cold. So what? Doesn’t sound like there is much of a marriage anyways. Stand your ground on issues relating to spending and ignore his passive-aggressive temper tantrums. His “coldness” is merely manipulation because he knows it’s worked in the past, so he’s trying it now in hopes it will still work.

If you aren’t sure you want to divorce and there is a chance the marriage could be saved, at least get legally separated and separate finances until you either decide to divorce or are in a much better position mentally to handle your husband.

I don’t mean to be unkind because I really do feel for you, but the reality is that you are as much of a problem as your husband is because you keep allowing these things to happen and don’t take action to prevent or halt whatever foolishness is going on. And I think you know that. So, if you want to try to preserve the marriage you’re going to have to work on strengthening your backbone and standing firm. If you don’t want to preserve the marriage, same thing. Either way, work on you!

 

[mega1]

You aren’t unkind… You are right! I allowed a lot of this. Some with good intention (trying to delegate) other stuff… With just trying to please.

I will admit that I think I need a husband or teammate who well help me do budgeting and get back on track. It’s hard to do this alone.

The other problem is that I have a very high profile job… And my clothing, hair and make up… Matter. My employer even brings in consultants for this particular issue. So I can’t bank as much money as some… I have started to use eBay for designer clothes to cut spending. (I just got a DVF dress NEW on eBay for 80 bucks!). So I’m learning. But I think in the perfect world I need a guy who has strong command of finances etc.

 

[Xantippe]

Yes to what MJJean said.

Be kind, but keep on doing the right thing. Think about yourself 5 years from now–what does that you want you to do now?

 

[Xantippe]

mega1 said:

“I will admit that I think I need a husband or teammate who well help me do budgeting and get back on track. It’s hard to do this alone.”

Actually, it’s easy to do alone. It’s really, really hard/impossible to do with a spouse who is not on board.

As I’ve said a number of times, do Financial Peace University with your husband.

“The other problem is that I have a very high profile job… And my clothing, hair and make up… Matter. My employer even brings in consultants for this particular issue. So I can’t bank as much money as some… I have started to use eBay for designer clothes to cut spending. (I just got a DVF dress NEW on eBay for 80 bucks!). So I’m learning.”

That’s good.

I can see that your situation would be a problem–there would be a very natural tendency for all of your household expenses to float to the same high level as your clothing/hair/makeup expenses. I suppose a car is probably part of this professional image as well? It may seem very unfair to your husband that you get to spend big bucks on your professional image while he’s supposed to drive a clunker and wear bargain rack clothes.

That said, the more high profile your job is, the less sense it made for you to go into bankruptcy, as your reputation is immensely valuable to your family. Ditto “making phonecalls” for your husband on stuff that you don’t know that he will follow through on. As Shakespeare wrote:

Good name in man and woman, dear my lord,
Is the immediate jewel of their souls.
Who steals my purse steals trash; 'tis something, nothing;
'Twas mine, 'tis his, and has been slave to thousands;
But he that filches from me my good name
Robs me of that which not enriches him,
And makes me poor indeed.

 

[Serap]

Why don’t you work your job and leave him to his own devices regarding his business-- in other words start saying “no” to his demands.

My thoughts exactly. Let his business sink and he would enjoy being a stay at home dad.

 

[Serap]

Thank you all for this advice and insight. I truly appreciate it.

A couple of things. The bankruptcy has already been filed…and now it’s just a natter of which chapter the trustee will allow. It’s now being pushed into a chapter 13…instead of a chapter 7 - like my husband pushed for…It is the result of a clerical error in my attorneys paperwork …which caused them to take a second look at my finances. He was so upset, he suggested I sue the attorney…I thought…with WHAT MONEY?!?

No one is really spending much money now…but, he’s not really working. He takes on jobs when they come to him (thanks to me)…but he wanted to hire a part time nanny …IN CASE he had work to go to. Obviously, I said no.

He won’t do marriage counseling again. We did talk to a priest…and he really brushed my concerns off. He told me that I needed to have more sex with my husband and that would help us substantially. He would NOT address the money or bankruptcy.

My husband keeps saying “ive been to your MC and the priest…” it is what it is…

So…I am truly stuck.

He is very nice about making dinners and doing laundry…which makes it hard to be forceful…he’s helping around the house. But, he’s now mr. Mom. We don’t need that…we need $$$$.

I don’t see the harm in having a little less money and letting him be a SAHD. He is helpful around the house and a good father. Isn’t that enough? I would be delighted with that situation personally.

 

[Serap]

Don’t go! Tell him there’s not enough money & take that $300+ and put it in a different bank in your name only. It’ll give you a start & make you feel that you’ve taken some positive action. By the way, for the cost of the weekend, he can buy a cheap lawnmower and a small gas container and mow the lawn for the next couple of weeks. Instead, go to Mass this weekend, and invite him to go with you and your son!

 

[Serap]

I finally read all the posts and honestly, I think EasterJoy has given you excellent advice all through this thread.

Good luck! Manipulation can be so deceitful.

 

[agnes_therese]

I think it’s time to figure out what is happening to your money. Set aside some time to have a good look at your credit card statements and bank records. Are there any odd purchases? Any large cash withdrawals that you can’t account for? You make a lot of money–where is it going? It may just be just disorganization, or there may be some large, unauthorized drains on your finances that you are unaware of. Also, check your credit report for any unauthorized charge accounts.

I may be being unfair to your husband, but this is a possibility that has to be looked into.

Great advice. You really need to be sure you know where the money going. You don’t have to let him know you’re doing it, I’m sure that would set him off on a whole new round of drama.

 

[EasterJoy]

Great advice. You really need to be sure you know where the money going. You don’t have to let him know you’re doing it, I’m sure that would set him off on a whole new round of drama.

It will be no mystery why she now wants far more specific information on their day-to-day money situation than she had in the past. They’re going through a bankruptcy, and he’s convinced her to put it on her credit record alone. Based on that course of action, which came from him, of course she deserves to know where every penny they has come from, is now, and will be going in the future, before it is spent.

If he can manipulate what she will or will not dare do by playing the “drama” card, then she’s cooked. Her task is to decide which specific actions will suit the goals necessary for the family based on how to do what she needs to do without supporting or inviting a drama, yes, but not with drama avoidance as a major priority. If he’s set on putting on a production, she can’t let that get in the way of the things their family need to have done or prevented.

I’d really suggest Beattie’s “Co-Dependent No More” on that front. The author is both a co-dependent and an alcoholic. The realization of how drama is used by toxic members of toxic families was one of the most useful revelations of her life. (She is a big believer in 12 Steps, but I didn’t concern myself with that. She does not make it difficult for the reader to take what helps and pass over what does not apply.)

 

[Xantippe]

EasterJoy said:

“Based on that course of action, which came from him, of course she deserves to know where every penny they has come from, is now, and will be going in the future, before it is spent.”

For one thing, this is almost certainly going to come up in very painful detail during the bankruptcy process, so the OP might as well know the worst now.

 

[MJJean]

EasterJoy said:

“Based on that course of action, which came from him, of course she deserves to know where every penny they has come from, is now, and will be going in the future, before it is spent.”

For one thing, this is almost certainly going to come up in very painful detail during the bankruptcy process, so the OP might as well know the worst now.

True! The court will want an accounting of all income and all household expenses. In detail. If I understand the type of bankruptcy the OP is going through and if it is the same as in my state, the court will basically set an amount to be paid monthly toward past debts based on income and necessary living expenses. Necessary living expenses will be exactly that. They won’t take into account any luxuries at all. Might as well go over everything with a critical eye because the court sure will.

Bankruptcy could have been entirely avoided by closing accounts to stop spending and to stop interest from accruing, making payment arrangements, and living within a budget that allows for bill payment and paying down past debt. Which is basically what the court is going to do only with a huge blemish on the OP’s credit report.

 

[mega1]

Well it’s why he’s so upset that the chapt 7 didn’t go through and he wants it dismissed instead of doing a chapter 13. I don’t know how I could survive professionaly (hair clothes) w the court ordered level of expenses.

He is panicked because things would drastically change. (no 300 a night resorts).

This is why I feel intense pressure to pay it all back and avoid the actual re filing, but of course the fact that I filed already destroyed my credit. My husbands answer is to just close accounts. Lease forever so we have no real property to garnish and hide all cash to avoid it being payed off.

 

[MJJean]

You aren’t unkind… You are right! I allowed a lot of this. Some with good intention (trying to delegate) other stuff… With just trying to please.

I will admit that I think I need a husband or teammate who well help me do budgeting and get back on track. It’s hard to do this alone.

The other problem is that I have a very high profile job… And my clothing, hair and make up… Matter. My employer even brings in consultants for this particular issue. So I can’t bank as much money as some… I have started to use eBay for designer clothes to cut spending. (I just got a DVF dress NEW on eBay for 80 bucks!). So I’m learning. But I think in the perfect world I need a guy who has strong command of finances etc.

Do you think your hair and clothing has been a too big expense? If so, try buying classic cuts and colors. You can mix and match them and they never go out of style. Then you can buy a few extra’s or accessories (and I mean FEW) that are in for the season.

And of course keep checking online and check local resale shops. You’d be amazed at the very nice women’s business clothing I have found at the Salvation Army new or in such good condition it might as well be new for a steal. Literally $10-$30 dollars.

My personal philosophy is that clothes are used the first time they are worn, so why pay more than you need to? I buy most of my families clothes either online or in resale shops. Trust me, you’d never now it to look at us. I think the total for school uniforms, winter clothing, and some church clothes cost us a total of $300 and that’s for a family of 4! You just go hunting and buy a few things at this shop, a few things at that shop until you have everything you need. It does take some time, but you can always go for a couple hours here and there and the savings is well worth it.

Craigslist is also great for household items and furniture. Most of my house came from CL, lol. For example, I found a living room furniture set that was owned by a single lady and barely used. It was a year old. My favorite color and style, too. She was moving and didn’t want to haul it with her. I bought it for $400 and an additional $50 to my brother and his friend for gas and pizza to move it I had to check the furniture section a few times a day, but it was worth it.