I need advice

[Delphinus85]

I seem to be asking advice a lot on here…

Basically there are two things that are really making me scratch my head. Here they are:

1. I recently got (finally!) a really good job. It’s enough money to give us a shot at getting out of debt, and it’s one of the best jobs you can imagine. Good pay, a FANTASTIC boss, and I wake up in the morning (right after I get over being upset about waking up early) I look FORWARD to going to work. However, it is in construction, and my company hands out free calendars to our customers with our information on it for advertising. These are a hit with the guys, especially the biker babes and topless girls. They aren’t in plain view and we only give them out maybe 3 months a year. I am just wondering from a moral standpoint what I should do if a customer comes in and asks for one and I’m the only one in the office? Should I give it to them? What would you do?
2. Part of the reason for the new job is that I had to move to a brand new area far far away from everything I knew. This means friends. I don’t hear from them much, but I do have one friend who is on IM all the time. We were friends through high school, and we were always very close. Matter of fact for one summer, we were really close, with him stating he loved me, and by the time I felt ready to tell him the same, he dumped me because I was…as he said “VERY unattractive”. Needless to say everything ended. We didn’t talk for more than a year, but when I met my husband, I was ready to forgive him, and we went right back to being friends as if nothing happened (after a long talk). My then boyfriend was okay with it. We got engaged, got married, and I always knew he felt jealous, but jus trecently I finally got out of him that he is REALLY jealous, and even confessed he’d feel better if we didn’t talk at all, but he know how horrendously alone I am since i moved away from everyone I knew to be with him. The problem is, this guy is a good friend. He really helps when I am feeling lonely (we talk about movies, books, comics, art, stuff like that, nothing personal, usually) so I am not too willing to cut off this friendship, and my husband feels really bad for feeling that way. What do I do? I’ve already lost so many friends from moving, and friends who have made really bad choices in life and cut me out of them. I lov emy husband to death, but I feel like I m having to give up all my friends for him. My husband never presses the issue, but he does remind me from time to time how uncomfortable he feels.

Any advice is appreciated, but please be kind

 

[1ke]

. I am just wondering from a moral standpoint what I should do if a customer comes in and asks for one and I’m the only one in the office? Should I give it to them? What would you do?

Wow, has this construction company never heard of sexual harrassment lawsuits? Good grief.

Morally, you should not have anything to do with nudie calendars, and I’d go straight into HR and tell them that these calendars are offensive. But, that’s me. At a minimum, you can simply say “I’m sorry, I can’t help you with that” if anyone comes in asking for a calendar. And, keep in mind, under sexual harrassment laws, a *customer can be a harrasser, so if they give you crp about refusing to have anything to do with the calendars, I’d say you need to have a chat with HR.

.What do I do? I’ve already lost so many friends from moving, and friends who have made really bad choices in life and cut me out of them. I lov emy husband to death, but I feel like I m having to give up all my friends for him. My husband never presses the issue, but he does remind me from time to time how uncomfortable he feels.

Find some female friends in your new city, and cool off this other friendship. It is inappropriate to have this emotional attachment to this other man, which is really what you have here. It will also continue to make it difficult to find new friends if you continue looking back at your old life, your old friends, and spending emotional energy on this other man.

I know all about moving away from everyone and everything, because that’s exactly what I did when I married DH. You made the choice, as did I, and that means forsaking ALL others. You are hanging on to this other friendship at the expense of your husband.

 

[stayathomemommy]

Sorry this may not be what you want to hear but all those great talks and support you get from your friend is what you should be experiencing with your spouse. I would say depend more on your husband for frienship/companionship and also try and get out there and meet some good girl friends. Maybe join a church group or sign up for a cake decorating class? I dont know what you are into but whatever it is try and find a way to get involved in you new community. As far as your friend goes, nothing is wrong with keeping in touch once in awhile but he shouldnt be someone you run to when you are upset or need support. If you can’t help it maybe you should just brake ties with him.

I did the same thing and moved away from friends and family. My husband was in the military and so made friends instantly, i found throwing parties so i could get to know his friends and their wives helped me find some wonderful friends. I was also lucky enough to be a mother at the time and joined a MOMS Club right away which has been the best way to meet friends. Its hard and takes a lot longer to create friendships when we are older. I know for me it came as a shock because it was always so easy in school to make friends and find people you had things in common with. Out in the “world” its a lot harder but that is why God gave us our husbands to fill that void.

 

[whatevergirl]

1. Part of the reason for the new job is that I had to move to a brand new area far far away from everything I knew. This means friends. I don’t hear from them much, but I do have one friend who is on IM all the time. We were friends through high school, and we were always very close. Matter of fact for one summer, we were really close, with him stating he loved me, and by the time I felt ready to tell him the same, he dumped me because I was…as he said “VERY unattractive”. Needless to say everything ended. We didn’t talk for more than a year, but when I met my husband, I was ready to forgive him, and we went right back to being friends as if nothing happened (after a long talk). My then boyfriend was okay with it. We got engaged, got married, and I always knew he felt jealous, but jus trecently I finally got out of him that he is REALLY jealous, and even confessed he’d feel better if we didn’t talk at all, but he know how horrendously alone I am since i moved away from everyone I knew to be with him. The problem is, this guy is a good friend. He really helps when I am feeling lonely (we talk about movies, books, comics, art, stuff like that, nothing personal, usually) so I am not too willing to cut off this friendship, and my husband feels really bad for feeling that way. What do I do? I’ve already lost so many friends from moving, and friends who have made really bad choices in life and cut me out of them. I lov emy husband to death, but I feel like I m having to give up all my friends for him. My husband never presses the issue, but he does remind me from time to time how uncomfortable he feels.

Any advice is appreciated, but please be kind

Hi Delphinus;

For now, I’ll only address #2…I will say this…suppose the roles were reversed, and your husband wanted to have a female friend from high school, who once professed her love for him? You most likely would not like it, and it would hurt you. When we’re married, those opposite sex relationships from our pasts, need to remain in the past. I’m not a jealous type, but I would feel hurt if my husband felt the need to hang out with a woman from high school/college/etc days–for really any reason. It would be good to make some female friends…and/or friends with other couples, for both your husband and you to enjoy. Remember…if you would not like it if it were happening to you–then, that is your answer to having a ‘friendship’ with another man from your past. I think it will leave you feeling lasting peace if you make that decision, because nothing good can come of having a friendship with man that causes your husband to feel badly. I know you don’t want to make your husband feel uncomfortable or badly…so, hopefully–my advice helps a little.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

We got engaged, got married, and** I always knew he felt jealous**, but just recently I finally got out of him that he is REALLY jealous, and even confessed he’d feel better if we didn’t talk at all, but he know how horrendously alone I am since i moved away from everyone I knew to be with him.

I love my husband to death, but I feel like I am having to give up all my friends for him. **My husband never presses the issue, but he does remind me from time to time how uncomfortable he feels. **

**
I bolded the parts that really struck me in your post. Your husband loves you. He is trying to be compassionate towards you. He is not insisting that you give up this friendship, he is asking** that you do it **out of love. He is hurting.

Some men who feel that jealous would be saying some pretty harsh things and trying to “make” you give up the friendship. He is not. That speaks VOLUMES. It is time for you to be just as loving towards him and put his feelings above your own. In his eyes I think it would mean the world for you to do something that he has lovingly requested of you so he no longer has to feel jealous and hurt.

I think after the initial break you will find yourself feeling better about it all too.

Malia**

 

[whatevergirl]

**
I bolded the parts that really struck me in your post. Your husband loves you. He is trying to be compassionate towards you. He is not insisting that you give up this friendship, he is asking** that you do it **out of love. He is hurting.

Some men who feel that jealous would be saying some pretty harsh things and trying to “make” you give up the friendship. He is not. That speaks VOLUMES. It is time for you to be just as loving towards him and put his feelings above your own. In his eyes I think it would mean the world for you to do something that he has lovingly requested of you so he no longer has to feel jealous and hurt.

I think after the initial break you will find yourself feeling better about it all too.

Malia**

That is so beautiful, Malia…so well stated.

 

[Delphinus85]

Sorry this may not be what you want to hear but all those great talks and support you get from your friend is what you should be experiencing with your spouse. I would say depend more on your husband for frienship/companionship and also try and get out there and meet some good girl friends. Maybe join a church group or sign up for a cake decorating class? I dont know what you are into but whatever it is try and find a way to get involved in you new community. As far as your friend goes, nothing is wrong with keeping in touch once in awhile but he shouldnt be someone you run to when you are upset or need support. If you can’t help it maybe you should just brake ties with him.

I did the same thing and moved away from friends and family. My husband was in the military and so made friends instantly, i found throwing parties so i could get to know his friends and their wives helped me find some wonderful friends. I was also lucky enough to be a mother at the time and joined a MOMS Club right away which has been the best way to meet friends. Its hard and takes a lot longer to create friendships when we are older. I know for me it came as a shock because it was always so easy in school to make friends and find people you had things in common with. Out in the “world” its a lot harder but that is why God gave us our husbands to fill that void.

Actually this is part of the problem. There are no people our age in our church. It’s all 40+ and families. We don’t have kids. Now here is the kicker. My hobbies include: Anime, video games, anime art, japanese culture, action films, anime conventions…you get the idea. I made one friend, but she just left for Japan.

My husband feels like with him i don’t need friends. the thing is…I really feel like I do. I can’t…I can’t keep going at this alone. My friends have always been men, and he has no problems with my other male friends, just this one. I feel so…well…lost in all this.

 

[whatevergirl]

Actually this is part of the problem. There are no people our age in our church. It’s all 40+ and families. We don’t have kids. Now here is the kicker. My hobbies include: Anime, video games, anime art, japanese culture, action films, anime conventions…you get the idea. I made one friend, but she just left for Japan.

My husband feels like with him i don’t need friends. the thing is…I really feel like I do. I can’t…I can’t keep going at this alone. My friends have always been men, and he has no problems with my other male friends, just this one. I feel so…well…lost in all this.

It might be because of the past capacity that you were once in with this man…like he professed his love for you at one point etc…I know it can be hard–but maybe join a gym…or join a women’s group or something? Do you have anything like this in your parish? (what is anime by the way? )

 

[Delphinus85]

Okay guys. I really see your point. I just…how do I tell this friend of 7 years that I can’t talk to him anymore? It’s gunna hurt him. What am I gunna do? Am I just destined to never talk to anymore but my husband? Even if I wanted to meet some female friends, they certainly won’t be catholic (see above post…no females our age in our whole parish). I can’t lie this is beyond harder than I thought it would be. And the fact that I am so unbearably lonely is making things hard for both of us.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

** My husband feels like with him i don’t need friends**. the thing is…I really feel like I do. I can’t…I can’t keep going at this alone. My friends have always been men, and he has no problems with my other male friends, just this one. I feel so…well…lost in all this.

**You are contradicting yourself. Either your husband really feels like you don’t need other friends outside of him OR he just feels very uncomfortable with this one particular friend.

Sounds like you are putting hobbies and interests above your husband’s feelings. I think he wants to feel as close with you as you feel with this other man. That has GOT to hurt. Can you at least admit that? I pray that you can both grow closer together and that with much prayer and God’s help you can see that you need to put your husband above ALL else in this world as you two really did become ONE on that special day.

Malia**

 

[Delphinus85]

It might be because of the past capacity that you were once in with this man…like he professed his love for you at one point etc…I know it can be hard–but maybe join a gym…or join a women’s group or something? Do you have anything like this in your parish? (what is anime by the way? )

I am already ina gym. Again, the women who are my age that i see there i never see again, and they are only there when college is out. (hah) or they are all moms. As I am not a mother, this makes a good friendship hard since we can’t relate on hardly anything.

Anime is Japanese animated stories, based off the drawn cartoons called “manga.” Typically you find men are the ones who enjoy it. Rarely women. Again, I am joining groups at the church. it’s all teenage girls in high school or adult women with children. I don’t feel so alone in that I haven’t made any friends. I feel alone because I feel like the only 20 something woman with no children in our small town.

 

[whatevergirl]

Okay guys. I really see your point. I just…how do I tell this friend of 7 years that I can’t talk to him anymore? It’s gunna hurt him. What am I gunna do? Am I just destined to never talk to anymore but my husband? Even if I wanted to meet some female friends, they certainly won’t be catholic (see above post…no females our age in our whole parish). I can’t lie this is beyond harder than I thought it would be. And the fact that I am so unbearably lonely is making things hard for both of us.

Oh yes–It is very imporant to have friends…to have one’s social circle…not everything has to be done together. My husband --when we were in PA–got in touch with old high school/college buddies, and would go out for a beer now and then…to a hockey game…etc…and I had girlfriends that I would meet up with for dinner, movies…etc…I am a firm believer of having one’s own friends, and hobbies – but the majority of one’s time should be spent on and in one’s marriage. But, having friendships is important…it is somewhat unhealthy to not have any friends at all, as that is the other extreme. I think that given time, things will work out…I will keep you in my prayers. I can see this is weighing on you–and I have hope that things will get better on this front.

 

[whatevergirl]

I am already ina gym. Again, the women who are my age that i see there i never see again, and they are only there when college is out. (hah) or they are all moms. As I am not a mother, this makes a good friendship hard since we can’t relate on hardly anything.

Anime is Japanese animated stories, based off the drawn cartoons called “manga.” Typically you find men are the ones who enjoy it. Rarely women. Again, I am joining groups at the church. it’s all teenage girls in high school or adult women with children. I don’t feel so alone in that I haven’t made any friends. I feel alone because I feel like the only 20 something woman with no children in our small town.

Oh ok–I see (regarding anime) Have you ever seen the avatar? My kids LOVE that show…it’s very different from other cartoons.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

Okay guys. I really see your point. I just…how do I tell this friend of 7 years that I can’t talk to him anymore? It’s gunna hurt him.

You have two options
**

1. continue to hurt your husband, the man you have pledged your love and life to until death do you part
2. hurt the man you are not married to **

What am I gunna do? Am I just destined to never talk to anymore but my husband?

**you stated above that he doesn’t have a problem with your other male friends. And maybe you need to put all of your focus on your husbands for now and forget about friends. There will be plenty of time for that. **

Even if I wanted to meet some female friends, they certainly won’t be catholic (see above post…no females our age in our whole parish).
**
That sounds just a touch dramatic. There are lots of ways to meet good friends… and even if they are not in your parish you may even find a woman or two who is Catholic…**

I can’t lie this is beyond harder than I thought it would be. And the fact that I am so unbearably lonely is making things hard for both of us.
**
I wonder how your husband feels. You think he feels lonely when his wife is having such emotional agony about giving up a friendship with another man and is putting his own feelings on the back burner?**

 

[Delphinus85]

**You are contradicting yourself. Either your husband really feels like you don’t need other friends outside of him OR he just feels very uncomfortable with this one particular friend.

Sounds like you are putting hobbies and interests above your husband’s feelings. I think he wants to feel as close with you as you feel with this other man. That has GOT to hurt. Can you at least admit that? I pray that you can both grow closer together and that with much prayer and God’s help you can see that you need to put your husband above ALL else in this world as you two really did become ONE on that special day.

Malia**

huh? no! It’s just this one friend, sorrry I thought I said that. He feels agitated as well because I feel lonely, and he wishes he could be the only one I need. Well this is true, he is the only one I need for the rest of my life. But…well he has his social circle and friends. I don’t. He gets to go out with the guys while I sit home and play video games, or even worse, I watch “Friends” and feel like those 3 girls are the best friends I have anymore. Please don’t be so mean either. This isn’t easy for me, and I do put him first. He’s not being so clear himself. I ask him if he wants me to never talk to him again and he says no. I have been trying to get them to meet because I know they’d be great friends. And also it’s not so much that I have some horrible attachment to this other guy. He’s just a good friend, and I have already lost so many friends through all of this, and now I know the only way to make him truly happy is to give up the only one I can really talk to anymore. Plus he knows if I give up this friend, I’ll just get worse which will make him feel worse.

So please, don’t keep calling me selfish. I’m really not. I would give up this guy for him, but…I don’t know how to break it to this other guy. Especially since he’s done nothing wrong. The man came to our wedding for heaven’s sake.

 

[1ke]

Okay guys. I really see your point. I just…how do I tell this friend of 7 years that I can’t talk to him anymore? It’s gunna hurt him. What am I gunna do?

You dial it back naturally and stay away from the emotional/support conversations. No one, including your husband, has said to cut all contact. An IM or email once in a while is fine-- how’s the weather, did you see that movie, how’s work… keep it at an acquaintance level. A Christmas card, fine. Remember-- he too is getting some type of emotional fix by this relationship or he wouldn’t be spending so much time and energy on it. You need to wean him off this emotional connection with you just as you need to wean yourself off of it.

Everyday, or all day, IM should be discontinued. So, get very busy at work, stop turning on IM at work or home.

If dialing it back in this way does not work, then yes you will have to tell him that you started relying on him for emotional support that should be exclusive to your husband and you need to make a change to your relationship. In your loneliness you crossed some boundaries you should not have.

Am I just destined to never talk to anymore but my husband?

Of course not.

Even if I wanted to meet some female friends, they certainly won’t be catholic (see above post…no females our age in our whole parish). I can’t lie this is beyond harder than I thought it would be. And the fact that I am so unbearably lonely is making things hard for both of us.

It seems you really don’t want to meet any female friends. It’s a matter of **making **it happen. Your signature states you live in Seattle-- that’s a pretty big, multicultural, happenin’ city. Surely you can find one thing of interest, one restaurant to invite some women to lunch, one person to make a connection with.

All of your hobbies are male oriented. It is time to get some new hobbies and interests that are female/wife/family oriented. You are not a college student anymore. You’re a married woman now, and sitting at home playing video games is probably not going to be the way to make friends in your new community.

Get involved even if you don’t think you have much in common. All the women my age have kids in junior high, high school and college. I have no children. But, that doesn’t stop me from teachign CCD, making friends with them, inviting them and their husbands to do things with me and my husband. I live in a town of 300 people, surely you can do it in a city as large as Seattle metro.

Volunteer for something that is meaningful for you-- soup kitchen, crisis pregnancy center, CCD, whatever. You will meet people with the same passion and THAT will create a friendship-- it doesn’t matter if they are 10 years younger or older.

 

[chevalier]

I’m sorry I can’t go into more detail at this time (I’m runninnnnn’…), but perhaps you can ask HR/boss until they promise you won’t have to have anything to do with those calendars and any other such material. You can tell them it makes you feel uncomfortable because you’re a woman yourself and handing out pictures of topless women would make you feel vulnerable and exposed to objectification yourself, or that you oppose raunchy pictures on moral grounds and they make you feel worse than it’s worth it, and given that you believe they value you as an employee, you think it wouldn’t be too much to ask for. Also, as a minimum programme, you could suggest they switch at least to bikini girls so as to avoid problems with customers’ wives and children or such. After all, too much smut will harm their image and make them look like less of a serious company than they’d like to be.

 

[Delphinus85]

After reading your posts, I wanna clear something up. Our conversations are acquaintence level. And have that bond has been a help to me. We talk about video games and such. Secondly, I live over an hour from seattle now in a very very small town.

At any rate, my hobbies are just fine, thank you. I don’t have to change to make someone happy. And this doesn’t come from me. This is my husband. After he caught me suddenly getting offline and crying, I told him what was going on. Everything. I showed him the thread, and he told me he’d be far happier if I left the forums than if I stopped talking to this guy, because of the comments that have been made to me both here and elsewhere here. Especially when someone said people said my hobbies aren’t fitting of a married woman. He actually got pretty upset a that one because he was looking for a woman with such hobbies and interests, and doesn’t want that to change. He said I am free to love this stuff because he does, and that is part of the special bond that we do have.

I’m going to be logging out now, and not coming back. My husband is beyond agitated, and this is something I can do for him. Adios.

 

[1ke]

After reading your posts, I wanna clear something up. Our conversations are acquaintence level. And have that bond has been a help to me. We talk about video games and such. Secondly, I live over an hour from seattle now in a very very small town.

You and he are both getting something emotional out of this. If you don’t want to discontinue it, then don’t. But you asked for our opinion and as wives we gave you our opinion that it is an inappropriate emotional bond with a man who is not your husband.

At any rate, my hobbies are just fine, thank you. I don’t have to change to make someone happy. And this doesn’t come from me. This is my husband. After he caught me suddenly getting offline and crying, I told him what was going on. Everything. I showed him the thread, and he told me he’d be far happier if I left the forums than if I stopped talking to this guy, because of the comments that have been made to me both here and elsewhere here.

That is your perogative. Just the other day you stated how great your marriage was in all areas, and today you are stating how hurt your husband is by the relationship with this other guy. And now you are stating that he doesn’t care if you talk with this other guy.

We try to give you the advice, comments, and opinions you ask for and then you spend the rest of the thread telling everyone why their opinions and comments are not valid and how things are not that way with you, etc. Why do you ask if you aren’t ready to make any changes?

Especially when someone said people said my hobbies aren’t fitting of a married woman. He actually got pretty upset a that one because he was looking for a woman with such hobbies and interests, and doesn’t want that to change. He said I am free to love this stuff because he does, and that is part of the special bond that we do have.

That is a complete misrepresentation of what was said. I said it was time to get some **new **hobbies-- I did not state that you should abandon your old ones. You are not likely to find women who are interested in these things. **Broadening **your interests will help you gain new friends. You certainly can still continue with things you love, especially with your husband.

Additionally, you stated you spend lots of time sitting at home playing video games. And, I replied this is not likely to help you find friends. You have to get out there and make it happen.

I’m going to be logging out now, and not coming back. My husband is beyond agitated, and this is something I can do for him. Adios.

Yes, perhaps that is best. You seem overly sensitive to ANY comments and as I said, spend all your time trying to invalidate what others say to you.

 

[Sina]

Just in respect to the first part, yuck! I would feel super duper uncomfortable with those calendars around. What does this show for your company’s view of women? Even if I wasn’t Catholic, just from a feminist perspective I would be offended! I don’t know what the solution is as I am sure you really don’t want to rock the boat and you think your job is great, but I liked Ike’s idea to speak with HR.

How many other women work in the company?