I need help! Wife issues

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That’s a tough spot my friend. Worst case is that she is flirting with an extramarital affair, at best, based on the fact that she found in necessary to hide the man’s name, there are issues of trust and truth. In either case I would recommed the Retrovaille program. My wife and I are going through it and it can open up lines of communication and heal old wounds. God bless you both.
 
She didn’t know about the follow-up weekends. I’m trying to tell her that if you have an operation that requires physical therapy you don’t skip the physical therapy.
 
hurthusband said:
My wife texted me that “I’m really not wanting to go”. What do I do now???
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I am sorry she is doing this. It doesn’t sound like someone that wants to work on her marriage, but maybe she is just afraid of what it will bring out. But I thought she said she wanted to work things out.

I am sorry, but it seems like you are the one willing to do all the work here.

I would tell her that she should really go whether she “really wants to go” or not. Tell her you didn’t want her doing what she did, but she did it. It is the only respectful thing for her to do considering that YOU are the injured party here, not her.
 
hurthusband said:
She didn’t know about the follow-up weekends. I’m trying to tell her that if you have an operation that requires physical therapy you don’t skip the physical therapy.
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The follow-up sessions are important, but I’d get her to the weekend as a first step. Maybe on the weekend you can discuss how important you feel the follow-up sessions are, and they might stress it too. Or compromise and tell her that if she goes to the first two/three, then if she really hates it she doesn’t have to keep going.

As they used to say in grad school, don’t make perfect the enemy of good.
 
I’m leaving for the weekend. Just going to get away and reflect for a while. Be back later. Thanks to everyone for your support.
 
hurthusband said:
She didn’t know about the follow-up weekends. I’m trying to tell her that if you have an operation that requires physical therapy you don’t skip the physical therapy.
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I am in a similiar situation Hurt. I’ve asked my wife for several years to attend Retrovaille with me. We have not attended, she too balks at the follow-up weekends and that committment. The only thing I can wrap my brain around why she doesn’t want to attend is because she may have something she doesn’t want to expose…either to me but most likely to herself.

If I can offer any advice is be patient. Don’t go into “fix it at all costs” mode like I did. I basically smothered my wife with ways to fix our marriage which in turned caused her to pull away more. I had to dial it back…wwwwwaaaaaayyyyy back. (I have your typical Type A personality and came at her with a tsunami of corrections)

I discovered the good Lord had a lesson for me in all of it, trusting in Him more. The sin of Pride is one I deal with on a daily basis. I need to constantly tell myself that God controls it all and I have to submit to His will. I’m always trying to find that balance of submitting to His will and what I need to do to be a good husband and father.

My recommendation of prayer remains constant. Be at peace in prayer. Calm your mind and sit with the Lord. Place yourself with Him somewhere beautiful in imagery. He will guide you in what you need to do.

You and your wife are in my prayers.
 
hurthusband said:
Good stuff from everyone!! FYI - I just got off the phone with a guy from Retrouvaille. We are going March 15-17. I feel really good about going. We talked for 30 minutes about the program. Can’t wait.
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That’s my birthday! Good for you! I will be praying for you and DW during your special weekend!
 
In my opinion albeit not knowing you both, I would take consolation in the fact that while your wife has been sending and receiving thousands of text messages, she has had little time for anything else (ease your heart and mind)!

My suggestion is to inform your wife that if she wishes to keep your marriage, it is best to refrain from correspondence with this man, until you have both spent quality time together and done the RCIA and/or external counselling. There may be a need in her, stemming from her own Childhood, that has not been met within your marriage (ie nothing at all to do with you as a Husband).

Your Wife may have wanted or needed more conversations on certain issues (mild) to wanting more intellectual stimulation on the depression topic, in which this bloke had the experience and knowledge. That could have been a woman (so the gender may be quite irrelevant).

Having stated this, your Wife could acquire the knowledge and interact with others belonging to a Depression Support Group via meetings as opposed to on-line.

Ask to meet the man for coffee with your Wife and observe what they talk about and how they interact. Curb any insecurity that causes jealousy and nastiness.

If your Wife and/or this man refuse to meet in your presence for a coffee or meal; tell your wife that it is your marriage or him.

I would start planning and organising some holidays and fun experiences together and as a family, including your daughter who has depression, as a priority.

Bar-bells and Dumb-Bells lift depression along with daily walking, swimming and or jogging would assist your daughter to lift her depressive incidents. Power of positive thinking C.D’s and Music daily have assisted one of my young family relatives over the past year in addition to riskier physical activities undertaken.

Kind wishes to you and all of your family.
 
I have read some of your posts after posting (my apologies) and realise that you have been doing activities together within your marriage (I would love to have a Christian man in my life doing these things with me, particularly quality time spent walking in the mountains) and also read that your Wife is undergoing counselling which is fantastic!

Time will heal and re-build your relationship one step at a time in my opinion!

I would place some of Jesus and Our Lady Mary’s Holy pictures and images around your home for protection, in your vehicles and attend Mass together as a Family, Reconciliation regularly and pray The Holy Rosary regularly together as a Family.

Kind wishes
 
What a weekend. Went on a roadtrip Thursday after work. Just had to get away to clear my head. Spent Thursday night reading and praying about everything. Somebody said in another post to dial it way back. You’re right. Without realizing it, I’m smothering her. I don’t mean to, but its happening. Anyway, now I’ve seen the guy and I’ve seen where he lives, and I realize its not about good lokks or wealth, cuz he doesn’t have either. He’s not attractive, he’s over weight and lives in a dump. It was/is an emotional connection. She has not had any contact for almost a month. I believe that for sure. I got her to answer a lot of questions ovr the weekend, and although some of the answers hurt, I’m resolute in my efforts to get through this. She did admit, however, that if the shoe was on the other foot, I’d be kicked out of the house, and she’s lucky that I am who I am.
 
hurthusband said:
She did admit, however, that if the shoe was on the other foot, I’d be kicked out of the house, and she’s lucky that I am who I am.
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That’s gotta hurt. The double standard here is incredible.

I don’t know if lucky is the right word, but yes, I hope she wises up and sees how devoted you are to her.

So any more talk about going to Retrouvaille? Perhaps if she even just commits to going to the first weekend, she may actually want to go back. Ask her to at least give that much a try.

MayGod bless you hurthusband.
 
Irishmom2 said:
That’s gotta hurt. The double standard here is incredible.

I don’t know if lucky is the right word, but yes, I hope she wises up and sees how devoted you are to her.

So any more talk about going to Retrouvaille? Perhaps if she even just commits to going to the first weekend, she may actually want to go back. Ask her to at least give that much a try.

MayGod bless you hurthusband.
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Yeah, I’m pretty sure that we’re still going. I know she appreciates me. We went to have coffee this morning before leaving to work. Her idea, so I’m hopeful. We went to the movies on Saturday night and saw Silverling’s Playbook. That hit home with both of us. We also went to see Lincoln on Sunday. I’m still going to church with just our daughter, but I’m sharing the message when I come home and how it relates to me, and how I’m teying to change and forgiveness and everything.
 
Thanks for the update! Your situation has been on my mind all weekend.

Such promising news. Opening the lines of sincere communication is such a huge step. She is very lucky to have you.
 
Guineviere said:
Thanks for the update! Your situation has been on my mind all weekend.

Such promising news. Opening the lines of sincere communication is such a huge step. She is very lucky to have you.
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Betwee you and Irishmom I feel like a have a support network. It’s been really really hard. A lot of tears on my part, a lot of keeping a good face and trying to stay positive. I mean, I love my wife so so much it hurts. But I also know that I need to back off at times. This morning she said something about her gaining weight. I told her that I didn’t care, that she looks great to me and in someways better than ever, I really meant that too.
 
hurthusband said:
Betwee you and Irishmom I feel like a have a support network. It’s been really really hard. A lot of tears on my part, a lot of keeping a good face and trying to stay positive. I mean, I love my wife so so much it hurts. But I also know that I need to back off at times. This morning she said something about her gaining weight. I told her that I didn’t care, that she looks great to me and in someways better than ever, I really meant that too.
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I am glad to support you hurthusband! Any time you need a pep talk, come on here or send me a PM. 🙂 I think you are at a good turning point.
 
I am so happy things are looking better. It really sounds like your wife is putting in the effort.
 
hurthusband said:
Yeah, I’m pretty sure that we’re still going. I know she appreciates me. We went to have coffee this morning before leaving to work. Her idea, so I’m hopeful. We went to the movies on Saturday night and saw Silverling’s Playbook. That hit home with both of us. We also went to see Lincoln on Sunday. I’m still going to church with just our daughter, but I’m sharing the message when I come home and how it relates to me, and how I’m teying to change and forgiveness and everything.
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That’s a step in the right direction.

My 22 year old daughter was adamant that my husband and I see that movie, by the way.

It will take time, but it sounds like you two can work things out.
 
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