I need help! Wife issues

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Irishmom2 said:
That is odd. Kind of makes you wonder what was modelled for your wife and her siblings as children. Do you know much about her upbringing? (Bless you for getting her flowers, btw.)
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This has a lot to do with it I’m sure. My wife’s idea of marriage and family was recently shattered after finding out her dad had a son from a previous marriage they knew nothing about and her parents own marriage may not be valid…her mom has never been a supporter of our marriage and became vocal about getting a divorce now that she herself is planning on divorcing my FIL. It’s just one big party.
 
I Whitnessed with a cousin, an uncle, and my sister and thier marriages sadly when thier is a little lieing and deceit that you can find its just the tip of te iceberg.

My wife almost left me when I left our evangelical church for the catholic church three years ago because “I wasn’t saved”. And the only thing that kept me through it was living a holy life and doIng the right thing. I went almost a year with no intimatcy with her so I felt if she left me I could do that for the rest of my life if I had to
 
Samson01 said:
This has a lot to do with it I’m sure. My wife’s idea of marriage and family was recently shattered after finding out her dad had a son from a previous marriage they knew nothing about and her parents own marriage may not be valid…her mom has never been a supporter of our marriage and became vocal about getting a divorce now that she herself is planning on divorcing my FIL. It’s just one big party.
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Well that would certainly explain (though not condone) a lot of your wife’s behavior, wouldn’t it? Sorry to hear that the party just keeps getting more out of control for you Samson.
 
hurthusband said:
My mother in law is not happy that we are getting a divorce. She told me personally that she doesn’t want it to happen. Oddly enough,** my mother in law is also estranged from her children. **They only come around when they need something and rarely include her in much of their plans. For instance, I’m the only one who gets her flowers for Valentine’s Day. Why wouldn’t her kids do something like that?
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I will say I do not like my mother. She brought us up as a critical parent, always finding fault, never looking for good. I feel I married my mother when I got married. ExH was also extremely critical. Both narcissists.

I am kind to my mother, though. I bought a condo down the street from her when my adult kids moved out of the house so I could be available to her. She doesn’t drive anymore, so I take her to Mass, grocery shopping, etc. She’s still the critical parent: I’m too fat, I don’t do enough for her, bla, bla, bla. I always wanted to be a Teresa of the Little Flower, doing God’s will in small ways. Well, God gave me a huge opportunity to practice that! 🙂
 
qui_est_ce said:
Thanks, but it’s God’s grace. 🙂

Luckily I learned a lesson for how to parent my own children: unconditional love and acceptance.
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My mother in law is a very negative person. It stems from her being abandoned by both parents when she was a child and she had to raise her younger siblings. She also had 2 children by 2 different men prior to marrying my father in law. My father in law was a saint who passed away 10 years ago. After he passed away I asked my mother in law to move in with us. That may have been the beginning of the end. My wife is by far her favorite child and eventhough I’m as good a son in law as anyone could ever have, I don’t think she has ever appreciated the fact that I took her in when none of her other children even thought about taking her in. Its a shame, but my wife is going to end up alone just like her mother.
 
hurthusband said:
My mother in law is a very negative person. It stems from her being abandoned by both parents when she was a child and she had to raise her younger siblings. She also had 2 children by 2 different men prior to marrying my father in law. My father-] in law/-] was a saint who passed away -]10/-] 38 years ago. After he passed away I asked my mother in law to move in with us. **That may have been the beginning of the end. My wife is by far her favorite child **and eventhough I’m as good a son in law as anyone could ever have, I don’t think she has ever appreciated the fact that I took her in when none of her other children even thought about taking her in. Its a shame, but my wife is going to end up alone just like her mother.
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You are describing my family to the T!

Your wife being her favorite is very telling. My mom’s favorite is our brother, the oldest and the only boy. He can do no wrong. What my mother will do is play favorites from one sister to the next. This is how she tried to pit us against one another. We used to say, “It’s pick on <> day.” Very sad. We saw through it. My brother saw through it. He never lorded his favorite status over us. She made it clear to use she preferred boys over girls.:o

I’m still sad for her missing out on the joy that comes from loving your family, seeing your kids getting along and being friends.

Why didn’t I marry my father like most normal girls? Because my mother berated him to us behind his back.
 
qui_est_ce said:
Why didn’t I marry my father like most normal girls? Because my mother berated him to us behind his back.
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Wow, that is very insightful. A good lesson for anyone thinking of talking disparagingly about a spouse. Even if it makes you feel better for the moment, it can affect your child.
 
Irishmom2 said:
Wow, that is very insightful. A good lesson for anyone thinking of talking disparagingly about a spouse. Even if it makes you feel better for the moment, it can affect your child.
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Yes, and in addition, it ended up backfiring on her. She has two daughters who are divorced (both my sister and I were married to critical parent narcissists) and really, she is miserable. She doesn’t want to be happy. She likes being miserable in her superiority. She will be 90 this year. You’d think she’d mellow by now, but she has not. I have no respect for her. Sorry, I can’t help it.
 
hurthusband said:
Well it finally happened. She wants a divorce. I’m going to drag it out as long as possible, but be as pleasant as I can so I get what I want if and when it actually happens. I let her do most of the talking. She was obviously in a lot of mental anguish. She admitted that she feels like she has lost her kids. That they’ll never forgive her for breaking up the family. I’m not leaving the house until things are somewhat settled, but I’m not going to make myself available to mow the lawn or take out the trash or any of those kinds of things that get taken for granted. Its time for her to realize what life will be like without me around. I figure if I still make myself available I’ll be a doormat. I’m going to reant a storage unit and start moving my stuff out this weekend a little bit at a time and always do it while she’s at home. The whole thing is just so crazy.
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Try to convince her that even if she is determined to divorce, she ought to be determined to do it the right way. It is to be hoped that your marriage can be saved, but at least try to save yourselves as much future heartache as you can. How? Talk. Listen. Reflect. Learn. Repeat, repeat, repeat. The vast majority of couples need help to do this, but you two will be doing the heavy lifting. It is well worth doing.

I think it is in your best interest to move things out for the time being–you heart is too wounded to be as generous as you would like to be–and it is your right to sever the common conjugal life when you have been the victim of infidelity. Still, it is in the best interest of both of you to at least try to figure out what caused the wheels to come off. Maybe your suspicions are correct, but it is better to know.

I say this because I know too many divorced people who have “I wish I had known then what I know now” stories to tell. WAY too many. Some would still be married, some not, but again and again my divorced friends and relatives report that they would have avoided a lot of mistakes if they had stopped and looked at how their lives had gotten to the point they had before they divorced. They’d have an easier time forgiving their ex, too. More to the point, they would have been less likely to have gotten into a subsequent relationship with all the same fatal flaws as the first one. This work is best done by both spouses together, because you each hold pieces to the other one’s puzzle. So while you may be very wise to consult attorneys and have a legal separation to protect each other’s financial future, you would also be wise not to fail to have some very deep talks with the one person who has more of the answers to the questions that your futures will pose to you than most of us can ever appreciate.

Sometimes, this talking saves a marriage, but even when it does not, it can save a lot of future heartache. I’d present this to yourself and to your wife in those terms. When you are done, you’ll have a very good idea, too, about whether or not you will have a cause to petition for a decree of nullity, if you do go through with a divorce. Who knows? You may even save your marriage. Few people realize how costly a divorce is, how much it takes out of both heart and bank account. Do this work; you owe it to yourselves!
 
EasterJoy said:
Sometimes, this talking saves a marriage, but even when it does not, it can save a lot of future heartache. I’d present this to yourself and to your wife in those terms. When you are done, you’ll have a very good idea, too, about whether or not you will have a cause to petition for a decree of nullity, if you do go through with a divorce. Who knows? You may even save your marriage. F**ew people realize how costly a divorce is, how much it takes out of both heart **and bank account. Do this work; you owe it to yourselves!
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Society has got us brainwashed into thinking divorce is just another lifestyle choice. Society says to ask yourself, “Are you better off with him than without him?” I have heard married people sat that that getting a divorce would have been easier than going through what they did to work at saving their marriage.

I HAVE NEWS FOR YOU, YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT!!! Divorce is an awful and evil thing. It tears families apart. It demeans the value of marriage as a permanent commitment.
 
hurthusband said:
It’s a shame, but my wife is going to end up alone just like her mother.
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You don’t know that. Your wife, if she doesn’t just let the current of her life carry her, might have a very different outcome than her mother had. If she is young enough to have a mother still living, she is certainly young enough to have a total turn-around of life.

It may or may not be too late to save your marriage, but it is certainly far too soon to despair of your wife. We believe in a God who saves, and we believe there is no one so mired in sin that God cannot retrieve them from the evil one and make them into a saint. Your wife has betrayed you, but our Lord has made good use of many who initially betrayed the self that God made them to be. The Litany of the Saints includes a whole array of them! Keep your eye on the ball, here! Our goal on earth is to reach heaven, after all, and to help any other soul we can to do the same.

“My brothers, if anyone among you should stray from the truth and someone bring him back, he should know that whoever brings back a sinner from the error of his way will save his soul from death and will cover a multitude of sins.”** James 5:19-20 ** Making efforts that might realistically turn a sinner from her sin is as sure a ticket to heaven as martyrdom!

As you love her, do what you can to give her every realistic means to avoid her mother’s fate. Get counseling yourself, so you can sort out the difference from true and fruitful sacrifice and that pointless openness to abuse that simply makes you into a near occasion of sin, rather than a signpost out of it. (Just to be blunt, this is another pitch for talking your wife into a look at the deep hurts that put her life on such a dangerously shallow course. Encourage your adult daughters to be willing to speak to her long enough to encourage her in that direction, too.)
 
qui_est_ce said:
Society has got us brainwashed into thinking divorce is just another lifestyle choice. Society says to ask yourself, “Are you better off with him than without him?” I have heard married people sat that that getting a divorce would have been easier than going through what they did to work at saving their marriage.

I HAVE NEWS FOR YOU, YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT!!! Divorce is an awful and evil thing. It tears families apart. It demeans the value of marriage as a permanent commitment.
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We live in times when good Catholics are divorced from their spouses through no fault of their own, and when others are forced to use civil divorce to legally separate possessions and responsibilities in a just manner after an innocent partner is wronged by infidelity or real abuse and elects to sever the common conjugal life (as is their right). We acknowledge that, because many divorced Catholics are wrongly judged for their situation as having gravely sinned, when they are guilty of no sin at all. Many are sinned against in a way that one would not wish on their worst enemy, and suffer greatly through no fault of their own. May God reward the fidelity they show through such great difficulties.

Having said that as a preamble, I could not agree with you more. Divorce is falsely sold as a panacea, but it is indeed an awful and evil thing. Even when it is warranted and not sinful, it is horrible to have to go through it. Even when it is achieved without undue strife, it is very expensive, and at the very least results in the expensive situation where one household is split into two. Divorce is one of the major stressors that predict death and serious illness, and there is a reason for that. It is heart-breaking, it attacks health, it does not bring happiness. It is more like an amputation than a restorative surgery, sad and difficult even when it cannot be avoided, and that cannot be stressed too much, lest someone elect to have one when they didn’t need to.
 
EasterJoy said:
We live in times when good Catholics are divorced from their spouses through no fault of their own, and when others are forced to use civil divorce to legally separate possessions and responsibilities in a just manner after an innocent partner is wronged by infidelity or real abuse and elects to sever the common conjugal life (as is their right). We acknowledge that, because many divorced Catholics are wrongly judged for their situation as having gravely sinned, when they are guilty of no sin at all. Many are sinned against in a way that one would not wish on their worst enemy, and suffer greatly through no fault of their own. May God reward the fidelity they show through such great difficulties.

Having said that as a preamble, I could not agree with you more. Divorce is falsely sold as a panacea, but it is indeed an awful and evil thing. Even when it is warranted and not sinful, it is horrible to have to go through it. Even when it is achieved without undue strife, it is very expensive, and at the very least results in the expensive situation where one household is split into two. Divorce is one of the major stressors that predict death and serious illness, and there is a reason for that. It is heart-breaking, it attacks health, it does not bring happiness. It is more like an amputation than a restorative surgery, sad and difficult even when it cannot be avoided, and that cannot be stressed too much, lest someone elect to have one when they didn’t need to.
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Very well said, especially the bolded. I had never thought of it that way, but it is a spot on analogy.
 
qui_est_ce said:
Very well said, especially the bolded. I had never thought of it that way, but it is a spot on analogy.
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The thing is, guys, I’m a very forgiving person and a hard worker. We could work through this if she would just give it a chance. I have tried to connect with her emotionally, spiritually and physically. She has to Let Go Let God, know what I mean? The evil one has his hands in this.
 
I really feel for you hurt husband. Your situation sounds a lot like my friend’s. His wife is suffering from depression, and one day everything in their marriage is fine. The next day, she tells him that she wants a divorce. It’s hard to witness because it’s like his heart is always on a roller coaster. He doesn’t know what to think. Does she love him or not? He’s starting to feel a little resentful because it seems like when she’s depressed, it seems as if she’s “testing” his devotion and love toward her. He’s willing to do anything…
 
hurthusband said:
The thing is, guys, I’m a very forgiving person and a hard worker. We could work through this if she would just give it a chance. I have tried to connect with her emotionally, spiritually and physically. She has to Let Go Let God, know what I mean? The evil one has his hands in this.
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It’s like God, he wants you freely. He will not force you to follow him. You give it to God, ok?

You are in my prayers. What you are going through is Hell
 
hurthusband said:
The thing is, guys, I’m a very forgiving person and a hard worker. We could work through this if she would just give it a chance. I have tried to connect with her emotionally, spiritually and physically. She has to Let Go Let God, know what I mean? The evil one has his hands in this.
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If you want her to let go and let God, start by letting go yourself where you can. Not turning your back, but staying in there without being controlling. I’m not suggesting that you’re not, but it is always easy when we have a relationship conflict to spend too much time on what the other party ought to be doing.

I think if you suggest counseling as a way of “de-briefing”–that is, so that each of you can talk about what you each felt and thought during your marriage–that even if you divorce you will be in a much better place. So I would suggest that while she might not be open to “working through this” in terms of giving up her idea to divorce, she might easily be open to “working through this” so that each of you can know what the situation was and is and can be in the future, whether together or apart. I think she might be more willing to go for that. Who knows, what started as a “good divorce” might become a reconciled marriage before you are done. If the less-satisfactory goal for counseling is all you can get, take it.
 
EasterJoy said:
If you want her to let go and let God, start by letting go yourself where you can. Not turning your back, but staying in there without being controlling. I’m not suggesting that you’re not, but it is always easy when we have a relationship conflict to spend too much time on what the other party ought to be doing.

I think if you suggest counseling as a way of “de-briefing”–that is, so that each of you can talk about what you each felt and thought during your marriage–that even if you divorce you will be in a much better place. So I would suggest that while she might not be open to “working through this” in terms of giving up her idea to divorce, she might easily be open to “working through this” so that each of you can know what the situation was and is and can be in the future, whether together or apart. I think she might be more willing to go for that. Who knows, what started as a “good divorce” might become a reconciled marriage before you are done. If the less-satisfactory goal for counseling is all you can get, take it.
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We wnet to counseling until she shut it down. We went to Retrouvaille. I can’t force her to do what she doesn’t want to do. I’m hoping that by giving her a whole lot of space she’ll see what it will be like without me around. I’m hoping that the kids and her friends will help her realize that God’s will is not divorce.
 
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