I need help! Wife issues

  • Thread starter Thread starter hurthusband
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
Hello, Hurt Husband, The estimates of what has gone on are pretty much right on target. I just lost my wife of 50 years, and if I could, I’d follow her in a minute.
Her issue was the fact that she was a sex addict. She had been through a rough childhood, and being the last child in the family, and way after the others, she just assumed that she was a change of life baby, and not wanted. This, plus some other issues stunted her self-respect, and she learned very early (6-8 yrs old) when she learned how to “give herself love” Masturbation. That is what I was told. When we started dating, I found out very early that I wasn’t her first, nor her second from what I’ve been able to find out. Now, we’re talking a good Catholic girl here, who goes to a good Catholic school.
When we started dating I started finding out what kind of childhood she had had, and I tried to tell her that I could offer her something different. After three long years of arguing, and, I might add, the issue here was her inability to initiate anything, although she never denied me, she would just not say a thing. I told her that I could have the body, but not the mind. And, that never changed. She masturbated constantly, and I found out many things during those early years. But, the main issue of a sex addict, is that the addiction controls, not the addict. And the addiction’s main job is not to be discovered. So, always the denials, the lies, the crying jags, you name it. Anything to put me on the defensive, and get her off the hook.
She died a month ago at 71 from medical complications from Coumadin Necrosis.
But, the others who have posted on here are correct. Believe nothing unless proven, and then check the proofs as well.
 
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
How is your Wife’s relationship with her parents and siblings HurtHusband? Has she healed from her past with her own family do you know? Why not encourage your wife to visit and/or drive to where your wife spent her childhood or her primary years (the school, the Church, the neighbourhoods) with you by her side and let her open up, talk and discuss her childhood with you during the drives.

There must be some good memories she has of her childhood and at the same time she can heal from any negative ones. How was her relationship with her Father and Mother? Did either of them listen to her, show any affection towards her? Was she molested as a child and never told you? All of these things come out in counselling (and if she was molested as a child, most people are reluctant to tell their Husbands and reluctant to seek counselling while raising or having raising children until there is a major problem that has arisen and they are encouraged and/or pushed to seek the help and continue with the help).

She needs to pray The Holy Rosary x daily, handing over all of her hurt, her insecurities (financial), anger over incidents from her childhood and during the marriage directly to Jesus and Mother Mary. Then your Wife’s tears of release and healing will pour out and she may just give up her job to deal with the healing (it can go on for months and years) as one is coming closer to Jesus and Our Lady Mary. The more your wife prays, the more she will wish to pray and heal.

The grass is not greener on the other side until we have our relationship with Jesus.

If she has not opened up her heart to Jesus now or during her future, ask your wife who will be “there” for her during both of your 50’s, 60’s and 70’s to ensure she receives her daily bread and necessities, love and help when injured or ill, some luxuries: some bloke that gives more of a toss for alcohol, drugs or cigarettes and/or womanising than her husband she has now?
 
HolyRosaryChild said:
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
How is your Wife’s relationship with her parents and siblings HurtHusband? Has she healed from her past with her own family do you know? Why not encourage your wife to visit and/or drive to where your wife spent her childhood or her primary years (the school, the Church, the neighbourhoods) with you by her side and let her open up, talk and discuss her childhood with you during the drives.

There must be some good memories she has of her childhood and at the same time she can heal from any negative ones. How was her relationship with her Father and Mother? Did either of them listen to her, show any affection towards her? Was she molested as a child and never told you? All of these things come out in counselling (and if she was molested as a child, most people are reluctant to tell their Husbands and reluctant to seek counselling while raising or having raising children until there is a major problem that has arisen and they are encouraged and/or pushed to seek the help and continue with the help).

She needs to pray The Holy Rosary x daily, handing over all of her hurt, her insecurities (financial), anger over incidents from her childhood and during the marriage directly to Jesus and Mother Mary. Then your Wife’s tears of release and healing will pour out and she may just give up her job to deal with the healing (it can go on for months and years) as one is coming closer to Jesus and Our Lady Mary. The more your wife prays, the more she will wish to pray and heal.

The grass is not greener on the other side until we have our relationship with Jesus.

If she has not opened up her heart to Jesus now or during her future, ask your wife who will be “there” for her during both of your 50’s, 60’s and 70’s to ensure she receives her daily bread and necessities, love and help when injured or ill, some luxuries: some bloke that gives more of a toss for alcohol, drugs or cigarettes and/or womanising than her husband she has now?
Click to expand...
I hear you. I really do, but my wife does not attend mass anymore. I have tried to get her to go, but she just won’t do it. I have tried and tried and tried. Its in her hands now. I won’t give up until the very end, but there is only so much I can take. Living in limbo is not healthy. I deserve better.
 
It may be worthwhile to entertain the possibility that she’s gonna have to leave and try life without you for awhile. And it may be worthwhile to entertain the possibility that she’ll realize it was a mistake, and that you might forgive her and take her back. Love doesn’t always move in real life like it does in fairy tales and Engaged Encounters; sometimes it’s an insane, twisted, painful, gritty roller coaster ride of destruction and despair. And sometimes it emerges from the twisted metal wreckage in a new form, and sometimes the new form is far better than the old.

Just maybe leave a candle in the window for the possibility of true forgiveness, is what I’m suggesting. It can lead to beautiful things.
 
I have been following this thread for awhile and have some thoughts and ideas you might consider. My hope is that these thoughts are helpful to you in healing your marriage. If they are not helpful, then I hope and pray for the very best for you and your wife. You are doing amazingly well given your circumstances. I admire you for your deep faith in God and hard work at doing everything possible to save your marriage.

With that, here are my thoughts for whatever they are worth…

It seems that whenever you spend a period of time away from her, whether it’s a couple evenings out or a day away from home, your wife attempts to ‘reel you in’ for my lack of a better phrase. And since you love your wife and want to stay with her, it appears that you comply with her wishes and take care of her like you always have.

Might I suggest that, while your intent is noble, perhaps your response to your wife’s advances is counterproductive?

My understanding is that she has made it clear that she wants a divorce. Further, you sense that she does not really want a divorce based on her conflicting emotions.

The best thing for her (and maybe for you) might be that you show her what a divorce from you would really be like. Post-divorce, you would not work with her in the yard, or buy her flowers, or spend the day shopping for antiques, or any number of other things.

By continuing to spend all of this time and energy on her, you don’t give her the chance to see what a divorce would really be like. Another way to put it - she does not experience the consequences of her actions.

My idea for you would be to stop treating her like your wife, and start treating her more like a business partner - and a potentially dangerous one at that. Be cordial and treat her with kindness, but keep the conversation short and formal. Keep your distance and act like a single (but still chaste) man.

If she asks you to spend time with her, tell her ‘no,’ and go about your business.
If she asks you questions about your activities, be cordial but evasive.
If she cries and becomes emotional, be careful. She could be testing or manipulating you. Listen, but do not let yourself get caught in her emotions. And do not respond emotionally.

And no more ‘I love you’s’, or buying her gifts, or thoughtful gestures, or long talks, or any of the like. For all intents and purposes, she is a person with a life completely separate from yours.

She cannot seem to handle a few days of your independence. A stronger emotional separation could show her quite clearly what it would mean to be divorced from you. After she experiences the loneliness that a divorce would create, she may decide that she does not want a divorce after all.

If she ever expresses a desire for reconciliation, be slow to let her back in. Test her for awhile. See if she really wants to reconcile, or if she is manipulating you. You have been wronged, and have every right to be cautious.

And if you do decide to take her back, let her know the ground rules for continuing in marriage, whatever those may be (e.g. no more contact with the other man). Also be clear in articulating the consequences for violating your trust, whatever you decide those are. I think this would show strength and leadership in being the head of the family.

I am so sorry that you are going through all of this. I do not know if anything I said helps. I wish you well in any case.
 
Forkfoot said:
It may be worthwhile to entertain the possibility that she’s gonna have to leave and try life without you for awhile. And it may be worthwhile to entertain the possibility that she’ll realize it was a mistake, and that you might forgive her and take her back. Love doesn’t always move in real life like it does in fairy tales and Engaged Encounters; sometimes it’s an insane, twisted, painful, gritty roller coaster ride of destruction and despair. And sometimes it emerges from the twisted metal wreckage in a new form, and sometimes the new form is far better than the old.

Just maybe leave a candle in the window for the possibility of true forgiveness, is what I’m suggesting. It can lead to beautiful things.
Click to expand...
This is a beautiful and truthful post. I have wanted to say this to you hurthusband, but Forkfoot beat me to it, and much more eloquently than I would have worded it.
 
Groo said:
And since you love your wife and want to stay with her, it appears that you comply with her wishes and take care of her like you always have.

Might I suggest that, while your intent is noble, perhaps your response to your wife’s advances is counterproductive?

After she experiences the loneliness that a divorce would create, she may decide that she does not want a divorce after all.
Click to expand...
I have picked these three comments out as what I most feel is going on here. Hurthusband, please consider this.
 
I must respectfully disagree with this approach.
Although a subservient, or clingy, or coddling, approach is not prudent, I would still hope for the best and assume the best, and base my behavior on hope and trust. If we start closing doors, well, doors will close. Mowing the grass and other common sense responsibilities are not the same thing as having forced romantic interactions and emotions, or even intercourse (which I would definitly not do til some sort of common ground is reestablished).
 
Irishmom2 said:
I have picked these three comments out as what I most feel is going on here. Hurthusband, please consider this.
Click to expand...
I will admit to being torn between the strategies advice to either flood her with husbandly goodness (the ‘Fireproof’ approach) or shut her out, to put it bluntly. Giving the OP the benefit of the doubt as to his lack of culpability in the situation, I suppose I’d lean to the latter option although I am skeptical as to how well it would really work (she’s not going to see the horror that is divorce by him not working in the yard - it’s going to be a hundred times worse eventually than what it would have been had the marriage remained intact).

Any benefit of the ‘shutting out’ presumes a rational, adult person who can properly assess the short and long-term implications of his/her actions. I suspect the OP’s wife does not meet these criteria, as evidenced by her apparent infidelity.

Sorry to be harsh, but the OP is in for some tough times.
 
Looking at his last few updates, his wife’s responses have been pretty good. I suggest that the OP continue with what he’s doing however I would avoid intimacy.
 
qui_est_ce said:
Based on thread like this:

Wife has Given up

I’d say Hurtinghusband is in for a tough time, sorry to say.
Click to expand...
Yes, but that wasn’t written by Hurtinghusband. I’m saying that based on the last few updates Hurtinghusband has given us, his wife has been receptive. I would hate for him to switch tactics and destroy the progress made so far. If she stops being receptive to his kind gestures and pushes him away, then yes I agree that maybe he should back off a bit more. From the sounds of it, it appears that they had a lovely weekend. I pray that it continues to proceed in that direction as his wife is starting to open up to him. I do think that it would be wise to not engage in intimacy until further progress had been made. My marriage was saved by doing what Hurtinghusband is doing, so I pray the same will happen to him. Hope is not lost yet.
 
Evania said:
Yes, but that wasn’t written by Hurtinghusband. I’m saying that based on the last few updates Hurtinghusband has given us, his wife has been receptive. I would hate for him to switch tactics and destroy the progress made so far. If she stops being receptive to his kind gestures and pushes him away, then yes I agree that maybe he should back off a bit more. From the sounds of it, it appears that they had a lovely weekend. I pray that it continues to proceed in that direction as his wife is starting to open up to him. I do think that it would be wise to not engage in intimacy until further progress had been made. My marriage was saved by doing what Hurtinghusband is doing, so I pray the same will happen to him. Hope is not lost yet.
Click to expand...
We did have a lovely weekend, but it’s not enough. I have waited long enough. I am moving out on Friday. I have removed her from my bank accounts. I have told her that the door is still open, cracked open, for the chance to reconcile. I still don’t think she understands how her life is about to change - the financial, family, social, spiritual and professional aspects of her life. She is still wrapped up in a midlife hormonal emotional thyroid bipolar premenopause crisis. I have prayed and prayed about it. I have fasted. I have tried to get her to go to counseling. We went to Retrouvaille. I have talked with a priest. Now I’m seeing a therapist for myself. I have done everything. Now I must take care of myself. Being away will either help or hurt, but I cannot continue to live this way.
 
hurthusband said:
We did have a lovely weekend, but it’s not enough. I have waited long enough. I am moving out on Friday. I have removed her from my bank accounts. I have told her that the door is still open, cracked open, for the chance to reconcile. I still don’t think she understands how her life is about to change - the financial, family, social, spiritual and professional aspects of her life. She is still wrapped up in a midlife hormonal emotional thyroid bipolar premenopause crisis. I have prayed and prayed about it. I have fasted. I have tried to get her to go to counseling. We went to Retrouvaille. I have talked with a priest. Now I’m seeing a therapist for myself. I have done everything. Now I must take care of myself. Being away will either help or hurt, but I cannot continue to live this way.
Click to expand...
I understand. I’m still praying…
 
I to am praying for both of you. J just lost my wife of 50 years to a hospital mistake,and I can’t even grasp the fact that she’s gone. Hopefully, your wife will come to her senses.
 
Hurthusband, I wish I could give you optimism, but I have gone through virtually the same nightmare myself. My wife has had a relationship with a married man, whom she describes as her “best friend” for over a year before I found out. My gut instincts told me after just a few months that something was wrong, but she convinced me that I was too jealous and it was causing harm to our relationship. She denied the contacts, and also listed his phone number in her cell phone under the name of a girlfrield. I too checked phone bills and found thousands of texts (it seems to be an obsession for them both) and photos that were sent back and forth.

My wife gradually distanced herself and began witholding all affection from me. Eventually she moved out of our bed. I discovered that he was picking my wife up on his days off, while I was at work at a rendezvous point, and they spent the day together. I even had to hire a PI to get proof - their relationship is physical as well as emotional. I confronted her and gave her an ultimatum - me or him. She chose her “friendship” and asked several times for a divorce, and I filed on the grounds of adultery. We separated in March and the case is pending. I have also talked to a priest about anullment - not for myself, but because I know she is planning to get one so they can be together after he divorces his wife. I plan to fight it.

I cannot put into words the hurt, disappointment, betrayal, and anger I feel. Therapy helps but the grieving and loss take time to dissipate. As faithful Catholics, none of us can imagine that this could ever happen in our marriages. I want to believe my wife has lost her mind, but I think that is just a coping mechanism for me, because there is no answer that makes sense. The beautiful girl I married would not have been capable of this act.
 
BTW, is your wife taking antidepressants? If you do a websearch you will find that this behavior is not uncommon with people taking antidepressants that may be bipolar or have a family history of bipolar disorder. I shared this with my wife (who took an antidepressant for a few years for migraines) and she was adamant that the problem was me and her unhappiness with our marriage.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top