I need help! Wife issues

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martin 66. I believe we have something in common, only based on different “friendships” My wife of 50 was a sex addict almost all her life. It caused some major friction between us, and I just couldn’t “dump” her on the streets, so I put up with it. Her thing was “self satisfaction”, not if, but according to the councelor, when and where. The “if” part was already infused into her mind by the age of 8. One thing about people like that, they have lied, and decieved for so long, that it’s second nature. And, if you do find out something, they just shrug it off. Or, like my wife used to do what I called the “mirror swap” She would bring up something from our long ago past, and then turn me into being the defensive one. Worked every time. The addiction kept her sexual response almost nil, for fear of being discovered it she let out anything at all.
She just died a month ago, and the grieving is just setting in good. But, the hardest part is that the intimacy that is supposed to cement a marriage never happened, and that was such a waste.
So, like others on here, I’m praying for both of you.
 
Smitty, I will pray for you as well. I’m sorry for your loss. You are a better man than me for hanging in there. I tried for a year, with lots of prayers and petitions, but I could no longer stand the immoral behavior. I felt my kids needed to see me take a stand against it, as my wife was not even attempting to hide her “friendship” anymore. God allows free will, and unfortunately some choose to use it in ways that serve evil.

The role of lying and twisting blame is certainly a common theme in our stories. I have started to question just how honest my wife has ever been with me. Her family has related to me that she has lied and changed reality in her mind since she was little, as a means of escaping the consequences of her behavior or making herself look good. Not just once in a while, but several times. She was so good at it that it took quite a while before any family member caught onto this.
 
Hurthusband, after you move out dont be surprised if she files for divorce immediately, and files for pendete lite support. You will likely have to start paying her support of some amount. If you have taken her name off accounts this will drive her to action. Just sharing some experiences of mine with you, because it hurts to be blindsided.

I mentioned a bit ago that your wife’s behavior is common in people who have used antidpressants. You might want to visit this link(topix.com/forum/drug/effexor/TQ4I2UR28DFD3N759)
to learn more. She needs to get off the meds slowly and eventually her brain chemistry could stabilize. The behavioral swings and the need to separate from you are textbook adverse reactions to these overprescribed drugs. Lots of information to be found on this site…
 
Martin66 said:
Hurthusband, after you move out dont be surprised if she files for divorce immediately, and files for pendete lite support. You will likely have to start paying her support of some amount. If you have taken her name off accounts this will drive her to action. Just sharing some experiences of mine with you, because it hurts to be blindsided.

I mentioned a bit ago that your wife’s behavior is common in people who have used antidpressants. You might want to visit this link(topix.com/forum/drug/effexor/TQ4I2UR28DFD3N759)
to learn more. She needs to get off the meds slowly and eventually her brain chemistry could stabilize. The behavioral swings and the need to separate from you are textbook adverse reactions to these overprescribed drugs. Lots of information to be found on this site…
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Hurthusband,

If you go through with your plan, please steel yourself for a pain that you’ve likely never felt before in your life, at least in the near term. While I pray it will go otherwise for you, this escalation will harden her heart; you will probably hear things come out of her mouth you could scarecely have imagined. If you think it’s been bad up to this point, get ready for an exponential increase.

As an aside, I very much believe there is something to the body chemistry angle in general. It seems to be a common theme that men in our situation (none of ours are identical obviously) find themselves there as their wive approach menopause.
 
hurting said:
Hurthusband,

If you go through with your plan, please steel yourself for a pain that you’ve likely never felt before in your life, at least in the near term. While I pray it will go otherwise for you, this escalation will harden her heart; you will probably hear things come out of her mouth you could scarecely have imagined. If you think it’s been bad up to this point, get ready for an exponential increase.

As an aside, I very much believe there is something to the body chemistry angle in general. It seems to be a common theme that men in our situation (none of ours are identical obviously) find themselves there as their wive approach menopause.
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Well, I won’t be blindsided. I’m going to to blindside her. For some reason she still thinks we are going on a family camping trip later this month. How crazy is that? Is she mentally unstable? Yes. And so is her mother who lives with us. Thank God that my kids didn’t inherit that gene. And I won’t have to hear anything that comes out of her mouth because I won’t be there. I have lived with this craziness for 24 years. It wasn’t this bad the whole time, but her mother’s constant meddling has always been a source of friction. All of her mother’s children are estranged from her other than my wife who is just like her. Now my kids will be estranged from their mother. Its just very sad.
 
hurthusband said:
Well, I won’t be blindsided. I’m going to to blindside her. For some reason she still thinks we are going on a family camping trip later this month. How crazy is that? Is she mentally unstable? Yes. And so is her mother who lives with us. Thank God that my kids didn’t inherit that gene. And I won’t have to hear anything that comes out of her mouth because I won’t be there. I have lived with this craziness for 24 years. It wasn’t this bad the whole time, but her mother’s constant meddling has always been a source of friction. All of her mother’s children are estranged from her other than my wife who is just like her. Now my kids will be estranged from their mother. Its just very sad.
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Praying for you, brother.

Be careful about assuming the estrangement. While it may be true in the case of your in-laws, it may not happen with your kids. Your wife will always be in your life, and the drama may not subside as much as you think - indeed it will certainly escalate in the near term.
 
hurting said:
Praying for you, brother.

Be careful about assuming the estrangement. While it may be true in the case of your in-laws, it may not happen with your kids. Your wife will always be in your life, and the drama may not subside as much as you think - indeed it will certainly escalate in the near term.
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Trust me, she’s repeating her mother’s patterns, and my kids already refuse to contact my wife even though I tell them all the time that they need to have a relationship with their mother. My son is probably never going to trust a woman.
 
Although it’s been difficult for you - which is quite the understatement, I think you should keep holding on. You’ve done all you could - but with His strength you can do more.

I can’t begin to contemplate the severity of the pain and suffering you had to undergo for a tremendous amount of time… yet the very essence of a marriage is the ultimate bond that had formed when you promised God to keep her through the good and the bad. I will never justify her actions - they were completely horrible. However, it is in times when you feel as if the darkness is all around you - God is carrying you up on His shoulders.

I know it’s easier said than done but, I wish that you can keep holding on a bit longer - if God gives you permission to fast for your wife for many days, do so. Pray the Divine Mercy for your wife everyday. Love her even through the madness. Remember that prayer isn’t just a cliché, it’s our communication and trust that God will come through for us.

If the whole world didn’t have problems with suffering and pain - we wouldn’t need the Church. God gave us this Church as a Hospital for us to be healed and provided for. I’ve had many breakthroughs in my life with prayer, fasting, and confession. There is a hope.

Trust in Him
 
I can’t pray her out of this divorce. I can’t fast her out of this divorce. She wants this - not me. Now I have to protect myself. I’ll still pray and fast for the Holy Spirit to come into her heart, but I also have to look at protecting my future - my money, my retirement, my healthcare, etc. When she wants to talk I’ll ask her over to my apartment, so we can speak candidly in private. I’ll make a point to make sure the place is clean, have some candles burning, maybe something cooking, just to let her know that I’m living my life. Now that she knows I’m leaving she’s been calling and texting me all day trying to figure out how to pay the bills, who to call about this and that, the lawns need to be mowed, the pool needs to be cleaned. Reality is setting in.
 
hurthusband said:
I can’t pray her out of this divorce. I can’t fast her out of this divorce. She wants this - not me. Now I have to protect myself. I’ll still pray and fast for the Holy Spirit to come into her heart, but I also have to look at protecting my future - my money, my retirement, my healthcare, etc. When she wants to talk I’ll ask her over to my apartment, so we can speak candidly in private. I’ll make a point to make sure the place is clean, have some candles burning, maybe something cooking, just to let her know that I’m living my life. Now that she knows I’m leaving she’s been calling and texting me all day trying to figure out how to pay the bills, who to call about this and that, the lawns need to be mowed, the pool needs to be cleaned. Reality is setting in.
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You are right about all of it. You are in my prayers.

I’m sure you want her back because of your commitment to each other, and not because she needs someone to mow the lawn or clean the pool.
 
Prayers for you sir and all those enduring heartbreak.
Sounds like you’ve done your very best. Doing the right thing is it’s own reward.
 
hurthusband said:
I can’t pray her out of this divorce. I can’t fast her out of this divorce. She wants this - not me. Now I have to protect myself. I’ll still pray and fast for the Holy Spirit to come into her heart, but I also have to look at protecting my future - my money, my retirement, my healthcare, etc. When she wants to talk I’ll ask her over to my apartment, so we can speak candidly in private. I’ll make a point to make sure the place is clean, have some candles burning, maybe something cooking, just to let her know that I’m living my life. Now that she knows I’m leaving she’s been calling and texting me all day trying to figure out how to pay the bills, who to call about this and that, the lawns need to be mowed, the pool needs to be cleaned. Reality is setting in.
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You have done quite a bit hurthusband - since I do not know your particular circumstances, pray and ask the Lord what to do.

Whatever the case is - don’t make a choice on your own without the guidance of the Holy Spirit.

When I think of the ultimate love - I think of Jesus on the cross. Despite our unfaithfulness and sinful self-destructive lives that freely chose against Him, He still offered Himself as a living sacrifice for His love for all of mankind. His mercy is unfathomable, and always has His hands open to us - even if we chose to walk away. His constant love for me despite what I have done to Him is what brought me back to Him.

This is similar to what’s happening in your life - Suffering, loving, forgiving, and showing mercy to your wife even though she had hurt you and ripped apart your heart. This is love - for love is a sacrifice.

Ultimately the choice is hers, but we don’t really know what’s going on in her mind right now - she’s back and forth. Perhaps the guilt of all of this is causing her to feel inferior or not worthy of your love? She might feel as if you and the children will never forgive her. She is probably thinking that she could never forgive herself - Sort of like how we feel when we feel guilty of sin and doubt whether we are worthy of God’s love or whether he would ever forgive us.

Again - as hard as it is, the choice is yours but ask God to reveal to you what to do.

Praying for the best for you!
 
hurthusband said:
Now that she knows I’m leaving she’s been calling and texting me all day trying to figure out how to pay the bills, who to call about this and that, the lawns need to be mowed, the pool needs to be cleaned. Reality is setting in.
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As it should. Not your job to figure it out for her.
 
hurthusband said:
Trust me, she’s repeating her mother’s patterns, and my kids already refuse to contact my wife even though I tell them all the time that they need to have a relationship with their mother. My son is probably never going to trust a woman.
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I, too, worry about the prospects for my sons.
 
Samson01 said:
Yep, I have three sons and a daughter. I just keep telling them that they don’t have to pick sides… That has helped.
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They’ll figure it out.

My kids used to threaten me that they’d go live with their dad whenever I would discipline them. By the time they became teen-agers, that was my threat to them! 😛 JK 🙂

My son came over unexpectedly last Wednesday and cooked me dinner. Eggplant Parmesan. And clean up afterwards!
 
Well I moved out last Friday. I just couldn’t take it anymore. I’ve done everything I can, but it seems that my wife never stopped having contact with the scumbag. She’s under a spell. This guy has had three wives and he has used all of them for his own personal gain. One he married to get on her healthcare because he needed an operation. Another he married to get a job. My wife is oblivious to what’s going on. Yesterday she met with a lawyer to file for divorce. I meet with a lawyer on Monday to start protecting myself. The kids did not spend mothers day with her or her mom.
 
Dear Hurt Husband,
I have been following your situation via this avenue. I deeply feel for you, and I pray that the Lords will be carried out, regardless of our earthly feelings. If it cannot work, then it just can’t.
I know somewhat what you are going through. For any marriage to end up in divorce is going to be extremely traumatic, no matter who did what, or who didn’t do what.
Personally, I just lost my wife of 50 years all because of a screw up by the hospital. She was in the hospital for one condition, and another developed from a “super bug” she contacted in the hospital. That was what took her life.
We dealt with a situation that she brought into the marriage 50 years ago. That of her being a sex addict. She hid it extremely well, and from what little I did find out, it controlled her very life, completely. It must have been a hell of a life for her, trying to lead two separate lives like she did. One a normal life, married, children, a home. And the other, that of a sex addict that would have gone through a divorce rather than expose the addiction. I didn’t think that was possible, but the more I research, the more I learn just how powerful that kind of addiction can be. It left our marriage without any intimacy, as that would possibly “let out” too much information, and reveal the entire problem.
Although I didn’t have to go through the divorce you are proceeding with, believe me, to lose a wife due to the ineptness of the hospital is devastating.
My prayers go out to you. May you find peace in your Catholic religion. That seems to be the best avenue for me.
 
HH, sorry to hear about this. I would look into suing this man in civil court once your divorce is finalized as he is the main cause of all of this, especially after what you said about him being married before. This guy has to be stopped/pay before he gets somebody hurt or even killed.

I myself would instill the fear of God in him the old fashioned way.

I look at it this way…any woman who could leave the man who took care of her and stood by her side through thick and thin for a bunch of BS is not worth crying over or fussing about any more. Doesn’t matter how long the marriage lasted or how much you loved her…time to start healing and move on with your life.

One more thing, should she ever decide to come back and you accept her back everything will be different…nothing will ever be the same.

Good luck.

God bless and much peace!

Mike
 
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